TOP SECRET NSA Subliminal Posthypnotic Scripts (Exclusive Original Leak from JAR2)

Ted Kaczynski: How the CIA Tortured a Bright Young Man to Create the Unabomber

MKULTRA 149 Subprojects List and Description

Pure Evil: J Exposes Michael Aquino, a Double Agent, a Serial Rapist, a MOSSAD Op in Vermont and the Pedophile Protection Act

MKULTRA Monarch Electronic Surveillance Advanced Weaponry Article Collection Weather Mod HAARP Directed Energy NWO Illuminati Freemasons 117 Documents Collected for You


Cathy O'Brien's Husband Mark Phillips Has Passed Away

  Trance-Formation of America by Mark Phillips

1964–1970s: MK-SEARCH experiments were conducted on “expendables”


MKULTRA Facility in Fresno California (Sunrise House)


FILM25A MKULTRA Monarch/Illuminati Mind Control Victim - Cathy O'Brien 02:36:00

FILM25A MKULTRA Monarch/Illuminati Mind Control Victim - Cathy O'Brien 02:36:00

MKULTRA Monarch/Illuminati Mind Control Victim - Cathy O'Brien 02:36:00

FILM25A Cathy O'Brien Evidentiary Testimony Against the Clinton Crime Family

Download Cathy O'Brien Evidentiary Testimony Against the Clinton Crime Family

FILM25A Extremely Graphic Vaginal Mutilation - Cathy O'Brien Evidence on Aquino

Extremely Graphic Vaginal Mutilation - Cathy O'Brien Evidence

BOOK25A Unshackled, A Survivor's Story Of Mind Control MKULTRA Monarch: Kathleen Sullivan



"Ten years ago we provided support to a woman exiting a ritual abuse-torture (RAT) family and group. At that time the social silence about the reality of RAT was deafening. Kathleen Sullivan is continuing to break this silence by speaking of the atrocities she experienced as an infant, child, youth, and vulnerable adult. Her writings are an important contribution to a civil and human rights movement focused on devel- oping a child friendly world."

— Linda MacDonald RN, BN, MEd &
Jeanne Sarson RN, BScN, MEd


"I met Kathleen Sullivan near the beginning of my healing as a ritual abuse survivor. We connected through PARC-VRAMC. It was early in the survivor movement, but Kathleen was already there reaching out to others and sharing her knowledge of recov- ery issues. I purchased one of her books, Lessons We Have Learned: A Survival Guide, and found it full of valuable information. She told me about her living memorial garden to honor the dead and comfort those who had survived. I was able to see some of the gardens, walkways and monuments in her newsletters and on her website.


"When I considered starting my own non-profit organization, it was Kathleen who pointed me in the right direction and assured me I could succeed. With determination, I found my way through the stacks of government forms. Kathleen has remained a courageous and outspoken advocate to this day. She is an example of strength and fortitude. I wish her much success with her new book. She has earned that success. May her book be a means to educate the public and assist survivors around the world.'

 — Jeanne Adams, founder of Mr. Light & Associates, Inc.


"Kathleen Sullivan makes the critical connection between the communications industry and the mind control projects. Her ability to see through the pain and horror to the truth, the actual reasons behind the systematic abuse of children, is exceptional. I highly recommend this book for those interested not only in what happened, but why."

— Patty Rehn,
US Contact
The Advocacy Committee for
Human Experimentation Survivors (ACHES -MC)


"We all look for the purpose God gave us to be put on this earth. Sometimes we come to find out that purpose. If I have one thing to teach from my experience, it is that we must be knowledgeable so we don't continue to make the same mistakes and allow bad people to take advantage of us and our children. The answer is there. Dig for truth and then share it."

— Jackie McGauley, Advocate,
Affirming Children's Truth (ACT)
TunnelReport @ aol . com


"As a criminal justice trainer and consultant on cult crimes and crimes against children, one of the difficult tasks is coming to terms with the unacceptable evils that are done against little ones. One has a choice: ignore it and pretend it isn't real or face it and do something about it. The second way is more painful and difficult; but to do nothing is to let the evil flourish. Ms. Sullivan's book is a book that demands a response. Read it only if you are prepared to be responsible for the awful truth you will learn, and brave enough not to turn away."

— Dr. Gregory Reid, DD
Occult Research and Crime Consultants

BOOK25A Unshackled A Survivor's Story of Mind Control - By Kathleen Sullivan


A Dandelion Books Publication Tempe, Arizona


In Memorium


Penny Cindy "Momma" Molly Daddy K. J. Hodges David Deborah Peter D. Rose Grandma S. Lola D.  Valerie Wolfe  Lorraine B.


I am grateful for having had the opportunity to spend a bit of time with each of you. I thank you for having shown me — in your unique ways — the better path. I look forward to seeing you again in the next life. Until then, God bless and keep you.


With all my love,




  BOOK25A to go to the section. Click on the little logo to return to this menu




Expose25A  Foreword xvii

Expose25A Author's Introduction xxiii

Government Programming



BOOK25A What Happened? 1

BOOK25A Agencies and Organizations 2

BOOK25A Government Facilities 3

BOOK25A Black Ops 5

BOOK25A Travel to Exotic Places 7

BOOK25A Firelight 9

BOOK25A Validation 12

Early Years

BOOK25A Good Times 15

BOOK25A Infancy 19

BOOK25A Early Childhood 20

BOOK25A Elementary School 21

BOOK25A Middle School 21

BOOK25A Ritual Abuse 22

BOOK25A Dr. Black 24

BOOK25A Undamaged 25

BOOK25A Nazi Meetings 27

BOOK25A Dr. J 27

Sexual Abuse 33

BOOK25A Dissociation 33

BOOK25A Orgies 33

BOOK25A Parental Dissociation 34

BOOK25A Pedophilia 35

BOOK25A Sex Equaled Love 36

BOOK25A Kiddy Porn 37

BOOK25A Comfortably Numb 38

Family Matters 42

BOOK25A Physical Conditioning 42

BOOK25A My Father's Sadism 42

BOOK25A Grandma M's Kindness 47

BOOK25A Grandpa M's Control 49

BOOK25A Racism 49

BOOK25A Interpreter 50

BOOK25A Nazi Recruitment 5 1

BOOK25A Paternal Grandparents 52

Basic Programming 57

BOOK25A Western Electric 57

BOOK25A Experimental Laboratory 58

BOOK25A Chain Programming 59

BOOK25A Wizard of Oz 61

BOOK25A Otherword 63

BOOK25A Greek Alphabet 64

Horrification 72

BOOK25A House of Horrors 72

BOOK25A Arson 73

BOOK25A Nightmares 74

BOOK25A Perpetrator Alter-States 74

Adolescence 77

BOOK25A Junior High 77

BOOK25A Cross-Country 78

BOOK25A High School 78

Georgia Rebellion 8 1

BOOK25A Georgia 8 1

BOOK25A Acting Out 82

BOOK25A Sexuality 83

BOOK25A Pastor Hodges 84

BOOK25A Exercise Regimen 85

BOOK25A Violence 86


BOOK25A Secret Investigation 87

BOOK25A Contents xi

BOOK25A Escalation 88

BOOK25A Running Away 89

BOOK25A Mission Possible 90

BOOK25A School Intervention 90

BOOK25A Busted 91

BOOK25A Turnaround 92

BOOK25A Volunteer Work 92

BOOK25A Divorce 93

Married 96

BOOK25A Albert 96

BOOK25A Albert's Family 97

BOOK25A Pregnant 98

BOOK25A Illinois 99

BOOK25A Married 100

BOOK25A Nursing Home 101

BOOK25A The Sisters 104

BOOK25A Baby Rose 104


BOOK25A Love Lost 106


Brainwashed 114

BOOK25A Immersion 114

Energy Exchange 115

BOOK25A Submission 116

BOOK25A Insanity 118

Memory Manipulation 121

BOOK25A Temp Jobs 121

BOOK25A Op Preparations 122

BOOK25A "Husbands" 124

BOOK25A Blammo 124

BOOK25A Movie Screens 126

BOOK25A Memory Scrambles 129

Enslaved 132

BOOK25A Ecclesia Split 132

BOOK25A Local Church 133

BOOK25A Atlanta 133

BOOK25A Local Airport 133

BOOK25A Aryan Cult Network 134

BOOK25A Child Victims 137

Cover Positions 141

BOOK25A Reinsurance Clerk 141

BOOK25A Maryland Casualty 141

BOOK25A Cotton States 146

BOOK25A Covert Activities 147

Interventions 155

BOOK25A Grandma's Gift 155

BOOK25A Meadowlark 155

BOOK25A The Mansion 157

BOOK25A William 159


BOOK25A Coercion 160

Freedom 164

BOOK25A Baptist Church 164

BOOK25A Albert's Affair 166

BOOK25A Facing the Truth 169

BOOK25A Not Crazy 170

BOOK25A Going It Alone 171

BOOK25A New Ministry 171

BOOK25A Falling Apart 172

New Family 174

BOOK25A Bill 174

BOOK25A Pentecostal Church 174

BOOK25A Religious Control 175

BOOK25A Married 175

BOOK25A Blended Family 177

BOOK25A Learning to Communicate 177

BOOK25A Schism 178

BOOK25A Arrest 178

BOOK25A Crossroads 179

BOOK25A Letting Go 180

Reality Check 183

BOOK25A Codependency 183

BOOK25A Incest 184

BOOK25A Notifying the Authorities 184

BOOK25A Arrest Warrant 185

BOOK25A Intimidation 185

BOOK25A Left-Hand Memories 186

BOOK25A West Paces Ferry Hospital 188

BOOK25A Dr. Adams 189

BOOK25A Suicide Attempt 190

Death 194

BOOK25A Gone 194

BOOK25A Dreaming of Justice 194

BOOK25A Phone Call 195

BOOK25A Final Visit 195

BOOK25A Funeral 196

BOOK25A Disposal 197

BOOK25A Betrayal 198

BOOK25A Epitaph 199

Healing 202

BOOK25A Charter-Peachford 202

BOOK25A Clash with Religion 207

BOOK25A SIA " 209

BOOK25A Therapeutic Fragments 210

Alter-States 226

BOOK25A Back to the One 226

BOOK25A Inner Children 230

BOOK25A New York City Ritual 234
BOOK25A Suicide Programming 235

BOOK25A Bethesda PsychHealth 236

BOOK25A Cindy - Age 5 238

BOOK25A Nikki-Agel3 238

BOOK25A Dolly/Dreia - Age 7 239

BOOK25A Andreia - Teenaged Part 240

BOOK25A Catalina - Teenaged Part 241

BOOK25A Little Kathy - Age 4 241

BOOK25A Renee - Age 8 242

BOOK25A Kate - Adult Part 242

BOOK25A Home Alters 243

BOOK25A Internal Cooperation 256

Traumatic Memories 277

BOOK25A Dr. R 277

BOOK25A Dr. X 277

BOOK25A Charter-Grapevine 279

BOOK25A Witch Hunt 281

BOOK25A Therese 284

BOOK25A Black Op Alter-States 284

BOOK25A Refraining 286

BOOK25A Return to Texas 288

BOOK25A Exploring the Dark Side 289

BOOK25A Verifications 292

BOOK25A Phobias 293

Witness 298

BOOK25A Suicide? 298

BOOK25A Memories of Dad's Murder 300

BOOK25A "You Killed Your Dad" 303

BOOK25A Was He Moved? 303

BOOK25A Multiple Emotions 304

BOOK25A Self-Defense 305

BOOK25A Suicide by Lifestyle 305

Connections 325

BOOK25A Bill's Past 325

BOOK25A More Verifications 327

BOOK25A Reaching Out 335

"Good Guy" Perpetrators 339

BOOK25A The Luciferian 339

BOOK25A Dr. J 343

BOOK25A Unethical Hypnosis 350

BOOK25A Recycled Predators 351

Going Public 357

BOOK25A Talking to a Wall 357

BOOK25A Internet Connections 357

BOOK25A Reaccessed 358

BOOK25A Believe the Children 359

BOOK25A Helen 360

BOOK25A Silenced 361

The Void 369

BOOK25A This is to Mother You 369

BOOK25A On the Wings of an Angel 374

Letting Go of the Guilt 378

BOOK25A Sociopathic Mentality 378

BOOK25A Divided Personality 380

BOOK25A Addiction to Secrecy 382

BOOK25A Defusing the Threat 383

BOOK25A Cult Recruitment 384

BOOK25A Nazi Sadism and Rituals 385

BOOK25A Never Forgotten 387

BOOK25A Understanding My Father 389

BOOK25A Not Guilty 393

Saying Goodbye 402

BOOK25A Goodbye, Fantasy Mom 402

BOOK25A Goodbye, Childhood Family 406

BOOK25A Coming Home 410

New Life 418

BOOK25A Progress 418

BOOK25A Gift to Myself 419

BOOK25A Bibliography 425

BOOK25A Recommended Reading 430

BOOK25A Supportive Organizations for Ritual Abuse and Mind Control Survivors 433

BOOK25A Index 437


It is from numberless diverse acts of courage and belief that human history is shaped. Each time a person stands up for an ideal, or acts to improve the lot of others, or strikes out against injustice, he sends forth a tiny ripple of hope, and crossing each other from a million different centers of energy and daring, those ripples build a current which can sweep down the mightiest walls of oppression and resistance.
— Robert Kennedy


Foreword By H. Michael Sweeney


What is mind control, this curious force that is rarely mentioned in the mass media? Mind control can be traced back to the earliest of ancient history, in the sacrificial rites of the worshipers of Baphomet and other Satanic idols of Biblical times. It is also a tool that has been scientifically developed and cultivated by the CIA and other intelligence organizations; it is ultimately an instrument of political control.

The focused and intentional abuse of a small child can result in forcing the mind to split into multiple personalities, a phenomenon that under normal circumstances has traditionally been thought of as rare. Those who use it as a tool to program people want us to believe that Multiple Personality Disorder, or Dissociative Identity Disorder, as it is now known, does not exist, or that patients who display its symptoms are either prompted to do so by dishonest therapists, or are imitating something they have seen in a book or movie.

In reality, the mind of a normal child readily splits into alter-personalities when repeatedly and inescapably subjected to unspeakable terrors. The split-off alter contains the memories of the terrors behind a veil of amnesia. Though deeply scarred, this terror-ridden fragmentary personality will be suppressed, leaving the primary self relatively free to continue in life without further displaying any symptoms of the suffering the victim has endured. Sadly, this desperate form of self-preservation can be manipulated with evil intention.

In mind-control programming, this effect is achieved time and time again, creating dozens, hundreds, or even, as with Kathleen Sullivan, thousands of fragmented alter personalities. Each tormented alter has a unique identity, life experience, personality, set of moral values, skills and capabilities, fears and weaknesses, and even a unique understanding of reality itself. In fact, some can be so detached from reality that they believe they are objects or animals, not even human at all. These beliefs reflect their programming. How they are actually used is up to their pro-grammers or handlers. Programmed operatives are not fictitious entities invented for theatrical productions. Take The Manchurian Candidate, an action-adventure-spy thriller. It is considered a form of imaginative entertainment; however, the book and film were based on top-secret, classified information involving the intelligence activities of Red China, Korea, and the United States. This knowledge is in the hands of other nations, too, including the "good guys" in England, Canada, and Australia. As early as World War One, countries on both sides relied on early "prototypes" for spy work, ever advancing the technology and learning by its use as they went.

Through methodical manipulations via drugs, hypnosis, torture and training, it is possible to create a Manchurian Candidate; a programma- ble person with absolute obedience. There seems to be no limit to the complexity and ingenuity employed in this process. Handlers pick and choose alters, assign them duties, and give them their own set of memo- ries, instructions, triggers, and fail-safe booby traps, to ensnare anyone attempting psychological reconstruction of the self. Once the ability to fragment has been established, other alters are cultivated to amplify their skills and taught how to best serve their master. Examples of controlled programming can be found among serial killers, mass murderers, and even terrorists whose "inexplicable" crimes explode in living color on our television screens.

As much as I would like to, I cannot discount the vastness of this phenomenon. The sad fact is, the technology is so well-researched, and so easy to employ, it is being used in truly creative ways. I estimate there are now tens of thousands of "sleepers" in place and certainly hundreds of active programmed operatives with experiences comparable to Kathleen Sullivan's. Other experts in the field mention even higher estimates.

Evidence of the perpetration of mind control by agencies of the United States government has found its way into the Congressional Record and proposed state and national legislation. Government documents from MKULTRA and Project Paperclip have been released under the Freedom of Information Act. Patents for devices that allow control of the mind have been filed. Articles in medical journals and scientific papers discuss advancements in the technology. Interviews with medical professionals who are dealing with the aftermath of uncontrolled experimentation and manipulation have been published. Themes involving mind control are found in fiction, music, television and film, and documented in confessions
by perpetrators and victims. Brazen bragging by the likes of Satanist and military psyops expert, Michael Aquino, has placed valuable confirmations on the record.

Those few brave victims of mind control who have come forward, typically report being used as lab rats in bizarre experiments, and in many cases, sent on missions. What makes Kathleen Sullivan's story so remarkable is that she reluctantly admits having been used to kill. In the course of relating how that came about, she reveals unique and invalu- able insights into the infrastructure, the methodologies, and the purpose behind it all.

Our first instinct is to turn away from any ugliness. Although the experiences revealed in Unshackled are painful and often repugnant, we dare not turn away, for this is not only a bold and courageous revelation; it also serves notice that just as we are all victims of these atrocities, so we all have the potential to free ourselves from their insidious influence, to resist and transcend them.

Our whole society is affected by the sanctioned use of our own non-consenting citizens as programmed assassins. Insofar as we are persuaded by propaganda not only to tolerate such a practice, but also to endorse it, we all become enmeshed in the machinery that makes mind control work.

In becoming aware of the baneful influence of propaganda, it is helpful
to bear in mind that our world history is not the random happenstance as presented in what they call the "news." I am skeptical of messages pur- veyed by the mass media because these corporations are largely owned by military contractors and have been compromised by CIA interests ever since Operation Mockingbird; at this point you will find thousands of intelligence operatives in key positions of what you may believe to be our "free press."

Thus, whenever some explosion, assassination or other tragedy seems to "just happen," especially when there are unasked and unanswered questions, there is a very good chance that a programmed operative was involved, either as the doer of the deed, or as a patsy set up to take the blame for it. The questions that should be asked will become readily apparent. To unravel the clues, always start with the question, "Cui bono?" Who benefits, or whose agenda will now be less encumbered? Then ask what social changes are being promoted by opinion-makers, often citing reports of polls. Connect the dots, and a recognizable picture of mind control will emerge.

Most victims of mind control programming are not assassins. Many have been used less dramatically to infiltrate and manipulate the development of corporations, foundations, agencies, and other socially influential infrastructures. Many more seem not to have been used at all; as sleepers, they may simply be awaiting some future event requiring them to be triggered into action.

While historically, the CIA has been the most significant developer of programmed operatives, today it is clear that the same technology has been widely used by other groups, including intelligence agencies of other nations, various mafias and occult groups, select "elite" families, and perhaps most frightening of all, certain churches and fraternal organizations. What makes the latter so frightening is that many of them operate networks of hospitals and clinics that specifically involve themselves in the creation of programmed victims, as well as the recapture and reprogramming of those whose control mechanisms seem to be slipping.

In my first book, The Professional Paranoid, I listed over 400 CIA fronts and CIA-influenced companies and institutions. Fully half of these are involved with mind control. Half of those seem bent on convincing us that mind control does not work, and that complaints of ritual abuse are nothing more than false memories induced by bad therapists. I'd rather that was true. But in point of fact, nearly a third of all my clients turn out to have suffered ritual abuse and/or programming, though when they initially reached out for help, they generally had no concept of what lay behind their problems. Virtually every one of these people has had some exposure to cults, military intelligence or the CIA. None had been to therapists, except those belonging to these groups — their programmers.

Mind control is a covert crime perpetrated by covert means. There are organizations which have been established to rush in and ensure any exposure of the crime is dealt with quickly, and effectively covered up with disinformation. It thus remains the perfect crime, reduced to nothing more than a mysterious bump in the long, dark night of our political and social nightmare.

Victims of mind control often do not realize they are victims. They are even less likely to wake up to their own reality if there are people delib- erately put into their lives to ensure the secrecy-people disguised as friends, relatives, or coworkers-their handlers and programmers. In my book, MC Realities, I offer a long list of symptoms and clues to help identify such unhappy states, as well as advice on how to fight back.

It is not a hopeless journey, but it is a perilous and difficult one. This book is testimony that success can be had.

Unshackled will cause many readers to question whether we are being told the truth about the political and social landscape of our world. If you value the purpose of our laws and our constitutional rights, if you treas- ure free will and the pursuit of happiness, you will realize that these rights are in jeopardy for all of us, when they are denied to anyone.


1. H. Michael Sweeney is the author of the following publications:

• The Professional Paranoid: How to Fight Back When Investigated, Stalked, Harassed, or Targeted by Any Agency, Group, or Individual.

• MC Realities: Understanding, Detecting, and Defeating Mind Control and Electronic Weapons of Political Control Technology.

• The ProParanoid Newsletter.

• The ProParanoid Reference CD-ROM: A collection of materials useful to victims, investigators, and students of the intelligence community, mind control, and political intrigues.

These publications are available from his website, Readers may request a sample newsletter by sending an email to theprogrammedassassin®

  Author's Introduction

By way of introduction, I am above all a dedicated American. A physician might describe me as a "well-nourished Caucasian female of average height and weight," and note that I have naturally brown, short straight hair and gray-blue eyes. I am neither beautiful nor ugly, which means that most people would scarcely notice me in a crowd-an important asset during my covert past.

As far back as I can remember, my IQ has tested toward the high end. I'm grateful for my intelligence because I have been able to use my mind analytically to come to terms with what was done to me.

Because of the traumas I sustained for more than three decades, I spent most of my life severely dissociated. From one day to the next, I didn't know who I was. Although I'm now fairly integrated, I may continue to have occasional flashbacks and may shift more in my moods than those who have never been prone to dissociation.

As of the date of Unshackled 's publication, I continue to study Social Work at a local university, with an additional minor in psychology. Although I straggle with an anxiety disorder (PTSD), I've managed-thus far-to keep a high grade point average.

My initial vocational goal is to become a Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW). I hope to help other trauma survivors find their way to richer and fuller healing, and to teach mental health professionals how to work more effectively with severely dissociated clients.

In part, my healing process has focused on finding positive value in the years of trauma that I endured. If I didn't believe that I could turn evil into good, I would not have fought so hard to survive the pain of my past. 1

Unshackled has not been easy to write, nor will it be pleasant to read. Much of my past was ugly and brutal. Although I have done my best to remove any gory details that do not go to the very essence of my story, some sections will still be difficult to read. If you feel uncomfortable with any information in this book, please feel free to skip that section and go on to the next.

Although the traumas I describe may seem more than any human can endure, I assure you I not only endured them, but am now healing from their long-term effects. I hope that in a way, this book will be a testament to the strength and creativity of every ritual abuse and mind control survivor. We've been through hell and have lived to tell you about it-if you're willing to listen.

Too many TV shows, books, and movies promote the idea that being a professionally trained operative is exciting and adventurous. Nothing could be further from the truth. Assassinations in particular take assailants to a place in their souls where no mentally healthy person would want to go.

One of the reasons I have chosen to tell my story is my anger at the people who broke my mind and conditioned me to become a mentally controlled slave, and at those men and women who used me to harm pre- cious innocents at the risk of my own life. I am angry that I have needed many tens of thousands of insurance benefit dollars to heal. I am angry that I am (as of the date of publication) still legally disabled because of what was done to my mind, body and soul. I am especially angry at detractors, some with "M.D." or "Ph.D." after their names, who publicly label ritual abuse and mind control survivors "fabricators" and "liars"-while hiding the fact that they (the detractors) have ugly covert reasons for attacking us.

I am going public about my past because I have run out of patience with those who perpetuate the following lies:

• Ritual crime does not occur in North America, or

• Ritual abuse in North America is a phenomenon that has suddenly appeared out of thin air;

• Because survivors' stories are bizarre, they cannot possibly have occurred (in other words, bizarre equals impossible);

• Hypnosis cannot be used to influence people to perform acts against their will, or

• Hypnosis doesn't exist;

• Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID), formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD), is fabricated, rare, and/or bizarre;

• Dissociation is caused by demonic possession;

• Pagans and occultists are demonically possessed or spiritually evil;

• People commit evil acts because they are driven by evil spirits;

• Recovered memories of childhood abuse are unreliable, fabricated, or have been implanted by unethical therapists;

• Repressed memory doesn't exist;

• People who remember, in therapy, that they were abused as children, are likely to drag the abusers through the court system and destroy their reputations;

• Child sexual abuse survivors are not responsible for their decisions to remove themselves from unsafe family members, when they remember what those individuals did to them-their therapists are;

• Child sexual abuse survivors are solely responsible (or maybe their therapists are, too) for "destroying" their childhood families if they say what was done to them; and therefore,

• The child molesters and rapists are not responsible for the longterm effects of their crimes within the family and the lives of their victims;

• People who claim to be survivors of child abuse are sick and want to stay in a fake victim role;

• People who claim to have been abused by family members are playing a "blame game" to avoid taking responsibility for their emotional problems;

• If FMSF spokespersons say that alleged child abusers-who have been successfully prosecuted-are not guilty, then they are innocent of all charges;

• Because the victims cannot prove what had been to them, they have fabricated their memories of the abuse;

• Sexual assaults against children are acts of love;

• Children want to be sexually assaulted;

• Children are not harmed by sexual assaults;

• Documented ritual abusers always work solo — they are not usually part of a larger criminal occult group that remains hidden;

• Even though Timothy McVeigh and Eric Rudolph were certainly brainwashed by the leaders of isolationist Aryan cults that encouraged violence, these young men and others like them have not been mentally controlled and manipulated to commit terrorist crimes;

• The CIA's MKULTRA program never included experimentation on, or traumatization of, children;

• The CIA's mind-control programs ceased in the mid 1970s;

• Such experimentation was unsuccessful and didn't go to the next step of creating mentally controlled slaves;

• Only the CIA has used mind control techniques against nonconsenting citizens;

• Those who claim to have recovered memories of having performed crimes in altered states of consciousness are seeking attention or want to be punished for crimes they never committed;

• People who recover memories of having been abducted and harmed by aliens are psychotic or insane;

• The CIA and US presidents never authorized illegal assassinations before 9/11;

• The CIA created assassination techniques and tools but never used them before 9/11;

• The worst of criminals can be identified by odd or deviant behaviors, isolationism, criminal records, a clear disinterest in participating in the local church, mosque or synagogue, making children uncomfortable by their presence, and so on; 2

• The worst of criminals work alone-they can't get along with other criminals and therefore cannot successfully network and do business with other criminals;

• Pedophiles work alone-they don't meet as groups to share deviant materials and to assault children;

• Only males sexually abuse children;

• The worst of criminals don't operate in our neighborhood/town/county/state/country.

Most citizens in North America are still unaware of the existence of a large network of pedophiles and black-marketers who buy, sell, and use child and adult slaves in our continent and beyond. Because many of these slaves' bonds and chains are mental, they are invisible and difficult to prove in a court of law. Regardless, mental slavery is a clear and flagrant violation of our civil rights and should be addressed as such. 3

Although this book includes information about my having been used in controlled alter-states as an assassin, I am not suggesting that all, or even most, mind-control survivors were trained or used to kill. I do not know what percentage of us have. I fervently hope that we are a small minority within the mind-control survivor community; if not, our country
is in serious trouble.

Several people have suggested that I and other mind-control survivors could have used information from fictional movies and television shows to create "false memories." Although a few people may have done this, many mind-control survivors recalled specifics about techniques, agencies, types of programming, and more-years before such material was made available through television shows and movies. Most likely, scriptwriters used our stories that were available to the public in books, magazines, postings and websites to create their quasi-fictional stories.

Although fictional mind-control characters may appear sexually titillating, exciting, and appealing, our real experiences have consistently been demeaning and horrific.

I will share a few of my verifications with you. The remainder will remain in my possession as "life insurance," to ensure the safety of my loved ones and myself.

Until the early 1990s, I didn't know that I had a dissociative disorder and amnesia. My split-off altered states of consciousness (henceforth known as "alter-states" or "parts") had efficiently functioned away from my conscious awareness. Some people call this condition a "split personality," although it would be more accurate to say that my personality was shattered.

Contrary to popular opinion, Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) is not schizophrenia. Schizophrenia is a lifelong, hereditary chemical imbalance in the brain that is often successfully treated with psychotropic medications. Although a genetic component may increase a person's ability to develop DID, it isn't necessarily a lifelong disorder. It can be reversed, given the right kind of therapeutic help and support-in a safe environment.

A common, knee-jerk reaction to hearing the stories of survivors of ritualized abuse and mentally controlled slavery is that-because our stories are bizarre to the extreme-they cannot possibly be true. I've also observed a secondary reaction to our horrific stories: after claiming our stories are fabricated, these people openly deride us. (I find this reaction bizarre. Would they also roll down their windows, then point and laugh at victims of serious car wrecks as they drive by?)

I ask you to please keep in mind that we survivors have been exposed to hardcore criminal minds for whom what is considered bizarre in normal society, is their acceptable norm. Most of these criminals (mostly men) are intelligent sociopaths who have zero conscience and no fear of the law. My primary tormentor, a brilliant and creative man, often said to his criminal associates, "If it works, why not?" In other words, he wasn't mentally and emotionally constrained by written and unwritten social mores and rules. He and his associates had no limitations, other than their humanness, and therefore did anything they chose to reach their goals.

When deciding which life-information to incorporate in Unshackled, my litmus test was that I must be so certain about that information's validity, I would be (and still am) willing to swear to it in a court of law.

I am reasonably certain, and am therefore willing to testify, that the CIA was the agency primarily responsible for my having been experimented on and traumatized in controlled settings as a child, to eventually be used against my conscious will as a covert slave-operative. 4 I do not, however, want the CIA to be scapegoated. Other federal agencies and groups, including criminal occult leaders and Mafia organizations, also use mind control techniques on unwitting victims. I still value most of the services the CIA provides for our country. Those of its many thousands of employees and contractors who genuinely seek to do what is right for our society and the world should not be held accountable for the actions of criminals who secretly operate among them.


As I relate my past interactions with various organizations and groups, I am not suggesting that all of their members or employees would follow the examples of those individuals I was forcibly exposed to. Decent, caring people, as well as people of ill intent, can be found in every social and professional milieu.

Where I mention the False Memory Syndrome Foundation (FMSF), I am not suggesting that all of its members are former CIA MKULTRA perpetrators, child molesters, and/or criminal occultists. Some members may have been falsely accused of crimes against children. Others may be so dissociated that they truly do not remember having hurt innocents. And some of the FMSF's supporters may have accepted the clever lies fed to them by more unsavory members-particularly its founders. 5

Although I do mention mind-control techniques that I've witnessed in several Christian denominations, I am not suggesting that all, or most, of their ministers and pastors choose to use mind-control techniques on their congregations. I sincerely hope that those who do, will remain a small minority.

The opinions that I express in Unshackled are not the opinions of PARC-VRAMC [Positive Activism, Remembrance and Commemoration for Victims of Ritual Abuse and Mind Control], an advocacy organization I founded, nor are they the opinions of the book's publisher or editor. They are mine alone.

I do not want it to be used as a tool to recklessly slander or libel any person. For that reason, regardless of the ways that certain individuals harmed me in the past, I will not name most of them. I am, however, willing to testify in court about them if their identities are made public, and about those perpetrators I do name. Although human nature tends to sanctify the dead, history should not be unnaturally revised or contorted to meet the emotional needs of surviving family members.

Varying perspectives about an event or an individual can be equally valid. I ask that my childhood family respect my right to speak out about memories and recollections that may understandably differ from theirs. I regret any pain I stir up in the minds and hearts of those who know they were also victimized. And yet, I must remind them that I am not responsible for their pain; those who harmed them are. I hope that, if needed, they will seek professional help to cope with their painful pasts.

After learning of this book, other family members who are active perpetrators may try (again) to callously assault my mind and my character in an attempt to silence me and to dissuade other observers in the family from remembering, breaking free, and speaking the truth. To these perpetrators: I have the right to speak out about what was done to me, and by whom. Although I have not named some of you, I reserve the right to do so. If I am challenged in court, I will gladly testify against you. I'm sick unto death of carrying the back-breaking burden of the knowledge of our family's sins against the innocent. I'm laying that burden down and will not pick it up again. If going public means losing any remaining ties to the family, so be it. I'm worth it.

Because I focus attention on the behaviors of certain perpetrators who negatively changed the course of my life, I readily concede that the information I present about them may appear biased. I am not, however, suggesting that this is all they were and did. Some parts of their personalities were not destructive, and they may have even enriched the lives of others. No one is all good or all bad.

To protect the privacy of family members who acknowledge that they, too, were victimized, I will not reveal information from a number of their documents in my possession that directly verify some of my memories. Their stories belong to them.

While I have my stepmother's express permission to name and write about some of my experiences with my father, I have not released the names of my stepmother, mother, ex-husband, maternal grandparents, or surviving daughter. If you happen to know their names or identities, please do not reveal them to others. My goal with this book is not to shame them-even though those who are perpetrators deserve to feel ashamed. I also ask that the privacy of my father's adult children be respected.

To protect the identities of people I prefer not to name, I've given them the following aliases: Dr. J, Dr. T, Dr. X, Albert, Emily, Clyde, Dee, Fritz, Geena, Gerrie, Grandma M., Grandpa M., Grant, Dr. M, Helen, Janie, Jessie, Joan, Lucian, Pam, Pete, Poppa, Rose, and Therese.

To trauma survivors: this is a non-fictional account of my life, no one else's. If you sense that certain sections are similar to your own history, please skip those sections to avoid possible memory contamination.

Information about the criminal network within which that I was forced to co-exist may seem new and strange to some of you. My suggestion is to think of the groups and organizations comprising that network as a hidden co-culture that has operated, largely undetected, in Europe and North America since at least the 1940s. 6

Not unlike the mafias, these organizations have rules and mores that are drastically different from those of "normal" society. And yet, as a full-fledged co-culture, their world has existed in plain sight, totally interconnected with mainstream society, politics, religion, academia, business, banking, entertainment, and more.

Although the leaders of this co-culture do not want the public to know that it exists, I hope Unshackled will help you to recognize some of their ideas and intentions, their activities and their endangered victims.

In my past, I was extensively exposed to individuals and groups who practiced the occult religions of Druidism, Satanism, Paganism, Rosicrucianism, and Luciferianism. Although at times I may appear to be biased against occult practitioners, I beg you to take my expressions in context; it was certain practitioners of these beliefs who hurt me and others.


In a similar way, I ask you to remember that not all Aryans and Neo-Nazis are like those who it is my regrettable duty to describe in this book. And please remember that most Germans are not Nazis.

Although I have written about a series of related crimes that I witnessed in Reading, Pennsylvania and in Cobb County, Georgia, I am not suggesting that local residents supported such activities, nor am I suggesting that local law enforcement personnel helped to conceal such crimes. The criminals were clever and well-financed, and had numerous high-tech resources that would have made detection and prosecution extremely difficult, if not impossible.

Since 1991, I have met other survivors of ritual abuse and mind control who independently verified my memories of experiences that we'd shared. Because they have reason to fear for their lives, I will not reveal their identities.

To protect myself legally and to preserve my life and the lives of my loved ones, I will not provide any identifying details of any crimes that I was forced to perform in the past.

Wherever you see the word "I," please be aware that I may be relating experiences that I'd had no awareness of, before I connected with splitoff parts of my personality and mind.

Because I am only one limited person, and because I value my privacy, I am not willing to provide one-on-one support for those who read this book or learn of my history in other ways. If you need support or information, please feel free to utilize the resources listed at the end of this book.

What I experienced in my past, no other ritual abuse or mind control survivor has experienced in exactly the same way. And yet, much of what I describe in this book has also been experienced in a comparable way by many trauma victims and survivors. I gratefully dedicate this book to them.

Kathleen A. Sullivan
Tennessee, USA
http ://www.kathleen-


1. "... positive reinterpretation of a traumatic event requires the victim to think about whatever positive gains or lessons can be gleaned from the horrific experience, and to focus on them in readjusting to the future . . . such positive reinterpretations are therapeutic, since they allow victims to see meaning in the world and to improve their self image, feeling stronger and more capable of confronting adversity." (Bower and Sivers, pg. 647)

2. If you are a parent or grandparent, daycare operator, school teacher, law enforcement officer, therapist, or minister; if you're none of the above and still want to know more about pedophile mentality; I strongly urge you to purchase Dr. Anna Salter's Predators: Pedophiles, Rapists, and Other Sex Offenders and keep it close at hand. Predators explains pedophile behaviors and mentality in a way I've not found in any other piece of literature. It breaks every entrenched myth about child molesters that can keep us from recognizing one in our midst-one who right now, this minute, may be hurting a child. I believe it should be required reading for anyone who has responsibility for the care of children.

3. Article XIII of the Bill of Rights states: "Neither slavery nor involuntary servitude, except as a punishment for crime whereof the party shall have been duly convicted, shall exist within the United States, or any place subject to their jurisdiction."

4. I am amazed that journalists and reporters still ask CIA spokespersons and Directors, "Did your Agency perform assassinations?" and then report their negative replies as gospel truth. Wouldn't they look ridiculous if they were to interview alleged murderers and then report their claims of innocence as true-simply because they said they were? The same holds true for those who accept-at face value-the CIA's claims that it didn't employ or use certain individuals, because it has "no records" of them.

5. Dr. Colin Ross wrote: "The FMSF is the only organization in the world which has attacked the reality of multiple personality in an organized, systematic fashion." (Bluebird, pg. 115) Why would they do this? I believe some of the doctors who perpetrated crimes as CIA mind-control contractors became afraid when their former victims started to remember. I believe this is why some of these perpetrators formed or joined the FMSF-to use it as a disinformation mechanism to discredit the victims in advance, by convincing the public that recovered memories and MPD/DID are "fabricated" or "implanted." Perhaps they knew that their victims would be less likely to remember the crimes against their humanity if public opinion was turned against them:

It is far harder for memories to be recovered when there is a threat of social retribution or powerful social or political determinants of shame about what is recalled ... a more comfortable survival can come naturally into being when conditions mean that the unspoken is given a social voice. (Woodcock pp. 147, 149)

6. In their leaflet, Seeing Inside the Ritual Abuse-Torture Co-culture, Sarson and MacDonald wrote:

We have named the culture of these destructive families/groups as a co-culture versus a sub-culture because the ritual abuse-torturers exist among us, undifferentiated from the neighbour next door. They draw no attention to themselves by way of unique clothing, body piercing, or hairstyle, or by race, or by living in a commune, or by openly advertising their evil-based beliefs and behaviours, hence the reason we have entitled our book, a work in progress, The Torturers Walk among Us. Perpetrators of RAT [ritual abuse/torture] can be living successful lives, making a living "legally" employed, hold positions of extensive positional power and community status, others have class and wealth, others are "simply common folk." (pg. 1)

Government Programming: What Happened? 

In the summer of 2001, 1 reached a critical crossroads in my life. For the past several years, I'd tried to follow the examples of a large part of the ritual abuse/mind-control survivor population-a community with whom I had the good fortune to connect. Due to their fear of being cruelly ridiculed or harmed again, most of those brave men and women have chosen to quietly get on with their lives, never speaking about their remembered experiences outside of their personal support networks.

I've tried silence too, but it hasn't worked well for me. I felt like a counterfeit when I mimicked others around me, hiding my past while presenting myself as a "new" Kathleen. Because I wasn't being authentic, I was miserable.

When I opened up to one of my professors about my past, she said I ought to write an autobiography. Blushing, I told the professor that a prolific author, Gordon Thomas, had already suggested the same. "Then why are you hesitating?" the professor asked.

Accepting that teacher's challenge, I took a year off from my studies to do what I'd dreaded the most: to review thirteen years worth of handwritten journals that were full of my memories of traumatic events that I'd previously blocked out. I had stored the journals out of sight in my basement in six white plastic file cartons. The task of piecing together my life story from the journals still seemed impossible.

As I slowly worked my way through them, I was troubled by how fragmented my memories still were. Most of those I'd recorded had, in reality, lasted only between ten seconds and a minute or two.


1 Assembling and connecting the memory fragments was like trying to reassemble a ten-thousand-piece jigsaw puzzle.


 Day and night for over a year, as I reviewed the journals, an uncanny urgency drove me to absorb every bit of the memories-only to block them out again when I put the journals down! Determined to remember this time, I read them again and again, typed them onto diskettes, and reviewed them verbally in therapy.


Although those memory reinforcement techniques seemed to help, I was horrified to rediscover some of the deeds I'd committed in the past, under the direct control of professional handlers. How could that have been me: so brutal, so cruel and heartless? How could I have actually wanted to hurt people and make them feel-in their bodies-the pain I had felt in my soul? What had happened to me?


  Agencies and Organizations

Another question plagued me: who and what were the groups and facilities I remembered having been exposed to? Certainly, none of them had been part of my "normal life"!

My journals indicated that I had performed illegal acts for a network of organizations, groups, networks and agencies. My alter-states knew most of them by code names.

Various spook handlers referred to the CIA as the Web, the Agency, the Organization, the Family, and the Company. A former CIA Director, George Bush Sr., was sometimes called the webmeister. Some CIA employees who had also previously been in the OSS referred to themselves as the Old Guard.

Several self-identified NSA employees I met in Atlanta in the late 1980s and early 1990s alternately referred to their agency as the Net and the Dragon.

I was exposed to several Mafia members, beginning when I was a young child. Dad sometimes took me with him as his cover when he met with mobsters who may have been members of the Colombo-Profaci crime family that operated in the Northeast. As a young adult, I met mob members in Chicago. Later, I met members of Trafficante's organization and was taken more than once to a compound in Florida that I knew as Marina Del Largo-not to be confused with Donald Trump's resort, which has a similar name. I also met and interacted with mobsters in Atlanta. (I will not provide any other details about my experiences with any of these groups or individuals.)

I knew NASA by its official name.

I was taken to meetings of groups known as the "Golden Dawn" and the "Illuminati." At those gatherings, I learned that some members of Illuminati were also members of the Golden Dawn. They exposed me to a mish-mash of Luciferian and Pagan beliefs. The members of the international Illuminati organization seemed to be covert "Rosicmcians." The words, "the Illuminati" alternately referred to the group and to its individual members. Although I used to be in awe of the Illuminati, I now consider it to be one of many secretive cartels. 3

I was also exposed to a mob-connected occult network, headquartered in New York City, code-named "Satanic Hierarchy." (Again, I will not provide further details about my interactions with this organization.)

As an adult, I repeatedly encountered members of a large, national Aryan network-The Brotherhood." Another Aryan group, perhaps part of that same network, was called "The Order." Another, Western Mysteries, was especially involved in publishing literature. I met representatives from many smaller Aryan groups over the years-each had a code name that was known only to insiders.

Alleged CIA handlers referred to male Secret Service personnel as bus boys. Self-identified Secret Service agents called one of my highly trained bodyguard alter-states, plain Jane.

I was also forcibly used by members of an international network, code-named the Octopus, that included alleged CIA employees and contractors, members from several Mafia families, and more.


  Government Facilities

I was taken to numerous US military bases and government facilities over a period of more than thirty years. I have since been able to identify several of them, first-hand. 5 These are the names of some that I believe I was taken to for programming and/or training:

Fort Payne, Alabama. After our family moved to Atlanta, Georgia, I was taken to a military base that I was told was Fort Payne. Female teenagers and women were given special training there. I was called a "Golden Girl" and received what was code-named "Black Claw" physical training.

Redstone Arsenal, Alabama. There, I believe I received MKNAOMI biochemical black op conditioning, briefings, and debriefings.

Juvenile Facility in North Carolina. When I was sixteen, I was taken by my parents to a facility near Morganton and Marion, North Carolina. The grounds were enclosed by a high chain-link fence. A separate observation

tower was attached to an above-ground enclosed walkway that led to the main building, where I and other youths received specialized ops training, and where I was also brainwashed about the Aryan, Pagan Golden Dawn belief system. Those who didn't follow orders were brutally punished. I first remembered this facility in the early 1990s when an emerging alter- state drew a crude map of the buildings and grounds. A social worker from North Carolina recognized the drawing, and said that she'd known the facility as the "Western Carolina Adolescent Correctional Center." (I've not yet found a verification of a facility having that name.)

Great Lakes Naval Base near Chicago, Illinois. My first husband, Albert, took me to a large building on the base where I and other adult female "patients" wore hospital gowns and endured extensive mental programming and training in a psych ward setting.

Fort Gillem near Atlanta, Georgia. I was repeatedly driven there by a man who escorted me into a set of underground corridors and rooms where he seemed to be in charge of local spooks. He and other professionals sometimes briefed and debriefed me there.

Fort McPherson near Atlanta, Georgia. After I'd had several vivid memories of that base in the 1990s, my second husband, Bill, drove me there to see if any of the buildings looked familiar. I immediately recognized the large, white Forcecom building where, in a below-ground room, a female programmer had forcibly reconditioned me after a failed op (by threatening to shoot me), so that I would continue to do assassinations. I had also remembered a one-story cafeteria building behind it, where I'd been taken by a male handler who had been hungry. As Bill and I sat in the Forcecom parking lot, we saw several casually dressed individuals leave the smaller flat-roofed building, carrying Styrofoam take-out food containers.

Fort Benning, Georgia. I believe that, as an adult, I received limited training at this Army base. At that time, a male handler told me that I was the only woman receiving it there. I was told that I was given specialized training to familiarize me with how Rangers worked together on ops. (Over the years, I developed tremendous respect and deep appreciation for those men; unlike most spook handlers, they remained gentlemen.) I was also put through brutal mock torture/interrogation sessions to condition several of my alter-states to respond in specific ways if I were ever caught and interrogated while overseas on an op.

Edgewood Arsenal, Maryland. When we lived in Maryland, my father took me to a sprawling government facility code-named "Edge-of-the-Woods." There, I endured the unexpected effects of a hallucinogen and mind- shattering mental programming.

The Farm. When I was a teenager, Dad took me to this spook-run facility to have me trained for black ops. It may have been at the CIA's Camp Peary; it may have been at a CIA/ Aryan-run "counterterrorism" camp in Powder Springs, Georgia; or it may have been at an entirely different location.

Fort Campbell, Kentucky. I reported to this huge Army base several times to be briefed for special ops and to receive limited conditioning and training.

Dobbins Air Force Base, Georgia. When I lived near Atlanta, I was often transported from this base by jet to other locations for covert ops, and then was brought back to the base before being transported home.

Goddard NASA facility near Washington, DC. I believe I was taken there in approximately 1968, to be mentally programmed.

Huntsville NASA facility in Alabama. I believe that mental programming was done to me at that facility after my family moved to Georgia in 1969. During a tour in the mid 1990s, I easily identified several of the buildings.

"Meadowlark" Air Force Base, exact location unknown. I was flown there from Dobbins AFB in 1985, and was interrogated in underground rooms by military intelligence personnel.


  Black Ops

The years of programming and conditioning at these and other government facilities prepared me to become a covert slave-operative. When I fell asleep at home in my adult years, my nighttime alter-states emerged. Because these alter-states were adrenaline junkies, ops were their drug of choice.

Sometimes I was first taken to a local cult meeting. After the horrific ritual, other parts were triggered out to be transported. Most of my op-trained parts were more than willing to go on far-away assignments. It was what they existed for.

These are some of the activities that my covert op programmed alterstates performed while under the control of professional handlers:

• Protection, body-guarding, and escorting

• Assassinations

• Hostage interventions and rescue

• Arms smuggling, including transportation of small rockets

• Bombings and sabotage

• Teaching children how use standard and makeshift weapons
against mock adult attackers

• Kidnapping

• Taking out snipers

• Surveillance

• Torture and interrogation

• Clandestine photography

• Clandestine search of an organization's files

• Killing assassin-programmed individuals who had gone out of control and were an imminent danger to those around them. (Because they were so dissociated they felt no pain when injured, I was trained to kill them in a particularly gruesome way.)

Professional handlers used a succession of my pre-programmed covert op alter-states to successfully perform each operation. Afterwards, I was  transported home with no memory of the event.

My black op (assassin) trained alter-states were even more specialized. Through hundreds of repetitive acts, each was conditioned to kill in at least one of the following ways: zip wire, gun, knife, or chemicals. Other methods were also used on certain ops. The zip wires were sometimes sewn into loosely-basted hems of garments, particularly blouses and jackets, with soft ends to protect my hands from being sliced through.

Each black op alter- state was trained to use at least one type of weapon. Some were also trained to select a certain number of objects or surfaces in any environment to use as makeshift weapons.


In the early 1990s, I was severely re-traumatized as I remembered the crimes that I'd been forced to commit. As I resuscitated the dead parts of my soul, I felt the immense emotions of pain, grief, and horror that I hadn't felt during the actual ops.

  Travel to Exotic Places

To give you an idea of what remembering was like, I'll share from two days of journals that I wrote in January, 1993.

First, I relived a series of emerging traumatic memories in bits and pieces, starting with a childhood memory of my father driving his chisel into my skin to lift my kneecap-just enough to frighten me. Then he used a drill to wound my feet-again, not enough to leave a lasting scar.


As I remembered this, I slipped into the same kind of trance state that I'd gone into as a child, to escape the pain. When I came to, I found that I had written many pages of memories. Several were especially upsetting:


In a teenaged training session, I held a long sharp knife and plunged it deeply into the front of someone's torso. I was being taught that there were two ways I could do it. I could either do the "T," which was to cut from below the belly button up, and then-at an angle — do the upper stomach and heart, or I could do it with one deep, lower slash from one side to the other, through the intestines.


I was taught that either way was extremely effective. The lower slash would leave the person in pain for a while before the actual death, if that was what was intended. To simply kill, the "T" was preferred. Before doing it to live adults, I was made to do it on upright adult cadavers. Each time, I wiped the fatty tissue off my long knife. I was taught that it was important to keep the knife clean; and anyway, I didn't like looking at it.

Then I remembered standing in a room with white walls. I saw an intense, slim woman, average height, with short, dark hair and eyes. Other people stood in the room, too. On a table to my right were objects that could be used to attack and kill.

I had no choice; the woman held a knife and kept reaching out as if to slice at my forearms. When I finally got tired of parrying, jumping back, and moving my arms away from her, I went after her full-force. I grabbed her knife and cut her neck deeply-from one carotid artery, then right through her throat to the other artery.

In the next memory, another adult was fighting me. I grabbed a knife from the table. Unfortunately, because it was dull and serrated, I couldn't use it on the attacker's neck. After I successfully took the attacker down, a slim, friendly, middle-aged man with curly, graying hair took the knife from my hand and pushed it down hard on the victim's fingers-cutting several of them off.

When I came back into consciousness and read these journaled memories, I was devastated. I felt solely responsible, even though the gray-haired man had instructed me. After all, the knives had been in
my hand.

(Nearly every day, similar heart-pumping, gory memories emerged in my dreams and waking hours. They followed me to the store and to the post office, to church and to school. The memories were clearly telling me that I had been trained to kill. Why me? Having no answer, I felt a heavy weight of guilt.)

That afternoon, I decided to shake off the effects of the memories by going to a nearby shopping mall. While investigating a sale at a pharmacy, I found a bin full of bumper- stickers. I bought several: "JOIN THE ARMY! Travel to exotic places . . . meet unusual people . . . and kill them." "I'M A VIRGIN ... but this is a very old bumper- sticker." "TOTO, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore." "I'd kill Flipper for a tuna sandwich." "I'm Glad I'm Not You."

My favorite was, "In spite of the cost of living, it's still popular." Although I was remembering horrible things that I'd done in the past, I was determined to survive.

When I returned home, I tried to get some sleep. Instead, I struggled through one vivid dream after another.

Early the next morning, my husband left for work in his pickup truck. Alone in the house, I placed several pillows between my back and our queen-sized bed's wooden headboard. I grabbed the spiral-bound notepad that I'd placed on my dark brown wooden nightstand, and wrote whatever came to mind. Soon, I felt as if I were falling asleep, although my eyes remained wide open. I didn't understand that I was capable of putting myself into a trance state, thereby allowing split-off alter-states to emerge and write in my notebook.

When I came back into consciousness, I found that I'd written about a covert operation in a foreign country. As usual, this memory had no beginning and no end.

Even if it should someday be proven to me that this particular episode was an implanted screen memory, I still feel grateful that I was able to recall it. After being so emotionally battered by horrifying memories, this recollection restored my sense of inherent goodness.



I have no idea how I arrived there, who took me, or how I got back home, nor do I know the year the event unfolded. I suspect that it occurred between 1982 and 1987.

Based on the architecture and the vehicles, the angle of the sun and speech patterns of the natives, I can venture a guess that we were in a South or Central American nation.

It was daytime, warm outside. I was inside a battered, old, two-story clapboard residential retirement home not far from a downtown area. It had lots of bedrooms occupied by a number of elderly Caucasians. The kitchen was on the first floor in the right rear, the living room in front. A porch, bordered by a wooden railing, was in front of it. The residence wasn't fancy, but it was livable and clean. The residents were taken care of by a small team of professionals, including nurses.

Several of the bedrooms were downstairs in back. Some of the residents had to sleep in them because they couldn't walk up the stairs. One, an older man, was very slim with thinning brown hair on top of his head. He seemed quite ill. I helped put him on his back in the smallest bedroom. We covered him with a colorful, handmade, pastel pink, block-style quilt. He was in a lot of pain-I think it was his heart.

Some kind of political action was taking place in the vicinity. I was at the residential home with a makeshift team of CIA agents, mercenaries, and others-anyone in the area who was available had been called in to help. The elderly folks were in danger, and our assignment was to protect them.

Had we not been in imminent danger, the professional handler who had brought me there would probably have taken greater care to ensure that I did only what he gave me orders to do, nothing more. This time, however, I was free to follow my own instincts, because he was too busy doing other things.

During the late afternoon, we received a directive from a young, slim, fiery man with thick, curly, dark-brown hair. We were told that he'd commandeered the downtown area, and wanted to use this house as his base of operations against soon-to-arrive military forces who we prayed would kick his ass. Unfortunately, the elderly residents couldn't be transported away in time.

Some of the aged males had served in previous wars. They knew how to fight, but most of them could no longer shoot straight, due to shaking

hands or poor eyesight. Others were quite senile, and there was no safe place to take them.

As more residents returned to the house, we gathered them in the center of the house, with groups upstairs and downstairs.

Two elderly gentlemen who still had good eyesight were asked to carefully hide by the windows and alert us if they saw any movement coming up the dirt streets.

We knew that the action would be coming from the downtown area. The military leader had already ordered filled burlap bags to be stacked in piles across the dusty street from the front of the house, his men guarding them. An "SOS" had gone out for more of our folks to find their way to the house to help us defend the elderly residents.

We were told to hold our fire, due to insufficient weapons and ammunition.

My dark-haired, short handler handed me a shotgun and ordered me to use it. I explained to him that I didn't know how. 9 Several rifles and pistols were quickly taken up by the others. They had a sweet automatic machine gun-a newer model. Big and black, it used brass projectiles. All I had to do was aim and pull the trigger-it would do the rest. After I tested it, I didn't want to use anything else, and they didn't take it away.

The real trouble didn't start until dusk. We turned off all the lights in the house, so nobody could see where we were when we fired. Some men started approaching the house by pushing what looked like rectangular plywood dollies on wheels, stacked with filled burlap bags. They seemed to be using them as moving shields. Our lookouts warned that it was time to start firing.

The enemy had a lot more ammo than we did. We only shot when we had a good chance of hitting one of them.

We couldn't afford for even one of those men to get into the house. Too many people could get killed too fast. If we could just keep them at bay! More men came in droves through nearby buildings, settling down behind the stacks of bags. Typically, they had flat, dark-skinned faces and wavy dark hair.

Although they had automatic weapons, they must have been drugged or drunk or both, because they couldn't shoot straight. It took a while for us to realize this. I was genuinely frightened, and didn't expect to live through the night. I tried my best to shoot the crowns of any heads that rose an inch or two above the tops of the bags, but they were too small a target and I didn't want to waste my ammo.

Several male spooks and meres hid behind furniture that we had stacked behind the wooden rails on the porch. One man and his partner, both American businessmen, had come by earlier in the day to volunteer their services.

I went from window to window in the house when the lookouts told us they saw movement outside. We were quite nervous, because there were several roads-it was hard to see everything going on.

Unfortunately, we weren't paying attention when the sick elderly man, clad in a light-colored terrycloth robe, unexpectedly walked out onto the porch. Several of the men tried to grab his robe to stop him. I went berserk and ran out onto the porch. A middle-aged, brown-haired man helped me force him down onto the wooden surface, while the others remained hidden behind the furniture. Unfortunately, we three were now in plain view of the enemy.

I knew the color of the robe made the man an easy target. I saw several men behind the bags rise up, as if to get a better shot at him.

Without thinking, I stood up with my black machine gun and started firing at their heads. There was some light on their side of the street, perhaps from the moon, and I could see a black substance fly through the air from two of the men who had crouched side -by-side. They deserved it for shooting at that innocent, senile man!

After that, we were more aggressive and held them off through the night. I don't remember how long I kept firing. When I went into the house to get more ammo, it suddenly hit me: I had stood out there on the porch in full view of those men across the street as I had fired at them, making myself a very easy target! I shouted to the others, "Did you see what just happened! I was standing right there, and they were shooting at me, and none of the bullets hit me!" My preoccupied handler agreed it was a miracle.

One man seemed to be in his sixties. In the kitchen, he offered me some of his cartridges. He had several different shapes and sizes in a clear plastic box. I didn't even know which kind to use. When I grabbed a bunch, he stopped me and showed me how to select the right ones. I put the others back and thanked him. A black, long "drawer" pulled out from the lower side of my machine gun. He showed me how to insert the projectiles. He said all I had to do was point and shoot.

Time lapse. I woke up in the early morning, startled, wondering why everything was so silent. It was dark in the house and nearly everyone was sound asleep in chairs, sofas, and on the floor. Only one other person seemed to be awake-one of the old vets who had posted lookout the night before.

He whittled a piece of wood as he sat at the old cloth-covered kitchen table. I was beginning to feel the emotional impact of what had happened. I asked, "Are they gone?" He nodded, then told me about the elderly robed man, who had been shot in the leg. We talked quietly for a while, so as not to wake the others. I felt very comfortable with him. He was a man of few words. I thought of him as the kind of person I hoped to someday become.

Later that morning, the others started to wake up. While they chose food from the refrigerator, I opted for a peanut butter sandwich. I was deeply touched when the old gentleman quietly gave me one of the bullets that he said I'd shot the previous evening. It was rather flattened and a little bent. It meant more to me than any medal that may have been given to me. I sensed it was a symbol of his personal respect and his way of honoring my help. I put it in my right jeans pocket, vowing never to lose it.

As always, my handlers did a full-body search before they transported me home. Although they took away the memento, they couldn't completely erase the memory of another mission accomplished-this one, with satisfaction.




After I read this journaled memory, I told my husband, Bill, what I’d remembered about the ammunition that I had used. As I spoke, his face registered shock. A retired Army NCO, he explained that the elongated brass bullets were called 7.62 gauge, 30-caliber universal projectiles because they could be used in a number of different weapons. From his extensive experience with ordnance, he told me that yes, the gun I used was a machine gun, and yes, those projectiles would have been used in such a gun, and yes, the way I described loading it really is the way it would have been done.


After that, he shook his head and chuckled about what he called the Shootout at the OK Hilton. He said, “What kind of woman am I married to?” Calling me his “Pistol-Packing Mama” he declared, “You were a hero!”


When he called me a hero, my face crumpled and I started to cry. “Yeah, I was a hero, all right . . . but I was also the worst monster there could be.” I wished so bad that the way I had behaved on that particular op had been the way I’d behaved on every op. Soon, more emerging memories reminded me that this simply wasn’t true.




1. “Fragmented encoding of a traumatic event makes voluntary retrieval and reconstruc- tion of a trauma in explicit memory difficult, if not impossible.” (Spinhoven et al., pg. 263)


2. “More compelling and less consciously available dimensions of denial are when memories of gross violations are so threatening to the psychological and physical integrity of the survivor that recollections are literally split off from con- sciousness . . . the shattering manner in which torture and atrocity violate the phys- ical and psychological boundaries of survivors frequently causes their recall of events to emerge in ways that may be fragmentary, disconnected and bizarre.” (Woodcock, pg. 144)


3. I am not opposed to participation in secret, invitation-only organizations. I am, however, concerned when such groups use tax revenue to create governmental poli- cies, agreed on at those meetings, that are diametrically opposed to the will of most taxpayers and voters.


4. I think one reason I was also chosen and trained to perform protection services for targeted individuals was that I’d done a number of very successful hits and snuffs, and therefore had a better feel and sense of how a person might go about killing the client. I was acutely alert to the body language, eye expressions, hand movements, and vocal inflections of potential assassins.


5. I’ve not yet tried to validate the memories of other bases and facilities, because if I go to any of them, I risk being re-accessed. I’d rather be without some validations than be hurt again.


6. I repeatedly remembered that the boys and girls who were trained to become Aryan super-warriors were called “Golden.” After these memories emerged, my step- mother gave me copies of letters that Dad had sent to her while attending Purdue University in Indiana. I was astonished that, in a letter dated 6/25/79, he’d written: “I went to see Golden Girl Friday night – about a big blond test-tube baby raised by
2 scientists from Hitler Germany who was trying to prove his theories about the superiority of white, blond, Republicans. He kept sprinkling super vitamins and growth hormones on her grits, then convinced a group of rotten capitalists with mustaches to finance an Olympic training facility for her. If she wins three golds in Moscow, they have her name for their living bras, cereals and panty hose, and the professor gets to prove that blonds can do anything better.”


7. Camp Peary, A.K.A. The Farm, is a CIA Directorate of Operations “spy school” near Williamsburg, VA. Another facility code-named The Farm was a 60-acre estate in Powder Springs, south Cobb County, in Georgia. It was owned and run by a spook named Mitchell “Mitch” WerBell III. This counter-terrorist training camp, COBRAY-SIONICS Training Center, contained a “clandestine factory developed to perfect the tools and techniques of sniping, counterinsurgency, and the coup d’etat. (New York Review, pg. 2) WerBell III was a highly respected “OSS Captain, guerilla fighter, military advisor, soldier of fortune, paramilitary expert, silencer designer and weapons wizard.” (American Ballistics, pg. 1)

8. Some of my black op trainers called the resulting gash a “smile.”


9. Because my trainers didn’t want me to use my weapons training on my own volition, I was only allowed to touch a gun when it was given to me with specific instructions about what to do with it. Each time, it was already loaded.

  Early Years - Good Times


Although I endured many traumas that I mercifully blocked out over a period of more than thirty years, I also lived a reasonably “normal” life that I was comfortably able to remember. These are my favorite child- hood memories from that part of my life.


Almost every year, our family–consisting of Mom, Dad, two younger brothers and I, went to the annual Shriner circus that was held in a large building in downtown Reading, Pennsylvania. We were each allowed to buy one souvenir. My favorite was a brown, furry, toy monkey on elas- tic strings.


Once in a while, Dad took us to the “band shell” in the city. The concrete structure, shaped like a giant opened clam shell, sheltered orchestras and bands that played free concerts. I especially enjoyed watching big gold- fish as they swam in a murky pond in front of the stage.


After we moved to the nearby suburb of Reiffton, my brothers and I discovered how to climb a huge pine tree in our back yard. When Mom removed the lower branches, we nailed boards to the trunk and scam- pered up again. Climbing to the top, I could see forever!


On warmer days, we met with neighborhood boys at a creek below a huge, grassy hill near Exeter Township Junior High School. We spent many lazy summer days catching crayfish, chewing on watercress, wad- ing barefoot on big slippery rocks in the cold water, and occasionally falling in while the others laughed.


In the winter, the big hill above the creek was our favorite sledding spot. Adventurous souls used wooden sleds or round, metal saucers with handles to hurtle down the packed white snow to the edge of the creek.


We dubbed our favorite neighborhood play area, the “rock pile.” It was really a large cluster of boulders. I played Jane when the boys took turns playing Tarzan. When they were knights storming our rock castle’s turret, I was the damsel in distress.


In the winter, we built snow forts to hide behind during snowball fights. Our snowmen had carrots and raisins for their noses, eyes, and mouths, and sticks for arms. Sometimes we lay on our backs and moved our arms and legs to make “angels” in the snow. Tired and cold, we went inside and placed our wet snowsuits, scarves and gloves on radiators until they were toasty dry.


We regularly attended a Lutheran church several blocks from our home. It was just down the road from the elementary school that my brothers and I attended. Although Dad and several other church members ritually abused me in the church buildings, especially at night and on traditional Christian holidays (Dad had keys to all the buildings), I enjoyed attending Sunday School classes and participating in the children’s choir. We proudly sang, “Praise Him, praise Him, all ye little children . . . God is love . . . God is love,” Beautiful Savior, Onward Christian Soldiers, and other music that made God and the church seem non-threatening and beautiful.


On warm summer days, we walked to a nearby A&W drive-in restaurant. I loved the frosty, ice-cold glass mugs that the root beer was served in.


When we visited Mom’s parents in the nearby town of Laureldale, we sometimes went to a large carnival at the Reading Fairgrounds several blocks down the road. I usually ate a red candied apple or pink cotton candy as I went on slower rides, or stood and watched my brothers ride faster, higher ones.


At night in the hot summer, my maternal grandparents’ windows stayed open. I often stood next to their living room window that faced the direc- tion of the fairgrounds. Feeling the cool breeze on my face, I enjoyed listening to the screams of race cars and excited crowds.


When Dad drove us on Sunday afternoons into the countryside, I looked for brilliantly colored hex signs painted on barns. Most were based on superstition; locals believed they brought good fortune or pro- vided protection from witches and demons.


Once in a while, we went to Crystal Cave in Kutztown. I was awed by its gorgeous, natural quartz formations.


Dad stored rock specimens in several cardboard boxes in a closet in our basement. Sometimes he encouraged me to handle them. My favorites were embedded with rough gemstones and chunks of iron pyrite, also known as fool’s gold.


Dad occasionally drove us to Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania and nearby Zelienople to visit Mom’s extended family. A great-aunt and her husband lived in a small brick house. Behind their back yard was a single-wide, white trailer. One day, my great-aunt walked me to the trailer to introduce me to a big, black-haired woman who lived there alone. My great-aunt explained that Nellie had been a nurse, and was paralyzed from the waist down from a car accident.

Fascinated, I watched as Nellie swung her legs in either direction through the long trailer, balancing herself on wooden rails affixed to its walls. She showed me woven potholders and other items she’d hand- crafted, as well as her collection of postcards that friends sent her from their travels all over the world.


When I expressed an interest in the postcards, she offered to give them all to me. I was stunned by her kindness, more so when she offered to be my pen-pal. After that, I wrote back and forth with her on a regular basis. Every time we visited my great-aunt, I immediately went to Nellie’s trailer to spend more time with her.


Sometimes, when we visited my mother’s parents in Laureldale, we walked at night to a nearby miniature golf establishment. I looked forward to buying a cone of swirled, soft-serve ice cream from a nearby food stand.


One summer in Reiffton, my oldest brother’s best friend gave us a large roll of red tickets for a carnival in a nearby wooded area. We sneaked to the carnival one night, fascinated by the dancing women, small gambling trailers, and other attractions that were clearly meant for grownups. The people there were nice to us. When Dad found out, how- ever, he forbade us to go again. He said it was run by “filthy gypsies.” Still, I was glad we’d gone–it was an adventure!


Because my oldest brother’s large bedroom was in the attic, we often played up there for hours at a time, when we couldn’t go outside. One Christmas, our parents gave him a hobby kit that included a miniature oven, metal molds, and tubes of Plastigoop. We spent countless hours making colorful rubbery bugs, miniature snakes, and other Creepy Crawlers.


One August, I was with Mom at her parents’ house. My birthday was in a couple of days. She said that my present was on the back porch. When I opened the storm door and looked out, I saw a white cardboard box. I cried as I heard mewing and saw a tiny paw poke through a hole. I named my black and white kitten “Snoopy,” because he investigated every piece of furniture in our living room. I dearly loved him.


One of my favorite school field trips was to the chocolate factory in Hershey, Pennsylvania. I was fascinated at how the little Hershey Kisses were manufactured by big machines, then wrapped in silver foil. At the end of the tour, each visitor received a big chocolate bar. Afterwards, we went to the amusement park. Even the street lights looked like giant Hershey Kisses!

When Dad drove us home from Laureldale to Reiffton, we often stopped at the Pagoda, a seven-story building atop Mount Penn. We climbed several sets of stairs to look at the city of Reading far below. If we were below the mountain at night, we could look up and see the Pagoda’s multiple roofs outlined by bright red-orange horizontal lights. On some of my worst nights, its consistent presence was soothing.

On warm summer days, I always looked in our yards for four-leafed clovers. I shared them with my brothers so they would have good luck, too. I also liked to observe and play with bugs. I especially looked for praying mantises, because they were supposed to bring good luck.

Every spring, tent caterpillars invaded the stunted crabapple trees at a nearby high school. I kept the squiggly creatures in a big glass jar in my bedroom until I gagged from the inevitable stench.

I often caught fireflies in the small yard behind our paternal grand- parents’ house in the upper end of Laureldale. Grandma gave us glass jars to keep the bugs in. I marveled at how they blinked in the dark. Sometimes my brothers, younger cousins and I played kick the can and freeze tag in the yard.

In the daytime, we stood behind the house and waved to the men who stood in the engines and cabooses of passing trains on a railroad track beyond the back yard. We jumped and shouted happily whenever they waved back.

Buttercups grew wild in the grass near our house in Reiffton. I rubbed the small yellow blossoms’ pollen on my nose and upper lip, fascinated by the petals’ shininess. Our next-door neighbors’ cherry trees were full of lovely pink blossoms in the spring. Sometimes, when they gave me permission to break off a small branch, I took the cloud of blossoms to my favorite school teacher.

Large maple trees flanked both sides of our street. My brothers and I called the seed pods “helicopters” because they rotated in circles as they floated to the ground. We opened the sticky pods and placed them on our noses, pretending to be rhinoceroses as we playfully charged at each other.

Sometimes in the summer, locusts flew up into the tall trees to attach themselves to the bark and shed their shells. The night was often filled with Early Years 19 their rhythmic buzzing. We would sell their empty shells to neighbors for five cents apiece.


Mom’s mother grew roses and other lovely flowers in her yard. Each summer, we plucked colorful snapdragon blossoms and pinched them between our fingers to make their “mouths” talk.


My favorite flowers, Queen Anne’s Lace and chicory, grew wild along roads and highways. The blue chicory flowers nicely contrasted against the tall green grass. Each white Queen Anne’s Lace blossom was really a large cluster of hundreds of tiny, individual flowers. The blossoms reminded me of snowflakes–so delicate and intricate!


This is how I preferred to know my life. Although I thought this was the whole story, I lived another life that I was unaware of.


  Early Years - Infancy

My birth certificate states that I was born in the Reading Hospital in August of 1955. I was first child in my generation of our extended fam- ily. My first home was a second-floor apartment in downtown Reading.


Although some authorities on memory claim that people cannot retrieve memories of infantile experiences, I believe they are in error.1

I’ve had many flashbacks of lying on my back in a wooden crib in a room. When I turned my head to one side, I saw a dark brown door frame surrounded by a light colored wall. I explored with my eyes and mind. Although I couldn’t talk, I could observe and anticipate. Sometimes my mother entered the room and walked towards my crib, avoiding my eyes as she silently changed my diaper.

When the shadows grew longer, my gut spasmed as I recognized the tall outline of my father in the doorway. His eyes were cold and gray; his hair short, straight and dark blond. His posture was erect, his figure lean. He changed my diaper and more. I looked into his eyes as he gently caressed my tiny genitals with his fingertips. I enjoyed the pleasurable sensations.

Sometimes his eyes were expressionless as he looked into mine, while pushing a diaper pin into my tender flesh. I quickly learned that crying was useless, and endured the torture in silence.

Although my mother breast-fed me at the beginning, one day, Dad introduced the head of his penis after I’d suckled at her breast. Because I was a sucking machine, I did to the head of his penis as I had to Mom’s nipples. Because Dad put sweet liquids on his penis at first, I enjoyed the sugary taste and soon adapted to the secondary taste of a clear, slightly sticky liquid. I acclimated to that taste before I could crawl.2

When I look at early pictures of myself, I do not see a child who was apathetic. For the first couple of years, especially when away from home, I still smiled and was curious about my environment. I don’t think I would have done as well if Dad hadn’t made regular, direct eye contact with me as he sexually stimulated me.

Dad sometimes volunteered to change my diaper, pretending to be a helpful father. As time went on, he pushed soft items into my tiny vagina, including dark red, canned Vienna sausages, then his pinkie finger, then his larger fingers–while using other fingers to manipulate my clitoris. That created waves of vaginal contractions that were so powerful, they hurt. As my vagina stretched, Dad gradually inserted grapes, hot dogs, bananas, and eventually his large, long penis.

By the age of four, I sometimes jumped up and straddled one of his legs. If we were in the presence of other adults, Dad pushed me away and said quietly: “Not now, not now.” Later, if he had time, he took me to a private room and pleasured me. By then, I was totally addicted to his scent and touch, and to the orgasms.

As I grew older, one of the results of the ongoing sexual abuse was incontinence. Sometimes, when I played outside with my brothers, I wet my pants. They made fun of me as I ran home and hid my clothes in the washing machine.

Although I enjoyed vaginal orgasms, Dad also inserted his penis into my rectum. He used Vaseline and later, KY Jelly, as lubricants. Still, I felt immense pain and was often constipated.


  Early Years - Early Childhood


In 1957, after my first brother was born, we moved to a rental home on Bellevue Avenue in Laureldale, several blocks up the street from my maternal grandparents’ home. Because my parents didn’t own a car at that time, Grandpa M. took Dad and me at night to meet with small groups of men in their homes. Grandpa M. seemed to know them well.


Some of the men digitally penetrated me as the others watched with lust or amusement on their faces. Because Dad didn’t smoke or drink liquor, I was repulsed by their odors. When I wasn’t being molested, I quietly watched and listened as they talked and joked. I noticed that Dad’s laughter was different–the noise came out of his mouth in bursts that ended abruptly.

I also noticed that he seemed agitated when he didn’t know what to say, or how to say it. Although he did whatever Grandpa M. ordered, Dad’s body was extra stiff in the presence of those men.

  Early Years - Elementary School


After my second brother was born in 1961, we moved across town to a two-story, red brick home on East 36th Street in Reiffton, a sedate community. Already a tomboy, I found lots of places outside to play and hide.

I was painfully shy when I attended Reiffton Elementary School, a red brick building several blocks from home. Although I made good grades, I was frustrated when teachers wrote on the backs of my report cards that I was shy. I couldn’t help it!

My inability to socialize created other problems. I was usually the last child chosen to be on a dodge ball team during recess. I tried not to cry when the leaders of the two teams argued about who would have to take me.

Still, school was important to me. It was my safe place. I do not yet have any memories of having been abused by any of my elementary teachers. They were my lifeline to sanity and morality.

Because I received positive attention from the teachers, I worked hard to please them. They treated me as a good girl, worthy of attention and praise.


 From them, I learned to treat others fairly and to obey rules. They proved to me that some adults were fair and honest. I’m grateful that they cared about me, because they laid the essential foundation for my sense of morality and social responsibility.


  Early Years - Middle School


I transferred to a distant middle school for fifth and sixth grade, after being tested and placed third highest in its top, accelerated class. For the first time, I rode a bus to school. Although I was proud of my good grades, I now became the daily target of a snobbish clique of girls. For two years, whenever they harassed and belittled me in front of the other students, I didn’t know how to respond assertively. I did try to become friends with the blond leader, but when she just laughed at me, I wished the floor would swallow me up.

One afternoon at home, I sobbed to Mom that I couldn’t take their torment anymore. Instead of comforting me, she said I should do as she had in school: “Laugh with them; then they won’t know they’re getting to you.” The next day, the clique made fun of me for laughing at myself when they did. Every day after that, I cried and stayed as far away from my classmates as I could.


Although we were told to eat lunch together at the same table in the cafeteria, no one in my class would allow me to sit with them. I made books my new friends, because they didn’t hurt me or make fun of me. I went to the school library and checked out every book I could, regardless of its content. I read each one from cover to cover. I read every encyclopedia and book in our home, including Mom’s adult Reader’s Digest Condensed Books. I read cereal boxes at the breakfast table. I read books during lunch in the school cafeteria, pretending that I preferred being alone.


Even when I went to Girl Scout meetings and troop campouts, I still had difficulty socializing. I continued to read books at every opportunity. They were my escape when reality was too painful to endure.

  Early Years - Ritual Abuse

Although I was almost always in emotional pain and had difficulty connecting to others, I successfully blocked out all memory of why I was that way. I still believed I led a normal life.


Although I had only one close friend, I did have my extended family. Whenever he could, Dad drove us to Laureldale on Sundays after church to visit with my mother’s parents in the afternoon and with my father’s parents at night.


On most weekdays (except for the summer), I went to school, then came home to feed and pet my cat, do my homework, perform chores for Mom, and then play outside with my brothers and the neighborhood boys–if they’d let me.

I didn’t know that I had amnesia about psychopathic Friday night rituals that Dad officiated.5 In most of those rituals, cats or dogs or humans were tortured and sometimes killed; adults raped me and other children and even animals with abandon; blood was smeared and drunk after it was mixed with opium and red wine; and knives and stabbings were an integral part of the group structure.


When I was only four years old, Dad started making me kill babies, his hands forcing mine. Each time he made me kill a precious baby (really, he killed it), he said that either I would do exactly as he said, or he would kill the baby himself, after giving it additional pain. Dad never made an idle threat. When I resisted, he immediately tortured the infant and laughed, forcing me to watch.


Although the guilt of killing the babies was unbearable, I knew they were better off with my killing them as quickly and painlessly as possi- ble, than if my father tortured them first.


I couldn’t possibly live in both my home and ritual worlds with a sin- gle mind and consciousness. I’m certain I would have either gone insane or died from the cumulative emotional shock and physical pain.

Since he kept me up late during those rituals–going to bed around 3:00 AM was the norm–I was often sleep-deprived the next day. Exhausted, I sometimes accidentally slipped into a trance state. When I did, I had flashbacks of the rituals. The strange words spoken at them poured out of my mouth. To a psychiatrist unfamiliar with ritual chants, my words might have sounded like “word salad,” a kind of gobbledygook spoken by some people who suffer from schizophrenia.

Each time I did this, either Grandpa M. or another relative drove me in his car–usually a station wagon–to a flat-roofed, one-story facility some distance from the city. Mom usually sat in the front, passenger seat while I lay down on the back seat to keep from throwing up from motion sickness.

The driver usually parked just beyond a dull-colored, plain metal door on the right side of the building, near the back. Each time, I was whisked through that side entrance, then a short distance down the narrow corridor into the first empty room on the right.

Each time, I was made to lie on my back in that private room on a single-sized hospital bed, with my wrists and ankles in leather restraints. Up to my left, in a cement wall, was a white-covered window. The door to the corridor was across the room. It was also made of dull-colored metal with a small, criss-crossed, wire-reinforced window that a tall, putty faced, brown-haired man in a white medical coat occasionally peered through.

Whenever Grandpa M. brought me there, he talked to me alone in the room, reminding me that I had to stay there until I stopped “talking.” After he was gone, the room became my safe place. Alone and undis- turbed, I was able to remember what I unconsciously repressed at home.

In that private room at the facility, I fully remembered the secretive, occult rituals. I remembered that Dad took me to several different buildings in the Reading area. I remembered a large, encircled hexagram on the floor of each ritual room–white if the floor was painted black, and black if the floor was light colored. I saw the flickering white candles that were placed carefully on each point of the star, where it touched the circle. I heard the otherworldly chants of my relatives and other adults who walked around the circle, clad in long black robes with pointed hoods.

I recalled ritualistic activities that my father and other adult cult members performed in those buildings. Their “sacrifice” might be a child to be raped, an animal to be killed, or–on special days–a (pure) infant or a child to be slaughtered. Afterwards, during the inevitable anticlimatic orgy, I was ordered to sexually service the adults.

I remembered another night when Dad took me into a large wooded park near our neighborhood. There, he bound me, naked and inverted, by my wrists and ankles to a big wooden cross that he’d laid on the ground. After he restrained me, he inserted a cattle prod into my stretched vagina and electrically tortured me in a way that quickly broke my mind, creating an alter-state that compartmentalized a deep and powerful rage.

During some of the indoor rituals, Dad told me that child sacrifice was sanctioned by God, because He had commanded Abraham to sacrifice his son. He also said that unholy communion–cannibalism and drinking victims’ blood–was sanctioned because, after all, Christians professed to drink Jesus Christ’s blood and eat His flesh during communion.


  Early Years - Dr. Black

Alone in the private room, I remembered more: Dad and Grandpa M. transported me to private meetings comprised of men who spoke fluent German. All of them boasted about being a Nazi, and bragged about their special heritage. One Nazi was neatly groomed with an erect posture. I knew him alternately as Dr. Schwartz, Dr. Black, Joseph, and Yusef, depending on which adult was talking to him.

The doctor (whom I’ll call Dr. Black) was slim with short, slightly wavy, shiny black hair and dark, glinting eyes. He was intelligent and seemed to have a scientific mind. I once saw a narrow, gray metal slat (a brace?) beside his inside, right ankle. His shoes were shiny and black, and he usually wore a plain, neatly pressed black business suit.

These Nazis provided Dad much-needed respect and acceptance. He seemed unusually happy and relaxed in their presence, whereas most other groups of men made him stiffen.

In English, Dr. Black emphasized the importance of my learning their traditions and beliefs. He said that I and other children were bred to carry on their traditions, and to fight for their cause. He and an older man with straight, gray-blond hair recited phrases in German that I was instructed to repeat, verbatim.

Because I felt stressed from being with those men while also being conditioned at school to be pro-American, my mind developed two sep- arate entities–a brown-haired American girl who only spoke English, and a blond-haired Nazi boy who spoke only German. I didn’t have enough emotional strength to consciously be both at the same time.


  Early Years - Undamaged

Still lying on the bed at the facility, restrained and unable to move, I also remembered that Dad forced me to participate in child pornography. When I was two years old, he had driven me to a town not far from Reading. As usual, he didn’t explain where he was taking me. The sun shone brightly outside. We entered a building that had a large room with a high, white ceiling. In it was a large, white, possibly circular stage. Beside the stage stood a short man with wavy brown hair. He held a megaphone and called out instructions.


Across the hall from that big room, two beautiful, long-haired women dressed me in a sheer blue robe with a matching sequined border, and applied makeup to my face. As I walked onto the stage, I saw Daddy stand- ing behind the middle-aged director, watching me silently. As ordered, I lay down on my back. One of the pretty women rubbed herself atop me as if she were masturbating. Then a slim, blond man in a skin-tight, leopard-print suit did the same.


After that, one of the women led me into an unlit hallway and left me standing there. Alone for a minute, I tried to kill myself by beating my head against the hard, ceramic tiled wall. When that didn’t work, I remembered how my favorite cartoon character, Casper the Friendly Ghost, made himself invisible and flew away without anyone seeing him. I instinctively developed a male child Casper alter-state that felt disap- pointed when the woman took him back to the dressing room. People weren’t supposed to be able to see him! My Casper alter-state went under, and I came back into consciousness.


Again, the two women dressed me–this time in a sheer purple gown with a thin, purple-feathered border. I was again told to lie on the white stage, this time with my face to the floor and my stomach propped up on a pillow. The blond man from the first scene walked towards me with a small, black Scottish terrier. He flicked the tip of a black whip to either side of my face whenever I tried to move away, as the dog penetrated me from behind.


I felt great pain and tried to make my heart stop so the dog would be removed. I may have fainted, because when I awoke, a man wearing a white lab jacket held the round, cold metal end of a stethoscope against my little chest.


After that, I was dressed in one more robe–orange with a matching sequined border. While on the stage, I was told to walk towards a huge, muscular, brown-haired man with a handlebar moustache. He held a metal bar way above his head; old-fashioned barbells hung from either side. His engorged penis poked through a hole in his strongman circus costume.


When the director told me to hold the penis with my hands and suck it, I was confused. I was accustomed to doing that to Daddy in private! Ashamed, I obeyed. One brown-haired, clean-cut man standing beyond the stage was visibly upset. His facial expression helped me to know that what was being done to me was wrong. Because of that, I kept my sense of inherent goodness–in spite of my shame.


Afterwards, Dad drove me to a veterinarian’s office, where I was examined and pronounced “undamaged.” Wordlessly, he drove me home, never mentioning what had just been done to me.


  Early Years - Nazi Meetings


In the psychiatric facility, remembering and reliving the clashing memories of rituals, porn shoots, and secret Nazi meetings was too much for my young mind. Between school and church and these secretive events, I was being exposed to too many groups with opposing belief systems. Exhausted and lonely, I believed there was no one I could safely confide in. (Dad and Grandpa M. had repeatedly threatened that if I told a teacher about what they were doing, they’d kill him or her. This was another reason why I seemed shy at school.)


I felt despair as I reviewed what Grandpa always told me before he left me alone in this room: no one would believe me if I did talk, because the attending doctor (male, Caucasian, middle aged, short, balding with brown, straight hair) had written in my chart that I was schizophrenic. Grandpa repeatedly reminded me that “nobody believes schizophrenics–everybody knows they’re crazy.”


As I lay on the hospital bed, unable to move, I felt trapped. I had no escape and no chance of being rescued from the rituals and bestiality and the Nazi men. A major part of my core personality went down into my subconscious and didn’t emerge again until the late 1990s.


In the interim, I allowed my father and other perpetrators to chip tiny pieces off the thick, concrete shell I built around that part of my original core self. They could have the outside, peripheral parts of me, but I would never again allow them to touch that part of me. I instinctively knew if they ever reached and broke my core self, I would die.


  Early Years - Dr. J

When I was about four or five, Grandpa M. and Dad took me to meet with another man. Unlike most of the CIA MKULTRA-contracted psychiatrists I was subsequently exposed to, Dr. J didn't use an alias. 9

Dr. J was probably the most proficient practitioner of mind-control I ever met. He was nearly emotionless when he conditioned me. Over the years, he told me that he wasn't defeated by mental defenses, because he used them to advance his own purposes. He either agreed with me or he totally ignored my resistance. He knew what my worst traumas

were, and he also knew which spoken words would trigger my memories of them. 10

He seemed to quickly pick up on and use people's psychological vulnerabilities against them. He noticed that I had the need of a father's love, since the only "love" I got from Dad was in the form of pain, terror and sex.

Dr. J took over where Dr. Black left off, as a "fatherly" doctor-figure in my life. Dr. J would pat my head and say, "Good little girl." Dad had never said those words to me. And so, despite all that Dr. J did to me, I looked forward to seeing him again.

Before I entered kindergarten, Dr. Black had tried to use the tactic of becoming my "loving father" substitute, but he wasn't successful because he was always emotionally cold-a true Nazi. And he enjoyed raping me, which made him too much like my real dad.

In my earliest recovered childhood memory of being with Dr. J, I sat alone and naked in a fetal position in the middle of a whitish linoleum floor in a fairly large, white-walled laboratory room, alternately screaming and crying, snot and tears flowing unchecked. I didn't understand that I just had been dosed with a hallucinogen. Nobody came to comfort me. It was such a horrible feeling, knowing that something terrible had happened in my mind and in the room, while fearing that it would come again soon.

Dr. J sometimes wore strange costumes. He even dressed in drag (women's clothes and makeup)-something I saw no other MKULTRA psychiatrist do. This time, he entered the lab wearing an adult-sized cat costume with no face mask. As he approached me in that costume, I hallucinated again. His face changed and I felt that I was going insane.

As the "cat," Dr. J said English words to me in nonsensical patterns, as if creating his own language that he expected me to remember. I can't remember the words now, but they sounded as if he had adapted them from Lewis Carroll's children's classic, Through the Looking Glass. 11

After Dr. J left the room and I was alone again, I saw things that one would only see in nightmares, never in daytime reality. I knew that what I saw was not possible, yet I saw it clearly.

Then suddenly he was back. He'd changed costumes-this time he was a big white rabbit with long, white and pink ears. He talked about following the white rabbit and going down into the rabbit hole.

Then he picked up a real, dead, full-grown white rabbit by its ears from a silver metal table and swung it, slamming it again and again against the shiny white ceramic tiled wall until it was smeared with the rabbit's blood. I trembled violently as I wondered, would he do the same to me?

Then he walked towards me and stood in front of me. As I stared at the blood on the tiles and at him in the absurd white rabbit costume, he said, "There is no white rabbit." ... as if to say, what I had seen did not exist, so there was no point in telling anyone, because only I saw it and therefore for everyone else, it simply did not exist.

I knew that Dr. J was the crazy one, not me, because of what he did to the rabbit, and because he wore those costumes and acted especially crazy when he wore them. The man had no more shame or embarrassment about his bizarre behavior than the Mad Hatter.

At home after that, I sometimes had hallucinatory flashbacks. When things "changed," taking on a form I could see but no one else could, Grandpa M. again smirked and ordered one of several relatives to take me to the side entrance of the facility to be restrained.

Even at that age, I knew I was not crazy. I decided that I must be having "daymares." But because they weren't nightmares, / had no way to stop them. When I had nightmares, sometimes I could tell myself in the middle of one, "This is a nightmare; I need to wake up now." But when I was drugged and hallucinating, or having hallucinatory flashbacks, I couldn't stop it until it wore off. Sometimes I was assaulted for hours by the worst visions and experiences possible. No escape, no way out. And because I was regularly taken to rituals where I saw killings and dismemberments, my small mind had a lot of horrific material to process during those bad trips.


1. In Memory and Abuse: Remembering And Healing The Effects Of Trauma, Dr. Charles Whitfield explained the ongoing debate over recovered infantile memories:

A common tactic of FMS advocates is to attack the credibility of survivors who remember having been abused before age three or four-whether or not they have always remembered it. They use the "infantile amnesia" variation of the "false memory" defense. But many people can and do remember traces, fragments or even the majority of traumatic experiences from this early age. (pg. 25)

2. When I remembered this event, I wondered if I'd unconsciously fabricated it. Several years later, I read Trance Formation of America and discovered that Cathy O'Brien, one of its authors, had remembered that her father had done the exact same thing to her as a baby. (pg. 81) Why did our fathers do this? Was it strictly for their own pleasure? Were they hoping we would bond with them instead of our mothers? An even more horrifying thought flitted through my mind: was this an early phase of our sexual programming?

3. One of the ways the FMSF and other detractors have tried to discredit survivors of childhood abuse, is by claiming they have no medical records to prove their stories. I have remembered, as have many other mind control survivors, that our parents took us to doctors who, for whatever reasons, helped to cover-up for them during our medical examinations.

4. Bobbie Rosencrans, MSW explained why school became my safe haven: "Although some were initially wary of school, some daughters found they loved the safety, structure and basic fairness of most elementary school classrooms. School may have been their retreat from painful family life." (pg. 180)

5. "More compelling and less consciously available dimensions of denial are when memories of gross violations are so threatening to the psychological and physical integrity of the survivor that recollections are literally split off from consciousness." (Woodcock, pg. 44)

6. Carla Emery explains this form of memory recall:

Revivification is not based on current memories, recollections, or reconstructions. The present itself and all subsequent life and experience are blotted out during this type of hypnotic event. The memory tape plays. The subject relives the experience. Revivification is very different in subjective experience, and objective significance, from reenactment. The reliving of revivification is compelling, vivid, and experienced as "now." (pg. 234)

For more information about memory recovery and hypnotic programming, see Emery's website at

7. In Bluebird: Deliberate Creation Of Multiple Personality By Psychiatrists, Dr. Colin Ross presented information about the CIA's and US Army's joint project PAPERCLIP and two other related projects, NATIONAL INTEREST and PROJECT 63: "Through these programs, over 1000 German scientists and their families were secretly brought into the United States without State Department scrutiny or approval. Recruitment of German scientists through PAPERCLIP and related projects continued into the 1980s." (pg. 3)

When I remembered the secretive meetings in the 1990s, I was willing to accept that Nazi war criminals had been brought into the US by our government. However, I didn't want to believe that some of them could have been the men I'd met at those meetings. I mentioned my concern to a journalist who tracked Nazi activities in America. In February, 2002 he told me about an article he'd found on the Internet, "New Jersey and the Nazis." Its author, Hans Wolff wrote:

... an important segment of the New Jersey Germans were pro-Nazi before the war and also gave safe haven to Nazis after the war. As we will see, these Nazis also included many Eastern Europeans and Russians, including the elite and largely White Russian SS VorKommando Moskau, which organized the killings of Jews and Slavs in Nazi occupied Eastern Europe and Russia, (pp. 1-2)

This article helped me to understand that even if the Nazis I met didn't actually live in Reading, Grandpa M. and Dad could have easily driven to nearby New Jersey to meet with them there. It also explained several other odd memories I'd recalled, in which Grandpa M. had taught me about White Russians, their political importance, and their plans to regain control of Mother Russia.

8. "The dimension of life-threat may be primary for symptoms of fear, anxiety, hyperarousal, and intrusive memories. The dimension of social-betrayal may be primary for symptoms of dissociation, amnesia, numbness, and constricted or abusive relationships. High levels of both life-threat and social-betrayal characterize many of the most severe traumas." (Freyd and DePrince, pg. 142)

9. Because this book doesn't have enough pages to hold all of my memories of childhood programming sessions, I will mainly focus on four programmers: Grandpa M., Dad, Dr. Black/Schwarz, and Dr. J.

10. Laura S. Brown explained verbal triggers when she wrote that "memory is considered to be state-dependent, and recall is frequently contingent on the re-creation of certain internal or external cues associated with the original event or experience." (International Handbook, pg. 200) In Memory and Abuse, Dr. Charles Whitfield also explained state-dependent memory:

We tend to remember better when we are in the same inner or experiential state that we were in when we first experienced or learned something ... If our internal state is different in the present from what it was during the original experience, then we may have difficulty remembering the experience or event . . . memories acquired in one neuro-psycho-physiological state are accessible mainly in that state, but they are dissociated and less available for recall in an alternate state, (pp. 44-45)

11. Given how crazy-making Lewis Carroll's book can make readers feel, it's no wonder it was used extensively in mind-control programming. If, when reading the following excerpt, you temporarily feel your mind short-circuit (even if only for a split-second), that is when you are most vulnerable to hypnotic suggestion:

"But I don't want to go among mad people," Alice remarked. "Oh, you can't help that," said the Cat. "We're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad." "How do you know I'm mad?" said Alice. "You must be," said the Cat, "or you wouldn't have come here." Alice didn't think that proved it at all; however she went on, "And how do you know that you're mad?" "To begin with," said the Cat, "a dog's not mad. You grant that?" "I suppose so," said Alice.

"Well, then," the Cat went on, "you see, a dog growls when it's angry, and wags its tail when it's pleased. Now I growl when I'm pleased, and wag my tail when I'm angry. Therefore I'm mad."

  Sexual Abuse - Dissociation

Because I endured many different kinds of trauma that were perpetrated by many different people over a period of more than thirty years, I also developed many different kinds of alter-states and personality fragments. Some were instinctively modeled after the perceived personalities and belief systems of the adults who hurt and betrayed me. For instance, I created a Dr. J part, numerous Dad parts (each one visualized as having dark blond hair and cold gray eyes), a Grandpa M. part, several Mom parts, a Dr. Black part, and more.

I also developed animal alter-states that were patterned after real animals' personalities. This was, in part, because Dad and other adults repeatedly put me in cages with the animals, instructing me to observe and become like them. By trancing and focusing on the animals' personalities, I was able to block out my fear of them until I was safely out of the cages. 1

I also created alter-states that specifically compartmentalized the occult teachings from rituals. I believe that what I was forced to endure in those mind- shattering rituals was deliberate and pre-planned. Dad even assigned different names to the alter-states that he created during them. 2


  Sexual Abuse - Orgies


At many of the rituals, especially those held on Friday nights, I observed the adult members as they seemed to use orgies to release their tension after the gory ritual sacrifices. I figured that they must fear Dad as much as I did; after all, what guaranteed that he wouldn't become angry at them and use them as the next sacrifice? I knew this was possible, because we'd watched him murder several adult members, always using the excuse that because they'd betrayed him, he killed them to "teach" the rest of us not to talk to outsiders about what we witnessed in the rituals.

During the orgies, I created alter-states that blocked out unpleasant scents, sounds and memories by focusing both on my sexual pleasure, and on successfully pleasuring the adults-male and female. What they did to me sexually was wrong, but because two of the men showed me small kindnesses, I emotionally bonded with them.


  Sexual Abuse - Parental Dissociation


Although I may have been genetically predisposed to dissociate during times of great stress, switching into separate alter-states was also modeled to me by both of my parents. 3

When we lived in Laureldale, I stayed at home with Mom while Dad went to work at a factory. On at least two occasions, Mom took me up a flight of stairs into what was probably the attic of our rental house.

Each time, she used a twisted, white bed sheet to hang me by my neck from an exposed wooden rafter. 4 When she did this, her voice became a little girl's. She seemed to verbally reenact what someone had done to her when she was a child. Then her voice became a strange, older adult's and she said ugly things to me. Each time I started to pass out, her voice changed back to normal and she asked me what I was doing up there.

She also repeatedly put me inside a wooden peach crate in what may have been our basement. Sometimes I stayed in it for hours, cramped and in pain. When she came downstairs to look for me, she "rescued" me from the crate, asking how I got in there. Because she didn't seem to remember, I saw no reason to tell her that she was responsible.

Because Dad was an electrical, chemical and mechanical engineer, he was familiar with electricity and its many types of conductors. After we moved to Reiffton, he used some of his tools and live electrical wires in the basement to torture me. At those times, his voice and facial expressions changed. He grinned oddly and his voice went up about half an octave. He often sing-songed as he tortured me. Even though he hurt me badly, I felt protective towards him. Because he was not an adult at the time, I mentally took his place, convinced that someone had to fill that role! (This was how I created several "Dad-the-torturer" alter-states that were later used by professional handlers to interrogate others.)

The telling factor in each of these situations was that my parents became amnesic strangers and did things that they didn't seem to remember afterwards. For this reason, I believe that both parents had alter-states that perpetrated some acts that they had no conscious knowledge of.


Unbeknownst to Dad, I developed many "home" alter-states in a futile attempt to adapt to my parents' unsettling changes and shifts in personality. 5 This was a good thing, because those child alter-states preserved my sense of being good and decent when adults poured their shame on me.

The effects of my parents' dissociation continued to influence me when I was an adult. Because I had felt protective towards Dad when he regressed into a sadistic child alter-state, I later gravitated towards men who switched into child alter-states, feeling equally protective and maternal towards them. If they hurt me, I blocked out their abuse in the same way I had, when Dad had switched and then tortured me.


  Sexual Abuse - Pedophilia

Dad raped me regularly after we moved to Reiffton. To keep me in bed at night, he convinced me that alligators lived under it. He said that they would bite my feet if I left it.

My heart pounded when I had to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. I nearly screamed as I bounced off the bed, landing as far from it as I could, then sprinting into the bathroom. When I prepared to crawl back into bed, I first lifted the covers and bent down to see if any creatures waited to snap at my tender little feet. I became so afraid of the alligators that no matter what the temperature was in our house, I covered my feet with a blanket.

If I left the bed, the alligators might bite my feet. If I stayed in bed, Dad might rape me again. I developed a child part named Annie (based on my middle name) that compartmentalized the feeling of utter hopelessness and the memories of Dad raping me in my own bed. 6

Although Dad continued to sexually assault me, he seemed more interested in molesting boys. He often used my unsuspecting brothers to lure neighborhood boys into playing touch and tackle football on a grassy upper field at the nearby high school. Behind our house, Dad also erected a basketball goal. Again, he encouraged the children to play with him. At the time, I didn't understand why Dad didn't encourage the boys' parents to play with us. Now, I believe he wanted every possible opportunity to touch the children's bodies, undetected.

According to a letter that Dad wrote in 1989, he was also an advisor to the Catholic church's St. Catherine's Orphanage in Reading from 1960 to 1964. He taught Math and English to some of its child residents,


and repeatedly invited his favorite male student to spend nights in our home. I believe that Dad used his volunteer work at the orphanage for the primary purpose of accessing more child victims. 7

In the summer, we often walked several miles from Reiffton to a membership swimming park. When he wasn't swimming in the adult section, he lay on a big towel on the grass, propped up on his elbows. In the same way that some men like to watch beautiful women in swimsuits, my father lusted after the innocent children.

He had a certain look when he was sexually aroused by them. His upper eyelids closed halfway like a contented feline's and his lips became full and soft. Many years later, I grew nauseous when I found an old photo of a trusting young female cousin sitting on Dad's lap . . . he had the same expression.

When I was an adult, Dad sometimes forced me to attend secretive pedophile meetings where he told the listeners, mostly men, that he chose to cultivate a six-month "relationship" with a boy before he made his first sexual move. He said once the boy believed that Dad loved him, he knew the boy wouldn't tell anyone that Dad had "approached him sexually." 8


  Sexual Abuse - Sex Equaled Love

Although they'd had plenty of opportunity, neither Mom nor Dad ever-to my memory-privately held or caressed me in an unselfish, nonsexual way. Mom also never told me that she loved me, although she did sign, "Love, Mom," on letters and greeting cards when I was an adult.

Mom didn't say good things about me, other than that I was smarter than she and that I resembled my father's only sister. I considered that a compliment, since Dad's sister was warm and loving towards me in a respectful way.

The only holding and touch I received from Dad, other than spankings and torture, was sexual intercourse-although gradually I also blocked out those memories. 9 Sometimes, after he had finished raping me, Dad would say, "I love you, daughter." Because this was the only time that he said he loved me, I mentally paired love with sex. Lying beside him on the bed he normally shared with Mom, I felt warm and wonderful inside. I believed I was lucky to have a dad who gave me special love and attention!

My sexually conditioned alter-states looked forward to our "special times." Whenever Dad made fun of Mom, as we lay alone together in the


bed, my alter-states felt superior to her. Dad encouraged me to believe I was his wife, and that Mom was the usurper.


  Sexual Abuse - Kiddy Porn


Even more unacceptable to society than parental sexual abuse of children, are the actions of parents who film their children being sexually abused, and then sell or swap the pictures and videos with other perpetrators.

I have repeatedly remembered that as a child, I was often given to adults to be sexually violated, both in and away from rituals. I've also clearly remembered being raped by a succession of men for porn shoots that Mom, who was there to supervise me, called "soap operas."

I was used in a lot of pornography, both as a child and later as an adult. Dad told me that some of the kiddy porn films that he forced me to participate in were sold for a profit on the black-market to other voyeurs and pedophiles. Most people do not understand that pornographers can make big money by selling illegal pornography that can include bestiality, snuff (murder), and kiddy porn. 10

I'm glad most parents are genetically "programmed" to love and protect their children. Unfortunately, a healthy emotional bond never existed between me and my parents. They were both broken on the inside, and had turned to sexual perversions to physically and emotionally satiate their desires. They had found and associated with other broken people for whom what was unacceptable to society, was eerily "normal."

I still mourn the loss of not having had a mother and father to love, protect, and make me feel good about myself. I sometimes wonder what my life would have been like if they had. I also think about the many children in our country who are being hurt in frighteningly similar ways. Although I am free to heal my wounds, tragically, many victim-slaves are still imprisoned in one of a number of brutal pedophile and black- marketing networks. 11

Some people may want to believe that these predators, and groups of predators, are rare. I believe this is a fallacy, because I have met many career pedophiles who seemed to network in sophisticated ways. I was present at some of their secretive meetings, where Dad was so brazen, he happily presented information on how to sexually ensnare children and


then use them for pornography. Kiddy porn, child prostitution, and child slavery continue to be highly lucrative trades. 12


  Sexual Abuse - Comfortably Numb

Because of the sexual assaults and torture, I became physically numb. Even when I walked into furniture, I felt no pain and later wondered at my bruises.

In the early 1990s, when I began to remember, my body woke up in tandem with my mind. The following changes in my body suggest to me that at least some of the memories were real:

Before I began to remember the rapes and torture, my blood pressure usually hovered somewhere between 90/60 and 80/50. Now, my blood pressure averages about 120/80.

Before recovery, I couldn't sweat-this was dangerous in hot weather. Now, I sweat as easily as most people.

Before I remembered the abuse, my hands and feet were constantly cold. I always wore socks to bed. Now, my extremities stay warm most of the time.

In the past, I rarely felt physical pain. Now, I feel pain as soon as I hurt myself. This change angered me; dammit, I didn't want to feel pain! A therapist helped me to understand that feeling pain is important, because it signals when I am injured, so that I can attend to the injury.

Before recovery, most of my sexually addicted alter-states required pain to be able to experience sexual pleasure. Now, because my body is much more sensitive to touch, and because I've remembered the source of the original pain, I no longer need pain to enjoy an intimate relationship with my husband.

These and other physical transformations have indicated that I was in a trance-state before I remembered. Physical disconnection had been important, because I couldn't dare to feel my body during sexual assaults and torture sessions-the pain could have killed me. I feel grateful that at those times I was able to dissociate and numb my body.


1. One of those experiences was unexpectedly beneficial: Dad put me in a cage with a relaxed, older lioness. Although I initially feared that she would eat me, she instead let me lie in front of her elongated torso, my back to her abdomen, and then


she put her large right paw atop my left side. Feeling her closeness and warmth was probably the closest I ever came to experiencing maternal nurturing.

2. In The Osiris Complex, Dr. Colin Ross wrote:

The only time personality states are deliberately created and named by parents, according to the information we are getting from MPD patients in North America, is in cults. In Satanic and other types of cults, apparently, personalities are deliberately created to carry out certain ritual tasks, to hold post-hypnotic instructions, and for other purposes, (pg. 137)

Some self-described "authorities" on ritual crime and recovered memories- including Kenneth Lanning (an FBI employee) and FMSF spokespersons-have publicly insisted that no proofs of ritual crime in the US exist, and that alleged survivors and their therapists are fabricating "false memories." I find it difficult to believe that these professionals are so inept that they are unable to locate proofs that are openly available to the public.

In the 1990s, a pro-survivor organization, Believe the Children (BTC) published a long list of documented occult crimes, most of them perpetrated within the US. To review an online version of the BTC's Ritual Abuse Report, go to the PARC-VRAMC website at and click on "BTC RA Report." Karen Jones' "Satanism and Ritual Abuse Archive" contains newer information about such crimes. It can be found at karencuriojonesarchive.htm.

3. Carla Emery explained the process of spontaneously switching from one altered state of consciousness to another: A fugue is a spontaneous, complete dissociation. Persons with split personality are in fugue when being an alternate persona. The original personality is amnesic for the fugue period. M.H. Erickson called such a trance an example of posthypnotic behavior which erupts from the unconscious up "into the conscious stream of activity and fails to become an integral part of that activity" (Nature of Posthypnotic Behavior) — unless the subject later manages, or is enabled, to remember, (pg. 230)

4. Because of this and other physical traumas, the muscles in the back of my neck are always tight and painful. Some professionals now believe that fibromyalgia can result from injuries done to muscles, ligaments and tendons during physical and sexual assaults.

5. Dr. Colin Ross wrote: "It is common for adult women in treatment for MPD to describe clear evidence of MPD in one or both parents, which can include clear descriptions of switching and names of parental alter personalities." (Osiris Complex pg. 199)

6. For the child who depends on an abusive caregiver, the situation demands that information about the abuse be blocked from mental mechanisms that control attachment (bonding) behavior... the closeness of the victim-perpetrator relationship

impacts probability of amnesia. Amnesia rates across a variety of studies appear to be higher for parental or incestuous abuse than non-parental or non-incestuous abuse. (Freyd and DePrince, pg. 142)

7. Like other pedophiles, Dad sought physical contact with as many children as possible. In the late 1980s, Dr. Gene Abel and his associates interviewed sex offenders who were clients, guaranteeing them confidentiality. Few people were prepared for the results of their study:

Two hundred and thirty-two child molesters admitted attempting more than fifty-five thousand incidents of molestation. They claimed to have been successful in 38,000 incidents and reported they had more than 17,000 total victims. All this from only 232 men. Men who molested out-of-home female children averaged twenty victims. Although there were fewer of them, men who molested out-of-home male children were even more active than molesters of female children, averaging 150 victims each . . . Despite the astounding figures, most of these offenses had never been detected. In fact, Abel computed the chances of being caught for a sexual offense at 3 percent. (Salter, pg. 11)

8. Why would Dad brag to other pedophiles about the techniques he used to entrap and sexually molest children? Anna C. Salter, Ph.D. explains:

The truth is that many sex offenders like to talk about their exploits — if it can be done in some way that doesn't hurt them in court. They are proud of what clever fellows they are. Narcissism is their Achilles'
heel. (pg. 5)

9. I not only blocked out memories of feeling terror, pain, and horror; I also blocked out memories of having felt very ashamed. This often occurred when I was forced to do something that I knew was socially unacceptable-especially if I enjoyed the activity. This included orgasmic "sex with" Dad and other adults. Some pedophile organizations claim that children's enjoyment of sexual stimulation is "proof" that children want sex with adults, and that children shouldn't be kept from "doing it with" adults. These molesters seem to miss the point.

Children and even adolescents are grossly underdeveloped-sexually, physiologically, emotionally, and even mentally. I firmly believe that any adult who willingly and repeatedly takes advantage of a vulnerable child's natural inclination towards pleasurable sexual stimulation should be kept completely away from children until and unless that adult is sufficiently rehabilitated and truly understands the depth of the pain and damage he or she caused in the child victims' minds and lives.

10. In the 1990s, when I remembered decades of forced participation in porn shoots, I felt embarrassed and worried that some people might still own revealing films or pictures of me. I also feared that someone in my new life might accidentally come across them. Another fear arose from threats that Dad and other handlers made

when I was an adult: they would send porn pictures to my neighbors and co-workers if I didn't stay silent. My way of dealing with that last fear is that if such pictures ever surface, I'll use them as verifications of my past enslavement.

11. In August 8, 2002, the Associated Press reported arrests made for crimes, perpetrated by a group of adults, that were painfully familiar:

WASHINGTON - A group of parents sexually molested and photographed their own children and swapped pictures over the Internet, forming what one man called "the club," said US Customs Service officials who announced charges Friday against 10 Americans and 10 Europeans.

Forty-five children were victimized, including 37 Americans ranging in age from 2 to about 14, said Customs Commissioner Robert C. Bonner.

"These crimes are beyond the pale," Bonner said. "They are despicable and repugnant."

The suspects are men except for Bente Jensen of Denmark, who was charged along with her husband . . .

"What is particularly disturbing about this case is that the majority of the people who have been charged were actually the parents who were sexually exploiting their own children," Bonner told a news conference.

As I read the article, I wept for the children and also for myself-for the hell we've all endured. I also felt grateful that someone cared enough about their welfare to intervene on their behalf. Now they have a chance to experience normal childhoods.

12. To learn more about the child black-marketing trade, read The Commercial Sexual Exploitation of Children in the US, Canada and Mexico, published in September of 2001. It can be obtained via the Internet at CSEC.htm, from the University of Pennsylvania, School of Social Work, Center for the Study of Youth Policy, 4200 Pine St., 3rd floor, Philadelphia, PA 19104-4090, or by phone: (215) 898-5531.

Two websites, and The Finders Case at provide information about an investigation (reportedly thwarted by the CIA) into organized child sexual abuse, black-marketing of children, criminal occult ritual abuse, and kiddy porn, allegedly perpetrated by members of the CIA-connected Finders cult in Washington, DC.

  Family Matters - Physical Conditioning


Before I was born, Dad was a celebrated cross-country runner. (Albright, pp. 96, 104-105) In 1960, he barely missed representing the United States at the Olympics in Rome. I suspect because he saw his children as extensions of his own ego, he wanted each of us to also become star athletes. He took us almost every day to the race track at the nearby high school and used a stopwatch to time us as we sprinted in the grassy field or ran long distances on the encompassing oval cinder racetrack. He also entered us in local children's track meets. My brothers did fairly well, but because I was overweight, I came in last every time. Each time, Dad berated and belittled me in front of the other participants and their parents.


  Family Matters - My Father's Sadism

Although I always knew Dad had a cruel streak (forcing me to run when I hurt was a good example), I wasn't able to remember the rituals, the torture sessions, or the rapes. Still, I always felt fear and anxiety in his presence. I knew something was very wrong with him.

After we'd moved to Reiffton, Mom bought a record album, The Best of Spike Jones & His City Slickers, from a city bus driver for Dad's birthday. Delighted, Dad constantly played the record. He especially played a parody of My Old Flame. In that song, the singer pretended to set fire to his lover. As Dad listened, he grinned in a childlike way, baring his teeth. His laughter and facial expression scared the crap out of me. His other favorite song on the album was You Always Hurt the One You Love. It could have been his theme song. Another song, Der Fuehrer's Face, made fun of Hitler. I think Dad may have enjoyed that particular song because he sometimes chafed against his Nazi mentors' rigid control.  


Over the years, he amassed a large collection of long-playing record albums. He especially loved big bands, jazz, movie soundtracks, and classical music. He repeatedly forced me to sit in the living room and listen to some of them. One was an orchestral version of the Red Shoes Ballet. Each time he played it, he told me the story of the girl who found a pair of magical red shoes that she believed would help her become a good ballet dancer. When she couldn't remove the shoes, they made her dance until she died from exhaustion. Dad said the girl was punished for being selfish. After that, I stopped asking for anything from my parents-I didn't want to die!

Another record included the 1812 Overture. Dad laughed as I froze whenever I heard a set of notes that signaled the cannon blasts were coming. He turned up the bass so the walls reverberated, forcing me to listen to it again and again until I wasn't afraid of the booming sounds anymore.

Sometimes he unscrewed my bedroom's ceiling light bulb. I don't know how many times I entered my bedroom at night, terrified of the dark, and flipped the switch-to find it didn't work. He often hid in my room in the dark, waiting for me, then hurt or raped me. He sometimes unscrewed the light bulb after he tucked me into bed and laughed as he walked out of the room, knowing that I'd be too terrified of the dark to try to run to the bathroom.

Until I remembered those frightening experiences, I had recurring nightmares of entering my dark bedroom, the light switch not working, my heart thudding as I felt the presence of great evil in the darkness, then physical pain.

My cat, Snoopy, was the only warm-blooded creature I fully trusted. I don't remember how old I was when Mom gave him to me, but I probably had him for at least ten years. (When I was about to leave home and marry my first husband, she made me leave Snoopy beside a road far away from home, next to an opened can of tuna.)

Snoopy never betrayed me. Feeling his soft fur and the vibration of his purring kept me emotionally soft and connected. He often pulled me out of bad moods by rubbing against me and meowing, demanding to be held and petted.

Unfortunately, Dad decided to use Snoopy to control me. He knew that I dearly loved my cat and felt personally responsible for his safety. I was a constant nervous wreck, because I knew Dad could hurt or kill him at any time. He used my fear of what he could do to Snoopy to ensure that I obeyed him and didn't tell neighbors about our family secrets.


Whenever I showed a spark of defiance towards Dad at home, he picked Snoopy up and petted him while baring his teeth at me. When my shoulders drooped, he put Snoopy down. I got the message; he didn't need to say a word.

Dad also knew I was especially concerned for my youngest brother's safety. Sometimes I felt as if I were his mother. Although I feared what Dad could do to Snoopy, my greater fear was that Dad would kill my brother. Recognizing my instinctive drive to protect him, Dad repeatedly threatened that if I didn't do exactly what he said, or if I ever told outsiders what went on in the house, he would kill him. Although I didn't remember Dad's threats after a while, I still felt the terror. I remained hyper- vigilant whenever my little brother and I played together in the house. Alert to the sound of Dad's heavy footsteps, I usually tried to distract Dad and keep him in a good mood by telling him about my good work that day at school.

Whenever Dad caught us saying an unacceptable word, he made us stand in front of the basement sink as he rubbed a bar of soap, hard, on our teeth and sometimes on our tongues; then he told us to stand there. When I cried and begged him to let us wash our mouths out, he grinned at my discomfort. Even now, I cannot stand the taste of soap or shampoo.

By punishing us for cussing, he magically made himself appear moral. Because his behavior created cognitive dissonance in my mind, I unconsciously blocked out contradictory memories of the times when he was amoral and dangerous.

Dad's favorite form of sadistic abuse at home was "spanking." The sexually voyeuristic abuse usually went like this: first, Mom was angry about something we did. When Dad came home from work, she told him we needed a spanking. Dad called us into their bedroom while Mom went into another part of the house. He made us stand in a row beside their bed and then told one of us to get his brown, plastic hairbrush from their medicine cabinet. I shook and cried when he told me to bring it to him. (One day, I hid the brush. I learned not to do that again.)

One at a time, he made us pull down our underpants and bend over the bed. He said in advance how many spankings he'd give us. His arm was strong and the spankings were very painful. On one occasion, he lost control of his anger, and used the bristle side of the brush to make hundreds of bleeding pinpricks on my buttocks and upper legs.



(Mom was upset about that-not because he'd hurt me, but because he'd made noticeable marks.)

Usually, Dad kept control and spanked us very slowly. He'd hit us once and then wait until we felt the full intensity of the pain. 1 That increased our fear of being hit again. I usually cried and begged him to please not spank me anymore. He usually responded by saying, "You'd better stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about!" His words made me feel crazy, because they suggested that I had no reason to cry when he hurt me.

After Dad spanked us and went into another part of the house, Mom hugged us and angrily said that Dad was a bastard. And yet, the next time we misbehaved, she started the cycle again.

When we attended Sunday morning services at our nearby Lutheran church, we always sat with our parents on a hard, uncomfortable wooden pew. We were not allowed to wiggle or talk as the pastor's voice droned on. Once in a while, Dad let Mom bring coloring books and crayons to keep us quiet. More often, Mom shared a small pad of blank paper from her purse that we were allowed to doodle on with tiny church pencils. Sometimes, Dad allowed us to draw on our church bulletins.

He often fell asleep during the sermon-sometimes he snored. And sometimes, when he awoke from his nap, he drew odd heads of Indians with lumpy, slanted foreheads, feathers coming out of the tops of their heads. He laughed when he showed us those pictures. I felt relieved when he drew them, because then I knew he wouldn't hurt us.

Sometimes, however, he grew angry as we wiggled, whispered, or dropped a pencil on the floor. That was when the mental torture began. With every movement or sound that we made, he raised a finger and wordlessly counted with his lips, staring at us. Each finger raised meant how many "spankings" he would give all three of us as soon as we got home. Of course, that upset us and we cried. Our tears meant even more spankings. 2

When we lived in Pennsylvania, we only had one car. Sometimes on Saturday afternoons, Dad drove all of us to town. He usually dropped Mom off in front of a store, telling her he'd drive around the block while waiting for her. When Mom emerged from the store with packages in her arms and tried to open the locked passenger door, Dad moved the car away. Mom walked towards the car and tried again, fussing at him through the closed window. He again moved away. She tried again.


Eventually, he drove around the big city block while Mom waited by the curb, humiliated and angry.

When he finally stopped and unlocked the front passenger door, Mom climbed in and yelled at him. When Dad laughed at her, baring his crooked teeth, I laughed too. Then she turned her rage onto me, sometimes reaching over the seat and furiously hitting me as Dad kept laughing.

Dad's sadism spilled over in other settings, away from rituals and home. When he was given permission to torture me and other children in controlled laboratory settings, his sadism increased exponentially. With the CIA allegedly backing him, he could do anything he wanted, knowing he didn't have to worry about being arrested for his crimes against humanity.

This is the main reason why I am so angry about the CIA's MKULTRA program. Although it may have initially been created for good, it also basically gave carte blanche to sadists and pedophiles who took advantage of defenseless children in secretive settings.

One of Dad's programming techniques that he used in a building where he held rituals was to attach ropes to cages. Then he put me and other naked children in them (one per cage). He would use the pulleys he'd attached to the ceiling to pull the cages up into the air, jiggling us occasionally by jerking on our ropes to keep us off-balance and helpless. Sometimes he kept us in the cages up in the air for days. By doing this, he conditioned me to believe he had total control over me and my body.


He also took me to a laboratory in the Reading area that I suspect was in a Bell Lab building. The following is a journaled childhood memory that explains one way Dad successfully programmed my mind in that lab:

Pain, isolation, deprivation. Torture, training, total isolation in a dark, not black, soundless box made of metal. Dad poured his pain into me (via electrical torture). I became the repository for his pain. Pain kills. I was alone in that box ... no one to talk to, no one who cared. NO ONE. He was master of horrors. He cut the kitten open alive, starting with its sweet tender stomach. It trusted him. It trusted him and he killed it. He said he was teaching me not to care. Then he put me in the box that was too small to stand in; I had to sit in it, one side open.

I saw the lab. I saw my father. The box was my only respite. And he let me decide when to come out again. He kept busy and patiently waited



until I decided to come out again - to HIM. He forced me to choose to come to him, to be with him, no matter what pain he gave me. I became Frankenstein's lab assistant. His creation. Cold. Uncaring. Wooden. You are what is done to you. Do unto others what was done unto you; give out as has been given unto you. These were Satan's laws and he was Satan in the flesh. Satan is human pain-giving. Hate hate hate let the whole world hate. Kill kill kill let the whole world kill ... all should have to feel as I feel and yet it is never enough. Never enough. I'm always back in the box. With the knowing and the pain.

The way that box worked, I sat in it with a roof, front and two sides completely closed, the "door" side behind me-my father left it open just enough so light from the lab came in between the top of that side and the roof of the box. The light from the lab was inviting and I was never totally in the dark. Dad knew I was scared of totally black places. It was like he was saying, "See how kind I am to you? I even make sure you have some light! And see, I'm not dragging you out-you have to want to come into the lab-you have to want to be with me." I had to turn around and crawl out on all fours.


When I opened the box and came out, I chose to be with him, with
those men, in the lab. Tortured in the lab, then put in the box, no torture, then go back into the lab for more; tortured again. And no, I never learned to like it. I never liked the pain. Sometimes they didn't torture me-and when they didn't, it was even worse, because then I felt like I was becoming one of them.


  Family Matters - Grandma M's Kindness

Unlike my parents, my maternal grandmother was often kind and
attentive when I visited with her in her home in Laureldale. 3 When Mom
started working as a secretary at a nearby insurance agency, Grandma
took care of me, especially when I was ill. Every time I eat chicken
noodle soup and saltine crackers, I still remember how good Grandma
made me feel as I lay on her rough-textured living room sofa and
watched afternoon soap operas with her. If not for Grandma and the
kindness and positive attention I received from my elementary school-
teachers, I might have broken all the way and become a willing sadist
like my father.



Perhaps the kindnesses I received from others is also why I'm unable
to hold onto my hatred towards Dad for what he did to me and so many
others. I suspect he didn't have anyone to love and cherish him when he
was hurt as a child. Maybe this is why he broke all the way and became
a human monster.

I often visited my maternal grandparents in their old, two-story house.
One day, as Grandpa worked in a small repair shop near the
house, I grabbed a handful of roasted peanuts from his jar in a kitchen
cupboard. I couldn't understand the fear on Grandma's face when she
caught me. She begged me not to do it again, but I couldn't resist-they
were so delicious ! Fortunately, Grandpa never seemed to notice.

Grandma seemed to do whatever Grandpa told her to do. Sometimes
she shook when she told me that I must be careful not to make him angry.
Mom often called Grandpa "king of the hill," albeit never to his face.
Although Mom seemed bitter and angry towards him, she still insisted
that we go to their house at least once a week.

I didn't understand Mom's anger when Grandpa ranted about
"niggers" and "kikes" and "Pollocks." I was too inexperienced to know
that his words weren't part of a normal person's vocabulary.

Sometimes, I sneaked down their wooden, enclosed stairway that
led from the kitchen into the basement. I sat quietly on a narrow, painted
step and listened as Grandpa talked to men on his elaborate ham radio
set. Although he often spoke in English, he occasionally spoke in
German and several other languages that I didn't recognize. Although
I didn't understand much of what the men said, I felt proud of Grandpa
for talking to men who lived so far away. How many grandfathers could
do that?

One day, he caught me sitting there. Angry, he yelled at Grandma
to make sure I didn't spy on him again. Since I didn't want Grandma
to get into trouble, I reluctantly stayed upstairs and gave him his

The family's need to protect Grandma from discomfort seemed
extreme. When I became an adolescent, a teenaged male relative sexually
molested me, several times, in their basement. When Mom asked me why
I didn't want to go to Grandma's house anymore, I told her. Instead of
comforting me or expressing anger that I'd been molested, she said,
"You mustn't tell Grandma-it will break her heart." She never mentioned
it to me, again. 4

Family Matters


Grandpa M.'s Control

Before 1990, 1 didn't know that I had altered states of consciousness.
I also didn't know that Grandpa M. had created several of them for his
own future use. He had used a rudimentary form of torture to split my
personality by holding the lit end of his ever-present cigar against my
forearm when we were alone in his repair shop. The pain put me into a
trance state. He then verbally implanted hypnotic suggestions. When he
finished, he gave another suggestion that completely blocked out all
memory of the torture-if I noticed the pain, he either said I accidentally
brushed against his cigar, or burned it on another hot surface.

Back inside the house, he gave me a paper band from one of his cigars.
I wore it proudly on my finger. Sometimes he even gave me an empty
cigar box to take home. Because he tortured me sometimes and was
friendly at other times, I both feared him and was loyal to him.

That loyalty was used frequently by professional handlers when I was
an adult. I was conditioned to call Grandpa at home if I was on a state-
side op that went awry. Whenever he answered the phone, I told him
what had happened, and then he told me what to do. My child alter-states
were always excited when handlers tricked them into believing we were
going to Pennsylvania to see Grandpa.

Grandpa told some of my child alter-states that he worked for
"The Company." He said he had been part of the O.S.S., which he called
the "Old Guard." He seemed angry about certain changes that had been
made within the Company. He told me he had personally recruited my
father for them. From what I have remembered, Grandpa also seemed to
have covert connections to at least several high-ranking politicians.


  Family Matters - Racism

When I was a child, I only interacted with Blacks one time. At Dad's
urging, our Lutheran church had donated its old wooden pews to a Black
inner-city congregation. They responded by sending their choir to our
church to give a concert. 5 Although I would like to believe that Dad had
a soft spot for Blacks, I think he more likely went out of his way to seem
supportive, even contributing money to a Black arts organization, so if
anyone ever tried to accuse him of affiliating with local Nazis, those
witnesses would effectively be discredited. 6



At Aryan and neo-Nazi meetings in Pennsylvania, and later in
Georgia, Dad often talked about Blacks' inferiority and their tendency
towards violence-as if he had none. 7 Because I believed him and other
Aryan leaders, I irrationally feared anyone with dark skin. Even when
I was an adult, I was convinced (although I couldn't remember why) that
Black men would want to hurt me because I was a white woman.

Dad and other local handlers occasionally transported me to run-down
parts of large cities, making me meet alone with Black men for drug
transactions. Sometimes the handlers drove away, leaving me alone with
those strangers. Each time, I was terrified that the Black men would kill
me. Although I blocked out those memories, the irrational fear kept me
from interacting with Blacks.

Unlike Dad, Grandpa M. openly expressed his bigotry at home. And
yet, he seemed to change in his later years. When I was in my thirties,
Mom told me a lovely story: because he was a volunteer fireman,
Grandpa was sent into the home of an elderly Black woman who had
fallen out of her bed, breaking her hip. She was in great pain and cried
out every time Grandpa tried to move her. He surprised himself by being
gentle and empathic towards her. That experience changed his life and
his attitude towards Blacks in general.

He also became more gentle and compassionate towards Grandma
after she was stricken with Alzheimer's disease. Several relatives told me
that Grandpa visited her almost every day in a local nursing home,
doting on her.

Grandpa's changed behaviors proved to me that anyone has the
capability to change and become a better human being. How ironic
that the same man who I believe set me up to become an MKULTRA
slave, eventually showed me how to recover my soul through his own


  Family Matters - Interpreter

Although Grandpa M. told me that he had introduced Dad to the CIA,
and also seemed to be Dad's primary handler in Pennsylvania, Dad told
me that Dad had been "tapped" by the CIA to act as an interpreter for
some of the Nazi immigrants that the CIA and US Army had secretively
brought into the US. He said that because he was a native American who

Family Matters


spoke German, he wasn't considered a security threat. If Dad told me
the truth about his recruitment, then I suspect it occurred after he
enrolled at Reading's Albright College, where he earned a Bachelor of
Science degree.

Although he had listened to weekly German radio programs as a child,
and although his mother spoke fluent German at home, Dad hadn't
seemed comfortable with the language until after he'd joined two clubs
at Albright that focused on German language and culture.

The meetings of the first club, Delta Phi Alpha, Beta Psi chapter, were
conducted in German and focused on "important and interesting aspects
of German culture."

The monthly meetings of the second club, Der Deutsche Verein,
included "folk songs, student talks on Germany, Christmas caroling, and
films." Dad was vice-president of the second club for one year, and
participated in both clubs during his last two years at Albright. (Albright,
pp. 40, 70-71, 125)

This may have been a marked change in Dad, because his earlier 1948
Muhlenberg High School yearbook states:

Bill . . . delights in chemistry . . . would rather run than
study . . . member of "mad" track team . . . Mixed Chorus
standby . . . plays bass horn in band . . . prefers Jarrof and
Como records. . . struggles in German class [italics added].
(Muhltohi, pg. 43)


  Family Matters - Nazi Recruitment


In 2003, when President George W. Bush ordered the US military to
invade Iraq, he did so against the wishes of the majority of the United
Nations, including two of its most powerful members, France and
Germany. As a result of their governments' unwillingness to support our
President's actions, many US citizens joined together to boycott their
imports-some restaurants even changed their menus to show "Freedom
Fries" instead of "French Fries!"

Although the animosity was strong between our countries during
that time, it paled in comparison to the hatred most Americans felt
towards Germans during WWI and WWII. Because Dad's mother was a



German- American, she and others in their community protected them-
selves by hiding their heritage. They did this by claiming that they were
"Pennsylvania Dutch." Because I didn't remember being taken to meet
the Nazi men and didn't know I was part German, I believed Grandma
when she told me that I was instead part Dutch.

This was the environment Dad grew up in. He heard people call
Germans "dirty Krauts" and worse. Some of the neighborhood boys even
targeted him for brutal beatings, possibly because of his heritage.

Dad was forced to hide half of who he was. And yet, he was regularly
exposed to German radio programs at home that surely would have
encouraged him to feel proud of his heritage. The schism between who
he was, and who he feared to let people know he was, must have been
painful and crazy-making.

I believe this is the primary reason why he so quickly aligned with
the Nazis he later introduced me to. Whereas he'd been made to feel
dirty and ashamed for being half German, these men helped him to
feel proud of his heritage. They also provided a form of paternal
nurturing and acceptance that his own father hadn't been able to
give him.

Once Dad emotionally aligned with these hardened Nazi immigrants,
he never seemed to want to be anything else. And yet, because our
country was still understandably biased towards Nazis, Dad again hid
who he was.


  Family Matters - Paternal Grandparents

According to family lore, Dad's father, a Welsh immigrant, was sold as a boy by his mother to a ship's captain, to pay the family's property taxes. 9 As an indentured servant (really, a slave), Grandpa was brought by ship to America, where he was eventually adopted and raised by an uncle who changed the boy's last name from Chirk to Shirk. 10

I believe Dad's long-term minimization of the seriousness of Grandpa's mother's betrayal, and of Grandpa's subsequent slavery, may be one reason why Dad saw nothing wrong with using me and other children as objects to be bartered, sold, and abused.

When I was older, Dad told me more about his tumultuous childhood. (He also told the story to several other relatives.) When Dad was a child, his father was sometimes in a dangerous rage when he came home drunk


at night. Dad said that more than once, his mother locked herself in the basement while Dad led his four siblings into the woods to hide all night. As the eldest child, he also seemed to suffer the worst of his father's abusive rages.

I believe Grandpa Shirk was a complex and wounded man. I believe he drank heavily to medicate deep emotional pain. Heaven only knows what the men did to him, a defenseless boy slave, on that long overseas voyage. And if his mother had sold him to strangers, what else did his childhood family do to him?

Still, Grandpa Shirk often gave me positive male attention-something I never received from my own father. Grandpa usually acted as if he liked me, and sometimes he talked to me as if we were the only two people in the room. Because he was often kind to me (although not always), I emotionally bonded with him, more than I did with Dad.

In the summer of 1968, I vacationed at my paternal aunt's house. One sunny day as I played in the back yard, she received a phone call. A relative told her that Grandpa had committed suicide in front of the church where he worked as a janitor. When she told me, I went into shock: "No! He can't be dead!"

The next day, after I'd returned to Laureldale, Grandma Shirk told me that Grandpa had stuffed a towel in the tailpipe of his car and had "gone to sleep" by inhaling the exhaust fumes. She said Grandpa had killed himself because the pain from his recent stomach cancer was too much to bear. Unfortunately, because Grandma didn't add that what Grandpa had done was wrong, I believed committing suicide to avoid pain must be an acceptable family tradition.

During the funeral service, Grandma led me and several younger cousins to Grandpa's coffin in the front of the room. She encouraged me to touch his cold, hard cheek with my finger. As I did, I realized that the one man I truly loved was gone forever. And as I rode with Grandma in the black limousine, my heart shattered. He really was dead. He was gone.

At home, neither of my parents ever discussed Grandpa or his death with me. It was if he had never existed.

For a long time after that, I had grief-filled dreams in which strangers drove me on a city street. Each time, I saw Grandpa walking along a sidewalk. I tried to break the car window with my feet so I could call out to him, but I was always too late. When I escaped from the car, he'd already disappeared. Each time I awoke, my pillow was soaked with tears.




1. Anna C. Salter, Ph.D., explained why sadists like Dad liked to prolong the agony of their victims:


The point of sadism is not indifference to pain. It is the deliberate infliction of pain and terror . . . Often sadists will tell their victims in advance what will happen to them in order to increase the terror . . . Rather than being indifferent to how others feel, they are exquisitely attuned to it. But suffering in others does not produce the same feeling state in them. Instead, it produces the opposite. Other people's helplessness makes them feel powerful. Other people's vulnerability makes them feel invincible. Other people's dying makes them feel alive. Other people's submission makes them feel dominant, (p. 108)

2. It's not as easy as one might think, to pick a sadist out of a crowd. I do not find it strange that most people didn't know Dad was one. Anna C. Salter explains why:

If you think that the sadists and the Ted Bundys of the world must somehow look different and can be spotted on the street, think again. Despite an extraordinary level of deviancy and callousness, they are often well ensconced in communities . . . Those sadists who were termed "more severe" (defined as killing three or more people) were considerably better adjusted and more successful than those termed "less severe" (defined as killing only one person), according to one study. For example, 43 percent of the more severe sadists were married at the time of the offense, as opposed to 7 percent of the less severe ones; 33 percent had military experience as opposed to none of the less severe; 43 percent had education beyond high school as compared to none; and a full one-third had a reputation as a solid citizen, as opposed to none of the less severe." (pg. 1 13)

3. Rosencrans explained how an adult survivor of child sexual abuse can have a poor relationship with her mother, and yet the girls in the next generation can have a positive relationship with the same woman:

Some . . . may be viewed and experienced by their grandchildren as much more positive maternal figures than the adult daughters have ever experienced them to be. This transformation may be a relief for the now-grown daughters, but it can also be painful. Their children may get from their grandmothers the nurture and safety that the daughters never received. The grandchildren may trust and love their grandmothers, even though the daughters may never be able to trust them, accept positive information about them as grandmothers, or love them. (pg. 80)


4. In my early twenties, I confronted that male relative by letter. In response, he apologized for what he'd done to me. This is the only apology I have ever received from a sexual abuser.

5. I mean no disrespect when I use the word "Black" instead of "African- American." I prefer to use that word when necessary, because some Blacks have told me they do not want to be called African-American since their ancestors emigrated to the US from other countries.

6. Throughout my life I have met many people, some of whom were politicians or ministers, who publicly professed to support Black rights while also being heavily involved in secretive Aryan organizations and activities. The same has held true for individuals, including ministers, who claimed to be staunch Christians while secretly practicing occult religions. My rale of thumb is this: the harder a person consistently works to "prove" how unbiased or Christian he or she is, the more likelihood I think there is, that the person is the opposite.

7. In 2001, 1 found a verification about racism and neo-Nazism in the Reading area. The article by Mark Stuart Gill was published in Ladies' Home Journal. Gill wrote about Bonnie Jouhari, a Black woman who had worked at the US Department of Housing and Urban Development (HUD) in Reading:

Through her work, she had discovered that 98 percent of minorities in Berks County lived in a ten-square-mile radius in the city of Reading. The other 864 square miles, with better, more affordable housing, were almost entirely white. Minorities who tried to move outside of the urban neighborhood met with stiff resistance . . . [Jouhari stated that] "there is a deeply entrenched prejudice that people here accept as a matter of daily life." (pp. 118-122)

Because of Jouhari's work at HUD, she was targeted by two white supremacist leaders. She and her teenaged daughter were cruelly harassed as they fled from one state to the next. Although Jouhari eventually won a lawsuit against one of the leaders, she and her daughter were, at last report, still living in hiding, (pp. 118, 122-124, 190)

8. In the 80s and 90s, Dad continued to speak German fluently. At least once at its AT&T factory in Norcross, Georgia, Dad served as a tour guide for a group of visiting Germans.

9. In a 1989 letter to his second wife, Dad wrote: "My father was sold as a child." That part of Grandpa's history was confirmed to me in a subsequent letter from a relative who wrote: "Thomas Curtis Shirk was an orphan. His father died when he was a young boy. His mother hired him out to be an indentured servant. Then she died also." I have since learned that most Whites refer to their enslaved ancestors as "indentured servants" to avoid the feeling of shame that is attached to the label of "slave."


10. Dad often bragged that his father's side of the family had partial inheritance rights to the "Chirk family castle in Wales." I thought these claims were pure fantasy until I found proof of the castle's existence through the Internet. Although I found nothing that indicated that it had ever belonged to Dad's family, information about the owners' family coat-of-arms raised the hair on my arms:

The Red Hand of Chirk

There are interesting myths or legends about the origin of the red hand in the Myddleton coat-of-arms. One story tells of a dispute which arose between two youths of the family in the distant past, over inheritance of the castle. To settle the dispute it was agreed that the two youths would run a race, to finish with the winner touching the Castle gates. It is said that the first youth to reach out to the gate at the finishing line was deprived of victory by a supporter of his adversary, who drew his sword and cut off the youth's outstretched hand-thus the "bloody" hand. Another version of this story tells that they swam across the castle lake, and the first hand to touch the far shore was cut off.

The second legend says that the red hand was put as a curse on the Myddleton family. It was said that the curse would only be removed if a prisoner succeeded in surviving imprisonment for 10 years in the Chirk Castle dungeons. The red hand still survives as part of the Myddleton coat-of-arms, proving legend says, that no one in history was able to live longer than 10 years in the terrible conditions of imprisonment at Chirk Castle.

Another version of this story says that if a prisoner could stay alive for 12 years (without cutting his nails) he would inherit the Castle. A further story tells that one of the early Myddletons who was leading a battle, was badly injured. He placed his blood-covered hand on the white tunic he was wearing and left the imprint of the bloody hand. This then became his heraldic symbol (


  Basic Programming - Western Electric


Dad worked at the Western Electric (WE) factory in Reading for about
thirteen years. I have a wood-framed "good luck" caricature of Dad that
one of his co-workers drew for Dad when he was preparing to transfer to
a position at another WE factory in Baltimore, Maryland. Most of his
Reading plant co-workers added their signatures in pen. Occasionally, as
I look at their names, I wonder if any of them were Nazi immigrants. 1

I've had numerous recurring memories of one of my father's
co-workers. The big, black-haired man, also named Bill, had a German
last name. He was Dad's best friend for many years. Our family spent a
lot of time with him, his wife, and their two sons who were about the
same ages as my brothers.

I've repeatedly remembered that Bill's wife was one of Dad's long-
term advisors, especially when Dad programmed my mind. She also
attended some of his occult rituals. Although Dad despised women in
general, he did whatever she said without balking. He genuinely seemed
to respect her. I've had no memories of their having an affair, and don't
know whether she truly cared about him or was merely controlling him.

Sometimes, when Dad wanted to take me to meet with the woman, he
first instructed me to drug Mom so that she'd sleep while we were gone.
Dad kept a small, brown glass container of liquid in an old paint can in
a narrow basement closet with a green wooden door. As instructed, I used
the dropper to surreptitiously put one or two drops of the liquid into
whatever Mom was drinking-usually coffee. That always seemed to

Even away from cult settings, Bill's wife seemed to have a lot of
power over our lives. Mom often depended on her for help and advice,
from one mother to another. Bill's wife seemed to have endless patience
with Mom.

Because Bill's wife was nice to me at times, I didn't hate her. I was
not, however, emotionally connected to her-she was cold as ice. I did like
her husband; he was often funny.


Because I didn't remember that couple's involvement in Dad's cult
activities, I felt sad when Mom eventually decided we mustn't socialize
with them anymore. When Mom told Dad (and us children) that Bill had
asked her to have sex with him, Dad angrily refused to believe her and
blamed her for his loss of their friendship.

I have two good memories about Western Electric. In the first mem-
ory, Dad took my brothers and me to the factory whenever the Navy's
Blue Angels-a precision aviation team-performed an air show over the
city of Reading. He let us stand on the roof for a clear view of their
performance. I jumped and clapped as the jets flew overhead in perfect

In the second memory, Dad brought home vacuum tubes from the
factory that he had helped to design. One weekend, for "show and tell"
at school, he helped me fasten them onto a wooden board. I felt proud
when I showed my classmates what Dad had made.

Unfortunately, he also introduced me to a darker side of his work.



Experimental Laboratory

Dad repeatedly drove me to a large, red brick building in the Reading
area, telling me that his work there was connected to his work at Western
Electric. 2

The multi-story building housed at least one upper-floor scientific
laboratory, where Dad and other men wore white lab coats. In that labo-
ratory, he experimented on white rats and guinea pigs that they kept in
large aquariums atop long counters. Whenever I went there with him,
Dad told me I was his guinea pig. I believed him. We entered the lab
through a guarded door with a rubber seal that whooshed when it slid
open. We walked along a short encased corridor, then through another
whooshing door, into the lab. The scientists in it seemed to perform
chemical experiments. This may explain why Dad was involved-after
all; he bragged that was a mechanical, electrical and chemical engineer.

One afternoon in that big lab, Dad forced me to stand and watch a
Caucasian, blond, clean-cut man standing inside a glass-fronted, small,
sealed room. As I stared, the man's skin turned red as a lobster. Because
I didn't see what happened to him after that, I believed Dad when he said
that he'd died from radiation.

Basic Programming


That horrible experience generated a series of nightmares that I've
never forgotten. In them, the blond, red-skinned radiation monster
chased me up and down the streets of Reading because I'd watched him
die and had done nothing to save him.

After that incident, some of the lab scientists conspired to play a trick
on me. One of the white-coated men would look agitated and yell that the
radiation monster was on the loose: "Run for your life; he's coming!"
Each time, I left through the sealed corridor, then quickly ran down sev-
eral open flights of metal stairs, and then out past a solid door where, just
beyond, Dad usually parked the car. Then Dad inevitably exited and
drove me home, using back roads to confuse me about the lab's where-
abouts. As usual, by the time I returned home, I'd completely blocked out
having been to that building.

That same evening, Dad would force me to watch the weekly Outer
Limits sci-fi television show. Sometimes it was about a lab-created
monster. Although I always cried and begged him not to make me watch
the program, he didn't relent. I was so terrified of the radio frequency
sounds signaling the beginning of each show that professional handlers
played them over the phone when I was an adult, to put me into a con-
trollable trance-state.



Chain Programming

At home, Dad-the-engineer drew flowcharts of my "systems" of alter-
states, leaving them on his easel in our upstairs screened-in porch.
Because he drew the systems in code, only he and some of my alter-
states understood what the charts represented. Those parts believed him
when he told them he knew me better than I knew myself.

Although non-traumatic hypnosis could have effectively been used to
control my mind, Dad clearly preferred using trauma-based programming
to split it. To create a new system (group) of alter-states, he first triggered
(called out) a primary alter-state that he'd previously created. When that
alter-state emerged, he traumatized that alter-state, sometimes using elec-
tricity, until that part couldn't take any more pain. That part "went under,"
leaving another part of my mind conscious to endure the next trauma. 3

Dad called this technique chain programming. He traumatized one
alter-state after another, verbally assigning each one an individualized



code name, until I stopped functioning altogether. When that happened,
he knew he'd gone as far as he could. He'd start the next session on
another day, again calling out a primary alter- state and then traumatizing
that part to create another succession of linked alter-states and personality
fragments. 4

Somehow, Dad knew that if a trauma was familiar, a previously con-
scious part would emerge that had coped with that type of trauma before.
The only way he could create new alter-states and personality fragments
was to expose me to traumas that I hadn't yet learned how to cope with.

Using this technique, Dad eventually created over a thousand alter-states
and personality fragments in my shattered mind. He assigned each one a
code name that was later used by him and other professional handlers to
trigger them back out into consciousness. He also took me to spend time
with other adults, allegedly working for the CIA, who used more sophisti-
cated techniques to program and train many of these alter-states.

Some of those professional trainers taught me how to use various
deadly weapons. They especially used repetition to condition the split-off
parts of my mind to respond so automatically while using those weapons,
that during ops I used them without even thinking-similar to driving a car
without thinking about how to do it. Not having to think about how to
hold and aim a weapon probably saved my life many times, because even
a second or two of extra response time could have easily led to my death.

I had the bad luck of being raised by a father who enjoyed hurting and
terrorizing me and other child victims. He was a sociopath with no moral
brakes. He often boasted that the sky was the limit as to what he could do
to children's minds. He repeatedly told me I was his prototype, and
explained if a technique worked with me, he'd use it later on other children.

How could any group of adults torture and brutalize innocent children
for years? I'm not sure I have an answer, because that reality is still so
horrific to me. Nonetheless, some do enjoy it.

The following is a childhood memory about a professionally run
programming facility that I and other children were taken to, mostly by
our parents.

I was exposed to torture/kill training when I was no older than eight,
in a "school" housed in the same building where I was taken by relatives
when I had flashbacks. I believe it may have been set up, financed, or
both, by the CIA to condition children in controlled alter-states, to
become future assassins. 5 In special rooms in the middle of the same

Basic Programming


building, we were also forcibly exposed to radiation and more. Whenever
he was present, Dr. Black seemed to be in charge of those forms of exper-

We slept in that middle section of the building until our training was
complete. This seemed to take place in the summer because we wore
warm-weather clothes. Mostly brick, two-story houses with slanted roofs
were in a row across the road from the facility. The facility itself was tan
or red brick on the outside, with a wide, mustard-colored band that
seemed to have been painted around the perimeter of the recessed, upper
external wall atop the building's otherwise flat roof.

I was taken there at least twice by my parents in the summertime for
special training. Although my parents indicated they knew what was
being done to me there, I do not know if all of the other parents were
aware that their children were being traumatized. I believe the teachers
and trainers were, in part, sifting through the groups of children to deter-
mine which ones would be likely candidates for future ops.

One of the most upsetting things they made us do there was to use
sharp knives to gut teddy bears they had given us, in a big shower room
in the back, left side of the building. (Sections of the building were given
alphabetical codes-A, B, C, and so on.) The teachers also used modeling
clay to fashion life-sized heads with faces, then taught us how to assault
the faces with our fingers and hands-especially gouging the eyeholes.

More benign classrooms were in the front part of the building, where
relatives brought the children and picked them up. Those adults may not
have been aware of what went on in other parts of the building. During
our classes in the front rooms, we were taught various subjects, includ-
ing how to conduct ourselves at social events. One time, some of the girls
and boys were taught how to behave during a mock tea party.

This is the first of several facilities I've had memories of having been
taken to, as a child, to be programmed and trained for future use by-
I believe-the CIA and some of its affiliates.



Wizard of Oz

Dad, Dr. Black, and other mental programmers often used movie and
storybook themes and characters to create alter-states and systems of
alter- states in the minds of their child victims. The Wizard of Oz was



known among programmers as the "base program" movie for child victims
in my generation.

Each year, Dad forced me to watch the movie on television, even
though I cried and begged him not to make me. This was before the VCR
was invented. The Wicked Witch of the West and her monkey soldiers
always frightened me, as did the tornado that lifted and carried Dorothy
in her house from Kansas to the Land of Oz.

Later, Dad hypnotically imprinted the identities and personalities of
several of the movie's characters onto a succession of blank slate alter-
states that he'd created through unusually severe torture. Several of these
alter-states were later used on black ops.

One was given the name, scarecrow. This part of my fragmented mind
was hypnotically conditioned to believe he had "no brain," and therefore
was completely obedient and suggestible to whoever triggered him out.

My cowardly lion alter- state compartmentalized much of my fear, and
never emerged outside of handlers' control. Keeping my fear separated
was crucial on ops because otherwise, I might have hesitated or frozen
instead of thinking and acting quickly.

The alter-state that Dad and Dr. Black seemed to prize the most was
given the code name, tin man. That male alter-state was created for the
sole purpose of performing assassinations in my adult years. Based on
the movie's character, this part had "no heart" and therefore couldn't
emotionally connect with other humans. (Because this part believed he
was male, he also didn't feel intimidated when he went one-on-one
against larger, muscular males.)

My Wizard of Oz programmed alter-states were also conditioned to
believe that Washington, DC was Emerald City.

In the movie, the tornado transported Dorothy away from her
homeland, Kansas-which represented my normal home life. The phrase
"over the rainbow" was used to mentally "transport" me from my normal
life to the ops world, with the symbolic rainbow hypnotically bridging

When I was an adult, I unconsciously identified my Wizard of Oz pro-
gramming to potential handlers via personal checks with rainbows printed
on them, and a rainbow sticker I had placed in my car's back window.

Dad also reinforced the programming by giving me, as a birthday pres-
ent, a large, faceted Australian crystal that he told me to hang inside a win-
dow at home. Whenever the sun shone through it, many tiny "rainbows"

Basic Programming


moved back and forth on the opposite wall. (I also hung a crystal from my
car's rear-view mirror.)

In the movie, Dorothy was told to click her ruby slippers and chant,
"There's no place like home," to go back to Kansas. When a handler took
me home and parked in front of my residence, he or she said that same
phrase. As I heard the words, I mentally clicked my ruby shoes and
switched back to my home alter-state. Believing that I'd been given a ride
home by a coworker, I exited the car and walked into my residence.
I'd already been conditioned to never look back at the car to see who was

Although the Wizard of Oz was the primary movie that was used to pro-
gram my mind, Lewis Carroll's books, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland
and Through the Looking Glass, were also effective. Unique themes and
phrases from the books and the subsequent Disney movie, Alice in
Wonderland, were used to transport me mentally from my normal world
into "Alice's World," where nothing was ever as it seemed, and insanity
was always just around the corner. Anyone who knew that I had this
particular mental programming could approach me in public, claiming to
be the White Rabbit. Then, by saying "I'm late, I'm late," the handler-
usually male-knew that I'd go into an immediate trance and follow him. 6





"Otherworld" was another hypnotically implanted mental program
that was used to convince many of my alter- states that when they
emerged in strange places with spook handlers, they had been trans-
ported from my home life into another space-time dimension. This belief
discouraged those alter-states from trying to find out where they were,
and made them feel hopeless about trying to find a way back home. 7

In "otherworld," nothing was real, and nothing had to reconcile with
my regular world. Such knowledge kept me from being afraid. When
I was in "otherworld," I believed I was safe from pain and mortal danger,
because the programmer told me that no one ever was hurt or died in
"otherworld"-after all, no one in it was real - including me!

An extra benefit to my handlers from this particular mental program
was that, because I believed nothing in that world was real, I had zero
fear of carrying out instructions on black ops. This was because I didn't



fear being hurt or killed, and because I had no fear of being arrested-after
all, the crime had never happened! This was probably the closest I ever
came to experiencing what the mind of a sociopath must be like.



Greek Alphabet

When I became an adult, many of my programmed alter-states were
"owned" or "time-shared" by groups and agencies who utilized my
services. The rank of ownership went like this: first dibs went to a succes-
sion of individuals who held a high office in DC; then came individuals
who allegedly worked within the CIA's Directorate of Operations; then
came wealthy "owners," including a British tycoon and several influential
DC politicians, most of whom had the power to (in some way) cover-up
for some of the CIA's illegal stateside activities and its more questionable
budgetary needs (most of these "owners" were connected to The
Octopus); lastly came "lower level" covert associates such as occultists,
pornographers, pedophiles, Nazis, and Mob members-they used me to do
stateside activities.

This time-share plan was necessary because I only had one body.
Those who personally "owned" some of my alter-states had to agree to
wait their turn to use me. For this reason, some owners either purchased,
or were given (for bartered favors), access to similarly programmed alter-
states created in a number of adult slaves. This is why a surprising
number of mind-control survivors reportedly had the same owners, and
it is also why many of them have discovered alter-states having the same
programming and code names.

To the best of my knowledge, Dad was put in charge of arranging my
schedule and negotiating with those who used me.

Having access to a personal slave gave some of my owners a sense
of power, prestige, and control that they might not have otherwise
experienced. They were confident I would not be able to remember who
had instructed me to perform the crimes, or how I got into each situation.
They knew I would do both the crime and the time if arrested, while
they'd remain free to use other disposable, amnesic slaves at their beck
and call.

I'm grateful that I was not caught doing their dirty work. If I'd been
put in prison for what I'd had no choice about doing, I never would have

Basic Programming


received the professional help that I desperately needed, to remember
and heal! 8

Daniel Ryder was one of the first authors I told about my CIA mental pro-
gramming. He verified that the code-names of several systems of alter-states
I had listed in 1991 were later mentioned by Dr. D. Cory don Hammond, a
psychiatrist, at a professional conference in the summer of 1992. At that
conference, Dr. Hammond described the CIA's Greek alphabet coded sys-
tems of implanted alter-states, based on information he had received from a
remarkable number of recovering mind-control survivors and their thera-
pists. 9 (I have never talked to or consulted with Dr. Hammond.)

To the best of my understanding, my Alpha alter-states compartmen-
talized memories of my primary traumas. Dad created them first, and
then traumatized each of them to create more fragmented alter-states as
parts of my "chain programming." My Alpha system included personal-
ity fragments (information storage parts) that compartmentalized what
were code-named mind files. To the best of my understanding, these parts
of my brain stored information that was hypnotically implanted by
several individuals operating at high levels in our government, to be
retrieved by them as needed. This ensured that no paper trail would be
left behind. 10

Several of my Alpha-programmed alter-states also couriered verbal
messages, diamonds, Krugerrands, illegal drugs, and arms. Unfortunately,
some of these parts were also used to transport child slaves to several D.C.
politicians who are probably still hard-core pedophiles. 11

My Beta alter-states were sexually conditioned and trained. Some
programmers referred to them as Barbie parts. Handlers used them in
prostitution and pornography-particularly bestiality, kiddy porn, snuff
films, and necrophilia. When I was a child, several of my Beta alter-states
were used to sexually blackmail drugged or inebriated politicians. In my
adult years, my Beta alter-states were used to sexually service and black-
mail both men and women.

My Delta alter-states were trained to do covert operations. Although
these alter-states often performed assassinations, they also participated in
hostage interventions, protection of individuals who were in danger of
being assassinated, body-guarding of politicians and other VIPs, and the
training of future slave-operatives.

My Theta alter-states received specialized psychic training. Children
like me were chosen for this training because, as abuse victims, we were



highly sensitized to the moods and thoughts of others-especially of our
abusers. 12

I am convinced that certain individuals working within or contracted
by the CIA were aware of the trauma-paranormal link long before most
mental health professionals "discovered" it. 13 I believe the ongoing sup-
pression of this information and the clever demonizing of these human
abilities has occurred because the CIA, and other intelligence agencies
that have also funded psychic research, have a vested interest in keeping
the knowledge away from the public domain.

I've had recurring memories of receiving part of my childhood Theta
training from James Jesus Angleton, a CIA counter-intelligence chief.
Perhaps because he knew I attended a Christian church every week, he
used New Testament scriptures to teach me to expand my consciousness.

He started my mental training by reminding me that Jesus Christ had
said that anything He had done, we could do more so-with our minds.
Angleton then taught me that the biggest block for people in accessing
and utilizing their natural psychic abilities was their belief that they
could not, or must not, do it. He taught me that if I chose to bypass that
mental block, I could do anything I wanted with my mental energy, even
telepathically moving a mountain, as long as I believed that I could.

To the best of my memory, Angleton worked intensively with me,
one-on-one, conditioning my mind to process problems and experiences
away from rigid societal rules and mores. He said this would always be
my ultimate edge: while my adversaries would respond in ways in which
they'd been socially conditioned, I'd use unexpected methods and
weapons to attack and defend (e.g., using a concrete floor, a tiny, sharp
stone, or a pen as a lethal weapon).

Sometimes he gave me a deck of cards and watched as I played
solitaire. When I laid the king card down first, then the queen and jack,
he asked, "Why not put the two on top of the king, then an ace? You can
put the cards down any way you want." If we played checkers or chess,
he made similar statements.

He said the human brain has potential that we haven't even begun to
tap into. He encouraged me to use as much of it as possible. 14

Other mental programmers further conditioned my Theta alter- states
to believe they could read the minds of other people, communicate with
some of them telepathically, and perform what is commonly known as
remote viewing. Some of this training may have been successful. 15

Basic Programming


My limited experience with remote viewing involved sitting in a room
while being observed through a two-way mirror. I was taught to send out
my mental energy like a radio signal, to contact the mind of a person in
another location. I was taught to assess that person's physical health and
to see their environment through their eyes. I do not know, to this day, if
it was my imagination or if I really "saw" what was occurring in the other
person's life. At that time, however, I believed the ability was real.

I was also taught to place my palms on another person's body and
channel the energy from my body into the person's body, or to draw out
the person's pain or illness. 16

When I was an adult, my Theta capabilities were fine-tuned as I served
as an intercessor and prayer warrior in several Christian churches. If
these abilities are legitimate, then I do not believe they are anything other
than human. I do, however, believe they could be considered part of the
forbidden fruit mentioned in the book of Genesis, since a person using
them might feel godlike. I choose not to use my Theta training any-
more-not out of fear of demons, but because I simply want to respect the
mental, emotional and physical boundaries of others.

My Omicron alter- states were handled by Mafia individuals when
alleged CIA employees from the Directorate of Operations wanted
stateside hits performed. I will neither divulge details of those hits, nor
will I identify any of the individuals who handled me within the Mafia.
They are extremely dangerous people, and I intend to live a long and
healthy life.


1. According to a Western Electric website at
-rhodyman/rdgworks.html, WE personnel in Reading, PA performed classified
work for the US government, even in the early 1950s:

Operations in Reading began when Western Electric converted a
nearby knitting mill in Laureldale into a factory that produced devices
for the US government for use by the military and the space program.

2. When I told a private investigator (a former WE employee) about this building, he
said that it may have been owned by Bell Laboratories. He further explained that
engineers who worked for Western Electric were required to work for six months
in Bell Labs facilities as part of their employment.



3. The CIA had experimented on the minds of its own employees, to create controllable,
amnesic alter-states. In Bluebird, Dr. Colin Ross cited CIA Artichoke documentation
about a "series of cases" in which alter-states were hypnotically created:

A CIA Security Office employee was hypnotized and given a false
identity. She defended it hotly, denying her true name and rationalizing
with conviction the possession of identity cards made out to her real
self. Later, having had the false identity erased by suggestion, she was
asked if she had ever heard of the name she had been defending as her
own five minutes before. She thought, shook her head and said, "That's
a pseudo if I ever heard one." (pg. 33)

4. Carla Emery reported similar mental programming that Pavlov performed on the
minds of dogs:

The breaking point is a physiological event. Abuse causes the ego, the
"I," to shrink, pull back, and weaken until, finally, exhausted, it gives
up. Pavlov named that moment of giving up the ultraparadoxical
stage . . . [William] Sargant argued that anything that causes temporary
cortex overstimulation and collapse has the healing effect of loosening
up old programming patterns, thereby allowing the implant of new
ones . . . Pavlov stressed dogs, through deconditioning, into the ultra-
paradoxical crisis. After the breakdown, he conditioned new habits into
them. Sometimes, he put the dog through the whole routine again:
stressing it into another breakdown, and then retraining into [it] yet
another set of habits, (pg. 426)

5. In Bluebird, Dr. Colin Ross wrote:

Manchurian Candidate [assassin programming] work was done under
MKULTRA Subproject 136, which was approved for funding on
August 23, 1961. The deliberate creation of multiple personality in
children [italics added] is an explicitly stated plan in the MKULTRA
Subproject Proposal submitted for funding on May 30, 1961. TOP
SECRET clearance status for the Principal Investigator on Subproject
136 had been initiated by the Technical Services Division of the CIA
at the time the Subproject was approved, (pg. 61)

6. Although the following links between the CIA and Alice in Wonderland might
seem coincidental, please note that in both articles, this is the only book that was

• "A Tour Through 'Hell Week': A Newsweek correspondent takes the CIA
spy tests," by Douglas Waller 4/12/93: "Much of spying is making sense out
of Byzantine secrets. One personality test has 480 true-false questions: T like
Alice in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll'; T gossip a little at times.'" (pg. 33)

Basic Programming


• AP Washington 4/30/94: "CIA chief plans to fix flaws in scarred agency:
'But I will not espouse the judicial philosophy of the Red Queen and Alice
in Wonderland: sentence first, verdict after,' [James Woolsey] said."

7. A similar program was also installed in my mind by a stocky, brown-haired,
brutal, alleged CIA programmer who used the alias "Spencer." His program was
triggered by the phrase: "Spencer's World."

8. This is the main reason why I and other recovering mind-control survivors feel deep
concern for slave-operatives who are arrested. Most of them are immediately
approached by Company-contracted psychiatrists who pretend to befriend them (as
Patty Hearst, Timothy McVeigh, and Jack Ruby were compromised by Dr. Louis
Jolyon West and others). By being assigned a Company-connected psychiatrist,
slave-operatives have no chance of experiencing true recovery through the help of
legitimate mental health professionals-especially if they are put to death before they
can receive such help.

9. To find an unauthorized transcript of Dr. Hammond's historic presentation on the
Internet, use the words "Greenbaum Speech" as your search term.

10. When I found some of these odd personality fragments, I remembered that when
they were previously activated, they had verbally given the information like ticker
tape coming out of a machine. I seemed to have unconsciously memorized the
information in such a way, that because I recognized that none of it belonged to me,
it was kept totally separated and undisturbed until recalled. One of my dilemmas
upon finding the stored information was: what should I do with it? I decided it will
remain my personal property-after all, it was put in my brain!

11. I delivered verbal messages from US politicians to influential persons in other
countries, and also delivered "messages from God" to mentally programmed
Christians who accepted the orders as coming straight from God. The majority of
these Christians were members of Charismatic, Baptist, and Pentecostal churches.

12. In The Osiris Complex, Dr. Colin Ross wrote:

According to my model and data, speaking analogically, the genes for
dissociation and the paranormal are closely linked to each other on
the same chromosome . . . any extragenetic factor that activates one
tends to activate the other, since they are linked. Severe, chronic child-
hood trauma is one such factor . . . highly psychic individuals tend to
be highly dissociative . . . trauma opens a window to the paranormal,
(pg- 70)

13. Dr. Ross wrote, "Although ESP is a universal aspect of human experience, it has
been suppressed by the intelligentsia in the twentieth century, and is not a subject
of mainstream psychiatric discussion or research." (Osiris, pg. 68)



14. When I first remembered having been trained as a child by Angleton, I thought I
was fabricating these memories. How could I, just a child, have met with such a
busy man? And even if I had, how could he have been connected to MKULTRA,
when he'd overseen counterintelligence? Nearly a decade later, I found information
that explained his connections to MKULTRA:

The ARTICHOKE [pre-MKULTRA] Team must have been under the
command of James Angleton, who was Chief of the CIA
Counterintelligence Staff from December 1954, until 1974. Angleton
was also involved in MKULTRA, as described in an article in the
February 18, 1979 Wilmington Sunday News Journal entitled:
"UD prof helps concoct 'mind control' potions." The article . . . men-
tions Angleton's involvement in MKULTRA. Angleton's name appears
in "a list of all persons who have been briefed on 'Bluebird' [also
pre-MKULTRA]." (Bluebird, pp. 27-28)

Several months later, I received a copy of an article, James Jesus Angleton & the
Kennedy Assassination. Its author, Lisa Pease, explained one of Angleton's
connections to Nazi war criminals, some of whom may have taught mind-control
techniques to Angleton and other CIA personnel:

. . . Angleton obtained access to the Ratlines the Vatican was using to
move people out of Europe to safety abroad. Angleton and others from
the State Department used the Ratlines to ferry Nazis to South
America, (pg. 19)

15. In the early 90s, Keith Harary wrote a surprisingly honest article, "Selling the Mind
Short: Exposing the Myth of Psychic Privilege," for Omni magazine. In it, he
exposed the fallacies of several myths about "psychic" powers and abilities:

Disseminating propaganda requires subverting rational thinking with
seemingly plausible lies. I was a teenager when I first believed the lie
that there was something about me or anybody else that could properly
be labeled "psychic." A part of me felt sick when the label was used on
me-the way I felt when I smoked my first cigarette. There was some-
thing compelling and forbidden about the experience, and something
I also knew could eventually do me in down the line . . . the authority
figures who sold me the bill of goods were parapsychologists at one of
the field's major laboratories, who used the label "psychic" to explain
my performance in a parapsychology experiment. That the mind is
capable of remarkable feats is undeniable. Exploring the implications
of this realization does not require resorting to extremes. It should
encourage us to create a middle ground-one that defines human poten-
tial in human terms. If a higher perceptual, communicative, and think-
ing capability exists with us, then it cannot be destined to remain
anomalous or denied by rational people or consigned to the realm of

Basic Programming


the psychic and paranormal. It must be understood within the context
of normal experience and achievable human potential and considered
within the emerging framework of mainstream science, (pg. 6)

16. Frank Herbert's story, Dune and its subsequent movies were used by mental
programmers to reinforce my belief in my ability to transfer my energy to other




House of Horrors

Richard Rhodes has written a fascinating book, Why They Kill: The
Discoveries of a Maverick Criminologist, that presents the personal story
of Lonnie Athens, a criminologist who specializes in the study of violent
criminals. According to Athens, "dangerous violent killers" first must
pass through "four separate stages of violentization": brutalization,
belligerency, violent performances, and virulency.

Athens divided the process of the first stage, brutalization, into three
sub-stages: "violent subjugation, personal horrification, and violent
coaching." During violent subjugation, "authority figures from one of the
subject's primary groups use violence or force [the victim] to submit to
their authority." In the second sub-stage of brutalization, "personal
horrification," the victim witnesses the violent subjugation of someone
emotionally close to them. Finally, during "violent coaching," the victim
is coached by a person in their primary group to perform violent acts,
(pp. 112-120)

Unfortunately, I experienced all three sub-stages of brutalization in my
father's occult rituals; my father was my personal coach.

Although Athens considers horrification to be the experience of
witnessing brutal harm being done to others, I consider horrification to
be more than that. In my opinion, it is a mind-bending experience that
involves either witnessing harm done to others, or being harmed
ourselves, by individuals or groups that either use horrific methods or
perform the harmful acts within horrific environments.

I believe horrification is the primary emotional response of victims who
are forced to participate in criminal, occult rituals-particularly children.
During such rituals, both the methods used (e.g., intimidation, threats,
torture, rape, ingestion of repulsive substances, mock or real killings of
animals or humans) and the environments in which the rituals are per-
formed (physical location, robed participants, candles, chants, frightening
animals, ritual implements and symbols, and more) can easily horrify,
scar, and even split the minds of child victims. 1




During my childhood, Dad and several other cult members took me to
numerous buildings and homes in the Reading area. One of the ritual
locations was a large stone building on the side of what locals called
Schuylkill Mountain, just outside the city of Reading. More than once,
Dad ritually traumatized me in its underground dungeon. 2

I have also vividly recalled that Dad made me crawl on my hands and
knees into a large crawl space under a stone building, probably on the
same mountain. The entrance into the ground-level crawl space was
sealed by a square, flat-surfaced, hewn granite block that had been
placed in the wall. Words were engraved on it. Behind the wall were bags
full of the remains of many dead babies.

Dad made me lie atop the bags in the daytime while he met with
men inside the building. As I lay perfectly still, I became one with the
sweetly innocent dead. I felt safe because I believed no adult would want
to crawl inside to hurt me. I desensitized to the pungent odor and became
friends with it. This was a sad bonus when, as an adult, I was used to do
body disposals. I can still easily differentiate between the odor of a dead
animal and a human, because a decomposing human corpse smells
sickeningly sweet.




Dad didn't limit his criminal activities to secretive rituals, rape, and
pornography. Even outside the rituals, I saw more horror than any child
should. He knew if he took me with him to commit crimes, nobody
would believe he was responsible. He occasionally burned houses and
other buildings at night, sometimes with people still in them. To this day,
I detest the odor of gasoline.

He always seemed fascinated with fire. In the late 1960s, after our
family moved to Georgia Dad set fire several times to a large wooded
area near our house. Then he stood and watched excitedly as a fire truck
came, its siren blaring. Each time, he claimed local teenagers had set the
fire and acted like a hero as he helped the firemen put out the blaze.

When committing arson at night, Dad's prepared excuse for being in
the locale was that I'd had a nightmare, and therefore he'd taken me for
a walk or a drive. If he didn't commit the crime too late at night, he then
took me to an ice cream parlor and bought me a butterscotch sundae.



The smell and taste of the delicious sundae blocked out the smell and
taste of gasoline and smoke. By the time he took me home, all I could
remember was the ice cream.

In the summer, after he'd performed a nighttime arson job, he
sometimes searched fence lines for honeysuckle vines and encouraged
me to inhale the blossoms' fragrance and suck on their nectar. This also
blocked out previous smells and their attached memories. When we
returned home, all I remembered was the blossoms' lovely fragrance.




Although he tried, Dad couldn't stop my repressed memories from seep-
ing through into my dreams. I've never forgotten that most nights during
my childhood, I awoke with a pounding heart and sweat-soaked sheets.
Many times, my pillow was inexplicably soaked with tears. The bad
dreams were so terrifying, I feared they would eventually kill me.

What I didn't remember during the day became my nemesis in the
dark. I tried to avoid night terrors and dreams by reading books until
I couldn't keep my eyes open. I cannot remember a single night that I did
not have nightmares. I naively believed that everyone must have them
as much as I did.

On at least two occasions, I woke up downstairs, standing alone in my
nightgown. I had no memory of having walked down the stairs.
Frightened, I screamed for my parents. Each time, Dad came and told me
I had been sleepwalking, then carried me back up the creaking wooden
stairs to my bedroom. Because I didn't understand what caused my
sleepwalking, I felt embarrassed that I'd caused such a fuss.



Perpetrator Alter-States

I continued to compartmentalize unpleasant memories in alter-states,
keeping them separate from my consciousness. I unconsciously fashioned
some of them after the perceived personalities of adult criminals like my
father. These parts were sociopathic, emotionally cold, and deadly. 3 Dad and
other programmers called them "blank slate" alter-states, because they had
zero memory of my life at home, church, or school. Having been created



through extreme torture and mental duress, these parts initially emerged
with only the most basic memories of how to dress, breathe, eat, walk, use
the bathroom, and so on.

Because of their insane lust for ego gratification, my father and his
cohorts seemed especially pleased to create alter-states that worshipped
the ground they walked on. When I was an adult, these alter-states were
used to perform crimes-always under the control of professional
handler s-that I could not, and would not, have carried out under any
other circumstances. Why is this?

For whatever reason, I was born with a naturally soft and caring heart.
As a child, I cried and begged my oldest brother to stop when he pulled
wings off of flies in the basement window as he laughed at them, or used
the sun's rays through a magnifying glass to burn grasshoppers to death
on big rocks.

I couldn't stand to see anyone, or anything, being hurt-and I especially
would not allow myself to hurt them. Because of this, Dad and his
associates used extreme torture and related trauma to break my mind and
then create the blank slate alter-states that had no awareness of time other
than the moments in which they existed. 4

These alter-states were then conditioned to harm others without balk-
ing. I guess it takes a monster to create one.


1 . In psychology classes, I learned that some of the early indicators of the development
of anti-social personality disorder are: setting fires, cruelty to animals, property
destruction, and an inability to emotionally attach to others. Antisocial personality
disorder and criminal occultism may be directly linked, because such rituals often
include fire and inhumanely sadistic acts perpetrated against animals, children, and
even adults.

2. A correspondent who lived in Pennsylvania heard about my desire to find that
building. In July, 1998 she sent me a pamphlet and photos of Stokesay Castle, a
mansion that had been converted into a popular restaurant. The stone castle was
located at Hill Road and Spook Lane, within walking distance of Reiffton. In an
E-mail, she wrote:

There is a restaurant halfway up Schuylkill Mt. It's called Stokesay
Castle. Before I ventured in there, I asked a waiter who was outside,
how long it'd been a restaurant. He said 20 years. I went inside and



asked permission to look around and sure enough, there was your
dungeon . . . Upon reading a pamphlet of theirs, I found that the castle
was . . . kept as a summer home until 1956 when [the owner] sold it to
"a group of individuals" who converted it into a restaurant.

Carla Emery wrote about eighteen "techniques of criminal hypnosis," as compiled
by Paul Campbell Young. Young's "Technique #17" may explain why blank slate
alter-states take on the perceived personas of perpetrators:

Assumption of Another's Identity — Young cited M. H. Erickson's
"experiments on transidentification" for this item. The hypnotic sub-
ject unconsciously incorporates wishes and attitudes of the hypnotist,
like a child incorporates parental rules and views. Just as each adult has
attitudes absorbed in childhood from their parents still influencing
them, so each hypnotic subject acquires unconscious parameters and a
role model from the hypnotist too. (pg. 353)

"It is a fact that memory becomes disoriented under hostile interrogation and that
torturers aim at deliberately confusing recall. It is the torturer who not only deter-
mines real units of time under torture but who also damages historical orientation.
The unit of time for torture remembered under intense emotions becomes stretched
out and thus distorted. In the brain, fear of annihilation leads to a slowdown in the
experience of time-similar to the impact of hallucinogens-that changes the synchro-
nization between time as it is lived out and calendar time." (Graessner et al., pg. 192)




Junior High

As my trauma-based programming continued, I blocked out all memory
of it so I could continue to cope with my "normal" life activities and

During my seventh and eighth grades, I attended Exeter Township
Junior High School, less than a mile from home. There, I felt more
secure. It was especially nice not to have to suffer any more mental and
emotional abuse from the snobbish girls' clique at the middle school.

Dad insisted I play the French horn in the junior high school band. The
heavy brass instrument was difficult to carry back and forth to school, and
draining spittle from it certainly wasn't feminine. Still, I did what Dad
wanted. As I played it, I noticed that my lungs' air capacity increased.

In the summer months, my brothers and I competed at the membership
swimming pool to see how long we could remain underwater. I usually
won, because I was able to do more than two minutes without great

I believe I was obsessed with swimming long distances and holding
my breath underwater, because I was unconsciously conditioning myself
to survive drownings. As part of Dad's ongoing near-death trauma regi-
men, he would drown and then resuscitate me, creating even more alter-
states that he had complete power over. I think it gave him the ultimate
sense of power over me-"killing" me, then bringing me back from the
dead. 1

Dad arranged for a professional French horn player, Al Antonnuci, to
be my tutor. I studied with the bearded man at night, once a week, in an
old, multi-story building in Reading. After each session, I listened as
Mr. Antonnuci played his shiny silver horn. The notes were so pure,
I sometimes wept with joy.

At the new school, I emotionally bonded with a married German
couple who taught classes in separate rooms on the second floor. The
dark-haired husband was our science teacher. He kept a large black
snake in an aquarium in his classroom's front wall. We often watched in




fascination as the mounds of white mice slowly moved along the length
of the snake's body.

I took two years of German from his gentle, tall, brunette wife.
Although I spoke German fairly well at the time, I now remember little
of the language, because of the horror of having been tortured and raped
by German- speaking men. They made the language repugnant to me.




In the summer of 1969, Dad transferred to Western Electric's plant in
Baltimore, Maryland for a one-year assignment. We moved into a newly
built, two-story house on Saxon Hill Drive in a recently developed
subdivision not far from the town of Cockeysville.

Each morning, Dad woke my brothers and me up at 5:30, even in the
middle of winter, to run up our steep street, then out into the countryside
and back, for a total of three miles. Sometimes he made me run up a
steeper dirt hill behind our row of homes.

Although running up the dirt hill made my calves burn like molten
steel, I felt exhilarated as I reached the top. I'd finally found my runner's
high. I've since learned that running increases the amount of Cortisol in
the brain, which probably helped me to fight off depression. 2

Running with Dad was unpleasant. He insisted that I keep pace with
him. Because he was a foot taller, it was impossible to match his long,
loping strides. I cried when he wouldn't slow down. He usually stopped
and waited as I cried, yelling at me or doubling back behind me and then
hitting me on my back or buttocks, knocking me to the ground. When he
did that, I cried so hard that I panicked and couldn't breathe. My pound-
ing heart felt like it would burst. Each time, he looked at me with disgust
and ran home, leaving me crumpled on the ground. I cried harder, my
heart breaking. I knew I'd never be good enough to please him.



High School

Although I made good grades at our new school in Maryland, I again felt
like an outsider. I met several other girls who also had difficulty socializing.



Although we ate together in the cafeteria, we didn't do much else

That same year, I developed adolescent "crushes" on several boys,
especially a brown-haired, chubby, gentle boy named John. He also
played a brass horn in the school band. He called me "Snaggletooth"
because I'd accidentally broken one of my top front teeth in Pennsylvania
and it had never been repaired. I felt embarrassed about it and rarely
smiled. When John teased me into smiling, his kindness drew me to him.
I felt devastated when I discovered that he had a steady girlfriend. Would
any boy ever want me?

Once a week, Mom took us to the public library. It was a safe place
where nobody hurt me. Still an avid reader, I always took home a stack
of books. The stories took me where nobody could hurt or betray me.
Sometimes, when bad things were done to me, I flew away into the sto-
ries in my mind.

I know that I participated in classes at Cockeysville High School. I have
records to prove it. And yet, I've had numerous memories of exiting our
regular school bus in the morning at the school, then boarding another
yellow bus that took me and other students to several other locations.
Each was a training facility set up like a regular school. Because these
memories are vivid, consistent, and continue to recur, I believe they are
of real locations and people. At these spook schools, the teachers taught
subjects that never would have been allowed in a public school-includ-
ing becoming familiar with holding and handling various types of knives,
handguns, and other lethal weapons.


1. In his web-published memoir, My Father the Serial Killer, Steve Griggs describes
an alarmingly similar pattern of behavior exhibited by his father, who was brought
over from the Lithuanian Death Camps to serve in the United States Army, plausi-
bly as a push-button assassin. A homicidal sadist, Steve's dad developed a taste for
recreational violence on the side, and his children were not only witnesses, but vic-
tims. Steve describes himself and his sister as "a couple of MKULTRA kids who
just wanted to get through the next 24 hours, every day." From My Father the Serial

In 1962, 1 was 10, my sister Dianne was 6, and we lived at Fort Devens,
Massachusetts. I overheard my father tell my mother that he would



drown my sister while she took a bath. I went outside and sat next to
her in the woods and spoke to her.

"If you want to live, you have to practice holding your breath every
minute of every day, even when you are in school, even in the laboratory.
Look at the clock, hold your breath and time yourself. What's going to
happen is this: when you're taking a bath, he's going to come in and
hold you under. You have to be ready with air in your lungs-but don't
let him hear you take it in. At first you have to struggle but stay relaxed
in your mind. Then let some bubbles come out, but not all of it, and let
your body go limp. He'll stand there and look down at you for a while,
so don't move or open your eyes. Nothing! Do you understand?

Dianne shook her head yes, and started holding her breath.

"I don't know exactly what's going to happen after this, but if we can
get this far, there's a good chance that something else will happen to
interfere with their plan because they haven't thought it out this far and
they don't know that we know."

It worked.

The rest of the story of Dianne's drowning may be found along with other excerpts
from My Father the Serial Killer at tales/griggs.

2. The drug-like high of being on dangerous ops may have been due to a similar increase
in Cortisol levels, and may be why I grew addicted to ops. Dr. Zebulon Kendrick,
Ph.D., a kinesiologist at Temple University in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania,

. . . produced by the adrenal glands during stress, Cortisol rises during
intense bouts of exercise and, unlike endorphins, crosses the blood-brain
barrier. Cortisol has an anti-inflammatory and analgesic effect and
dampens or hides pain and can give you a general feeling of well-being.
(Ladies' Home Journal, February 2003, pg. 118)



Georgia Rebellion


The following summer, Western Electric transferred Dad to an
engineering position at its new cable factory in Norcross, Georgia.
A growing industrial suburb, Norcross was a half-hour drive north of
Atlanta. To anyone who would listen, Dad bragged that he'd been cho-
sen to create the plant's new cable reel yard. I felt proud of him, and was
glad that he was happy. 1

Although I was disappointed that Atlanta was nowhere near the
Atlantic Ocean, the big city was surprisingly clean and modern. The sky
above it was startlingly blue, and the clouds seemed so huge and white
that I fantasized I could reach up and touch them.

Our new, two-story, red brick house was built on Club Drive in
Snellville, a tiny rural town about a half-hour from Norcross. The woods
behind our home overlooked the town. With its white columns, our house
looked like a Georgian mansion. It was built on the highest property in
the area. Mom said that Dad liked the idea of looking down on everyone
else; I think she was right.

The hill behind our row of houses was covered with tall pine trees. Their
branches didn't start growing until about two- thirds of the way up the
trunks. This was a problem, because in the winter during ice storms, some
of the tops of the trees bent all the way down to the ground, their trunks
snapping like huge twigs from the weight of the ice that coated the long
needles. Still, the ice storms were spectacular. When the sun shone on an
entire landscape coated with ice, the sheer beauty took my breath away.

Mom was hired as a secretary at the WE. Norcross plant, so my brothers
and I were left unsupervised at home after school and during the summer.
In warm weather, we spent a lot of time at our subdivision's swimming
pool. I felt peaceful as I lay on my back on the concrete, sunning and
listening to the lapping, chlorinated water and the rock music from my
portable radio.

Since my body was beginning to develop, I was embarrassed to let
boys see me in a swimsuit. Mom told me they would only want me for




one thing: my big breasts. Terrified, I stayed away from the boys as much
as possible.

Dad also made nasty comments about my developing body, and
weighed me on the bathroom scale at least once a week. Whenever I
gained a pound, he accused me of not adhering to a diet that he'd created
for me. Because I dieted faithfully, his accusations made me feel crazy.



Acting Out

Since we'd moved far away from our childhood family, Dad seemed freer
to do whatever he wanted to us, while continuing to present himself to the
outside world as a perfect father of a perfect family. As in Pennsylvania,
Dad was active in church and several civic organizations. Again he went
to an extreme to prove he wasn't a racist. This time, he intervened on
behalf of a Puerto Rican neighbor who was being harassed by an elderly
racist neighbor who drove through his manicured front yard, leaving
deep ruts in it. Dad personally confronted the elderly man and ensured
that from then on, the Puerto Rican man and his family would be treated
with respect.

At the same time, Dad took me to Aryan meetings and occult rituals in
Gwinnett County and in several other parts of northern Georgia. His
shifts in behavior from one extreme to the other was one of the reasons
I continued to be unaware of his darker side. I naturally preferred to
know my father as a champion of the proverbial underdog instead of a
dangerous racist.

Although Dad still terrorized me in rituals, I followed Mom's example at
home by becoming more rebellious towards him. Then they started fighting
openly, yelling and hitting each other. I soon spiraled into depression.

Within a short time, an unexpected source of relief entered my life.
Tom, our teenaged lifeguard, was funny and cute. At first I hoped that
he'd want me to be his girlfriend. I quickly noticed that many other girls
also wanted to be with him. Ashamed of my developing body, I didn't
think I could compete against them for his affections. Instead, I resigned
myself to becoming a friend.

One hot summer day, while the afternoon rain pummeled the red clay
dirt outside the fenced pool area, I found Tom and another teenaged
boy huddled inside the pool's pump house. At first, I didn't understand

Georgia Rebellion


what they were doing — smoking a joint of marijuana. Tom said I could
try it, if I didn't tell anyone. I coughed when the harsh smoke burned my
throat. After the rain stopped, we walked outside to the pool and sat on a
roofed, wooden picnic table. As Tom played his twelve-string guitar,
I was fascinated by the beauty of the chords. I couldn't stop laughing and
smiling-I felt so wonderful!

When I returned to school the following fall, other students hooked me
up with local drug dealers. Soon, I was smoking marijuana nearly every
day. When I wasn't high, depression hit hard, leaving me lost and hope-
less. Because all of my new friends were drag users, we shared whatever
we could find with each other. And yet, because of all the horror stories
I'd heard about hard drugs like heroin, I was careful only to take what
I knew I couldn't get hooked on. To supplement my newly rebellious
lifestyle, I also started smoking about two packs of cigarettes a day.

One reason why I preferred marijuana to alcohol was that my parents
could easily recognize the smell of liquor. The only sure signs of my drug
use were enlarged pupils, inappropriate emotional affect, and the munchies.

For a teenaged girl already suffering from compulsive overeating and
low self-esteem, the munchies were an aftereffect from hell. Whenever
my friends and I came down from our drug-induced high, we raided the
local convenience store. Bags of Fritos and Doritos, Three Musketeer
candy bars, and beef jerky satisfied our enormous cravings. When I was
stoned, I didn't care if I ingested huge quantities of calories.

On the days when I couldn't find any marijuana, depression hit me
over the head like an iron skillet. I was so desperate, I tried anything,
including inhaling sulfuric fumes from lit matches.




As a newcomer to the South, I quickly learned that rules of conduct were
drastically different from those in Pennsylvania and Maryland. Many of
the students teased me about how I talked like a Yankee. I retaliated by
calling them rednecks. Some of the boys affectionately called me "Socks,"
insisting that I must have stuffed my bra. Although I feared getting close
to them, I did feel drawn to those who were emotionally troubled.

Several times, I mistook a young man's sexual advances for love.
Because the thought of intercourse terrified me, I did everything I could



to avoid it. And because I still blocked out all memory of having been
sexually abused, I believed I was a virgin.

The first time I did have sex, I was disappointed by the lack of sensation.
I was also concerned because I didn't bleed when penetrated. What had
happened to the "cherry" everyone joked about?

Mom had recently purchased a paperback book, Everything You Want
to Know About Sex But Are Afraid To Ask. She hid it in a small drawer
beside her bed. Because my parents never discussed sex or birth control
with me, this book was the extent of my official sex education.

Some of the teenaged drug users called themselves "freaks." They
taught me how to rebel against authority figures. We called policemen
"pigs" and oinked at them when they drove by in their patrol cars.

Feeling increasingly rebellious, I dressed outrageously to embarrass
Dad-although never in his presence. Sometimes I secretly borrowed
Mom's too-short skirts and dresses that she wore to work, and enjoyed
wolf whistles from construction workers who were building new
homes in our neighborhood. I also wore leather moccasins instead
of shoes.

Because a local double standard permitted teenaged boys but not girls
to smoke, I smoked cigarettes while walking beside the main road to and
from the high school each day. Sometimes I took the tobacco out of my
cigarette and smoked the marijuana in full view of passing cars. I didn't
understand that I was unconsciously trying to draw attention to what was
wrong in our home.

At sixteen, I wore blue jeans nearly every day. I even wore them to
our Methodist church's Sunday night services, which was considered
scandalous. That pleased me immensely. By then, most of the adults in
our church had stopped asking me to baby-sit their children. Only one
person seemed to see past my rebellious facade.



Pastor Hodges

Since a Lutheran church wasn't nearby, we'd joined the local
Methodist church. Our pastor, Judson "Judd" Hodges, was a marvelous,
black-haired mountain of a man. He became my saving grace during
those dark teenaged years. Since he was taller and wider than Dad,
I wasn't afraid to tell him about the constant fighting in our home.

Georgia Rebellion


The church was just off the main road between our wooded property
and the high school, so I passed it every day as I walked to school and
back. On many afternoons, I visited with Pastor Hodges either in his study
in the church or in the living room of the next-door, red brick, one-story
parsonage-when his gracious wife, Betty, was there. Pastor Hodges' con-
sistent appropriate behavior meant the world to me. With him, I always
felt safe.

When I wasn't numbed by drugs, I was in great emotional pain.
During each visit to his office, Pastor Hodges sat quietly as I cried and
talked about how miserable I was at home. He didn't try to shut me down
and he didn't ask questions that I couldn't answer.

Instead of being judgmental, he gently tried to help me understand that
my new friends at school weren't really friends at all. He knew most of
them, and warned me that they were using me. He said they would drag
me down with them. I wasn't ready to admit he was right-I still needed
drugs to survive.

Pastor Hodges didn't try to preach down to me; instead, he met me where
I was at. He didn't argue when I told him I couldn't stand going to Sunday
morning church services "because of the hypocrites" (really, my parents).
Instead, he invited me to use that hour to read Christian books that he'd
placed on a set of wooden bookshelves in another part of the church. Instead
of judging and chastising me, he helped me to feel loved and accepted.

Pastor Hodges wasn't just there for me. He was also supportive of
my mother as she struggled to break free from Dad's brutal control. When
she decided to have a medical procedure that would ensure she'd have no
more children, Dad was furious and refused to drive her to the clinic.
Having no one to turn to, she drove there herself. After the surgery, she
was in so much pain, she couldn't drive. When Dad refused to come get
her, she called Pastor Hodges, who transported her home. Dad hated the
pastor after that, and never forgave him for "interfering" in their marriage.



Exercise Regimen

Still despising my developing body, Dad created a new exercise regimen.
First, he cleared dirt paths in the woods behind our house by removing
some of the pine trees. Then, at 5:15 each morning, he ordered me to
get out of bed, get dressed, ran down the steep path behind our house,



then across the bottom of the woods and then back up to the top. My lungs
burned and I cried from the pain in my calves, chest, and sides. At first he
ran ahead of me, demanding that I keep up with him. Then he stood at the
top of the hill and timed me with his stopwatch. Finally, he let me run with
our family's dog, a half-collie/half- German shepherd he'd named Lassie.
I preferred her company to his.

If the ground was muddy, I learned not to slide. I constantly watched
for exposed tree roots and leaped over felled trees that blocked the paths.
My calf muscles burned like fire every time I ran up the steep hill. When
I sobbed from the pain and my inability to breathe, he ordered me to run
the entire trail again. Pity wasn't a part of Dad's vocabulary.

He purchased a work-out bench and barbells, and trained my brothers
and me to lift them in our big basement. He also made me exercise on a
mat, where he sexually assaulted me when the rest of our family was
either busy upstairs or away from the house. Even the way he approached
sex with me had changed. Unlike the past, when he'd often convinced me
that he loved me as he raped me, he now did it brutally. It was almost as
if he hated the woman I was becoming.

One Saturday afternoon, as I did a set of sit-ups on the mat in the base-
ment, the door to the upstairs kitchen was open. I heard Dad and Mom
arguing loudly in the kitchen. Mom criticized Dad for being so strict with
me. I wept bitterly when I heard Dad yell, "Kathy looks like a baby
elephant!" I finally realized I could do nothing to make him satisfied with
my body.




At home, Dad's physical abuse of Mom escalated. He beat and raped
her so forcibly at night, I could hear her head banging against their head-
board as she screamed, "Bill, don't! Bill, please stop!" I clenched my
fists and cried myself to sleep, holding my pillow over my head, frus-
trated that I couldn't save her and angry that she didn't leave him. (In a
deposition in 1989, Dad admitted he had beaten Mom, although he tried
to convince the lawyers that he'd only done it two or three times.)

Mom started taking Valium, and later told me she visualized a bubble
around her that made Dad's cruel words bounce back at him as she
smiled at him. She lost so much weight, she looked like a prisoner of

Georgia Rebellion


war-I suppose in her own way, she was. Fortunately for her, the women's
liberation movement was now in full force. Whenever we went out to eat
at a truck stop in Norcross, Mom put a dime in the juke box and played
Helen Reddy's hit song, I Am Woman. Dad fumed quietly as it played,
while Mom smiled triumphantly at him. When we returned home,
Dad usually beat her again, but she kept playing the song in restaurants
and smiling.




I experimented with LSD three times, by choice. The first pill was a dud.
The second time, I felt an almost uncontrollable urge to grab pruning
shears from my younger brother's hands and stab him in the stomach with
them. Frightened, I ran to an excavated area beside our subdivision's main
entrance. I sat alone for hours and enjoyed watching Egyptian hieroglyph-
ics that wavered and moved in the dirt until the acid wore off.

The third time I took LSD, I saw lines of tiny, colorful, Mickey Mouse
cartoon characters move like miniature traffic grids on the dirt and trees
behind our house. Each time they moved, they clicked. When the hallu-
cinations wouldn't stop, I ran into the kitchen and drank milk to purge
my stomach. The vomiting frightened me, so I drank some of Mom's
refrigerated paregoric. The opium in it seemed to make the hallucinations

I called my closest friend, whose boyfriend was a drug dealer, and
asked them to come take care of me until I came down from the acid trip.
Her boyfriend laughed when I threw up in his car on the way to my
friend's house. Terribly ashamed, I vowed never to take LSD again.



Secret Investigation

As part of my rebellion, I started a sit-in demonstration with Tom's
youngest sister in the corridor outside the office of our high school's
principal. Our large, vocal group demanded that female students, like the
males, be allowed to smoke at school if they brought a signed permission
slip from their parents. Dad didn't tell me that the principal called him at
work that day, to tell him what I'd done.



In 1989, Dad stated that when I was a teenager, he'd been asked to
participate in a secret commission that, he claimed, had been organized
to investigate drug trafficking in Snellville. He said he'd known that I
was taking drugs daily, and had known who was supplying me.

Only once in my teen years did Dad indicate to me that he thought
I might be taking drugs. That day in our living room, he showed me a
magazine article about LSD. He said I should stay away from the drug
because it could damage my brain. Then he walked away, signaling the
end of our one-sided discussion.




Dad still drove us to church every Sunday morning. Regardless of
what went on at home, he wanted us to continue presenting ourselves
as a model, upstanding family. 2 He now taught a Sunday School class
and sang in the adult choir with Mom. I enjoyed singing in the junior
choir. What the church members didn't know was that after church, as
Dad drove us home, Mom yelled at him, calling him a "liar" and a

Sometimes Dad stopped the car in the middle of the road and hit her;
more often, he waited until we were inside the house and then beat her
as she screamed in rage at him. The way they expressed their hatred
towards each other broke my heart.

Mom secretly consulted with a divorce lawyer. He advised her that
in Georgia, unlike in Pennsylvania, if she filed for divorce, she had
the legal right to half the property value of the house and any attached
land. She also learned that if Dad bruised her, she could have him
arrested. After she told Dad what the attorney said, he used football tackles
to push her against the refrigerator and walls with his chest and shoul-
ders, laughing at her helplessness and outrage as he pinned her.
Sometimes he deliberately tripped her and laughed as she fell on the
kitchen floor.

Although I was horrified and feared for her safety, I did nothing. If
Mom couldn't stop him, how could I? Sometimes when they fought,
Mom shouted, "I'm not your squaw!" Dad retorted that he still owned
her and she was his property. I felt confused by his strange words-surely
he knew that men couldn't own their wives!

Georgia Rebellion




Running Away

The stress at home grew unbearable, especially at night and on weekends
when Dad was home. Three times, I ran away from home to escape it.

The first time, I ran as fast as I could through the woods in the late
afternoon, because I was afraid Dad would beat me for something I'd
done at school.

I went to the house of Janie, a young friend from school. Her mother
was the quiet epitome of a true small-town Southern woman. At dinner-
time, the black-haired, dark-eyed woman introduced me to my first full
Southern meal of grainy white corn bread, buttermilk, fried fish, and
home-grown vegetables. After the wonderful meal, she welcomed me to
spend the night in Janie's room. Not wanting to anger my parents, she
called Pastor Hodges, who mediated with Dad to ensure I wouldn't be
hurt when I walked home the next morning.

The second time I ran away, I again went to Janie's house. Her mother
again contacted the pastor, who called my parents. After that, the gentle
woman said that I was welcome to come to their home any time my
parents fought, with the understanding that I had to return home after
they'd had time to cool off. I wished I could live with her family.

The last time I ran away from home, I was afraid of Dad's temper
because I'd quit the school's marching band and its female track team
without his permission. Summoning up my courage, I hitchhiked to the
nearby town of Stone Mountain, then took a bus to Atlanta. Being alone
in the big city was scary. I didn't have enough money to spend the night
in a hotel. What would I do?

A middle-aged, male, Caucasian pimp approached me and invited me
to stay at his place for "just one night." He promised he wouldn't do any-
thing. I followed him into his first-floor apartment and tranced as I stared
out his bedroom window, watching a strong breeze blow through several
big hardwood trees. He quietly walked behind me and caressed my
buttocks. A protector alter- state emerged and screamed at him while run-
ning out of the building. When I was safely away, I reemerged. Not
knowing where I was, I cried. Now what would I do?

I stopped at a tiny "greasy spoon" Huddle House restaurant to buy a
sausage biscuit and soda, then called a classmate to tell her what I'd
done. Although she couldn't help me, I felt better, knowing that she
cared. I decided to keep walking until I could find a safe place to sleep.





Mission Possible

Early that evening, I talked to two young, blond women I encountered
on a city sidewalk. Because they seemed nice, I asked if they knew a safe
place where I could spend the night. One of them pointed to a large,
upright white cross in the yard directly behind us. On it were the words:
Mission Possible. She said she knew the older couple who ran the
mission-they would give me safe shelter.

I was warmly welcomed by the Lands, who said they were Pentecostals.
Mrs. Land said they provided a safe haven for male and female drag
addicts and prostitutes who wanted help. She said she and her husband
occasionally risked their lives to help enslaved prostitutes break free from
their owners.

Mrs. Land asked my permission to call my parents, and said she'd
make sure they wouldn't hurt me. The young female residents, who wore
long dresses and skirts, led me upstairs to their large, shared bedroom.
We stood in a circle and held hands as they prayed together in English
and in tongues. Although their strange babbling frightened me a bit, I felt
at peace and sensed that everything would be all right.

Mrs. Land walked into the room and said she had called Mom, who
agreed to come for me and not harm me.

When Dad picked me up instead, I was frightened, but soon I relaxed-it
was the nicest he'd ever been towards me. First, he drove through
Atlanta's Piedmont Park, where he said hippies took drugs and slept on
the grass. He talked as if they were filthy, and said I might have ended up
there. I made a mental note to stay there if I had to run away again.

To my surprise, Dad offered a compromise: if I would do the best I
could in school, he wouldn't ask for more. Although I continued to take
drugs every day, I maintained a good grade average. That seemed to
satisfy him.

School Intervention

At the high school in Snellville, my female guidance counselor
seemed to be the only adult who sensed the depth of my pain. She had
amazingly smooth, porcelain skin and shiny, short black hair. Her voice
was soft and she was never confrontational. She was the only person at

Georgia Rebellion


school I felt safe to open up to, although I didn't remember enough to be
able to tell her about the more hidden traumas.

She arranged with all my teachers to let me leave my classes any time
I wanted to meet with her. She also encouraged me to spend my study
hall periods in her office. I read my assignments at a table while she
worked at her nearby desk. Her quiet, unobtrusive caring provided
another calm oasis in my troubled life.




In the fall semester of my senior (12th) year at school, I bought two
unusually large, white Quaalude tranquilizer pills from a young blond
student who was making a small fortune selling drugs in the school's
parking lot. He said another teenager who had burglarized the local phar-
macy the night before had sold him a large volume of the pills. I bought
two, paying twenty-five cents for each. Later, my closest friend asked me
to sell one to her. I did, for twenty-five cents.

That day, students who took the pills dropped like flies all over the
parking lot and in the classrooms. To keep some of them from being
arrested, we hid them in cooperative students' cars until the drug wore off.
I made an unscheduled visit with the guidance counselor, and told her I
was upset because my friends were getting sick. I didn't tell her I had
bought two of the pills, because I didn't want her to think badly of me.

As we talked, my back was to the corridor outside her office. I heard
a commotion and turned to look. Two men half-dragged my friend into
the vice principal's office. I started crying because I was worried about
her health. Soon, the vice-principal sent for me. In his office, he said
my friend had told him I'd sold her the drug. He said if I told him who
I bought the pills from, he wouldn't have me arrested.

I shook and cried. Then I said I'd tell him whatever he wanted, as long
as he'd call Dad at work to smooth the way for me when I was home.
I also asked him to call Pastor Hodges. Soon, the big man entered the
small room and enveloped me in his strong arms as I sobbed uncontrol-
lably. The vice-principal said I would have to be suspended from school
for the rest of the semester. Then he said he'd make sure my record was
kept clean if I told him who sold me the pills. He kept his word-my high
school transcript doesn't indicate my suspension.






My friend's mother was furious that I'd given her daughter the pill.
During a phone conversation with Mom that afternoon, the girl's mother
accused me of being her drug supplier, and banned me from having fur-
ther contact with her. I was incredulous, because the girl's much-older
boyfriend had supplied both of us for years ! I was relieved when Mom
believed me.

That night, Dad angrily questioned me and asked who had started me
on drugs. I told him about our lifeguard, Tom. Dad immediately went to
Tom's house and confronted him. The young man lied and said he'd
never given me marijuana. Because Dad was on the neighborhood's pool
committee, he immediately fired Tom. That really tore me up, because
I liked Tom and had become friends with his youngest sister. Within a
half a day, I'd already lost three friends.

Later that night, Dad yelled at Mom and blamed her for my becoming
a drug addict. He said if she'd remained at home instead of going to
work, none of it would have happened.



Volunteer Work

To keep me out of trouble during my suspension, Mom and Dad
decided I would do volunteer work away from home.

A neighbor invited me to spend several days a week with her at the
large office of a regional magazine in downtown Atlanta. She was kind
and respectful; I enjoyed riding in her car and talking with her. A huge
room above the office area stored large stacks of magazines. Sometimes
her boss asked me to look through them for defects. I also did small odd
jobs in the office, and felt excited to be in a professional working
environment. Although I looked a mess with my long hair and faded blue
jeans, the young office workers went out of their way to make me feel
welcome. Some of the men even let me bum cigarettes from them when
my neighbor was away.

On my last day there, the editor-in-chief gave permission for her and
another female employee to take me to an expensive French restaurant,
the Fleur-de-lis, for my first fancy meal. They even ordered cherries
flambe! Although I cannot remember the magazine editor's name,

Georgia Rebellion


I'll never forget his kindness. My neighbor also put a white carnation in
a vase on my desk. I cried. For the first time in my life, I felt special in a
good way.

My other volunteer job was with the Red Cross in the nearby, old town
of Lawrenceville. A petite, elderly woman was my supervisor. Early each
morning, Mom dropped me off on her way to work. I helped the super-
visor tear donated, well-used bed sheets into bandages for soldiers in
Vietnam-that was my only connection to the war.

During Thanksgiving, I went with her to deliver boxes of food to
elderly shut-ins. I didn't know that so many older people were lonely!
Back at the office, a local newspaperman took a picture of me in a white
uniform, filling cardboard boxes with canned goods. I laughed when
I saw it in the paper-I certainly didn't look like a "freak" now!

When I returned to school for the winter semester, my friends were
disappointed that I didn't want to get high with them anymore. Some
even accused me of being an undercover narcotics agent. That accusation
hurt, but I understood their fear. I focused on doing well in my school-
work and staying out of trouble.

When I met with the guidance counselor to discuss what I'd like to do
after I graduated, she gave me a battery of vocational tests. After review-
ing the results, I decided to go to college and major in either library
science or psychology. When I told my parents what I wanted to do, they
seemed pleased.




One month after I'd returned to school, Mom secretly filed for divorce.
She didn't tell anyone she was having an affair with Dad's best friend,
a fellow engineer at Western Electric who was also married.

The night Mom arranged to have Dad served with the court summons,
she told my brothers and me that she'd filed for divorce because
Dad never spent time with us anymore. She ordered us to act as if
nothing unusual was going to happen, when Dad came home from

My stomach hurt as I listlessly shoved scrambled eggs around the
inside of a frying pan with a spatula for our dinner. I'd just been sucker
punched; the runny eggs were making me nauseous.



When Dad entered the kitchen from the carport, he was excited in a
childlike way. He said he'd purchased tickets for all of us to go to Disney
World. Seeing the happiness in his face, I felt guilty for not telling him
what was about to happen. I wanted to rescue him. When the sheriff's
deputy came to our house in a police car, he handed Dad the summons
and told him to leave. Dad must have been in shock, because he didn't

We remained in the house in Snellville while Dad moved into an apart-
ment with a friend, about twenty minutes away. Mom divorced him for
"mental cruelty." Because Dad didn't contest the divorce, it was quickly
finalized. For the first time in my life, I wasn't afraid of his walking into
the house and hurting us. I felt the beginning of freedom and looked for-
ward to a happier future.

And yet, at the same time, their divorce created a deep schism in the
center of my being. As sick as our family had been, I'd felt more secure
when their marriage was intact. Because Mom wouldn't allow Dad to
have any contact with us, I'd suddenly lost my father. And because
Mom now spent most of her free time away from home, I'd basically lost
her, too.

Since my brothers and I were left to fend for ourselves, I cooked lots
of rice, scrambled eggs, grilled cheese sandwiches, and tuna noodle
casseroles-the extent of my culinary skills.

After I graduated from high school in the spring of 1973, 1 told Mom
that I planned to go to college the following fall. I was stunned as she
coldly said that since Dad had his own living expenses now, they couldn't
pay for me to go.

I was hit by a tidal wave of fear. How could I build a new life? Because
of my bad reputation as a former drug user, nobody in town would hire
me. And because I didn't have a driver's license or a car, I couldn't work
anywhere else! I had no viable way to plan for a self-sustaining future,
and didn't know how to begin.

I couldn't discuss my fears with Mom, because she was always gone
(secretly spending time with Dad's friend). Dad wasn't allowed to con-
tact us. I didn't think Pastor Hodges could help me. And because I'd
graduated, I didn't believe I had the right to talk to the school counselor
any more. Feeling completely hopeless, I sank back into depression and
started using drugs again.

Georgia Rebellion



Although Dad did do a great deal of work for Western Electric, which later merged
with AT&T, he may have also used his position there as a cover for other activities.
In a 1989 letter to his lawyer, he wrote, "In my job, I must travel to all points in the
US and to many foreign countries at a moment's notice. We are under a company
directive to use our AT&T [credit card] for these reservations."

Anna C. Salter, Ph.D. interviewed Mr. Woodard, an incarcerated rapist and moles-
ter, who explained how he'd gotten away with so many crimes before he was
finally caught:

I lived the life of a chameleon or salamander, changed colors with the
wind. I didn't just live a double life. I lived multiple lives. Whatever the
situation called for, I lived it. If I hung around Christian people and I
knew that they were Christian, then my actions and my mannerism
were similar to theirs. And I adapted to whatever the situation required,
(pg. 35)

This was the same behavior I witnessed in Dad. Based on her years of
interviews with sexual offenders, Salter gave a warning to her readers that we
would be wise to heed:

Sex offenders are well aware of our propensity for making assumptions
about private behavior from public presentation. They use that infor-
mation deliberately and carefully to set up a double life. It serves them
well but doesn't do much for the rest of us. (pg. 38)





Shortly after graduating from high school, I met Albert. A native of
Miami, Florida, he'd recently moved to the city of Atlanta to stay with an
old friend in a Christian men's home. Seven years older than me, Albert
was 57" with wavy, dark brown hair.

When we first met, I was spending the weekend with Cynthia, an older
girl who worked with Albert at a factory in Norcross. She arranged for
him and a male co-worker to go on a double date with us. The first night,
Cynthia dated Albert and I dated his friend.

The four of us drove around in a small car for a while, talking and
listening to the radio. Later that night, we stopped at a small park. While
Cynthia and Albert kissed in the car, his big, shy friend sat next to me on
a picnic table and tried to kiss me. Feeling nauseous, I pushed him away.
We silently sat on the picnic table the rest of that long night, careful not
to touch each other.

The next morning, Cynthia suggested we go out again that night. I said
I would if we switched partners. That evening, as she and Albert's friend
kissed in the car, Albert and I spent most of the night standing and talk-
ing on a bridge over a wide creek. I felt happy when he didn't try any-
thing sexual. He encouraged me to share deep, personal thoughts and
feelings. His interest in my life made me feel good.

Early the next morning, on the way back to Cynthia's house, I sleepily
lay on the back seat with my head on Albert's knees, facing his stomach.
I awoke to see his bulging zipper rhythmically poking at my face. As tears
slipped out of my eyes, I turned my face away and pretended to still be
asleep. I felt so degraded!

After the men left Cynthia's house, I felt so dirty and ashamed that I
lied and said Albert had been a perfect gentleman. She said she knew I
was lying, and warned that he was "nothing but trouble."

That afternoon, Albert called Cynthia and cried for at least an hour.
He said he was depressed because his live-in girlfriend in Miami had
broken up with him. As I listened, Cynthia told him he should forget




about the past. I was drawn to the intensity of his emotions as he wept
almost non-stop. Against Cynthia's stern advice, I agreed to go out with
him on a real date.

When Albert learned that I was using illegal drugs, he said it was sin-
ful and insisted that I stop. I did. Then he took me on "dates" to shoddy
bars in the outskirts of Atlanta. I didn't drink to get a buzz or have a good
time; I drank until all the sounds and lights and faces merged together.
Drinking made my problems go away-until the next morning.

After several weeks of driving from the factory to our house late at
night, Albert asked Mom if he could sleep in our living room on a pull-
out sofa bed instead of going home. She readily agreed. Years later, she
admitted to me that night after night, she'd heard me tiptoe down the
stairs, and had heard us having sex on the pull-out sofa in the living room,
leaving deep grooves in the wooden floor. She never indicated that she
knew what we were doing, nor did she ever mention birth control to me.

The first time we had sex, Albert pushed my head down hard against
him. I gagged and felt like I was suffocating. I went away for a while.
When I came back into my body, I didn't know that I'd switched to a sex-
ually experienced alter- state.

Albert probably thought that I'd remembered the entire experience,
and was pleased with my skills. Soon, he spent almost all his free time at
our home.



Albert's Family

Albert's English father had abandoned his wife and five children when
Albert was very young. His mother, Virginia, eventually married Paul, a
dark-haired, slim, short man who claimed to be a Nazi who had immi-
grated to the US via Spain.

Albert expressed hatred whenever he talked about Paul. His stepfather
was a radio minister and blue-collar worker. Albert and one of his three
sisters hinted that Paul had done terrible things to them and their mother,
although they never shared any details with me.

When Albert drove me to Miami the first time to meet his parents,
I was horrified that his mother wasn't allowed to drive several blocks to
the grocery store or to church without Paul's express permission. Like
Albert, Virginia had large dark circles under her eyes.



I was even more appalled when, upon Paul's command, their large
black dog crawled across the small wooden living room floor to where
he stood. For hours at a time, the dog lay on the wooden floor, not
moving until Paul gave it permission. Huge calluses were on its legs.

Although going to Miami helped me to recognize that Albert's stepfather
was overly controlling, I didn't understand how the horror that Albert had
endured as his stepson had affected his mind and poisoned his soul.




Since Dad had conditioned me to be a sexual machine, when I was
alone with Albert, I was like a sexual robot with no "off" switch. I felt
secretly ashamed of my lack of control and wished Mom would inter-
vene, but she never indicated that she knew what we were doing.

We also had sex in my bedroom during the day while Mom and my
brothers were away. It was easier than trying to find something to talk
about. When he was there at night and my family was still awake, we sat
outside on the cool cement floor of our family's large screened-in porch.
A Pentecostal, Albert played his Spanish guitar (he was tone deaf) while
insisting that we sing Christian songs together. Sometimes he tape-
recorded our songs to send to his older brother, Richard, in Illinois.
Afterwards, Albert would lead me in prayer, then give me "prophecies
from God." Because I believed that God was really speaking through him
to me, I felt special and became dependent on Albert to facilitate a deeper
relationship between me and God.

One night, Albert called from the factory. He said he had something
important to discuss with me when he came to the house. When I told a
friend, she suggested that he planned to give me an engagement ring.
Believing her, I was excited as Albert drove up the cement driveway and
parked in our brick- walled carport.

Mom and my brothers had driven to Pennsylvania, so Albert and I sat
alone in the living room. We played my radio in the dark as candles
illuminated the wood-paneled walls. I was disappointed when Albert
frowned and said that we were sinning against God by having sex out-
side of marriage. He said that because I was causing him to sin, he
didn't want to see me anymore. I was stunned and deeply hurt-all along,
I'd believed that he loved me and wanted to be with me!



Just then, we heard Diana Ross's hit song, Touch Me In The Morning.
Believing it must be a message from God, I told Albert, "Just this one
more night. Give me this one more night." For the first time, we made
love so gently, it squeezed the breath out of me. By morning, he decided
to continue dating me.

Although birth control pills were available, I knew nothing about
them. Instead, Albert used a less reliable method-condoms. He con-
vinced me that as long as he used them, I couldn't get pregnant. One
night in September, a condom was defective. Although Albert freaked
out, I privately thought that God had caused it to happen, because He
wanted me to become pregnant and marry Albert.

Within weeks, I felt more full inside than normal. Mom took me to a
medical clinic in Snellville for a pregnancy test. The doctor smiled and
said, "The rabbit died." Mom later explained that I was pregnant.

When I told Albert over the phone, he accused me of trying to get preg-
nant so he'd have to marry me. Then he tried to talk me into "shacking
up" with him in Florida, as he'd done with his rich, blond ex-girlfriend.
He said he'd even paid for a wedding announcement in a Florida newspa-
per, to con her parents into thinking he'd married her! That bothered me-I
didn't want to marry a dishonest man. I was also troubled by his refusal
to remove her picture from his wallet, no matter how much I cried and
begged him to. I didn't understand that he was still on the rebound from
their broken relationship.

All I wanted to know was that he loved me and would be happy with
me as his wife-later, if not now. If having his baby was what it would
take to rope him into marrying me, then I was glad I was pregnant. 1

A year earlier, Mom had told me that if I should ever become pregnant,
she'd fly me to New York to get an abortion. But now, she didn't make
that offer. Instead, she encouraged me to marry Albert.

At the time, I wasn't aware that Dad had quit paying child support for
me. I also didn't know that Mom was preparing to sell the house and
move into a smaller rental home with her still-married lover-leaving no
room for me in her life.




Albert's older brother, Richard, was thin and lanky with red hair
and a full beard. He was an elder of a small Charismatic church in



Waukegan, a sprawling, large, old city on Lake Michigan, about an hour
north of Chicago. Waukegan was usually hot and humid in the summer
and bone-freezing cold in the winter. Far above, its sky was almost
always a dull color.

Richard's pastor, Bob, had perfectly styled white hair and a neatly
groomed moustache. Bob's wife, Barbara, was large with a strong operatic
voice and long, straight, thick blond hair.

Bob, Richard, and several other men were in the process of develop-
ing a new church that would be under the direct authority of Apostle John
Robert Stevens, the leader of the Church of the Living Word in Anaheim,
California. Members called the church network The Walk, signifying
their unique walk, or relationship, with God.

When Albert told Richard that I was pregnant, Richard insisted that
Albert bring me to Waukegan to be married before God. Albert decided
that if he cooperated with Bob and Richard, he could convince them to
help us financially. First, he sent me to Illinois for one week to spend
time with the church members. He wanted to be sure that I'd be happy
living there.

During a church service that week, Pastor Bob, Richard and other
elders laid their hands on my head and shoulders and "prophesied God's
word" to me. Bob, Richard, and one other man said they "saw" me coming
back there to serve God, but not with Albert.

When I returned to Atlanta and told Albert what they'd said, he was
furious. He reminded me that he was God's mantle of authority over me.
Hadn't God given him many prophecies for me when we prayed
together? Because Bob and other elders had also told me that God had
revealed to them that Albert was a "chosen prophet," I continued to
believe that Albert's prophecies were from God.




In late November 1973, Albert drove us in his rickety old sedan to
Waukegan. On December 2, we were married in the church's ranch style,
one-story house that doubled as a residence for Bob, Barbara, and their
two young sons. I felt excited that I was joining a community of
Christians who would become my new family. Half a country away from
Dad, I felt safe.



Mom and Dad traveled there separately for our small wedding. I wore
a tight- fitting, long, yellow dress that a female church member had
quickly sewn for me. Albert and I had written our own vows. In mine,
I promised to follow Albert as Ruth had followed her mother-in-law,
Naomi: "Thy people shall be my people, and thy God, my God."

Later, when I saw photos of the ceremony, I noticed that sunlight com-
ing through a window behind Bob had seemed to make a white aura
around his head. I believed this was a sign from God that He'd supernat-
urally blessed our marriage. (Bob taught us that a white aura indicated
God's strong presence.)

For $125 a month, we rented a small upper- floor, government-assisted
apartment at 2409 Dugdale Road, part of a large, low-income housing
complex. Cooped up in the apartment in the frigid winter with no phone
and no TV, I thought I'd go mad. Fortunately, Richard and his family
lived in a nearby apartment building. I spent most of my free time with
them, and quickly adjusted to the constant pandemonium in a household
with five energetic children. I grew to love each of them and became one
of their regular babysitters.



Nursing Home

Barbara A., a middle-aged brunette church member, offered to hire me
as a weekday nurse's aide at the All-Seasons Nursing Home in
Waukegan. After I was hired, I had to walk about two miles each way,
sometimes wading through deep drifts of snow. Although I only earned
$2 an hour, I felt better about myself because I had a job and wasn't
lonely anymore.

Although most of the patients on the first floor of the two-story nurs-
ing home were elderly, one Black, male, paraplegic patient was middle-
aged. Lonely and depressed, he said his wife refused to let him come
home, and rarely visited him. His muscles were wilting from lack of
exercise. As often as I could, I took him upstairs to the exercise area,
where he began to bulk up his arms and upper torso.

My work at the nursing home was character-building. I was careful to
show respect to bedridden patients as I fed and washed them, changed
their urine- soaked bed sheets, and emptied their urine and colostomy
bags. I also pushed heavy meal tray carts down the halls and helped



patients turn in their beds and transfer to wheelchairs and back. The work
was exhausting, but I loved it.

One winter day, a large, young, Black male patient-the paraplegic's
roommate-had a grand mal seizure in the large first-floor community
dining room. I was down the hall in an elderly patient's room when
I heard the loud thuds as the young man's head repeatedly slammed
against the linoleum covered floor. My sister-in-law, who had also been
hired as an aide, witnessed the seizure. The man was taken by ambulance
to a hospital.

When I walked into our dark apartment that night, I felt so exhausted,
I left pots of macaroni and cheese and green peas on the stove. It wasn't
much, but surely Albert would understand.

Although he drove to work while I walked, Albert constantly com-
plained about having to be on his feet all day in the shipping department
of a nearby store. When he walked into our apartment that night, he
started complaining again as I lay on our mattress on the bedroom floor
with a migraine headache.

Ignoring my discomfort, Albert screamed and cursed at me for leaving
him a pan of cold pasta. He threw it against the kitchen wall and shouted,
"Clean it up!" Then he angrily insisted that I get up and make him a
decent supper. I cried as my head throbbed. I tried to tell him how upset
I'd been about the patient. He didn't care.

What had happened to the man who had enjoyed talking with me late
into the night? Frightened and hurt, I walled off my emotions. As
I crawled on my hands and knees to wipe up the sticky mess, I decided
I wouldn't let him hurt me that way again.

At the nursing home, I was angry at how badly the patients were
neglected. I ended up doing the work of several nurses' aides. I also did
chores I wasn't qualified to do, like changing patients' colostomy bags,
and their surgical and bedsore dressings. Someone had to do it. While
I toiled, the male orderlies hid in the laundry room and played poker.
They often laughed at the cries of patients who lay in urine and feces on
their stinking hospital beds.

Someone always tipped off our normally absent male supervisor when
a state investigator was about to pay a "surprise" visit. Before each
inspection, the supervisor handed us various colored pens to fabricate
entries in patients' charts that "proved" we had done what was required
by state law.



One day, a young female inspector came to the nursing home. No one
was expecting her this time. As the first-floor staff played their daily
poker game in the laundry room, unaware of her presence, I showed her
how we'd fabricated the patients' records. She asked me to show her

I took her to the room of an elderly, petite, female, Black patient. The
poor woman's tendons were so tight and hard, she couldn't move her
curled arms and legs at all. Covered with large bedsores, she lay in a fetal
position on her back with decaying food inside her clenched fists, her
uncut fingernails growing into her palms.

The inspector taught me how to work with the elderly woman by
slowly and gently moving her frozen arms and legs. As she did this, the
woman, who was in agony, yelled in a hoarse voice: "Lord have mercy!
Lord have mercy!" Although I understood that I had to cause her pain in
order to help her, her cries broke my heart.

After that, I did what I could to give extra help to that elderly woman
and several others. Unfortunately, I injured myself in my seventh month
of pregnancy. An extremely overweight Black woman had repeatedly
called out for help. She wanted to get off her hospital bed into the wheel-
chair so she could use the bathroom. Because the orderlies refused to
help, I ran out of patience and tried to move her on my own. As I shifted
her from the edge of her bed to the wheelchair, the chair moved away and
she fell on her rump on the floor. Although she was uninjured, I felt
something tear or split between my legs. Unaware that I should report the
injury to the administration, I walked home, frightened.

That night, I was in so much pain, I had to crawl from our mattress to
the bathroom. Albert accused me of faking an injury so I wouldn't have
to work. My frustration and helplessness instantly turned into anger; I'd
be damned if I would let his selfishness push me into losing my baby!
Because Albert said we couldn't afford another exam with the obstetri-
cian, I lay in bed for several days until the pain subsided. I never went
back to the nursing home.

I couldn't understand why Albert was so distrustful and bitter towards
everyone, including me. As much as he'd insisted on my moving with
him to Waukegan to join the church, he now opposed my bonding with
church members, and insisted we move back to Atlanta. I felt
torn between my love for the church family and my duty to my
husband. Pastor Bob, Richard, and other church leaders challenged



me to put my devotion to God and the church first. I was already so
brainwashed, I believed I couldn't have a relationship with God outside
The Walk.

Albert was furious when I refused to move back to Atlanta with him.
He said he wasn't willing to raise our baby in Waukegan because the city
was "too depressing." When he told Dad what he wanted to do, Dad
invited Albert to live with him in Atlanta while Albert searched for a job.
Despite Albert's cajoling and angry threats, I stayed in Waukegan.



The Sisters

After Albert found a job in Atlanta, he refused to send me any money.
He said I'd have to come to Atlanta since I had no way to pay the rent on
our apartment. Instead, I sublet the apartment to two young men and
moved into our church's two-story women's home on Greenbay Road, a
wide, busy city street in Waukegan. For over a month, I subsisted on
church members' charity. The women living there became my sisters.
They gave me a private bedroom that had previously been occupied by
Lynn, a friendly young, long-haired female who had recently birthed a
baby girl. I enjoyed Lynn's company-she reminded me of a reformed
Janis Joplin, my favorite singer.

Bob and the church elders continued counseling me to choose the
church and God's will over my marriage. They said because Albert was
staying away from his calling as a prophet in the Walk, he was in rebellion
against God.

I cried every night, afraid I'd have to divorce the father of my baby.
Although I couldn't remember what Dad had done to me, I feared going
back to Atlanta. Pastor Bob and the elders said my baby and I were
protected by God's umbrella of protection as long as I stayed in The
Walk. I believed them.



Baby Rose

I told Albert that Barbara, the pastor's wife, had become my Lamaze
partner and coach in his stead. Realizing I wasn't going to come to
Atlanta, he gave up and returned several weeks before our baby's due



date. He moved into the men's Greenbay house, two blocks away, and
took his rightful place as my partner at the Lamaze classes.

Ever since I'd learned I was pregnant, I'd done everything possible to
ensure that my baby would be healthy. I'd stopped smoking and drinking,
and ate only natural foods. One female church member gave me a large
package of expensive Shaklee prenatal vitamins. I walked two miles
almost every day in the spring and the hot, muggy summer. I regularly had
my baby blessed by Bob and the elders, who placed their hands on my
swollen belly and head and prayed for both of us.

Pastor Bob and Barbara negotiated with a young newlywed couple,
Bob and Ann-Marie M., who had recently received an old, two-story
wood-framed house from Ann-Marie's parents as a wedding present. The
couple agreed to let us live with them until we could afford to rent our
own apartment.

Slim and bubbly with blue eyes and blond hair, Bob M. was our
church's music leader as well as an elder. Quick-tempered Ann-Marie
had coal black eyes and dark straight hair. Since she wanted to have
Bob's baby, she hoped she could learn how to raise hers by observing
me with mine.

One morning, when I was two weeks overdue, my obstetrician called.
I liked the thin, dark-haired man because even though I could pay little,
he remained gentle and respectful. He said he wanted me to go to the
hospital so he could induce labor. Because I'd avoided all drugs-even
aspirin-to protect my baby, I cried and asked God for help. As I packed
my hospital bag, the contractions began on their own. I took this as a sign
that God was blessing my baby.

In the hospital, my labor lasted twelve hours. A scowling gray-haired
nurse walked into the labor room after several hours and demanded that
I stop using the Lamaze method. She said because I panted like a puppy
during contractions, I was depriving my baby of oxygen. I tried to
breathe normally, but that made the pain unbearable. Physically para-
lyzed by its intensity, I screamed that she could go to hell. As I resumed
panting, she angrily stalked out of the room, shouting that I was killing
my baby.

A few minutes later, a young, brunette nurse entered. She had a gentle,
calm disposition and was comfortable with the Lamaze method. Dr. T.
came in once in a while to see how much my cervix had dilated.
Dissatisfied, he gave me injections that sped the contractions. They started



coming every minute. I was so tired! A sterling Lamaze partner, Albert
encouraged me and wiped my face with cold wet washcloths.

I cannot describe the happiness I felt when my precious baby, who I'll
call Rose, came out of my womb. She had the most beautiful cry. Hearing
her voice, I fell completely in love.



Love Lost

Although at first they'd been excited about having a baby in their new
home, Bob and Ann-Marie weren't prepared for Rose's nighttime crying.
Since our upstairs bedrooms were right next to each other, Ann-Marie
insisted I put her in a borrowed, white wicker bassinet I kept in the down-
stairs living room. Ann-Marie said I should let my baby cry to keep from
spoiling her. In my mother-heart, I knew she was wrong. My baby was cry-
ing because she needed me. Each night, I waited until they'd closed their
bedroom door, then tiptoed downstairs and held Rose on my stomach until
we both fell asleep on the sofa. I felt like the happiest woman on earth.

I was lucky to be able to stay home and breast-feed my baby with no
complications. I wanted the best for her — La Leche members in our
church taught that mothers' breast milk protected babies from many

Rose was the only human I had ever fully bonded with. For the first
time, I knew what true love was. We locked eyes every time she sucked
greedily at my engorged breasts. I couldn't get enough of her. Her soft
fuzzy skin fascinated me. She was brown-haired with blue eyes and had
the most amazing, flowery-scented breath. I was blessed to experience a
month and a half of bliss and bonding with her.

The rest of this chapter honors her memory, and Emily, the daughter
who I unwittingly raised in her stead. It is a compilation from daily jour-
nals, written by many of my alter-states over a period of about five years.
The death of my baby girl was so traumatizing that the memory shattered
into little disconnected pieces that surfaced, decades later, one small
piece at a time. 2

/ strongly advise ritual abuse survivors to avoid reading the remainder
of this chapter-it can be extremely triggering.

Before Rose was born, I'd been transported in a vehicle (by whom,
I don't yet remember) to secretly meet with a young couple I'd previously



visited with Dad in their home in Virginia. The olive-skinned,
black-haired, dark-eyed young husband was a lawyer. He bragged that he
was a "dandy." Like Dad, he loved doing awful things to his victims; and
like some hard-core Satanists, he stored human body parts in large glass
jars of formaldehyde in white, wooden kitchen cupboards. His slim,
lovely young wife was light-skinned with long, straight, light brown hair.

That Sunday, not knowing how I came there, I stood talking with the
young couple in Chicago in an empty, below-ground parking deck with
thick concrete walls. When the young mother held out her new baby to
me, I saw the husband smirk. Not a good sign. I was doubly concerned
when I saw the same ugly smirk on the young woman's face. I removed
the thin receiving blanket from their baby's face.

At first, I couldn't comprehend what I saw. They'd put plastic wrap on
the squirming, premature baby's face. Its complexion had turned unnat-
urally dark. Even though I knew I was in danger of being tortured if
I dared to break that man's mental control, I snatched the plastic away.
The baby screamed in absolute fury. I was so shocked by the experience,
I pushed the memory away.

Several months later, in September, 1974, Dad secretly paid for me to
fly with Rose to Atlanta to meet with him. The afternoon we arrived in
Atlanta, the air was almost cool with just a hint of a breeze. The sun
shone brightly. Dad seemed to drive aimlessly, then stopped and got out
of his car. Carrying Rose in my arms, I followed him onto the middle of
a large, dusty, sparsely vegetated piece of empty property. No people,
buildings or houses were anywhere near us. I saw a treeless subdivision
in the distance-all its homes looked alike.

Fear clutched my heart as I held my baby girl tightly. I felt doom,
although I didn't know why. When I looked at Dad again, he held out a
large, sharp knife with a black handle, similar to the knife he'd used in
rituals when I was a child, putting his hands over mine and forcing me to
kill precious babies. 3

My mind short-circuited. Dad looked into my eyes and said, "If you
don't kill her, I will." Instantly, a succession of ritually conditioned alter-
states emerged. Each one frantically assessed the situation, trying to fig-
ure a way out. When one part saw no way out, that part went under and
the next part came out.

They knew they could try to run with Rose to the distant houses and
yell for help, but since Dad was a cross-country athlete, they couldn't



outdistance him. They could try to fight him, but he was much stronger,
and where could they put the baby to keep him from hurting her in the
struggle? And if he killed me or I killed myself, there was no telling what
he'd do to her.

A mother-part emerged and stared at my baby's sweet face. She tried
to comfort herself with the knowledge that Rose would soon be with
God in heaven, where He'd keep her safe and surrounded with His love.
And even if it killed the mother-part, she was determined to be the one
to do it with every ounce of love in her. She would not allow Dad's cruel,
filthy hands to touch Rose's innocent body. She'd seen Dad rape baby
girls to death. He was not going to do it to Rose! She'd kill her first, with
love and gentleness. She wanted the love and reassurance in her own
eyes to be the last thing Rose would see.

As she prepared to cut Rose's carotid arteries, she felt such piercing
pain, she realized she couldn't go through with it. She couldn't kill the
most important person in her universe. When she submerged and a
ritually conditioned child alter- state emerged, Dad noticed the shift and
grinned. As he'd done so many times in the past, he put his right hand
atop mine and forced it to cut Rose's soft neck. I believe it was a mercy
that the child alter-state didn't recognize Rose as her child. Dad forced
my hand to cut Rose's carotid arteries, one at a time.

After the deed was done, the mother-part reemerged. She wanted to
scream with wild grief as she saw the blood pulse and Rose's precious
eyes faded to dull, then black. She was losing her baby, dear God, she
was losing her baby. As Rose's eyes stopped seeing, she told herself,
"She's with God now. She's safe." But the dark pain of her baby's leaving
was unbearable.

She didn't move as she watched Dad carry Rose by her ankles to keep
from getting her blood on him. He wouldn't allow the alter-state to bury
Rose. He said that since the baby came from my body, she was garbage.
He put her precious body in a black, plastic garbage bag and threw it into
a nearby commercial sized, metal dumpster.

Within minutes, Dad had successfully destroyed the one relationship
in my life that made me feel good as a human being. So many parts of
me now felt pure hatred towards him, wanting to kill him. But deep
down, they knew they could never go there. Because they were depend-
ent on him to tell them what to do, think, and believe, if they killed him,
they believed they would also cease to exist. Survival came first.



After putting her body into the dumpster, Dad raped me on the dusty
ground, reclaiming me for himself.

I believe Dad tried to murder my goodness that day, to make me like
him. When he ordered me to kill Rose, that was the closest I ever came
to breaking forever and becoming a willing perpetrator. But by holding
onto my love for her and my hatred towards him, I was able to preserve
my truest self, deep inside. He could make me kill her, but he could never
take away my love for her. It embodied my gentleness and kept me from
becoming monstrous like him.

The darkness in him did not engulf the light in me that day, but my
grief over losing my beautiful sweet baby was so great, I couldn't allow
myself to feel softness and caring anymore. I erected thick concrete
barriers around my love and my memory of her, so that Dad could never
touch or hurt that essence inside me. Unfortunately, by walling up and
preserving my deep love for her, I couldn't express love or caring
towards anyone else.

Later that day, I walked along an open-air, concrete balcony to
Dad's room at a hotel where we were staying. When I knocked on his
dark, solid door, he silently opened it. Shirtless, he walked toward his
bed. Because he had drawn his thick drapes shut against the bright sun-
light, I couldn't see well at first.

As my eyes adjusted, I saw something moving beneath a white-cased
pillow on his bed. I looked closer and saw the squirming legs of an
infant. Dad watched calmly as I snatched the pillow off the infant, not
caring if he punished me. I yelled, "How could you do this?" In an even
voice he said, "No one will ever know she's not yours. She's physiolog-
ically compatible." 4

In a sudden flash of insight and memory, I realized he'd set up every-
thing that had occurred that day. But why had he chosen this particular
baby? I felt cold as I picked up the screaming infant and looked at her face.

Although she was the same general size as Rose, her hair and skin
were a bit darker. She was physically stronger and much angrier when
she cried. As I looked closer, I remembered. The preemie in the garage.
Dad grinned. I walked out to the open-air balcony, clutching her against
my chest as she continued to scream. Although my heart felt like stone,
I made a decision: by God, he was not going to kill her! Holding her
tightly, I lost all memory of Rose and gave this baby my birth-daughter's
legal name. (From now on, I'll call this baby "Emily.")



After I returned to Waukegan with her, to stay sane, I had to believe
she was mine. Still, I felt cold every time I looked at her. Because she
seemed different and was angry when she cried, I believed that demons
had invaded my baby's body.

One day, in the church's nursery room behind the sanctuary, a young
female member with short, curly, dark hair picked Emily up and cooed
at her, laughing. When I told her my baby was demon-possessed, she
looked at me in horror and said, "Why, she's an angel!" My stony heart
couldn't accept her words. I believed my baby had become the epitome
of evil.

Determined to save her from Satan, I followed the teachings from
Apostle Stevens and Barbara. I constantly laid my hands on her and
anointed her body with olive oil, commanding the demons to leave her
body in the name of Jesus.

Because I focused on her, I didn't recognize that I, too, had changed.
I was now ready to do assassinations. Each time I, in controlled alter-
states, was sent to kill a targeted man, I unconsciously killed Dad.
My fury and hatred were tremendous. And when I was ordered to do
"disposal" and "clean up" (dismembering male bodies and more), I visu-
alized cutting Dad completely apart so he could never hurt anyone again.

My professional handlers knew my rage at the targeted men was really
about Dad. And although I was used again and again, my fury never
abated. Because the adrenaline rush and the rage gave me additional
strength, when I was pitted against larger, more muscular males with
equal training and conditioning, I always won.

Something else happened during the day of Rose's murder. Several of
my alter-states were now certain that Dad wanted me dead. Because he'd
killed Rose, they knew that he'd really killed me by proxy since she came
from my womb. I believe that in Dad's mind she was merely an exten-
sion of me. He couldn't have gotten closer to killing me without actually
doing it. Some of my alter-states feared they might be next.

Why did he groom and train me from childhood to perform the most
dangerous ops? I believe he hoped that someday I'd be killed on an op.
That way, he wouldn't have actually killed me. My death would have
been so emotionally sanitized, he wouldn't have felt any guilt. After all,
such things happened.

Whenever my professional handlers sent me into situations to do
assassinations, my own life was also at risk. Many of the targeted men



knew they were in danger. Some were armed and ready; some had even
hired professional bodyguards that I had to find a way past, usually by
posing as a prostitute. Some of the targeted men were also seasoned pro-
fessionals, which made them extremely dangerous. Each time, I fought
hard to survive.

By keeping my emotional energy focused on Dad and visualizing him
as I attacked those men, I preserved my sanity. Each time, I mentally
fought like an animal against the greatest beast of all, knowing that he,
the man who had killed my precious daughter, was also the man who
now sent me to die. This knowledge gave me the strength I needed to
fight, stay alive, and come home one more time.


1. When I told Dad the good news, he didn't respond at all. Later, he wrote a scathing
letter to Albert, accusing him of "impregnating" me and taking me into a life of

2. Some readers may ask, how do I know this isn't a fabricated memory? My answer
is this:

Although I initially chose to believe that the pieces of this memory
were fake, I was consistently slammed by powerful attached
emotions-especially grief and love. I also began to vividly remember
the month and a half I'd spent with my baby before her death-those
memories had been completely missing.

In 1994, 1 did try to have DNA tests done on me and my given daugh-
ter, Emily, with her permission. Unfortunately, the person we gave the
samples to (later proven to be CIA-connected) reneged. Since then,
Emily and I have both determined that I probably am not her birth
mother, because our skin tone, hair color, eye color, and physical
stature are dissimilar. Regardless, I carefully reminded her that,
whether or not I'd birthed her, I had raised her as my child and loved
her just as much.

3. This form of excruciating mental torture seems to have been used by other sadists
as well. In their leaflet, Acts of Torture, Sarson and MacDonald reported that a
knife was forced into the hands of Sister Diana Ortiz in November 1989, by one or
more members of the Guatemalan army's counterinsurgency force. Her torturers
forced her to continue to hold the knife "as they plunged it into another woman and
this horror [was] videotaped for blackmailing purposes." (pg. 1)



4. Although I remembered well enough to know — to my great sadness — that this
memory was valid, I still had difficulty accepting that my father would do such a
horrendous thing to Rose, Emily, and me. I later learned that baby switching in
Nazi/ Aryan cults is not uncommon. By keeping the children from bonding with
their birth mothers, the cult leaders can more easily bond with and mentally
control the children.

AFTER ROSE'S 9/74 MURDER, 9/27/01





Even though I couldn't remember my sweet baby's murder, the
immense emotional pain remained. If I didn't find a way to block it all
out, I would die. My escape was to fixate on The Walk's teachings.
I spent most of my waking hours in a trance state, making the cult's
"spiritual" world my only reality. Nothing else mattered anymore. By
then, the construction of our church's new, one-story building in North
Chicago had been completed. Pastor Bob named it "Ecclesia
Fellowship." Since Albert refused to go to church anymore, other members
transported me and Emily as often as needed.

The congregation had become my safe family, and I felt at home
whenever I was with them. Pastor Bob and Barbara became my spiritual
parents. Because I believed they loved and cared about each of us, I did
whatever they said. Some of the women taught me how to sew, cook, and
do basic household chores. In effect, they became my mothers.

After about a year, Bob and Ann-Marie tired of how we took
advantage of their free hospitality. They insisted we find another place to
live. We found a cheap attic apartment in a large old house at 14 Jefferson
Avenue in downtown Waukegan. Unfortunately, because we'd moved
near Lake Michigan, the temperature changes were more severe. One
winter's night, the outside temperature dropped to 60 degrees below zero
with the wind chill factor.

Alone and isolated during weekdays, I grew paranoid about being
attacked by Satan and his hordes of demons, especially the big, bad ones
that Apostle Stevens called "Nephelim." Since I didn't have a job
anymore, I did intercessory prayer for hours on my knees each day,
prayerfully fighting invisible demons that our leaders said were
constantly attacking us from the spiritual realm.

The leaders also told us that every word we spoke as sons of God
had the power to become reality. For this reason, I feared if I said I felt
like I might be getting the flu, I'd accidentally speak the illness into




I didn't want to dirty my spirit with earthly information and demonic
influences from "Babylon" (normal society). Now, at the leaders' encour-
agement, printed literature and taped sermons from the Walk became
my primary sources of information about the outside world. I believed
I was as happy as I could ever hope to be, since I was drawing so close
to God.



Energy Exchange

During praise and worship services at Ecclesia Fellowship, we were
told to raise our hands. We sang any way we wanted, especially in
"tongues" that sounded remarkably like baby babbling. We were told that
when we prayed in tongues, the Holy Spirit was sweeping into the
building, filling our spirits like oil being poured into lanterns. We were told
that this would prepare us, Jesus' spiritual bridesmaids, for the impending
wedding of Christ and the Church. We were told that, by becoming more
holy, pure and obedient-filling ourselves with the "living word of God"
(mostly from Stevens), we would hasten Jesus' return to the earth to
reclaim his spiritual bride (us), and to set up his new kingdom.

Sometimes, as we prayed together in church services, we were
instructed to hold our palms outstretched toward whomever the leaders
prayed for. We were told to send the power of the Holy Spirit from our
bodies, through our hands, to them to give them strength, healing, or
deliverance from demonic influences.

I often experienced a physical exchange of energy after church
services. In the back of the sanctuary, Barbara and other seasoned female
members hugged me and others, chest-to-chest. When they did, I felt
strong energy flow from the center of my torso to theirs, and back again.
As the energy flowed, we comfortably swayed back and forth in rhythm
with it.

I never sensed that this practice was sexual-the energy transfer felt
clean and pure. Sometimes the force of the flow was so strong, it
knocked us away from each other. When it did, we stood there quietly,
praying and swaying peacefully until we'd recovered our faculties. We
were pleased that the Holy Spirit was channeling so strongly through us!

We were also instructed to pray for people who were not in the building,
and to visualize where they were, what they were doing, and what their



special needs were. If we had a "prophetic" vision about a person we
prayed for, we were to walk up onto the stage where Pastor Bob and the
elders stood and share the vision with the rest of the congregation.
Because my heart pounded rapidly nearly every time I thought of walking
up onto the stage, I usually remained silent.

One night, in a rented room in a small commercial building in
downtown Waukegan, Barbara set up a meeting where church members
viewed a film that showed how physical energy transferred from
one human body to another. It focused on scientific Russian experiments,
in which individuals were instructed to interact with each other while
their energy fields were filmed. We watched energy move from one
person to another. As one couple interacted sexually, their auras
even changed in size, shape, color, and intensity. Fascinated, I wondered
why more people didn't know about energy exchanges and energy-field



Because I still believed Albert was God's mantle of authority over me,
and because he continued to give me prophecies from God when we
prayed in our large, airy, wooden-floored bedroom at night, almost
everything he demanded, I did. Even when he told me to do things I
didn't feel good about, I continued to obey him.

The only time I disobeyed him was when people with higher authority
gave me different instructions. These instructions came from Pastor Bob,
Barbara, the elders, and Apostle Stevens (through taped sermons and rare
visits to Ecclesia).

I'd been conditioned throughout my childhood to obey Dad.
Disobedience wasn't allowed. Now, because Albert was my primary
male authority figure, I obeyed him.

Albert was often cynical, demeaning, and abusive towards me; he had
a cruel temper. If I didn't immediately obey his commands, he screamed
at me and made life hell until I fully complied.

Another reason for my obedience was that I was dependent on him.
I didn't have a car and was phobic about driving in traffic, not knowing
that some of my hidden alter-states had been driving for years. 1 I also
didn't know how to use a bank account or write checks because Albert



handled all of our money. I felt worthless, believing I couldn't survive
without his help and guidance.

My submission towards Albert was reinforced within the Walk. Our
leaders and some of the women-especially Barbara-taught us that we
must obey our husbands, because rebellion against their God-ordained
authority would bring demons into our homes, and would put our
children in danger of becoming ill, demon-possessed, or even dead.

Following Barbara's example, some of us even wore white lace
Spanish mantillas on our heads to publicly display our submission to our
husbands and church elders.

We were constantly taught that if we obeyed our husbands, God would
honor our obedience and would miraculously manipulate them to treat
us right. Since we were encouraged to read Church of the Living Word
literature and were discouraged from reading the Bible on our own, I didn't
know that the leaders often used scriptures out of context to manipulate
and control us.

We were instructed to listen to cassette tapes of sermons, especially
those given by Apostle Stevens, several times a week. He and other leaders
told us we must listen to each tape at least three times in a row, so the
"living word of God" would "go down into our spirits." Over a period of
three years, I purchased and listened to hundreds of tapes, allowing the
leaders' teachings to bypass my critical thinking. I wanted God's "living
word" to fill and transform me.

In their sermons, many of the leaders-especially Stevens-used a
combination of Ericksonian hypnotic techniques and Neuro Linguistic
Programming (NLP). 2 Whether this was accidental or intentional, most
of their sermons were so irrational and metaphorical, they created a
spiritual fantasyland in my mind that became more real to me than the
physical world.

The leaders taught that demons could come into our homes through
worldly literature and television programs. Following their teachings,
I used cooking oil to anoint our television, doorways, windows,
pillowcases, mail, and more. I would do whatever it took to keep my
family safe.

Each night, I placed our tape recorder next to Emily's bed and played
Stevens' messages as she fell asleep, so the Spirit-breathed (pneuma)
word of God would fight off any demons that she was too young to



Alone with Emily in our apartment on weekdays, I "danced in the
spirit," stomping and twirling as I sang to God "in tongues." I didn't care
what she or our downstairs neighbors thought. Stevens and other leaders
had taught us that such dancing and singing were inspired by the Holy
Spirit. We were taught that it would please God, since He had been
pleased when King David had publicly danced in praise to Him. I wanted
to be as close to God as King David had been!


Behind the walls of our attic apartment were thick layers of residue
and feces from years of roach infestation. At night, when I walked into
our large kitchen and turned on the light, they scattered into cracks and
crevices. Every time I opened a drawer, they dropped egg sacs as they
scurried away into the darkness. The feces, egg sacs and crawling bugs
nearly drove me out of my mind. Albert refused to let me use chemical
sprays to control them. He said they'd make his hair fall out, and then
he'd go crazy. 3 I tried to work with him by using natural remedies to
make the roaches go away, but they did no good.

Appalled by the infestation, a new landlord hired two men to
thoroughly spray all of the apartments. When the men finished, insecti-
cide dripped down the sides of the doorway between Emily's narrow
bedroom and the kitchen. Albert freaked out and wouldn't let us walk
through it. After the chemical dried and we did walk through it, Albert
insisted we take off our clothes and wash them immediately, so that any
chemicals that touched our clothes wouldn't get near his head. Because
we couldn't yet afford to use the Laundromat down the street, I washed
our "contaminated" clothes in our big cast-iron bathtub and hung them
in the enclosed back stairwell to dry.

Each time the exterminators sprayed our apartment, Albert insisted
I wash the doorways and any other parts of the apartment that the spray
had contacted. I had to throw away the cleaning rags, then scour the sink
and bathtub to remove every last trace of the chemicals. Still, he was con-
vinced that residual insecticide was on my hands. Although I washed
them many times, he never let me touch his head again.

One day, Dad's mother sent me an unexpected birthday present: two
beautiful rugs she'd crocheted by hand. I treasured them, knowing they'd



taken her many hours to make. I decided to put them on our kitchen floor.
Unfortunately, Albert believed our shoes were also contaminated by the
chemicals on the wooden doorways. After we'd walked on Grandma's
rugs, he ordered me to throw them in the garbage. I cried and begged
him to please let me wash them, but he refused. Although I obeyed,
I never forgave him and grieved losing this precious connection to my

He soon developed another phobia towards the acid inside car batteries.
He was convinced that it, too, would make his hair fall out and make him
go crazy. If I walked within several feet of a closed car hood, I had to
wash my purse and all of its contents. If Albert had an especially bad day,
I had to throw my purse into the trash in a sealed plastic bag, so the trash
container wouldn't be contaminated.

Albert's logic had no logic, and yet it dictated our daily lives. Every
time I had to dispose of another "contaminated" personal possession,
I felt more anger towards him.

At times, I also appeared insane. After Emily started walking,
I decided she needed a pet and adopted a small calico kitten. Soon, it
started stalking and pouncing at Emily, claws bared. Something in me
snapped. I felt an irrational need to protect Emily from it. First, when it
pounced at her, I picked it up and shoved it across the floor, away from
her. Then I started throwing it a little harder. One day, I totally lost
control. I threw it so hard, it thudded into the far wall.

After that, it stayed away from me, making an eerie howl that
made the hairs on my arms stand up. I was deeply ashamed of what
I'd done to the poor kitten, especially since I didn't know why I'd
done it. I enlisted a man from church to come and take it away. He
looked disgusted when I wouldn't admit that I was responsible. I didn't
know that I'd flashbacked and seen it as a danger to Emily, because
I'd been forcibly exposed to frightening wildcats as a child. I felt like a

On another occasion, convinced by Barbara that I must cleanse
my intestines to make my body purer and more acceptable to God,
I began giving myself a coffee enema every day. Sometimes I did it
when Albert was home. Although it disgusted him, I refused to stop
since Barbara's authority was higher than Albert's. Starved for a
father's love, I was determined to do whatever it took to make God love
me more.




1. Such schisms in my overall personality weren't unusual. Often, if I had a phobia
that kept me from doing something that most people could comfortably do, I'd
have a hidden alter-state that had compartmentalized the ability to do it. For
instance, as the host alter-state, I was terrified of heights. And yet, I had at least one
alter-state that wasn't afraid of dropping down from one open-air apartment bal-
cony to the next, many stories high.

2. Dick Sutphen explained why, although is a powerful tool for mental control, we've
heard so little about it:

The concepts and techniques of Neuro-Linguistics are so heavily
protected that I found out the hard way that to even talk about them
publicly or in print results in threatened legal action. Yet Neuro-
Linguistic training is readily available to anyone willing to devote the
time and pay the price. It is some of the most subtle and powerful
manipulation I have yet been exposed to. A good friend who recently
attended a two-week seminar on Neuro-Linguistics found that many of
those she talked to during the breaks were government people.
(Sutphen, pg. 13)

3. Chances are good that Albert suffered from Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder
(OCD). Although some people with this mental disorder are obsessed with protect-
ing themselves from germs and constantly wash their hands, in Albert's mind,
chemicals were the invisible enemy.

Memory Manipulation

Temp Jobs

The more time I spent with Emily, the more I enjoyed and was
fascinated by her. I no longer believed that demons inhabited her body.
I was ignorant, however, about child development. Treating her as I'd
been treated as a child, I didn't use baby talk and expected her to reason
as an adult. Nonetheless, I marveled at her cuteness and her excitement
as she explored the world around her.

Unfortunately for both of us, I was not yet in control of several "Mom"
alter-states that did some of the more benign things to Emily that Mom
had done to me. For instance, in public, I secretly pinched Emily to make
her obey me, not understanding that I was actually conditioning her to
fear me. Whenever she cried in a restaurant, I took her into the bathroom
and spanked her on her rear, not understanding that I should instead find
out what her need was. I was convinced that she was rebelling against my
authority whenever she failed to do what I told her.

I even spanked her when she refused to repeat a prayer after me. I didn't
understand that at the toddler stage, part of the child's personality devel-
opment includes saying no. Any time she rebelled, I believed-based
mostly on Barbara's teachings to the women-that a new demon in Emily
was making her do it. I was convinced that I must spank Emily to keep
her from giving the demon more power-after all, we were taught that
demons could kill our children!

Whenever I spanked, pinched, or otherwise hurt Emily, I always felt
horrible afterwards. And yet, because I didn't understand why I did some
of those things, I created false rationalizations for my abusiveness. I was
too frightened of myself to acknowledge my guilt and loss of control.

In one good way, I bonded closely with Emily. Unfortunately, I let it
go on for too long-perhaps bonding her too closely to me. Because of the
radical teachings of several pastors' wives in the La Leche League,
I breast-fed her until she was two-and-a-half. I was taught not to stop
until she didn't want it anymore. They said it should be up to the baby,
not the mother.




After she'd weaned herself, Pastor Bob and Albert told me it was time
for me to get a job. I didn't see how that was possible-how would we
pay for a babysitter? I was touched when several church members
offered to baby-sit for free. At the time, I believed they would be best
for her because they were filled with the Holy Spirit. Now, I wonder if
that was a mistake. After all, most of them were as "spiritually"
psychotic as I!

I started working through Jobs, Inc., a temporary employment agency
in downtown Waukegan. Because I'd taken two years of typing classes in
high school, I was assigned to various departments at the sprawling
Abbott Laboratories pharmaceutical facility in North Chicago.
Sometimes, on a new assignment, I was led to an empty desk and given
magazines to read for days at a time. I didn't understand that some of
those temp jobs were cover positions for covert ops.

Op Preparations

Sometimes, when I was to be sent out on an op, Albert personally
drove me to meet with professional handlers. At other times, handlers
picked me up at home and drove me to buildings where I was hypnotized
and tricked into believing I was at a regular job. I reported to many
buildings and offices during the next two decades.

Because the handlers didn't want me to remember the exteriors of the
buildings they transported me to, I was not allowed to look out the
vehicle's windows. If I did, one of the handlers either tortured me with a
stun gun-usually on one of my forearms, or painfully pressed on a pressure
point near my neck or shoulder. 1

Sometimes, they made me lie on the sedan's back floor, face-down.
Sometimes they transported me in car trunks. When they transported me
in the back of white, windowless panel vans, I was usually strapped to a
gurney with an IV in my arm to keep me sedated.

One method they used to block out memories of civilian air flights was
code-named "Sound Of Silence" programming. To do this, programmers
created a "Helen Keller" alter-state that was certain she was blind, deaf,
and unable to speak. When in this altered state of consciousness, I was
led by the hand by my assigned handlers in and out of planes and airports.
Even though my eyes were wide open, I literally was unable to see. 2

Memory Manipulation


Part of this programming was accomplished through hypnosis paired with
the threat that if I did see any identifiers that indicated which flight I'd
been on, or if I heard anything that would do the same, I would be killed.
Therefore, to stay alive, I unconsciously chose not to see and hear.

By triggering out a succession of alter-states for each op, my handlers
ensured that each participating alter-state contained only one piece of the
whole experience. That increased the fragmentation of my op memories,
which is one reason why the memories eventually emerged in so many
bits and pieces.

Most of the op briefings were routine. Usually, I was led to a desk in
a commercial building, and was told that the desk was mine. I was so
drugged or hypnotized, I believed I was at my regular office job. Another
handler, posing as my supervisor, placed a stack of files on the desk in
front of me, or on a shelf above it. 3 An alter-state was triggered out by
the sight of a red-jacketed manila file in the stack. That op trained
alter-state opened the file consisting of a printed dossier, one or more
black-and-white 8- 1/2 X 1 1 s of the intended male target, and other pages
of printed information.

To the best of my knowledge, each dossier stated that the "target" had
recently raped children, women, or both. Sometimes it stated that the tar-
get had just been released from prison and was an "imminent danger to
society." My op parts believed that my duty as an American citizen was
to "take him out." A simpler command from a handler was: "Do him."
We both understood that "do" meant "kill."

After one alter-state read the file, another op-trained alter-state was
also triggered out and briefed, to ensure that at least two op-trained parts
always had the information necessary to complete the assignment.
This ensured that if one part accidentally submerged into unconsciousness
during the op, the other part could then be triggered out via a tiny
transceiver that the handler had placed in my right ear.

The male professionals who briefed me often increased my deep store
of volcanic rage towards men by ordering me to get down on my knees
and perform oral sex on them before they sent me to perform the op.

I was then transported by car, van, truck, motor home, ambulance, plane,
jet, boat, cargo ship, mini- submarine (ideal for rivers), or helicopter to
perform the op.

I have also had numerous memories of having been in groups
of American tourists that supposedly participated in guided tours in



various countries. It seems that this was an overseas cover that not
only made me seem innocuous; it also ensured the happy cooperation
of my "tourist" alter-states. After all, who wouldn't want to go on
free overseas vacations?


My professional handlers couldn't risk my breaking free from their
control in the middle of a mission. If a male handler could convince a
female, emerging alter- state that the handler was my legal husband, then
that alter-state would more likely obey his commands without argument.
Most of my op trained alter-states didn't know that Albert was my hus-
band. Instead, when they emerged, they believed whatever they were told.
Some of the "husband" handlers took further advantage of my parts' igno-
rance by having sex with them after an op was completed, ensuring that
those alter-states would more likely obey them on future assignments.

While preparing to take me home, my handlers always did a full body
search. They checked my mouth, vagina, rectum, and all of my skin.
They made sure that none of my op alter-states had hidden any clues or
secret messages in or on my body for me to find back home. (Several
parts had been caught using ink pens to write messages on my skin to tell
me, the host alter-state, what was happening.)

Albert and other people close to me, including relatives, supervisors,
and "friends," helped to cover-up for my absences. Whenever I returned
home, they acted as if I'd never been gone. Their behaviors reinforced
my amnesia.

At home, I wasn't able to remember having had extramarital sex with
some of my "husband" handlers, since I repressed those experiences too.
I did, however, remember it in my dreams. Because I felt embarrassed by
the vivid orgasmic dreams, I decided they must be from Satan. Although
my sexual needs were no longer being met at home, I still wanted to stay
faithful to Albert so that God would be pleased with me.


The following is a journaled memory of a typical op. As usual,
I remembered the memory itself, with no knowledge of how I arrived in

Memory Manipulation


that location or how I returned home. And as usual, during the event,
I didn't know who I was or even what year it was. Amnesic, I only knew
what my handlers told me.

I found myself alone in a foreign country, slowly driving along
a narrow, crooked street in a small car. It was right before
dawn. A row of narrow, small, one-story, wooden houses were
on each side of the street. My temporary home base that I
shared with my "husband" (handler) was the last house on the
left. The street was still quiet, but people would soon be
waking up and coming out.

As I drove slowly along the street, I saw that somebody had
placed a detonation device atop the front doorstep of each
house, anticipating that when a person opened their front door
and stepped out, blammo ! The house would be damaged, at the
very least, along with the victim.

I could make out several of these doorstep devices in
the pre-dawn shadows. By our back door, I noticed a stack of
three logs. A long, thin metal pin stuck out beyond the top log,
to be triggered when the solid wooden door pushed open
against it.

My first thought was for the man I called my husband, and the
small, brown-haired, intelligent girl staying in the house with
us. I believed she was our daughter. Though our "marriage"
was a cover, this operative part of me believed in the reality of
the arrangement.

The husband had short, straight brown hair, and was grizzled
from lack of sleep. Muscular and clever, he knew how to
disassemble bombs.

As prearranged, I drove on past the house, and pulled the little
car around into an industrial area for a hastily-called rendezvous
with him. He had just come back from a quickie assignment.
I told him about the bombs I had seen, and begged him,
"Come on, let's get out of here nowl"



He gave me a grim look; taking it as a personal challenge,
he was determined to stay behind and disassemble every

"Just because you know how to do it," I said, "doesn't mean
you have to be the one to do it!"

As we stood arguing about what to do, two of the houses
detonated from the doorstep bombs.

"Come on! It's not worth dying for!"

He wasn't going to go away with me, so I told him I wanted to
take our daughter out of there to a safe place, before she got
blown up too. We had another car, a station wagon with brown
side panels, sitting next to the left side of the house, parked
in the wet, leaf-covered dirt. When I suggested taking the
station wagon, he shrugged, then gave me instructions about
where to go next.

I tried one more time to get him to come with us, but I saw a
gleam in his eye as he sought out the pin in the log on the back
porch. The man was too far gone.

After he safely dissembled our log bomb, I entered the house,
picked up the sleepy child, wrapped her in a red blanket, carried
her outside, and lay her gently on the shiny brown leather seat
in back. "There, now, honey, just take a little nap while I drive.
We're going on a trip."

As I drove slowly away from the danger zone with the child
lying quietly in the back seat of the car, I felt nostalgic, yearning
for the man I had left behind. I also reached the sad realization
that it may very well be the last time I would see him.

Movie Screens

After most covert ops, the professional handlers had to ensure that
I would not remember what had occurred. One way they did this was

Memory Manipulation


by implanting fake "screen memories" in my mind that blocked out
previous legitimate memories.

One type of screen memory was implanted at a location that I believe
I was taken to after ops, to be debriefed. The Janus building was in
Washington, DC. According to a photograph still in my possession, its
street number was 1666. 4 The theater section was on the bottom floor of
this multi-story building. The outside marquee sported two masks, one
laughing and one sad, representing the dual faces of Janus, a mythological
god. The concept of Janus was regularly used in my CIA mental
programming because I lived two completely different lives, one at home
and the other in the field.

At that building, I was usually taken upstairs first to a small, plain- walled
office. The assigned debriefer, usually a clean-cut Caucasian man
wearing a black business suit, triggered out every alter-state that had been
conscious during the op and transportation. Each part told him what that
part remembered. The parts knew that lying could lead to being
tortured, so they were careful to tell the truth. They were not, however,
averse to holding back pertinent information that could lead to their
being tortured for having screwed up.

Afterwards, I was taken downstairs into the empty movie theater.
While I watched a movie, a male handler sat to my right and carefully
monitored my responses to what I saw and heard. Because I was in a
trance state and was sometimes drugged, I believed the movie was really
happening. Sometimes, the man added verbal hypnotic suggestions to
make the movie seem more real.

Whoever chose these movies seemed to look for anything in them that
could parallel at least one or two details they knew I'd experienced during
the previous op. They understood that my future retrieval of memories of
repressed events would work backwards. In other words, because of how
my memory was naturally stored and retrieved, I would remember the
most recent part of a series of experiences before remembering what had
previously occurred. This means I would remember the movie screen
memory before I'd remember the real op preceding it. If the movie seemed
unrealistic, I'd be so confused by my memory of it, I'd think I was psy-
chotic and therefore wouldn't believe the op memory if it emerged later.

Sometimes I was led into a plain-walled room-perhaps at a
different location. I was told to sit in a small, tireless car that had been
placed in front of a movie screen. Two more same- sized, white screens



were attached to each side wall. Sometimes, instead of sitting in the tireless
car, I was instructed to pedal a stationary bicycle or run on a treadmill,
again surrounded by the three movie screens. Regardless of the mode of
fake transportation, the scenery moved as I "drove" the car, pedaled the
bicycle, or ran on the treadmill.

Sometimes when I pressed down on the car's brake, the moving
scenery didn't slow down. I watched in terror as the car plunged off a
cliff and crashed into the ground below. Each time I believed that I'd
died, and then wondered why I could still see and think.

Using the bicycle or treadmill was also crazy-making because at first,
as I pedaled or ran, I was going at the same speed as the fast-moving
automobile traffic on the wide road that I believed I was also on (really,
the traffic was on the screens). Then suddenly, the cars on the screens
would seem to zoom around me and I believed I'd somehow lost my
strength and energy to keep up. Each time, I panicked and felt ashamed.
Because I believed I was on real roads with unfamiliar numbered signs,
I worried. Where was I, how could I keep up with the traffic, and how
would I ever get home?

These particular screen memories were especially effective in blocking
my memories of having previously driven, in an alter-state, to specified

Before the advent of virtual reality, Dad had preferred using what he
called "acted-out scenarios" to implant screen memories in the minds of
victim- slaves. Sometimes he and other alleged operatives contracted
with established Hollywood actors and actresses to participate in these
mock scenarios. At other times, they used people the victims would never
see or meet in regular life. 5

Dad believed by using all of a victim's senses during an acted-out
scenario, the victim would be more convinced that the retrieved memory
of the acted-out scenario was a fully legitimate event.

In the 1990s, my way of determining whether or not a remembered
event had been acted-out was to review the expressions on the faces of the
other participants. I usually could remember a bit of a sneer, or a smile in
the eyes of a participant who should have been upset or frowning if the
event weren't legitimate. Another clue was if I'd felt woozy or drugged
during the event. During a real op, I would not have been drugged.

The implantation of another type of screen memory went like this: by
phone, a male handler would instruct one of my alter-states to meet him at

Memory Manipulation


the ornate carousel atop a small hill in Six Flags Over Georgia, a large
amusement park near Atlanta. Not knowing I was being controlled, I'd tell
Albert I was going to the park for the day to "have fun." When I approached
the carousel, its lights and calliope (organ) music and its rotation and the up
and down movement of the horses quickly put me into a deep trance. 6

Then the man walked towards me and triggered out a compliant
alter-state that recognized him and enjoyed being with him. From there,
he took me on another overseas assignment.

After the op and my debriefing, he brought me back to the carousel, had
me watch it again until I tranced, then implanted a verbal hypnotic sugges-
tion that blocked out all memory of the op. Finally, he melted into the crowd.

When I "came to" and drove home, I didn't know I'd been gone for sev-
eral days. At home and at work, Albert and other local handlers helped
to convince me that I hadn't missed any time at all.

Memory Scrambles

Some handlers hypnotically tricked my mind into seeing something
that was not there, or tricked me into seeing something as other than what
it really was. When I first remembered having been hypnotized that way,
I felt embarrassed and scared. I didn't want to believe anyone could fool
my mind so easily! 7

Stateside handlers used several "themes" to keep me compliant. One
hypnotic trick was to make me "see" flowing molten lava outside a build-
ing, so I didn't dare leave it. (An adult alter-state related that this had
originally been created in my mind when handlers made that alter-state
walk on a bed of burning coals while in a deep trance.)

Some handlers told me to look out a multi- story office building's plate
glass window at a cloud in the sky. They said the cloud was an approach-
ing tornado. They knew that because of my Wizard of Oz programming,
I had a strong fear of tornados. Sometimes they laughed so hard they
doubled over, tears streaming down their faces, as I frantically yelled at
them to follow me, then ran down several flights of stairs to the lowest
level and hid there. At other times, if a helicopter were landing nearby,
they mentally tricked me into believing it was another tornado. 8 Because
the rotors created a strong gust and were noisy, hypnotically tricking me
into seeing a tornado instead of the copter wasn't difficult. 9




1. Although Groome, et al, described how a head concussion can temporarily negate a
person's ability to retain bits and pieces of new memory, their description of its
effects may also explain why the electrical effects of stun guns kept me and other
slave-operatives from retaining certain information: "In all probability the contents
of the STM [short-term, temporary] working memory at the time of the accident are
lost because they have not yet been transferred to the LTM [long-term, permanent
memory storage], and the STM working memory (which depends on conscious
awareness) is put out of action during the period of unconsciousness." (pg. 161)

2. Some followers of Sigmund Freud would probably call this, "hysterical blindness."

3. I've had hundreds of flashbacks of "coming to" while sitting at a strange desk,
surrounded by unfamiliar office workers, then opening a file and panicking because
I didn't know what I was supposed to do with it.

4. Although 666 is a common symbol used by occult practitioners, some mental
predators who are not occult practitioners have used it and other occult symbols to
frighten and intimidate victims who had been ritually abused.

5. Some mind-control victims have even reported being put in full-scale, fake
UFO's that were sometimes moved up and down by hydraulics. In the fake UFO's,
drugged, tranced victims met humans dressed in "alien" costumes. Later, because
of the effects of forcibly administered drugs and Ericksonian hypnosis, the remem-
bering victims weren't able to differentiate between preceding, legitimate events
and the subsequent acted-out UFO scenarios. They also were not able to recognize
that the "alien abductors" were really human. Although some survivors are con-
vinced that their abductors were aliens because they remember them as having
been unnaturally tall, changing the perceived size of perpetrators in the minds of
victims can easily be accomplished through hypnosis. For example, due to
"Gulliver programming," I initially remembered some of my persecutors as being
several inches tall!

In the introduction to one of his fascinating books about true conspiracies in the
US, Alex Constantine wrote:

The "Alien" Invasion-a very active cover story for the development of
mind control technology. Supposedly (as those weird syndicated UFO
television programs keep reminding us) alien scientists have voyaged
millions of light years to place CIA implants in the bodies of human
subjects. This incredible cover story is widely believed-yet most
"skeptics" scoff at the notion that human scientists might want to do
the same thing. The aliens have been pounded into the heads of the
American consumer by a slue of books penned by military intelligence
officers (Psychic Dictatorship, pg. xii).

Memory Manipulation


6. Most mind-control survivors I've been in contact with have specifically
remembered being taken by handlers or family members in the US to Disneyland
(in California) or Disney World (in Florida) for programming sessions, as was I.
I suspect this was done to us for a minimum of two reasons: 1) being in such a
trigger-laden environment would easily cause dissociated individuals to regress
into childlike states of consciousness; and 2) the overwhelming colors, shapes,
sights, movement, and sounds-added to mental and physical fatigue-could easily
cause dissociated individuals to go into a lengthy hypnotic trance.

7. Dr. Elizabeth Loftus, a FMSF spokesperson and self-proclaimed "memory expert,"
has generously provided the mind-control survivor community with irrefutable
proof that, by using regression and hypnotic techniques on unsuspecting adult sub-
jects, a professional can convince a fair percentage of them that they either experi-
enced or saw something that didn't happen the way they remembered, or that they
experienced something that didn't occur at all. If Loftus could accomplish these
results by using benign, harmless techniques in controlled settings, imagine what
could be implanted in a survivor's mind by using terror, coercion, sleep deprivation,
food deprivation, hostile environments, drugs, Ericksonian hypnosis, Neuro-
Linguistic Programming (NLP), and more.

8. It would be just as easy to hypnotically implant a screen memory in a victim's mind
of the helicopter being a UFO.

9. Carla Emery explained this hypnotic technique:

Words act as conditioned stimuli in a totally mechanistic, automatistic
way when the subject is deeply hypnotized. During hypnosis, the con-
scious mind, one of whose functions is to keep us hitched to reality, has
been turned off. The conscious is not there to interpret or deny. The
unconscious is literal and, frequently, obedient. When the subject's
conscious mind is turned off because of hypnosis, language takes the
place of reality. If the hypnotist says, "You see a cat waltzing alone in
pink pajamas," you might see exactly that. (pg. 209)


Ecclesia Split

While Albert and I lived in Waukegan, Dad and Mom occasionally
paid for us to either drive or fly to Atlanta to visit them in their separate
homes. Pastor Bob and Richard kept insisting that God wanted us to stay
in Illinois. Angry that I still refused to relocate, Albert started coming
home late at night from nearby taverns. Each time, he was so drunk, the
fumes nearly knocked me out. He'd lie on our mattress on the floor and
cry about how miserable he was. His incessant complaining made me
feel like crap. I tried so hard to please him by being a good and godly
wife; and yet, he still wasn't happy.

To protect myself from the pain of not being loved or accepted by my
husband, I clung harder to the church and to the Apostle's teachings.
Pastor Bob, Richard and Barbara assured me if I kept obeying the Word
of God, Albert would eventually submit to their authority. They said that
once Albert obeyed, our family would live in harmony.

We probably would have divorced, had Ecclesia Fellowship not
unexpectedly split. It began when Pastor Bob and Barbara flew to
Anaheim, California, as they'd done several times in the past, to visit
with Apostle Stevens in his home. When they returned home this time,
they were noticeably troubled. The next Sunday, Bob told our congregation
that Stevens was no longer living for God. Barbara later stated that she had
learned-true or not, I don't know-that Stevens had become an alcoholic,
was committing adultery, and was consulting with astrologers.

Bob said he knew his personal decision to break away from the
Apostle's authority would not be acceptable to any members who still
chose to follow Stevens. He asked the church members to fast and pray,
asking God what they should do-start a new church with Bob as their
pastor, or stay in the Walk. Many of the younger adults chose to stay in
the Walk under Stevens's authority. They relocated to a smaller church
that we'd recently helped start in southern Illinois.

Bob's decision helped to break what I believe was John Robert
Stevens's long-distance hypnotic control over my mind-and the minds of




many other gullible believers. I was finally free to question what the
Apostle had taught. Elated, Albert demanded that I discard all my Living
Word cassette tapes and printed materials. As I obeyed, I felt as if I were
going into physical withdrawal.

Local Church

A young, red-bearded friend of Albert invited us to go with him to
downtown Chicago to attend church meetings held by another Christian
group that identified itself as the "Church in Chicago." It was part of an
international religious organization, the Local Church. The Local Church
was led by a small, balding man named Witness Lee. He claimed to have
been a disciple of one of Korea's famous Christians, Watchman Nee.

At these new meetings, my first lesson in how to pray the Local
Church way was to cluck my tongue once, then say: "Oh . . . Lord . . .
7esus." The men and women in the Church in Chicago were very
friendly. They used a technique I've since learned is called "love bomb-
ing." Someone always invited us to eat and rest in their home on Sunday
afternoon so we could go to the evening service before returning home.


When I finally agreed to move back to Atlanta, I discovered I'd
accrued enough hours as a temp worker to receive two weeks' vacation
pay. That same week, a young couple from the Church in Chicago came
to visit us and gave us $300, saying it was from God. I believed these
were signs from God that confirmed we were to return to Georgia.

After we loaded up the car and traveled to Atlanta, Dad and his new
wife invited us to stay in their home in an older subdivision in the out-
skirts of the city.

Local Airport

After several months of living with Dad and his wife, we found a
second-floor apartment at Cumberland Court, a low-rent complex in



Chamblee, Georgia. Our new apartment was within walking distance of
Dad's house. It was also close to Peachtree DeKalb Airport, a small air
field used mostly by light planes.

I didn't know that sometimes I was flown from that airport to be
briefed and prepped for ops. In fact, I had no conscious memory of ever
going there. Although I've not yet found any evidence that Dad ever had
a pilot's license, I've had several memories of him flying me from the
airport and back in small aircraft.

I doubted these memories until a private investigator reminded me that
because my father had been a flight engineer during his four-year stint in
the Air Force, he would have known how to fly small planes. Another
professional explained that often when a person "borrows" an owner's
plane, he gets away with it by not having to present a pilot's license.

Aryan Cult Network

I was unaware that Dad was manipulating some of my younger alter-
states to go to cult meetings in Atlanta and Cobb County, officiated by
local Aryan associates. Although some of their criminal occult
rituals were similar to what I'd experienced in Pennsylvania, the north
Georgia Aryan network focused more on the manufacturing and sales of
illegal drugs and pornography. Unfortunately, as in Pennsylvania,
pedophilia seemed to be the norm, as was the horrification and torture of
their victims-particularly children and women. Further, I was forced to
help Dad and some of the leaders when they transported children who,
Dad claimed, were being bought and sold through their extensive,
lucrative black marketing network.

In Pennsylvania, Dad's cult had often used dogs, snakes, and an
occasional circus-trained lion in bestiality porn shoots. The Cobb County
Aryan network's leaders seemed to prefer using domesticated animals,
including trained dogs, although they also sometimes used tamed wildcats.

Unfortunately, when several children victimized within the network tes-
tified about the wildcats in court in the late 1980s, they were disbelieved.
As with that jury, most people are unaware that owning a large, tamed
wildcat is a status symbol among certain groups of black-marketers. 1

Dad continued to break child victims' minds, creating pliable altered
states of consciousness they weren't aware of. In the mid-1970s, Dad had



easy access to a large, two-story warehouse in Atlanta. On Saturdays, he
and several male associates brought children there to be traumatized and
mentally programmed.

Although he now used mannequins with fake blood to traumatize the
children, he still insisted that the children use knives to kill baby animals
on plain, cafeteria- sized tables. Doing this served several purposes:
1) the children had to suppress their consciences before they could kill
the innocent baby animals; 2) they then developed perpetrator alter- states
that didn't mind killing; and 3) even if they remembered, they wouldn't
tell anyone, because Dad and the other men told them everyone would
hate them for killing the animals.

Because the warehouse's exits were always guarded on the inside by
men, my cult-conditioned alter-states didn't try to break and run. They
believed there was no escape. Dad was also careful to always make
another alter- state take over whenever I left the building, so I would not
remember what had just occurred inside. And as I was being transported
home, whoever drove me would verbally trigger out several more alter-
states in succession so that, by the time I arrived home, the memory of
the warehouse was completely gone. Dad and his criminal associates
called this technique "information compartmentalization."

Dad taught several of the local Aryan leaders (including a man I'll
name "J.C.") how to trigger out and use several of my child alter-states.
Because these alter-states hadn't developed mentally or emotionally, they
didn't feel old enough to be a parent and therefore didn't accept respon-
sibility for Emily's welfare. Because Emily had no way of knowing this,
she believed that sometimes her mother didn't care if those people hurt
her terribly.

Some of the Aryan leaders called themselves "Southern Gentlemen"-
an oxymoron. They told my participating child parts what to do during
hardcore rituals and kiddy porn shoots. The rituals also were used to cre-
ate more screen memories in my mind. When I remembered them in the
early 1990s, their horror blocked out memories of preceding, covert
assignments-for a while.

My forced participation in the Aryan occult rituals was also used to
blackmail some of my adult alter-states into performing more assassinations.
Dad and other professional handlers repeatedly told these parts that if they
went on ops, they wouldn't have to perform illegal acts in rituals and
wouldn't have to see more children being hurt. Then they reassured the



alter-states that the CIA would cover for them at home so they wouldn't
be arrested for any stateside (ritual and porn) crimes that they were
forced to perform.

Albert also participated in some of the local Aryan occult rituals, and
often transported us to them. He seemed to do whatever Dad wanted,
even taking me to a specialized facility where I was repeatedly drugged
and electro-shocked. This usually was done when I became noticeably
depressed or agitated at home and sat on our carpeted floor in the hall-
way or bedroom, holding my head in my hands and crying out, "I have a
whirlwind in my head!" (These whirlwinds seemed to consist of rapid
thoughts and images that circled nonstop in my mind-some survivors
call this phenomena "rapid switching" of alter-states.)

In the 1990s, when I first remembered Albert's many betrayals, I felt
hurt and angry. To be fair, however, I had to consider that Dad might have
blackmailed him into compliance and silence.

One reason I think this is possible is that, in the early 1980s, after
Albert suddenly refused to have further contact with Dad, Albert kept
ranting about how when "they" came to get him, he'd "take out" as many
of them as he could before they killed him. At that time, I thought his
mind had snapped-especially when he refused to say who "they" were.
Now, I believe he was terrified that members of the Aryan network might
kill him for breaking away from their control. 2

In spite of Albert's animosity towards Dad, however, he had a streak
of racism that perhaps helped him feel comfortable around some of the
other white supremacists. He shared many of their beliefs, possibly
because he was raised by a Nazi stepfather.

As an example: when Emily was about six years old, Albert repeatedly
told her and me that if she ever had a "nigger's" baby, he'd disown her.
He was angry when he said this, irrationally behaving as if she'd already
become pregnant.

Albert nursed a terrible hatred towards Blacks. Sometimes he deliber-
ately drove too close behind small cars driven by elderly Black women,
deliberately terrorizing them and making frightening faces at them. Each
time, I felt so embarrassed, I slid down in my seat. When we'd be near a
Black male, Albert would usually sneer and call the man a "jigaboo." He
clearly believed that people with darker skin were inferior, and avoided
walking near or talking to any of them.



Whenever he drove past a government-subsidized housing project in
Lawrenceville, Georgia, he sneered at the Black children playing outside
between the rows of single-story buildings, calling them "yard apes" and
"jungle bunnies." Because I didn't remember the Aryan meetings, I didn't
understand where he got those strange words.

I was alarmed by his behaviors and often felt ashamed to be his wife. He
seemed to be so full of hatred and rage-I prayed constantly to God
to touch his soul and make him the good man I sensed he had the capacity
to be. I wasn't willing to accept that God can't force any person to do or
become anything, against that person's will. I needed many more years to
realize that, unlike most of the male figures in my life, God was not a perp.

Child Victims

Because Dad created and conditioned most of my programmed alter-
states, he knew which buttons to push, which triggers to use, and which
parts to pull out to perform specific activities. He was careful never to
trigger out a child-rescuer part when he wanted me to help him do awful
things to children.

He and his criminal associates enjoyed using victims to harm and
traumatize each other. They reminded me of prison guards who choose
prisoners to harm each other for the guards' entertainment. By having
victim #1 perform an act against victim #2 while the controller stands in
the shadows or in another room, victim #2 will believe that victim #1 was

Forgiving myself for obeying Dad has been hard work. I've had to
accept that I was weak. I broke. I reached my limits of endurance again
and again, until I did whatever he and his criminal associates commanded.
Holding onto undeserved guilt has also been a sneaky way to avoid
remembering how weak and helpless I'd felt, having had no control over
the situation.

When Dad made me do terrible things to children, he used a control
technique that he'd first developed when he'd forced me to participate in
murderous rituals as a young child. Each time, Dad gave me a choice
between performing a greater or lesser evil-a classic double -bind. Either
way I went, I ended up believing I was guilty and therefore a monster.



Based on Dad's specific instructions, I could either hurt the child, or
he would take over and torture the child before carrying out my original

Dad's threat of torturing a child was always given to me away from
the child's hearing. The victim had no way of knowing that my disobedience
could lead to the victim's being brutally tortured. Because Dad made sure
the child saw me participate without a struggle, I believed that each child
saw me as a willing perpetrator. That especially broke my heart.

Because Dad controlled when my cult alter-states came out and when
they went back under, those parts couldn't stay conscious long enough to
be able to report the crimes. He also ensured my continuing cooperation
by telling those alter-states that if they did report the crimes, they would
go to prison. He never mentioned the word "coercion."

Because my alter-states didn't know they were not guilty for what
they'd been forced to do, they believed they were just as guilty and mon-
strous as Dad.

Although those alter-states believed his threats and did whatever he
commanded, the alter-states initially felt different towards J.C., the Cobb
County Aryan leader. They weren't so sure that he'd carry out similar
threats if they dared disobey.

The first time he told an alter-state what to do to a brown-haired
boy for a porn shoot, that alter-state chose to disobey him rather than
traumatize the boy. Livid with rage, J.C. came into the room, dragged
the boy into another room, and tortured him by using a branding iron
heated red-hot on a portable barbeque grill. Later, J.C. convinced this
alter-state that my rebelliousness had caused the boy to be tortured. The
lesson went deep; all of my cult alter-states obeyed J.C.'s instructions
from then on.

Although they were careful to obey Dad and J.C, these alter-states
still attempted to secretly soothe and comfort the young victims-since
the men didn't say they couldn't. If the alter-states believed they weren't
being watched, they whispered words of encouragement into the chil-
dren's ears. Seeing no way out, these parts believed they could best help
the children from within the system.

If a child was to be bathed as a preparation for ritual sacrifice, my
parts bathed the child gently and soothingly, looking directly into the
child's eyes the entire time. These parts knew that for some children,
death was a mercy, compared to what they'd have to endure each day as



slaves. My parts wanted each child to know that someone did care. They
did the best they could in each evil situation.

My professional handlers knew I would much rather be given pain
than witness children being tortured. And when I was forced to harm
children, I took on the controllers' disowned guilt as my own.


1. In the early 1990s, several of the children's adult relatives told me that a female
therapist in North Georgia, who had believed the children's stories and had planned
to testify for them, was brutally murdered-officially as the result of a robbery

2. Through personal experience, I've learned that about 90% of the threats made to
mind-control and ritual abuse victims are never carried out. Oftentimes, perpetrators
believe if they can hurt and terrorize victims while they still have control over them,
then if the victims decide to leave, the internalized terror and memories of torture
and horrification are usually strong enough to influence them to give up and go back
without a single threat being carried out. The use of threats to control the minds of
victims is not an unfamiliar tactic. Time magazine 2/10/97, "By the Book":

To the growing list of popular "how to" manuals, add this release from the
CIA, recently made public under a Freedom of Information request from
the Baltimore Sun. The agency says it no longer follows the rules of the
124-page 1983 "human resource" handbook, used to train security forces
in Latin American countries, which includes passages on mental torture:
"A threat is basically a means for establishing a bargaining position by
inducing fear in the subject. A threat should never be made unless it is part
of the plan and the 'questioner' has the approval to carry out the threat.
When a threat is used, it should always be implied that the subject him-
self is to blame by using words such as, 'You leave me no other choice
but to . . .' He should never be told to comply 'or else!' The threat of coer-
cion usually weakens or destroys resistance more effectively than coer-
cion itself. For example, the threat to inflict pain can trigger fears more
damaging than the immediate sensation of pain. In fact, most people
underestimate their capacity to withstand pain. In general, direct physical
brutality creates only resentment, hostility, and further defiance." (pg. 21)

After 9/11, President George W. Bush and numerous other government officials
constantly used the media to attack certain foreign leaders as either being terrorists
or promoters of terrorism. This can be perceived as hypocritical, because what
employees of our government and their associates have done to the minds and lives
of mind-control victims is a working definition of terrorism. The ongoing traumas



and mental torture perpetrated against these victims literally changed their brain
chemistry. Added to that are the implanted threats that operate 24/7 in their minds,
at least on an unconscious level. The perpetrators' terroristic threats can still
dictate their actions, dampen their hope, sap their energy and strength, isolate them
from the rest of humanity, and cut short any sense of a future.

Cover Positions

Reinsurance Clerk

As I continued to be taken to rituals and professionally handled on
covert ops, I needed a plausible cover-a seemingly normal life that
would hide the existence of the other activities.

My first full-time job was at a small insurance company in downtown
Atlanta. I was hired to temporarily fill the position of reinsurance clerk,
held by a petite, black-haired woman who handled large sums of premi-
ums paid to reinsurance companies like General Re and Munich
American, to insure the solvency of the policies issued by the agency. The
volatile woman would soon go on maternity leave, and was understandably
outraged that I'd been interviewed and hired without her knowledge.

During my initial training, she deliberately withheld essential informa-
tion to sabotage my success as her replacement. I basically trained
myself while she was gone, using her previous work as my guide.

Both before and after her leave, she screamed at me nearly every day,
making cruel remarks in the presence of the other office workers. Each
time she screamed, I froze. When she finished her tirade, I hurried to the
bathroom to cry. My face was always blotchy and red when I returned to
my desk. Then she smiled triumphantly and berated me more. The other
employees were concerned about me. They didn't know I wasn't able to
assert myself with her because I'd been a victim of both men and women
for many years.

Before she returned from her maternity leave, a new supervisor tried
to convince me to be the clerk's permanent assistant. I declined. To the
best of my knowledge, while I worked there, I was sent out on covert ops
on weekends, when I called in sick (the flu always made a great cover),
or when I was on "vacation." 1

Maryland Casualty

My next full-time employment was with Maryland Casualty Company
at the insurance company's regional office located in a sprawling office




park, north of Atlanta. To the best of my memory, all of my positions at that
company were actively used as covers for my participation in covert ops.

Because nearly all of my supervisors and managers at Maryland
Casualty appeared to be directly complicit in covering-up for my
absences, I couldn't separate my feelings about the ops from my feelings
about working there. When Albert dropped me off at the front entrance
of the flat-roofed, one-story building, I usually cried. Each time I prepared
to enter the building, an invisible darkness seemed to crush my soul.
I have never forgotten telling Albert that Maryland Casualty reminded
me of the song, Hotel California, "You can check out any time you like,
but you can never leave." 2

Because my mind was constantly active, typing insurance policies and
endorsements bored me silly. After six months, I transferred to another
room where I worked as a CRT operator for a year and a half, inputting
pages of cryptic codes from insurance policy files. After that, I trans-
ferred to the Commercial Casualty Department located in the front part
of the building. There, I was an insurance policy rater/coder.

Pam, our department's middle-aged supervisor, was petite with short
auburn hair. I quickly learned to fear her, and tried hard to avoid
angering her. Because Pam's behaviors reminded me of my childhood
relationship with my mother, I developed an emotionally conflicted
relationship with her. Unfortunately for me, she used my fear of her
anger and stern disapproval, as well as shaming tactics, to keep me under
tight control.

Our department's manager, Clyde, was a tall, middle-aged man with
short, thinning brown hair. He usually wore a plain, long-sleeved white
shirt, dark suit, and glasses. His bald manager, Fritz, usually sat quietly
in his own cubicle and said little to anyone. Clyde soon became my
substitute father figure.

Pam and Clyde seemed to cultivate similar childlike loyalties in many
of the other young female workers in our department. Pam also used her
religiosity and moral recriminations to keep us compliant. Tension often
built up between those female raters who vied for Pam's attention and
approval. Because tempers often ran high, a common expression was,
"The shit just hit the fan."

At that time, if I'd been told that my positions were cover jobs, I would
have said the idea was pure craziness. I didn't know what I couldn't

Cover Positions


Because I enjoyed being a rater/coder, I was rarely bored. Whenever
I'd learned everything that I could at my current level of expertise, Pam
encouraged me to attain more training. Since I received a raise every six
months during my employment at Maryland Casualty, I believed I must
be a highly valued worker.

After several years, our regional office transferred to a large new
building near Perimeter Mall, located in a wealthy section of north
Atlanta. The building had a huge multi- story atrium with dining tables,
water fountains, and a long goldfish pond that many employees tossed
pennies into for good luck.

Around that same time, Albert and I hunted for our first house. Still
in control of our money, he claimed we couldn't afford more than the
most basic home. In August, 1982, we found a tiny new pine-sided,
three-bedroom, one-bath house on Cedars Road, out past the sleepy old
town of Lawrenceville. Although we had no air conditioning in the hot
summer and only small space heaters to warm us in the winter, I was
ecstatic-finally, we had our own home!

Because we now lived an hour's drive from both of our jobs, Albert
tired of transporting me. For a while, he encouraged me to rely on co-
workers to drive me to work and back. When that was no longer an option,
he agreed to let me purchase a small car of my own. (Still phobic about
driving, I didn't obtain a driver's license until I was in my late twenties.)

I chose a new white Mazda GLC hatchback with standard transmis-
sion and blue-gray interior. When Albert tried to teach me how to drive
it on the rural country roads near our home, he made me so nervous,
I insisted on teaching myself. Within hours, I drove fine! I didn't know
that I'd become co-conscious with an alter-state that had been driving
since I was a teenager.

I felt more in control of my life as I drove to work and back each day.
And yet, at work and at home, I was still being controlled.

Sitting at my desk each day, I helped to process huge stacks of files.
Our copies of the business insurance policies, endorsements (changes),
cancellations, audits, underwriters' policy renewal instructions, and our
own sheets of coding were stapled inside the off-white manila files.

Any of the files that were jacketed by extra blue or red folders were to
be processed first, because they either had large premiums that needed to
be input on the computer ASAP, or they were so old, we could get in
trouble with state auditors for not having processed them yet. Although



I tried to please Pam by working hard and fast, she always seemed to
expect more from me. I usually enjoyed that challenge.

When Pam had first hired me, she'd agreed I would never have to work
overtime. She broke her word when she and Clyde insisted that every
rater must work overtime, either during weekdays or on weekends.

This was a problem, because I was often transported at night to Aryan
meetings, and was exhausted from going on ops, doing my regular job,
driving an hour each way to work and back, and now working overtime.
It was more than my mind and body could endure.

One Saturday, I came to work early in the morning. When I sat down
at my desk, I broke into tears. Surprised, Pam asked what was wrong.
I held out my arm to her and said, "What does Clyde want? My blood?"
Although they let me go home that day, the pressure to work overtime
continued unabated. I was constantly exhausted and sick.

I didn't know enough about healthy boundaries to recognize that Pam was
overly controlling and intrusive about my personal life. Therefore, I didn't
think it strange when she told me what to do at home, as well as on the job.

I wanted to believe Pam when she claimed to be a godly Christian.
I couldn't accept the alternate reality-that she and Clyde not only were
not concerned about my health; they were deliberately using my mental
programming to control and handle me. My belief that Pam was a devout
Christian clashed with the hidden knowledge that she was not what she
claimed to be. That clash created cognitive dissonance in my mind; one
of the two sets of knowledge must be repressed. Believing that Pam was
"good" was preferable to knowing that she was actively and willingly
betraying me.

Because I repressed all memories of Pam and Clyde's covert activities
as assigned handlers, I was shocked and dismayed when I discovered that
for years, Pam had deliberately withheld information from me that
directly affected my professional future.

Her betrayal fueled my anger, helping me to break loose from her
control. I quietly inquired about rating positions at nearby insurance
companies. An elderly female co-worker told me she'd been hired to
work at Cotton States, another insurance company about a mile away.
At her suggestion, I applied there and was quickly hired.

When I gave Pam my required two-week notice, she was icy cold
and wouldn't speak to me unless absolutely necessary. Not having
encountered that side of her before, I was deeply hurt. 3

Cover Positions


One day, I took some of my personal possessions from my desk outside
to my car during a coffee break. When I returned, Pam furiously yelled at
me in front of the other raters, informing me that from then on, she would
inspect everything I took from my desk. I was stunned by her sudden dis-
trust and by the realization that although I'd worked closely with her for
five years, I didn't really know her. After that, leaving was easy.

In the 1990s, I pieced together enough information from my journals to
know that much of my seven years of employment at Maryland Casualty
was a front for other activities. To the best of my understanding, I often
reported to work and then left the building-sometimes for days — to do
covert ops under the control of one or more professional handlers.

Occasionally, Clyde or Pam were my handlers for local activities. I've
had several vivid memories of Clyde driving me from Maryland Casualty
to the Fort Gillem Army base south of Atlanta, to meet with spooks in
rooms and corridors hidden beneath one of its small buildings. I've also
remembered that on at least one occasion, Clyde personally handled me
on an overseas assignment. I've also had numerous memories of Pam's
involvement in Cobb County Aryan meetings and activities.

One alter-state journaled that Clyde's manager, Fritz, had privately
told that alter-state that my personnel records had been doctored so if
anyone asked about my unusual number of absences, my records would
show that I was in the Army Reserves. I don't know if this is true, since
I was never permitted to see that part of my personnel file.

Pam also told some of my alter-states that she covered for my absences
by telling other raters that I'd gone to other branch offices or to the
Baltimore home office for "special training" (I never did). Because Pam
was in charge of our vacation schedules, she chose when I could take
days off. Sometimes, if I felt exhausted from an op, she encouraged me
to take the rest of the day off to recuperate. Not knowing that I'd just
come home from a stress-filled op, I believed her when she said I had a
24-hour virus. 4

On numerous occasions, both Albert and Pam suggested I take Emily
to visit my mother and her second husband in South Carolina. I didn't know
that after my arrival, they often triggered out alter-states and drove me to
nearby airports to go on more ops while keeping Emily at their house as a
coercive measure, ensuring that I would comply with my assigned handlers.

When I first remembered that my positions at Maryland Casualty
were covers, I was very upset. How could I have been gone for days at



a time, leaving my desk at the drop of a hat, with no questions asked?
Damn it, I'd worked hard for my pay! I was a good worker!

As the memories continued to emerge with remarkable consistency and
vividness, I realized I had probably been given semi-annual raises to keep
me from seeking other employment. I also realized that, because of the
way our department's file distribution system had been set up, any
rater/coder could have easily completed another's work. This may be one
reason why I had often started working on a complicated file, then had later
discovered it had been completed by someone else-often by Pam herself.

Pam and Clyde had repeatedly reminded the Commercial Casualty
rater/coders that the Baltimore home office required all workers to
maintain and update our bulky, red-jacketed "desk manuals," so that no
employee would be indispensable. Each desk manual contained indexed,
handwritten, detailed instructions on how to perform any task handled by
any person sitting at that station. In other words, any person could have
completed my files while I was away.

When I finally accepted that my employment there had been a cover,
I felt miserable. Pam had repeatedly told me I was one of their best work-
ers. What a blow to discover I probably wasn't! Worse, Albert had been
actively complicit. My bosses, Albert, my mother and her husband,
Dad . . . had anyone in my life not betrayed me?

Even several co-workers, who Pam had assigned to drive me to work
and back and to befriend me away from work, had been used to help
transport me for ops !

I'd been raised from early childhood to believe that my value as a
human was based on what I did, instead of who I was. Learning that
I hadn't earned my pay was a powerful blow to my fragile self-esteem.

Cotton States

After I left Maryland Casualty and started working at Cotton States, I
felt better about myself. We were treated with respect, and our employ-
ment benefits were excellent. Although I still don't know if my position
there was a cover, I've consistently remembered that at least two super-
visors had also handled me away from the building. I've also repeatedly
remembered having taken solo walks outdoors during lunch breaks,
strolling around the white Marriott hotel less than a block away. On the

Cover Positions


far side, I met briefly with a male spook who waited for me in a white
car. Each time, I gave him information and he gave me new instructions.

Covert Activities

When I had worked at Maryland Casualty, several of my professional
handlers had come there during the day to transport me. Although I
didn't recognize them as they walked towards my desk, some of my
alter-states emerged, happy to be with them again. With a nod from
Clyde or Pam, these parts followed the handlers out to their waiting

One of my regular handlers claimed to be with the CIA's Directorate
of Operations. He was fairly handsome and charismatic with short,
blond hair. He called himself "Jed," which he said was short for
"Jedediah"-I'm sure that was an alias.

When he came there to transport me, Jed usually drove a sporty white
Jaguar. He convinced several of my female alter-states that he was my legal
husband. Because those alter-states didn't know of my life at home and
didn't know that Albert was my husband, they believed Jed. Compliance
came easy, because he gave those alter-states gentle, attentive sex.

These op alter-states loved going on trips with Jed and other alleged
CIA handlers. One of Jed's sidekicks was a heavyset, wide-built man
with fairly short, slightly wavy orange-red hair and a full beard. I rarely
met with Jed in his office (if it really was his), without the red-bearded
man standing close by-perhaps for extra protection.

When Jed called me at home, he first played the recording of a fax
machine's wavy tones. My mind always short-circuited when I heard those
tones, because one should hear them when calling a phone number that has
an active fax machine. (We didn't have one in our home.) The resulting
cognitive dissonance quickly put me into a trance. Then Jed spoke, and one
of my CIA-loyal parts emerged to do exactly as he commanded. 5

Once in a while, Dad acted as my local assigned handler. After trigger-
ing out a compliant alter-state over the phone, he gave that part specific
instructions. Albert never intervened or argued when those parts said they
had to leave. Each time, Dad told the triggered-out traveler alter-states
that if they didn't do exactly what he and the other handlers said, he
would personally kill Emily.



Believing my father's threat, each alter-state obediently drove to a con-
tact point where an awaiting handler triggered out another alter-state to
begin the next leg of the journey. These adult alter-states instinctively
knew I couldn't survive the pain of losing another precious child.
Although they hadn't emotionally bonded with Emily, they understood
that if I died, so would they-since we inhabited the same body.

Although my handlers used my compartmentalized rage to do kills,
that powerful emotion rarely emerged away from their control. In fact,
I would often isolate or walk long distances, alone, to keep from hurting
anyone if I felt angry. If it did unexpectedly emerge at home, I either told
Emily to go to a friend's house, or to lock herself in her bedroom from
the inside. Although we both knew I could easily use a wire hanger to
open it, the temporary barrier gave me enough time to regain control and
avoid hurting her.

My rage had been with me for many years. When I was fourteen, I had
stabbed my oldest brother in the forearm with the pointed end of my
styling comb after a ritual alter-state was accidentally triggered out while
watching a TV movie, Brothers of the Bell. After I came back to con-
sciousness, I was horrified at what I'd done, and cried and begged him to
please not tell our parents. As far as I know, he never did. 6

As an adult, the closest I'd ever come to consciously hurting a man
was when Albert approached me menacingly in our bedroom in
Lawrenceville one afternoon in a fit of rage. He shoved me backwards
onto our bed, his fist balled, ready to punch me. An op alter-state
emerged, raised my knees to my chest, pushed my feet against his mid-
section, then lifted and slammed him backwards into the wall. I was
astonished and pleased that I'd done this to him; in turn, he never tried to
physically assault me again.

Before my recovery, none of my assassin alter-states had emerged at
home. When Dad murdered Rose, a new adult part had split off from my
consciousness. Dad and other professional handlers code-named that
male part, "Dark." He visualized himself as tall and muscular. He'd inter-
nalized Dad's overwhelming, murderous personality, to make himself
equal to and unafraid of Dad. To keep that part under control and separate
from my consciousness, Dad and others tortured him with electricity.

After the severe electrical torture, this alter-state was unable to
connect with me or any other alter-state. He was also emotionally discon-
nected from the rest of humanity. He served only one function: to kill.

Cover Positions


Once in a while, local handlers took this alter-state to a private home
in Cobb County. In warm weather, the back yard contained a garden full
of flowers and vegetable plants. Sometimes the handlers instructed this
alter-state to take care of the plants by watering them and weeding
around them. Although he wasn't capable of emotionally connecting
with humans, this alter-state did develop a bond with "his" plants,
perhaps because they subconsciously represented Rose.

When my professional handlers wanted this part to perform an espe-
cially reprehensible assassination, they took him back to the garden and
forced him to stand and watch as they used a flame-thrower to cremate
the plants. That killed what was left of the alter-state's ability to bond
with any living creature.

After that, he was a stone cold killing machine with zero remorse or
guilt. His only remaining pleasure was in doing each job well. Although
he hated and despised everything that lived, he hated and despised
himself most of all. And although he had a strong survival instinct, he
dreaded facing another day of totally dark existence. He held the greatest
emotional and psychic pain of any of my parts and was, more than any
other alter-state, the wandering dead.

Some of my other specialized black op parts had been trained to disarm
and kill hostage takers by pretending to be intellectually challenged.
Those parts had no fear of weapons, having been taught that most peo-
ple who hold a loaded gun are just as afraid as the targeted individual.

Although I was never allowed access to a gun at home, I used various
kinds on ops. Since my forearms and wrists weren't as strong as a man's,
I was more comfortable using smaller handguns. Because my aim was
excellent (grey eyes are a plus), using a smaller-caliber weapon wasn't a

I was fortunate to also have the ability to see bullets coming at me
in slow motion. I always had enough time to shift my body so they went
past me. 7

I also speeded up, physically and mentally, during dangerous ops. This
may have been due to a powerful adrenaline rush paired with the effects
of repetitive training. While my opponents fumbled for their guns, I'd
already taken aim and formulated my next moves. While they were still
raising their guns to shoot me, I easily picked off one or two of them.

These special abilities were invaluable, because I could go after more
than one man at a time in a hazardous situation and come out alive



and unharmed. Most of my spook handlers were so cowardly, they sent
me in alone to take care of a situation during sniper and hostage interven-
tions. My op alter-states never complained, however, because they'd
been conditioned to believe they were disposable and dispensable. They
fought to survive each op so they could go home, not knowing where
home was.

During some nighttime ops, I emerged from a van (usually white,
unmarked, and paneled) that my handlers parked out of sight, a block or
two from a target's house. One of the handlers in the van monitored me
via a tiny two-way radio device, reminiscent of a wireless hearing aid, that
he inserted in my right ear. This way, the handler could hear what was
happening and could give me more instructions, if needed. If a controlled
alter-state accidentally froze or went under, the handler could verbally
trigger out a second op-trained part to take over and complete the job.

Due to long-term exposure to criminal occult rituals, I felt comfortable
with all kinds of knives-I still do. 8 As long as the blade was sharp,
I carried out my orders with ease. On at least one occasion, I wore a
leather contraption around my right wrist and forearm, the spring-
released blade positioned against the inside of my forearm, hidden by a
long sleeve. I didn't like that device because it was too awkward to use.
The simpler the weapon, the more I liked it.

My MKNAOMI-programmed alter-states had limited training in the
use and administration of deadly chemicals. A typical assignment
involved my carrying a small plastic container of Vaseline in a purse. As
instructed, I pushed the point of a long hatpin from the bottom/inside of
the purse, outwards through a reinforced corner, making sure the point of
the pin was directed away from my body as I carried the purse over my
right shoulder. I then extracted the Vaseline container, opened it, and
dipped the exposed point into a small, clear pool of liquid floating atop
the petroleum jelly.

After coating the point and giving it time to dry, I then walked up to a
male target and pretended to accidentally bump him with my purse,
careful to scratch his skin through his clothes. Because the targeted
individual didn't understand that he'd been fatally assaulted, I always
had sufficient time to leave the area before anyone noticed me.

Some of my MKNAOMI parts were also sent into buildings to "paint"
a clear substance onto a doorknob that a targeted individual was expected
to use, usually while under surveillance. Some of these parts were even
used to insert, or smear, clear substances onto targeted individuals' personal

Cover Positions


items in their homes, especially toothbrushes and the open ends of then-
tubes of toothpaste. 9

When the first alter-state with biochemical training emerged in the early
1990s, she identified herself as Naomi. Unlike other black op alter-states,
she was neither rageful nor emotionally cold-she'd simply done her job. 10

A bulky, lightweight handgun that at least one op trained part had used
(against a sniper) seemed to have been made of dark colored plastic. It
could shoot three types of plastic cartridges that were color-coded: red,
blue and yellow. That alter-state was told that each cartridge contained a
unique deadly substance. Not only did the weapon pass through a metal
detector; had it been examined, it probably would have been mistaken for
a child's toy.

The hardest part of being overseas was that my black op alter-states
couldn't remember who I was and where home was. They were more
disconnected from me than my traveler alter-states were. This was, in part,
because my op-trained alter-states had been created through extreme torture.
Because they were blank slate alter-states, they didn't have my morals.

They were rarely allowed to carry any identification. If they did, the
identification was always fake. Because they didn't know who they were,
they assumed they were the person that the papers, travel visas, driver's
licenses, etc. identified me as being. This helped the alter-states to pass
through inspection points without appearing suspicious.

To keep any of my alter-states from breaking control and making an
emergency phone call when someone was injured or killed, some of my
mental programmers had exposed me to fake violence, then had let me
"escape" into a room that had a phone. Each time I'd picked up the phone
and dialed "0" to report the mock injury or death, a fake operator had
answered and then either changed the subject or convinced the alter-state
that local authorities didn't have time to deal with the problem. This
conditioned the alter-states to believe there was no point in calling for
medical aid if an injury or death occurred on a real assignment.

On most overseas ops, at least one specialized alter-state was made
to memorize a temporary emergency number in case something went
wrong. Such phone calls were occasionally unavoidable-handlers,
op partners, and even assigned clients were occasionally injured or killed.
At those times, my alter-states usually required further instructions.

In later years, several of my alter-states were temporarily given a
small, black cell phone. All the alter-states had to do was press the "0"
button, then a spook contact answered, posing as a phone company



operator. These alter-states were trained to ignore what the operator said.
When they gave a pre-arranged identifier code and reported the current
circumstances, the fake operator stopped talking and transferred the call
to a spook handler, who gave new instructions.

A particularly unpleasant assignment, after botched overseas ops, was
to dismember dead spooks' bodies so they could be buried, undetected,
in pieces. I was made to believe this was standard fare for overseas ops.
I was told that local authorities couldn't be allowed to know the CIA was
operating clandestinely in their jurisdiction. My op parts were also told
that if I died overseas, my body would be disposed of the same way. 11

Since Dad and other men had taught several of my alter-states how to
dismember bodies in rituals, funeral homes, and in other closed environ-
ments, those parts became good at it. To stay sane, I developed one
female alter-state that mentally did mathematical equations while cutting
up the bodies. To this day, I visually "remember" numbers instead of the
body parts and blood.

Some bodies were disposed of, stateside. At such times, a professional
handler came to wherever I was and said that he had a job for "Angel."
That emerging Angel alter-state (I had several with that code-name)
specialized in body disposal, via acid. Although Angel was told that the
bodies were deceased operatives, it is quite possible that they weren't. 12

Most of the ops that my alter-states were used for, including body-
guarding and hostage interventions, had the potential of traumatizing the
alter-states. Sometimes, bad things happened to the people they were
supposed to protect-the best of plans sometimes went awry.


1. Out of all of the years I worked full time, with nearly all of them generating two
weeks of paid vacation each year, I only have one memory of having gone on a real
vacation-to Miami. Even that trip was a cover for other activities I was forcibly
involved in, while in Florida.

2. The lyrics were used as part of my CIA-compliant mental programming. Several
spook handlers bragged that the song was an Agency favorite, partly because of the
implied threat, and partly because "CIA" is embedded in its title.

3. As a child, I had learned to separate my awareness of the two "sides" of my par-
ents' abusive personalities in my mind. By blocking out the abuse and danger, I was
able to survive being in their presence each day without being terrified. This coping

Cover Positions


mechanism continued when I was an adult. When an abusive person became an
integral part of my life, I blocked out all memory and awareness of the harmful side
of that person's personality, and only recollected the person's "good" side.

This is one of the primary reasons why I allowed abusive people to have power over
me for so long. Only when their negative behaviors were so blatant that they
punched through my wall of denial, was I able to recognize what they really were.
When that happened, I (as the host alter-state) had one of two choices: I could
accept the fact that the person was a threat to me and totally separate myself from
that person to protect myself; or I could push the truth away, pretending that per-
son's negative behaviors did not exist, and go back into denial about that person's
true character and motives. I suspect this is what some alleged ritual abuse sur-
vivors have done: after they initially believed their emerging memories, they were
influenced to go back into denial and return to their dangerous families, who then
influenced them to blame the "false" memories on their therapists.

4. Because I was conditioned not to consult with regular medical doctors, I treated

5. Carla Emery explained this effective hypnotic technique, known as Telephone

The hypnotist speaks, or sounds the post-hypnotically suggested
induction cue over the phone when he gets his subject's ear on the
other end. He doesn't have to say "Hello" first. That would give his
subject a predator-on-the-phone warning and the chance to hang up
before the induction cue is spoken. Instead, the hypnotist gives the
induction cue first. Immediately, in a person programmed for routine
amnesia during trances, the subject's conscious mind is off-line. Only
the reflexive hypno-robot is listening. The hypnotist gives his instruc-
tions to that subject's unconscious. When he is finished, the phone call
and the hypnosis are terminated (probably both at once) by a routine
suggestion, (pg. 65)

Possibly the best way for a novice to understand telephone induction is by review-
ing the fictional movie, Telefon, starring Charles Bronson. In it, sleeper agents were
unwittingly programmed to respond to a coded phrase. Not knowing that they were
mentally programmed, they responded to a trigger phrase given to them during an
unexpected phone call. In response, they each tranced and carried out the caller's
instructions. The movie is an overly crude example of mental programming because
most mind-controlled slaves are given many different programs that can be trig-
gered, usually one at a time. Another difference is that in the movie, the sleepers
were only used one time. In real life, because they are a serious financial invest-
ment, most slave-operatives will be used for decades.

6. At times, my brothers and I were fiercely loyal and protective towards each other. And
yet, given our shared parentage, I am aware that I may not be the only sibling who was



programmed to have compliant alter-states. For this and other reasons, I choose not to
have any more contact with them. Sometimes, to stay safe, mind-control and ritual
abuse survivors have to care about those they love from a great distance.

7. I remembered this with no verifications in the early 1990s. Nearly a decade later,
I attended a graduation ceremony in Chattanooga. The CEO of the Gallup Poll gave
the address. He said he had interviewed successful professional hockey goalies and
had learned that they had the unusual ability to see the puck coming at them in slow
motion. In July, 2000, 1 wrote to Gallup for more information. An employee replied
in an E-mail that this ability is called elongated time.

8. Some therapists call this a "trauma bond."

9. Not long before these memories emerged, I developed a sudden phobia about
touching doorknobs and using toothpaste. In the past, I'd always carried a small con-
tainer of Vaseline in my purse-perhaps as an unconscious reenactment. The initial
awareness of my first emerging NAOMI programmed part was triggered during a
class at a Baptist seminary, in which a student recounted the story of Ruth and
Naomi. The impact of hearing the word Naomi was so tremendous that I ran to the
bathroom and cried loudly for nearly a half-hour, not realizing that the adult
students could hear all of it through the building's ductwork. I dropped out of
school shortly after that.

10. In Bluebird, Dr. Colin Ross explained why the CIA's MKNAOMI project was
developed. MKNAOMI was a joint project of the CIA and the Army's Special
Operations Division in Fort Detrick, Maryland. It ran from 1953 to 1970.
MKNAOMI involved "developing, testing, and maintaining biological agents
and delivery systems for use against humans as well as against animals and crops"
(pg. 67). At least one alter-state having that project's code name had continued to
be used on black ops for years after the project officially ended.

11. This was a powerful, unconscious incentive to survive, because I didn't want my
loved ones to grieve over losing me while having no idea what had happened to me!

12. I'm still phobic about handling all forms of acid, because I know what some of
them can do to human flesh.


Grandma's Gift

Because I was so busy going to work, rituals, ops, and more, I didn't
have the time or energy to casually visit with my extended family in
Pennsylvania. This was unfortunate, because I didn't have the chance to
see my paternal grandmother one more time before she died of a massive
heart attack in March, 1982, in the presence of her second husband.
Although I deeply grieved losing her, I was glad she'd had the opportunity
to experience safety, love, and happiness with him in his home during her
remaining years.

When Dad was told of his mother's death, he was stone cold and
showed no sign of grief. He insisted that he saw no reason to go to her
funeral; after all, she was dead. My stepmother had to fight to get him to
take her with him to Grandma's funeral to pay their last respects.

Before Grandma's death, she had secretly instructed one of Dad's
brothers-the executor of her estate-to travel to Georgia and hand-deliver
her brilliant diamond solitaire ring to me at Dad's house. Because I hadn't
known that Grandma had owned it, I was deeply touched. It was my first
nice piece of jewelry.

Grandma's legacy helped me to feel special. The knowledge that she
had cared that much about me gave me new strength and helped me to
stand taller. My uncle told me that because Grandma's first husband had
never bought her an engagement ring, she had decided to save up her
hard-earned money and buy one for herself.

Upon hearing the story, I realized if I was ever going to be happy,
I couldn't wait the rest of my life for Albert to change. It was time to
create my own happiness.


Grandma's ring was the first step of my journey into strength and
freedom. More changes came quickly after, almost as if an invisible hand
was choreographing the events.




In the early 1990s, an alter-state named Andreia recounted an experience
in which I had been forcibly transported in 1985 to an Air Force base that
was identified to me only as "Meadowlark."

I was escorted there by a spook named Jim who fancied himself to
be a cowboy. He led me into a set of below-ground corridors and rooms
at that base. Soon, a succession of alter-states was triggered out
and painlessly interrogated by a gray-haired, ramrod-straight, retired
Army General who some of my alter-states had known in the past
as "Poppa."

After the interrogations, Poppa asked to speak to any alter-state that
would consider defecting and working for him and his people. Andreia
emerged. Having known Poppa in the past, she still liked him.

Poppa warned Andreia that if I continued to go to the Aryan rituals in
Georgia, I'd be put in prison for the rest of my life and could lose con-
tact with Emily. He said his hand-picked, retired Army intelligence per-
sonnel were working covertly, on a strictly voluntary basis, to shut down
Aryan organizations in the US as part of an extensive covert operation he
called, "Clean Sweep." He said he knew about the nationwide Aryan
network's plans to overthrow the government in the year 2000, since it
was one of Hitler's long-term goals. He said that, because much violence
was planned (including bombings in Atlanta during the Olympics), ASA
and other intelligence agencies had chosen to intervene.

I write "ASA" with the understanding that I'm not able to recall,
clearly, whether Poppa said his covert intelligence agency was the Army's
ISA-Intelligence Support Activity, or AS A- Army Security Agency.
Years after I remembered meeting Poppa at Meadowlark, several
alter-states journaled that Poppa's recruits were connected to ASA, and
that I had picked up the moniker ISA from a book about the extensive US
intelligence community. For simplicity's sake, I will identify the agency
as ASA with the understanding that it may not have been that agency
at all. 1

Poppa's face registered hatred towards the Nazi conspirators as he
spoke. Then he talked about ASA's dedication to "God and Country."
Although he had done hurtful things to some of my parts in the past,
supposedly out of necessity, he now convinced Andreia that he'd become
a true Christian and that, because of his conversion, he wanted to do what
was right. Andreia believed him and agreed to cooperate with him and
the ASA after I returned to Georgia.



Poppa warned that either I could stay completely away from the Aryan
meetings from now on, or Andreia could attend them as his mole to help
bring the network down from the inside. He reminded Andreia that if she
chose to secretly participate in the Aryan meetings while pretending to
be other alter-states, she would have to perform the same repugnant acts
they'd already performed. He added that he would assign one of his
inside men, already a mole, to protect her.

Although she grieved that she would have to harm others, Andreia agreed
to stay conscious as much as she possibly could during the cult meetings.
She was willing to lose pieces of her soul to help free the children.

When Andreia journaled this memory in the early 1990s, I thought I'd
lost my mind. I could find no proof of any Air Force base named
"Meadowlark." I put the questionable memory in the back of my mind to
wait for verifications — if any existed. 2

Several of the other alter-states interrogated at Meadowlark journaled
that Poppa had told them that the CIA had made a disastrous mistake
by bringing Nazi professionals to the US and installing them in secure
positions. 3 He said the CIA had allowed our sworn enemies to work
towards taking our government over from the inside-out. He said the
public would not be told about the attempted overthrow, because there
would be "riots in the streets" and "mass panic." He said Clean Sweep
had to be conducted quietly. The main reason why our government was
not willing to admit that criminal occult activities were rampant, Poppa
told me, was because much of the occultism had been covertly intro-
duced into the US, in a Trojan Horse sort of way, by some of the Nazi

Poppa said the CIA was tight with many Aryan occult organizations,
just as the FBI continued to collaborate in secret with a number of Mafia
organizations still operating in the US. He said the CIA had a vested
interest in ensuring that these secretive, dangerous cults continue to operate,
unimpeded, and this was why other federal agencies enacted Clean
Sweep. Poppa said that as they attempted to do damage control, they
were having to work against the CIA in the process. 4

The Mansion

In 1985, after I was flown back to Atlanta from Meadowlark, Andreia
and some of my cult-conditioned alter-states continued to attend the



Aryan meetings in the Cobb County area. Many of the meetings were
held in warehouses; some were held in old houses in and near Kennesaw.
Those houses were owned by cult members who clustered in several
neighborhoods. Some of the houses were connected by hidden under-
ground tunnel systems that they used to store contraband and children
who were bought and sold on the lucrative black market. 5

On numerous occasions, I was also taken to an elaborate underground
installation that was probably a former SAM missile site. 6 A large brick
house had been built atop the site.

When I was taken there, the mansion's exterior walls were beige-
colored brick. Sometimes men stood in black uniforms on the roof,
holding rifles. Behind the mansion, I sometimes saw men dressed in
similar garb, practicing martial arts. 7

After entering through the front door, I saw at least one large chande-
lier hanging from the high ceiling in the open living area to the right that
could also be used as a ball room. Walking through the house towards the
rear, several enclosed rooms were to my left.

A hidden entrance was in a wall between two of those rooms. When it
slid open, I saw a wide concrete ramp that sloped down to the first sub-
level of a complex of concrete walled rooms and tunnels. On that first
sub-level was a large nursery room in which young children, especially
babies in cribs, were taken care of by rotating shifts of female Aryan cult
members. 8

I was told that some of these women's children were sold to childless
couples through cooperative adoption agencies. I knew from previous
experience that these children were birthed by cult mothers away from
hospitals, so the babies had no birth records. Many of the women who
birthed and tended the children were known in the Aryan network as
"breeders." 9

Another underground, concrete walled room housed expensive
electronic equipment that accessed what was identified to me as the
"Brandon" computer system. 10 J.C. and his father-in-law, B.H., told
me that the computer system held pertinent information on every govern-
ment programmed slave in the US-including the names and training of
all their documented alter-states and how each one could be triggered
out. They taught several of my alter-states how to use the system; based
on what I saw, what they told me seemed to be correct. They said the rea-
son the information would never be found in the CIA's files, was because
it was stored on at least one of NASA's computer systems. 11



The alter-states that were trained to input data into that system were
amazed at how much information they found on it about people they
knew. The Aryan leaders didn't know that Andreia was also accessing the
information and funneling some of it back to ASA.

B.H. and J.C. met frequently at the mansion with a thin man who was
both a Satanist and a civil war buff. B.H. and the thin man seemed
to have a surprisingly loving and sexually intimate relationship. In some
of the mansion's basement rooms, B.H. happily videotaped humorous
pornography that was just as professional as Great Britain's Benny Hill TV
shows. One of my alter-states personally assisted B.H. in the production of
some of that pornography.

In that mansion, B.H. used an innovative form of electrical torture to
create a new child alter-state in me that he named "Leah." That part
became his personally owned slave alter-state.

In my last years in the Aryan cult network, B.H. seemed to convince
himself and just about everyone else that I was, by choice, his cult wife.
Several of my child alter-states liked him because he was nice to them at
times. They were very upset to learn from other parts, after I broke away,
that B.H. also had a cruel side to his seemingly split personality.


In 1985, J.C. introduced a new cult member, William, to us. Although
he wasn't tall, William's shoulders and neck were strong, and his posture
was ramrod- straight. J.C. explained that William had retired from the
Army as a Sergeant Major after thirty years of service, and was now
seeking J.C.'s personal protection. 12

J.C. enforced strict rules about cult membership: each new member
had to perform illegal, distasteful acts to prove his or her loyalty. They
didn't know that J.C. would use secretly videotaped films of their initia-
tions to blackmail them into ongoing compliance and silence about the
cult's numerous illegal activities.

Several of my cult alter-states watched as William performed the
demoralizing tasks in a stone-faced way. Unlike my father and
J.C, William never fully relaxed at the cult meetings. My cult-loyal alter-
states didn't know about my trip to Meadowlark, and worried that
William might betray J.C. They didn't know that Andreia, a part they
weren't aware of, already had.



William soon gained J.C.'s permission to drive me to the Cobb County
meetings, and then back home to the east side of Atlanta. Some of my
cult alter- states noticed that when William drove them home, his face
screwed up with disgust and anger as if he needed a long, hot bath. Those
alter- states were confused because they were accustomed to being in
the presence of criminals who were noticeably relaxed and happy after
performing illicit acts.


My cult alter-states didn't know that William was triggering Andreia
out and driving her to covert ASA meetings that he officiated. At those
meetings, the other ASA volunteers called him "Bill."

Andreia was amazed by the volunteers' selflessness. They seemed
sincere when they stated that they were willing to give their lives, if nec-
essary, to bring down the local Aryan cult network from within, brick by
brick. Their #1 motto was "God and Country." A recent fundamentalist
Christian convert, Bill believed if he served God and Jesus, he would be
protected from the cult's evil.

The unselfishness and caring of the ASA volunteers became the
human antivenom to the sociopathic poison I'd been immersed in, for
nearly all of my life. They became my lifeline to sanity and morality,
ushering me into a new state of grace. 13


Although I didn't remember J.C. or the Aryan cult network when I was
home, I often thought about divorcing Albert and starting a new life with
Emily. Twice, I secretly met with a local female attorney to discuss fil-
ing for a divorce. Each time, Albert found out and talked me out of it.
Based on what I'd told her about Albert's abusiveness, the attorney was
unhappy that I kept backing off and suggested I seek professional help.
I never talked to her again.

At some of the Aryan cult meetings, J.C. and Albert repeatedly threat-
ened some of my alter-states that if they should ever try to break and run,
taking Emily with them, Albert and J.C. would use cult funds to ensure
that Albert would gain full custody of Emily. The alter-states believed



their threats and decided to stay and protect Emily within the system as
much as they could, since they were convinced they'd never be able to
take her away.

At home, Albert used another tactic to keep me controlled. He said if
I ever tried to divorce him, he'd move to another part of the country and
change his name, so that I'd never get a penny of child support from him.
Because I didn't earn much as an insurance clerk, I believed I couldn't
afford to raise our daughter on my own. In every way, I felt hopelessly


1 . Although the ASA was officially disbanded after the end of the Vietnam war, some of
its members may have continued covert operations, identifying each other as 'ASA".

2. In July, 1992 1 was at a local library, scanning the 1990 Encyclopedia of World Crime,
Vol. Ill for verifications of the names of several Mafia figures I'd remembered.
In it, I found a section about a violent, subversive Aryan organization I'd already
remembered: The Order. I also found verifications of what I'd recalled hearing at
Aryan planning meetings. Best of all, it verified the existence of the federal govern-
ment's Clean Sweep operation:

Order, The, prom. 1983-88, US consp. -secret crim. soc. Fifteen white
supremacists were indicted in Fort Smith, Ark., and Denver, Colo., in
late April 1987 as the US government moved to eradicate America's
racist movement. A lengthy investigation named "Clean Sweep" linked
a group of neo-Nazis called The Order to racially-motivated killings
and robberies dating back to 1984, and resulted in arrests in five states.

Two of The Order's leaders were arrested. They had planned to "murder blacks
and Jews, poison city water supplies, carry out terrorist actions to overthrow the
US government, and bomb public utilities." (pg. 2376)

3. In 1994, a consultant told me that a new video had come out about the retired
general. When I reviewed it, I learned that Poppa had been one of the first Army
officers to enter a Nazi concentration camp in WWII. The camera panned a hand-
written letter that he'd sent to his mother, expressing strong hatred towards Nazis.
In the summer of 2002, 1 researched ASA, ISA, and Poppa (using his real name) on
the Internet. I still didn't want to believe that the Meadowlark memories were true.
I was astounded to find websites and articles on the Internet that directly connected
him to both Army intelligence agencies !

I found another verification on the Internet in early 2002. When I used the search
terms "Meadowlark" and "Air Force," the Google search engine indicated the



existence of "about 1490" website listings that included both. After ten years
of clinging to denial, I finally accepted that the Meadowlark interrogation memory
was valid.

4. If what Poppa told me was true, then this effort may have hit a brick wall when
George W. Bush, the son of a former CIA director, was elected president-especially
since many of his father's close associates had recycled themselves as George W's

5. Many ritual abuse survivors have reported that members of some criminal cults
and black-marketing networks prefer to cluster in select neighborhoods. Often,
when one cult owner has to sell a home, another member of the group will quickly
buy it. This may be a reason why, when some ritual abusers are publicly accused
of hurting children, their neighbors-in surprising unison-insist that the accused is

6. In the December, 2001 edition of GQ, I found a diagram of a former underground
missile site with a house built atop it. The diagram of the underground rooms and
tunnels was identical to the layout of the tunnel system I'd remembered beneath
the mansion. Because the government-contracted Lockheed and Martin-Marietta
plants were close by, logic can conclude that a SAM missile site might have been
constructed there to protect them. And true or not, a consultant once told me that
the US Department of Defense sold some of its defunct missile sites to members
of the nationwide Aryan network.

7. In 2003, while researching a former CIA handler named Mitchell Werbell III, I
found information that may explain the martial arts and black uniforms. Werbell
owned and operated COBRAY-SIONICS Training Center, a spook counter-
terrorism training facility in Powder Springs, Georgia. It seems that black
uniforms and martial arts training were a part of their operations (Lau 1). I also
learned that Blackhawk helicopters were used by some of these operatives-
perhaps the same helicopters I'd watched land on the roof of the mansion
(American Ballistics).

8. Although this may seem ludicrous, other survivors of that Aryan network have also
spoken of the underground nursery and tunnel systems. Some of them had never
repressed their memories.

Because this Aryan network is a tightly closed system, with many of its
members fearing death to themselves or loved ones if they leave or tell, few out-
siders (until now) have been aware of its existence. I want to emphasize that I am
not opposed to the rights of Aryans to believe as they choose. What I do oppose is
the cowardly torture, sexual abuse, black-marketing, prostitution, brainwashing,
forced porn participation, and murder of babies, children, and adult slaves. I would
be willing to bet that some members of these Aryan organizations are also opposed
to these ongoing crimes. True pride is strong in itself; it doesn't need to prop itself
up on the shoulders of slaves.



9. Some breeders are brainwashed to believe that bearing children in honor of Hitler is the
highest possible honor. Most of them don't realize they are actually slave-prostitutes.

10. In 1996, 1 used NASA's ArchiePlex Internet search engine to find information that
might verify certain memories. During that search, I ran across the word "Brandon."
Nearly every reference concerning that word was about Brandon University,
including information about its Computer Services and its Department of Math and
Computer Science. What an odd coincidence!

1 1 . According to Linda Hunt's Secret Agenda: The United States Government, Nazi
Scientists, and Project Paperclip, 1945 to 1990, NASA was basically created by a
group of Nazi immigrants who had been brought into the US by the Army and CIA,
their records whitewashed in the process. Some were proven war criminals.
Although I am certain that most of NASA's current activities are legitimate, it is
quite possible that some of its Nazi founders and their associates could have
worked all along as double agents, using its facilities and equipment-as I believe
was also done within the CIA-to further the Reich's heady goal of eventual world
domination (A.K.A. the New World Order).

12. According to J.C., William's cover story was that he had gotten into serious
trouble with an Aryan group in Kentucky, and needed J.C.'s protection from them.
In return, William offered to do whatever J.C. wanted of him.

13. The reason I mention these individuals now, is that their cover was compromised
in the mid 1990s when a fake "good guy" named Mark Phillips gained this infor-
mation and everything else I'd compiled. Later, he admitted that he gave it all to
CIA officers working in Atlanta. Since then, I've been given the go-ahead by ASA
operatives to share this part of my and Bill's story, with the understanding that
doing so will no longer put their people at risk.


Baptist Church

Before my unexpected trip to Meadowlark, several young people from
Hebron Baptist, an old one- story, white wooden church in the tiny town
of Dacula, had started to visit our rural neighborhood as part of their
church's outreach program. After some initial reluctance, I gave Emily
permission to ride with them in the church bus each Sunday.

After talking to the young driver and his girlfriend for several more
months, I decided to go to Hebron, too. I hadn't attended a church on a
regular basis since I'd left the Local Church. This was, in part, because
Albert had great difficulty staying in any church for long.

Although he'd taken us to numerous Charismatic and Pentecostal
church meetings in the Atlanta area, he'd eventually insisted that I support
him in setting up a Charismatic church in our home in Lawrenceville,
with him as pastor. I'd refused, because I believed he was unstable and
dishonest. I wasn't willing to support his living a lie before God. He
never forgave me for that.

Hebron became an important source of healing for my wounded,
shattered soul. Its black-haired, dark eyed, energetic pastor, Larry Wynn,
seemed determined that the congregation would reach out to all neighbors
and newcomers, to share the love of Christ with them.

I was surprised to learn that his wife, Ethel, had been in my high
school class in Snellville. Because I had liked her when I first knew her,
and because Larry seemed sincere, I chose to risk trusting them. Every
time I went to Hebron, members hugged me, talked to me, and made me
feel welcome. Their caring and joy seemed genuine, unlike the "love
bombing" I'd previously experienced in religious cults. I joined Hebron
and was soon baptized in a tank of water behind the pulpit. I'd finally
found a place where I could belong.

Soon, I was going to church three times a week. Albert angrily
accused me of being a hypocrite. He claimed that all Baptists were
fakes because they weren't filled with the Holy Spirit and didn't speak in
tongues. Although he never set foot inside the church, he constantly




criticized its members and said they were just pretending to care
about me.

As I spent time with happily married couples from the church, I realized
I was stuck in a stagnant, decaying relationship with Albert. Although I'd
tried hard, I didn't love him and I knew he didn't love me. Since I didn't
believe in divorce, I resigned myself to an empty marriage. The love of
the people at the church, and from God himself, would have to suffice.

The insane pace of my life continued. I was transported to Aryan
cult meetings at night and on weekends. I was sometimes taken from the
cult meetings to Dobbins Air Force Base and from there for ops. I still
worked at my day job. I went to nighttime exercise classes several times
a week, and then walked around the local high school's track. I did all the
chores at home, including cooking, cleaning, laundry, and mowing the
lawn. I took care of Emily. And now, I went to church three times a week
to try to get my life right with God.

Unfortunately, several of my male spook handlers took advantage of
my naive devotion to God. They triggered out gullible alter-states while
claiming to be angels sent by God with special messages for me. Because
I'd recently read evangelist Billy Graham's book, Angels: God's Secret
Agents, I-in those alter- states-believed the men. The alter-states didn't
know they were being manipulated by humans who were far from holy.

In church, Pastor Wynn taught that God didn't need anyone else to
translate for Him. He said if we remained prayerful and open to obeying
God, He would speak directly to our hearts. His words helped me to
become more skeptical towards people who came to me, claiming that
God had given them a revelation or a special message for me. I decided
if God didn't tell me something first, then self-proclaimed "messengers"
were either delusional, or were lying to manipulate me.

Something else happened at Hebron that drastically changed the
direction of my life. On most Sundays, especially during the evening
services, Pastor Wynn invited members to kneel at the front altar to pray.
For several months, I felt a strong pull to the altar. Each time I knelt,
I felt deep pain and couldn't stop crying. If I remained at my pew, I still
felt an urgency to get on my knees, to ask God to please change me. I felt
as if the true Holy Spirit was shining a spotlight in places inside that
I couldn't see.

For many years, I'd felt a great blackness inside. Although I didn't
know what it meant, I now think it represented the amnesic barrier



between my conscious self and hidden alter- states. I had also sensed for
a long time that something evil was in my soul, but I hadn't known what
it was. I didn't dare tell other people about it — I was afraid they'd reject
me if they really knew me. Still, I could be honest about it with God.

One Sunday morning at the altar, I felt a message form in my mind.
Maybe an alter-state was talking to me. Maybe the words were from a
hypnotically implanted suggestion. Regardless, it was what I needed to
hear: "If you truly love God, if you really are willing to give Him your
life unto death, then you will have to be just as willing to give Him your
openness to the greatest pain you'll ever experience."

I sensed if I said yes, He would apply his Holy Spirit to my life, using
it as a purging fire to burn away everything that was evil and corrupt.
I sensed that the holy fire would be the source of the pain.

I wanted to be cleansed inside. I wanted to be pure for God. I didn't
want to be a hypocrite anymore, hiding the secret darkness from other
Christians. I was tired of living a lie, pretending to love people when
I felt no warmth inside. I was tired of smiling when no joy was
in my heart. I wanted to be what I believed God had given me the
potential to be.

That day, I surrendered to God. I opened my arms and my heart.
Although I didn't know how the purging would come, I decided not to
struggle when it did. Since then, I've watched God keep His end of the
bargain by enacting a strange sequence of events that I never would have
dreamt possible.

Albert's Affair

One hot Saturday at home, I opened our doors and windows to let a
breeze blow through. As I washed dishes in the kitchen sink, a weak
voice called to me from beyond the doorway to our carport. I turned to
see a thin, brown-eyed, middle-aged, sweaty woman standing outside the
screen door, asking if I would give her a glass of water.

As Geena sat on our green living room sofa, gulping the ice-cold
water, she said she'd hitched a ride to Lawrenceville to find shelter with
some old friends, only to discover that they'd moved away, leaving no
forwarding address. She said her current husband, an avowed white
supremacist who worked for an Atlanta television station, had recently



beaten her so badly, she'd ended up in the hospital. She said she couldn't
go back to him.

I told her to wait in the living room, and discussed her story with
Albert, away from her hearing. We concurred that God must have sent
her to us, so we could minister to her. I told Geena she could live with us
temporarily, paying us back by helping with light cleaning and weekday
meal preparations.

In record time, Geena and Albert were lovers. 1 Two neighbors saw
them kissing on different days in Albert's car at nearby shopping center
parking lots. The neighbors later admitted they'd been afraid to tell me,
because they'd believed that I didn't want to hear the truth. They were

Geena was significantly older than Albert, and claimed to have
cancerous tumors all over her body. She'd already been married five
times. Because I couldn't imagine that Albert would ever choose her over
me, I didn't believe she was a threat to our marriage. And yet, as I con-
tinued to block out indications of their affair, my subconscious wouldn't
leave me alone.

I had unnerving nightmares of walking through the doorway of an
old house with wooden walls. As I entered an empty room, I heard
rats scurry inside the wall to my immediate right. By the time I walked
into that room and looked at the partially exposed wall, the rats had gone
into hiding again. Each time I awoke, my heart pounded and I felt great

Several weeks later, Albert took Geena to a large indoor flea
market-one of their favorite weekend haunts - on my birthday while I
did the weekly chores. That afternoon, after they returned home, Albert
gave me my birthday present: fingernail clippers with a daisy painted on
top. Then Geena showed me what he'd bought her: an "engagement ring."
She assured me that its stone was just cubic zirconium, and said she
needed it when Albert took her to country music bars at night, so other
customers wouldn't "hit on" her. Seeing my anger, Albert encouraged me
to hit him, saying I would feel better. I didn't.

About a month later, on a warm Saturday afternoon, I was coming
home from my weekly trip to the grocery store. As I drove up a dirt
road into our neighborhood, dread and pain built up intolerably inside
me. Then something broke. I knew. The pain completely took over
as I drove up our sloped, concrete driveway. I sat in the car for a long



time, so paralyzed by the pain, I couldn't move. I couldn't even cry.
When Emily came outside to check on me, I told her to go to a friend's
house. I knew I'd go mad if Geena spent one more day in our home.

When Geena and Albert came home from the flea market that night,
I demanded that he remove her immediately. Although he accused me of
being crazy and claimed they'd done nothing wrong, I stood my ground.
Geena screamed and threw objects in the living room as I hid behind my
locked bedroom door. After Albert calmed her down, she packed her
belongings and he drove her to a relative's house.

If I hadn't received genuine love and caring from the people at church,
and if I hadn't subconsciously learned about integrity from Bill and his
ASA associates, I might have backed down and become even more of a
doormat to Albert. Fortunately, their positive influence short-circuited
my scriptural religious programming: "Wives, be in subjection to your
own husbands." (I Pet. 3:1, RSV)

After Geena was gone, Albert pretended to be a model husband and
father during the week. And yet, he refused to be with us on weekends,
claiming he needed some time alone to "figure things out." Although
I wanted to believe him, I occasionally wondered if he was spending the
weekends with Geena. When I questioned him about it, he accused me
of being crazy. Sometimes I wondered if he was right.

One day, Albert surprised me by saying he wanted to drive to Miami
by himself and stay there for a week. He said he needed time alone to
figure some things out about his life, and to decide what he wanted to do
with it. I believed him, and hoped that spending time away from me and
Emily would help him to appreciate us when he returned.

Several months later, I asked him to go to marital counseling with me.
He made an appointment with one of his co-workers, who was studying
to become a Presbyterian minister. We went to two sessions at the man's
church. Each time, Albert insisted he was not having an affair. Both men
made me feel guilty for not trusting his intentions. The counselor said
I should support Albert's godly friendship with Geena.

Although I'd tried to hold on to what I sensed was true (that they were
having an affair), I caved in and accepted Albert's claim that their
relationship was pure. I had very little knowledge about proper bound-
aries and behaviors between men and women, between a married couple
and a single woman, and so on. I didn't know enough about life and
relationships to say, "This particular behavior between you and Geena is



inappropriate and I won't stand for it." Not knowing what was proper and
what wasn't, I believed I must be wrong for thinking that Albert was
having a sexual relationship with her. After all, even the counselor said
he was innocent. As I accepted their false reality, I strongly considered
the possibility that I was insane.

Facing the Truth

After several more months, Albert asked me to go with him to look at
a new car that he wanted to buy at a local dealership. The salesmen
seemed to suppress their grins when Albert introduced me as his wife.
That bothered me; had Geena been there earlier with him, to choose the
car? (Later, he admitted that she had.)

On another weekend, I took a long walk out into the countryside and
was startled to see Albert driving home from that direction. As he pulled
up beside me, I confronted him and asked if he was still seeing Geena.
He said yes, insisting they were just friends and that I was crazy for
thinking that Albert-a "man of God"-was committing adultery. He tried
to make me feel sorry for how poor and lonely she was. He said I should
be grateful that he was ministering God's love to her.

I decided I'd know the truth if I saw them together. When I asked
Albert to invite Geena to our house for Thanksgiving dinner, he seemed
surprised and elated. That holiday afternoon, their body language may as
well have spelled "lovers" in flashing neon lights.

Several days later, on Albert's birthday, I confronted him and gave him
until the following New Years Day, 1997, to agree to sell our house and
split the net profit. Because I had no savings, I'd need the money to pay
rent for an apartment. Instead of showing remorse, Albert screamed that
I was ruining his birthday. I refused to back down.

When he realized that I meant what I said, he became openly cruel and
said things I never would have believed he was capable of. I went into
emotional shock and feared for my life.

His dark side emerging, he made all kinds of threats, even against my
life. He still insisted I was crazy and that I was imagining he and Geena
were having sex. He accused me of sinning against God by planning
to divorce him. I struggled with that last accusation, because I wanted
to please God by doing what was right. He added that if I divorced



him and married another man, I would commit adultery-which I believed
was a major sin.

After much soul-searching, I decided I'd rather sin against God than
live one more year with Albert. If I divorced him, at least I'd still have
God's love. Another concern was that if he and Geena were having sex,
Albert could pass a disease on to me. Pastor Wynn told me that regard-
less of whether or not Albert was committing adultery, God loved me so
much, He wouldn't want me to continue to suffer in an abusive relationship.
I hired a new lawyer and filed for divorce.

Albert's rage increased when I still wouldn't back down. Whenever he
was in the house, I locked myself in our spare room. Although he wasn't
big, he had terrorized me for years with his muscular arms and fists,
screaming and spitting in my face, pushing my back against walls for
long periods of time while Emily watched, helplessly. 2

Now, he constantly made threats and accusations. I spent innumerable
hours on my knees in the small carpeted room, shaking, crying, and
begging God for protection, sometimes reading the Bible aloud.

One day, as Albert screamed outside the plain wooden door, I read in
the Bible that Jesus had said we should treat our enemies with kindness.
Although the idea seemed irrational, I decided to give it a try. During the
rest of our time together, I was the nicest wife Albert could ever want.
I was pleasantly surprised when he stopped threatening me.

Not Crazy

After we'd sold the house, Albert started making new threats. He said
he'd use Geena's gun to shoot anyone who tried to help me take any
appliances from the house that he wanted for himself. Because I was
tired and simply wanted my freedom, I let him have whatever he wanted.

My divorce attorney was unhappy that I insisted on splitting the profit
with Albert. I even agreed to accept the legally required minimum in
child support payments from Albert, although the judge soon decided
that Albert should pay more. After Albert bought a small mobile home
and had it placed in a trailer park near Lawrenceville, I prepared to move
with Emily into a rented duplex on the other side of town.

While sorting through some of the personal belongings that Albert
had left in our small attic, I found a set of Polaroid pictures of him



and Geena standing on a Miami beach, embracing each other. Staring
at the photos, I realized I'd been right all along-they were having an

Emily celebrated when I showed her the incriminating pictures. She said
she'd always known they were having an affair, and had been terribly
frustrated and angry when I wouldn't believe her.

Going It Alone

When our divorce was finalized in the spring of 1997, 1 hated the word
"divorcee" and didn't want a relationship with any man. I just wanted to
be left alone with Emily and my relationship with God. My biggest treat
each week was to sit on the carpeted living room floor of our duplex on
Friday nights, eating canned oysters and cheddar cheese on crackers
while listening to my favorite Christian radio programs. For the first time
in thirteen years, I didn't have to worry about Albert yelling that I was
contaminated by battery acid on the carpet.

I worried about running into Albert and Geena when I went to town
on errands. Because I couldn't bear the pain of seeing them together,
I wanted to move away from Lawrenceville. I didn't consider what
another move would do to Emily, who had already lost contact with her
friends from our former neighborhood. Although I took her to visit and
spend the night with them as often I could, it just wasn't the same.

New Ministry

One Saturday morning at Hebron, I attended a women's workshop on
intercessory prayer. Our petite, middle-aged, red-haired presenter, Jessie,
said that she and her husband, Grant, had created an international inter-
cessory prayer network.

After the workshop, I couldn't get Jessie out of my mind. Because
I still believed I had the Holy Spirit's gift of intercessory prayer, I
decided their ministry was right for me. After several months of visits
and phone conversations, Jessie suggested I break my lease and move
near their home in Conyers, in order to do voluntary secretarial work for
their ministry. She said I could work in their home on Saturdays and on



weeknights, as needed. She said God would financially bless me for what
I would do for their ministry.

In July, Emily and I moved to the lovely old town of Conyers. It had
quaint shops and seemed safe enough for me to walk my dog at night in
the dark. I rented a duplex that stank. Dark and dirty, it was the best I
could afford.

I first met Grant when I attended a weekend prayer retreat near
Atlanta. I was impressed when he told us that for the past eight years,
he'd worked for Billy Graham's extensive evangelistic organization.
Grant's soft voice and startling blue eyes easily put me into a hypnotic
trance-state. At the retreat, Grant and Jessie encouraged some of the
female participants to sit on his lap and imagine him to be their father, so
they could "emotionally heal" from negative relationships with their real
fathers. Although I was uncomfortable and refused to do it, the other
women's trust in Grant influenced me to also trust him.

On the last day of the retreat, Grant challenged us to go for a walk in
the woods to see if God would speak to us, individually. I came back,
convinced that God had given me a personal message. Others claimed to
have had similar experiences.

I was impressed with how well-behaved Jessie and Grant's teenaged
children were. I told Jessie I wanted Emily to spend as much time with
them as possible, because I wanted my daughter to have the positive
influence of a stable family with two godly parents. I didn't understand
that I was infinitely more important to her than a houseful of strangers. I
also didn't comprehend how grief- stricken she was since Albert had
stopped calling her, and had told her he didn't want her to visit him

Falling Apart

At Jessie's suggestion, Emily and I transferred our church memberships
to a large Baptist church in nearby Lithonia. I did what I could to keep
Emily active in the new church, believing her youth leaders would pro-
vide a positive male influence. As a single mother, I was so exhausted
and overwhelmed with responsibilities and worries, I didn't have the energy
to open my heart to her anymore. Instead of loving her and listening to her,
I became a religious, controlling disciplinarian. I spent many hours each



week on my knees in my bedroom, praying desperately for God's help
and guidance. She resented my fanatical Christianity and wanted her old
mother back.

I also didn't understand that she'd probably developed a learning
disability. She constantly brought notes home from teachers; they com-
plained that she wasn't doing her schoolwork and spent most of her class
time writing notes back and forth with other girls. When I confronted her,
she said the classes bored her. Because I knew she was bright, I thought
she was being lazy and rebellious. I restricted and disciplined her more,
making her a prisoner in the duplex for every minor infraction.

I also punished her for my memory lapses. At least twice, she asked an
alter-state for permission to spend the afternoon with a friend. Because I,
as the host alter-state, wasn't conscious when she asked, I grew frantic
when she didn't come home on time. Each time she arrived hours later,
saying that I'd given her permission, I punished her for lying.

Although she had made good grades in the past, they now plummeted.
She associated with local teenagers who were also having trouble at
home. The more she fought for her independence, the more I panicked
and fought to keep control over her. I didn't understand that parents
aren't supposed to control and confine their adolescent children, but are
to guide and encourage them to grow and become independent. When
she needed consistent love and respect, I gave her harshness and control.


1. After their affair was confirmed, my mother's second husband told me he believed
Geena had been "sent in" to live with us. Tight-lipped about his own covert
connections, he didn't elaborate.

2. Although several alter-states have journaled that Albert sometimes hit me with his
fists, I still have not recovered enough memories to be sure of this. It's possible that
I'm still blocking the memories out because I don't want to remember how terri-
fied and helpless I felt when he was enraged.

New Family


In the spring of 1997, I learned that an insurance company closer to
home had an opening for an experienced Commercial rater. I applied for
the position and was quickly hired.

Located near the end of an isolated road, this company's southeast
regional office building was six stories tall with a flat roof. It was sur-
rounded by acres of black-tarred pavement and perfectly manicured,
green grass.

Within a week of starting my new job, I officially met Bill Sullivan for
the first time. 1 He was responsible for the maintenance of the building's
immense air conditioning and heating system, all the building's lights,
cafeteria equipment, electrical wiring, and more.

After our first encounter, he spent an inordinate amount of time in my
department on the fifth floor, standing on his tall ladder to change flores-
cent light bulbs up in the ceiling while peering over my cubicle wall. He
always whistled when he entered the area. Soon, he was leaving cryptic
handwritten notes on my desk. Each one had a scripture reference. After
several weeks, he asked me to go out on a date.

Because I hadn't been on a real date since I'd married Albert, I was
nervous. What if Bill expected sex? I couldn't do that-I wanted to stay
chaste for God! Still hesitant, I let him take me to lunch at a nearby
Chinese restaurant. It soon became our regular haunt.

Pentecostal Church

After several months of dating, Bill persuaded me to stop associating
with Jessie and Grant. I'd actually considered becoming an overseas
Baptist missionary, perhaps-at Jessie's suggestion-in Indonesia or
South Korea, where Grant sometimes addressed Dr. Cho's Baptist


New Family


Unimpressed with my plans, Bill reminded me that my first
responsibility was to Emily. Although I didn't want to let go of my escapist
fantasy, I agreed not to do any more volunteer work for the couple.

Next, I agreed to attend Bill's Pentecostal church with him. They met
in a small, red brick building for which he did all the maintenance — at
no charge. I flashbacked constantly during their Sunday morning and
evening services and felt as if I were losing my grip on reality. Bill
insisted that I continue going there. Because I wanted to deepen our spir-
itual relationship, I relented, feeling miserable.

Religious Control

Bill suspected that Emily was taking street drugs. Although I refused to
believe him, I admitted I was worried about her, too. He convinced me
that if I married him, she'd have a more stable and secure environment.

During the year we dated, I recognized that Bill was a control addict.
He tried hard to change both Emily and me. Because she and I both pre-
ferred androgynous clothes, Bill bought stylish, uncomfortably feminine
garments for us and insisted that we wear them. Then, he paid for both of
us to change our hairstyles. After the makeovers, I saw a total stranger in
the mirror and felt fake.

Because he wanted to please God, Bill insisted that we abstain from
sexual intimacy until marriage. Given my history, this was difficult. When
I visited Bill at his house, he always insisted that we pray on our knees
and read our Bibles together to stay out of trouble.

Although I believe that Bill meant well, both Emily and I rankled
under his control. Nonetheless, I chose to marry him. I sensed that he was
a good and loving person underneath the religiosity. I also believed that his
influence as a stepfather was what Emily needed, to heal from the loss of
her relationship with Albert. I didn't know that no man could replace what
her father had been in her life.


During the spring of 1988, I was under a great deal of stress. My
finances were very tight, especially when Albert refused to pay child



support. Bill offered to pay me if I'd help him to do odd jobs at people's
houses at night and on weekends. I didn't know that these odd jobs were
often a cover for my going with him to Aryan and ASA meetings.

When Albert learned that I was engaged, he resumed weekend visita-
tions with Emily. Because Geena was now living with Albert, who still
claimed that their relationship was nonsexual, I didn't want to let Emily
spend the night with them. And yet, because I believed that she needed
to be with her daddy, I let her go.

One Sunday afternoon after Emily had visited with Albert and Geena,
they drove her to our church's parking lot. Bill and I sat in his car,
waiting. When Albert got out of his car, Bill walked towards him to shake
hands. Not saying a word, Albert stalked back to his car, got in, and drove
away in a hurry. Although I couldn't understand his behavior then, I now
believe that he'd recognized Bill from the Aryan meetings.

That evening, Albert called me three times, threatening to kill Bill.
Although a local judge issued a restraining order at my request, I still
feared that Albert was so irrational, he might follow through. Between
that worry and the stress of arranging my wedding to Bill, I was mentally
and physically exhausted.

On July 1, the day before the wedding, Emily disobeyed me about
something insignificant and then locked her bedroom door. An infuriated
male alter-state emerged and angrily banged on her wooden door, yelling
at her to open it. When she refused, the alter-state used a wire hangar to
unlock it. When he saw her trying to climb out a window, he became
more enraged and ran at her. She shrieked and couldn't get out quickly

I was completely amnesic as that part hit her on her back again and
again with the wire hangar. When I came to, I was horrified at what I'd
done and feared that I'd go to jail! Because I couldn't remember why
I'd beaten her, I used a false rationalization-insisting that I wouldn't have
"had" to hit her if she hadn't disobeyed me.

The next day at church, Bill and I married. I'd asked Dad to give me
away to Bill and he seemed happy to oblige. I didn't know how much
power I was still giving him. I also didn't know that a large percentage
of the witnesses sitting on the church pews were handlers, Aryan cult
members, or ASA personnel.

Although I was mentally unaware that I was surrounded by enemies
and spooks, I felt unsafe and dissociated and became a curly-haired,

New Family


mechanical Barbie doll. In our wedding pictures, my face was either
frozen or I wore a pasted-on smile. The only time I felt any warmth was
when Bill and I faced each other at the altar. He cried, and tears filled my
eyes as he silently mouthed, "I love you."

While I posed as the glowing bride, Emily-one of my bridesmaids-
smarted under her pretty blue dress, her back covered with fiery red
welts. She stayed with Dad and his wife during our week- long honey-
moon. Twice in one week, I seriously hurt her and betrayed her trust in
me ... as Bill and I had fun traveling across the Southeast, Dad was free
to do whatever he wished to her.

Blended Family

After the honeymoon, we moved into Bill's large house in a new
subdivision in the small, rural, unincorporated town of Centerville-several
miles south of Snellville. His two-story house was several years old. I felt
like the lady of the manor, and had difficulty accepting that God was now
blessing me so lavishly!

His combination living-dining room had a cathedral ceiling. I was
overwhelmed by all the open space, after having lived in a small, dark,
smelly duplex for a year. Sunlight shone through the large house's many
windows. In addition to the living-dining room, the upstairs contained
three bedrooms, two full baths, a small kitchen, and a large wooden back
deck. Downstairs were a fourth bedroom, a half bath, a recreation room,
and a huge, high-ceilinged double garage. All through the house, the
white walls were spotless; Bill still hadn't hung a single picture.

I chuckled when I noticed that he hadn't yet used his dishwashing
machine. Was he in for a change, living with us! I often teased Emily
about being a walking tornado because she constantly left dirty clothes
and dishes in her wake.

Learning to Communicate

Bill and I continued to work at the same insurance company. Because he
had to be there at 6 AM, he usually left before dawn in his blue pickup truck.
I started work at eight. Although we got along well there, at home, our



tempers often flared. We both were accustomed to being in control, and
neither of us had learned how to constructively express our hurt feelings and
anger. I cried a lot and wrote him dozens of angry, barbed notes.

Sometimes, when I was icy and uncommunicative, Bill grabbed my
wrist and pulled me into our bedroom. He closed the door and made me
kneel with him on the carpet to ask God for help. He usually started by
praying and telling God what he felt and needed. Then he waited
patiently until I did the same.

Believing that God was in the room with us, I felt safer to say what
I really felt. Although our prayer sessions were extremely painful, we
were learning how to be honest with each other about our feelings.


Almost every day, Emily and Bill snapped at each other. The more she
rebelled, the more frustrated he felt. And yet, he showed her a kindness
and gentleness that I was incapable of. I felt ashamed when I realized he
was a better mother to her than I was. Instead of constantly restricting
and punishing her, he tried to negotiate her privileges. I hated myself and
wondered if they would be better off without me.

As hard as Bill tried to work things out with her, however, their dis-
agreements escalated in intensity. Tired of all the stress, slammed doors,
tears and barbed words hurled back and forth, and Emily's insistence that
she'd be happier with her dad, I decided she should live with Albert for
a while-so she'd appreciate what she had with us. Albert agreed to the
temporary arrangement when I promised that he wouldn't have to pay
child support.

After Emily moved into Albert's trailer in November, she refused to
talk to me. I was devastated. Several times each week, Albert called me
at work to tell me how well she was doing at home and at school.
Although I felt sad that I'd failed as her parent, I was glad that she'd
finally found some happiness and stability.


In December, the sky fell. Albert called me at work to tell me that
Emily had just been arrested at school with Geena's gun in her

New Family


possession, the safety off. He said Emily had planned to shoot another girl
who-fearing Emily's rage-had chosen to stay home that day.

Emily later told me that after shooting the girl, she knew she was
"supposed to" walk into the school cafeteria, climb up on a table, and
"blow her brains out all over everybody." 2 I'm deeply grateful that the
principal was able to talk her into giving him the gun without anyone
being hurt.

On the day Emily appeared in Juvenile Court, Bill and I sat as close as
we could to the judge's bench. Although Albert had sheepishly admitted
to me that Emily had recently become an Aryan skinhead, I was unpre-
pared for her drastic change in appearance.

She wore a dirty denim jacket with the words, "Sex Pistols," hand
written on it in thick, black magic marker. A large Nazi swastika was
visible from the far end of the courtroom. She'd shaved her head in a
Chelsea, a style that she later explained was fashionable for Nazi skin-
head girls. Only her dyed bangs and a "tail" at the nape of her neck

Because I didn't remember the Aryan network or its meetings or
rituals, I was stunned that she'd turned into a hard-core skinhead in just
one month!

Although she knew that Bill and I were present in the courtroom,
Emily refused to acknowledge us. At first she seemed rigid and defiant,
but when the judge gave his sentence, her face crumpled into a frightened
little girl's. I wanted to hurdle the benches, run to her, and enfold her in
my arms. I hurt so badly, knowing I couldn't do anything to comfort her.

Christmas was especially painful for Bill and me. The judge wouldn't
allow Emily to leave the county juvenile detention center. I brought a
specially embossed Bible to the center as her Christmas present. I hoped
she would draw the same hope and strength from it that I did. It only
angered her again. My heart broke more when she welcomed holiday
visits from Albert and Geena, but not from us.


Emily's assigned county caseworker believed that Emily's acting-out
was a symptom of hidden family problems. She wisely arranged for
Emily to enter a juvenile rehabilitation program at the Crossroads of



Chattanooga facility in Tennessee. Each of its large cottages housed an
individualized recovery program. Emily stayed in her adolescent cottage
for over a month.

Before her discharge, she invited Albert, Geena, Bill, and me to her
"family week" sessions. Although Albert declined, Bill and I attended
them together. Initially there to support her, we both soon realized that
we also needed professional help.

Because of what I learned about chemical addictions and dysfunctional
family systems during that intensive week-long program, I recognized that
our family was a mess. More important, I realized that I was almost com-
pletely disconnected from my emotions. I didn't feel fear, except for
Emily's and Bill's health and safety. I felt no love, happiness, emotional
warmth, or empathy. This frightened me. Why was I so emotionally frozen?

Emily's counselors gave me a challenge with a promise: if I would
enter Crossroads' 28-day adult inpatient codependency therapy program,
they'd recommend to the judge that Emily be placed back in our home.
Unable to bear the thought of losing her again, I took a month-long leave
of absence from my job and entered the program.

Letting Go

After Emily was discharged from the adolescent unit at Crossroads,
she lived with us for several more years before marrying and starting a
new life with her young husband. Until she moved out, our relationship
stayed extremely rocky. Although Emily continued to block out what
she'd endured in the past, she unwittingly acted it out in nearly every way

While she was with us, I took her to a succession of therapists and hos-
pitals, looking for a miracle for her-and for us. I didn't understand then,
as I do now, that in part, I was frantically fighting to keep her alive
because somewhere in my mind, she and Rose (who I didn't remember)
were one. Even after Emily married and moved away, I still tried to save
her from death - especially when she was suicidal.

One night, after spending the day with Emily and her young family,
I was alone in a hotel room bathroom while Bill slept. As
I thought about my conversations earlier that day with Emily, how she
again threatened to suicide, even telling me about her plans for her

New Family


funeral, I had a devastating moment of truth: by obsessively holding onto
Emily and trying to save her from self destruction, I was actually feed-
ing her suicidal tendencies and her exponential, destructive rage towards
me. Over the years, I'd conditioned her to depend on me, which now kept
her from being able to feel good about what she could do for herself.

Realizing this, I knew I had a choice. I could continue to lead us both
down a destructive path, or I could distance myself from her and work to
break our emotional dependency on each other.

When I first distanced myself from Emily, I began to experience the
fullness of my suppressed grief from having lost Rose in such a sudden and
brutal way. I had never experienced such pain. By working through that
grief a little bit at a time-it was as much as I could survive-I was able to
recognize that Rose and Emily were two totally different entities in my life.

Now, I feel a long-distance love for Emily that is wholly separate from
what I will always feel for my baby girl. I smile now, as unexpected
flashes of Emily's childhood come back to me. She was a sweet and
beautiful child, and I am comforted with the new-found knowledge that,
as broken and unstable as I was in the past, I did dearly love her and did
want the best for her.

A great tragedy between us remains: now that I have the capability to
truly love her for the person she is and always was, she is unwilling to
trust and receive my love. (And really, can I blame her? This is her right!) 3

Can there someday be a happy ending for us as mother and adult
daughter? I don't know. And I don't know what's ahead for either one of
us-no one has that kind of foresight. Every day, I find myself hoping that
she will eventually encounter helpful support and a way to heal. Maybe
it's already happening for her.

In the meantime, regardless of what happens to her, to Bill, or to any-
one else I dearly love, whether it be life or death or anything in-between,
I must focus on my own healing and recovery, and on doing what I
believe is right for my own life.

From these painful experiences, I have extracted a powerful and
life-changing truth: the only person I have the power to save is me.


1. Because Bill is firm about maintaining secrecy concerning his past activities for
ASA, our first encounter at the insurance company remains his cover story for how



our relationship began. I respect his right to keep secrets, and he honors my right
to speak out about my experiences with him.

2. Her too-calm statement that she was "supposed to" kill herself after killing the
other girl sent chills through me. Now, I wonder: was it a hypnotically implanted
command? If so, who had put it in her mind, and why was she commanded to self-
destruct? What she said she was "supposed" to do was eerily similar to what we've
witnessed time and time again over the last decade, in public schools throughout
the US. What is happening to our young people?

3. This is perhaps one of the strongest grievances I have against the FMSF: some of its
most outspoken members seem to insist that adult children do not have the right to
distance themselves from childhood families that they believe are detrimental to
their mental and physical health. I believe this proves those FMSF members' true
motivations. If parents truly love their adult children, they will give them all the time
and space they need to find their own way in life-even if it means grieving their
absence. Control addicts cannot bear to lose control of their victims, whereas truly
caring parents will-despite the pain-let their loved ones go their own way without
making private and public recriminations against them. The greatest gift we can give
ourselves, and our children, is encouragement, to build independent lives, and to
teach them how to become self-sufficient. I wish I had learned this, sooner.

Reality Check


In the summer of 1989, after Emily was discharged, I hesitantly
entered Crossroads of Chattanooga's adult codependency program. I
didn't like the idea of sharing my thoughts and feelings with a group of
strangers. Still, for Emily's sake, I believed I must try.

Since most people with dependent tendencies focus on others to
avoid their own needs and problems, the counselors in our cottage
insisted that visits, phone calls, and incoming mail be kept to a
minimum. Since my handlers and family couldn't use phone calls and
mail to trigger me into silence and forgetfulness, I was safe to begin
to remember.

In group therapy sessions, I listened to other patients talk about why
they were there. Most of them were there because they had relatives
suffering from chemical addictions. Although I talked a little about
Emily's arrest, I sensed that my problem was much deeper.

Each patient was asked to draw a chart of major life events from early
childhood to the present. Most of the childhood side of my chart was
blank. As for the events I could remember, I didn't know how old I'd
been, or when they'd occurred. When I compared my chart to those
of other patients, I noticed that most of them had remembered the dates
of important life events. Why couldn't I? 1

Our codependency group performed two sets of relaxation exercises
in a room where we lay on our backs on the floor, listening to either a
female counselor's soft voice or to a cassette recording. Each time, we
were told to visualize ourselves walking along a path through a forest,
then finding unexpected treasure. Each time, I had flashbacks, sat up, and
looked around the room to make the flashbacks stop.

I didn't want to believe what I was remembering: that when I was
a child, my father had sexually assaulted me. Deeply shaken, I told
no one.





One day, as I relaxed on a lounge chair near the facility's outdoor pool,
another memory unfolded: it was daytime, because sunlight streamed
through a window. I, an adolescent, was alone with Dad in his bed in
Snellville, Georgia. We were both naked under a white sheet. He smiled
as he moved towards me. The memory was so vivid, I couldn't make it
go away. Again, I told no one.

Several days later, we were taken in a van to a nearby shopping mall
to see a Batman movie. About halfway through it, I had more flashbacks.
During the drive back to the cottage, I hyperventilated and wept. What
was wrong with me?

After we arrived at the cottage, an older, gentle female counselor
walked with me on a path that circled it. Because we were not allowed to
take medications, she held a cold, wet washcloth against my forehead as
I continued to cry, uncontrollably. She and the other counselors waited
patiently, careful not to suggest anything.

During the next few days, I had numerous flashbacks of Dad perpetrat-
ing sexual acts against me and two other children in our bathroom
in Reiffton, Pennsylvania. I wondered, "Why now? Why hadn't I known
it all along? Could I be making it up?" My assigned counselor was
concerned when I told her that Dad still had easy access to young
children. She insisted I go to the authorities after my discharge and tell
them what I was remembering. Although I agreed to do that, I felt uncom-
fortable-what if Dad wasn't hurting children anymore? Wouldn't I then be
hurting him?

Notifying the Authorities

After I returned to Atlanta, I balked for about a week. Then I decided
to send separate certified letters, one to my stepmother at home and the
other to Dad at work, asking to meet with them. In the letters, I hinted at
what I'd remembered. A day or so later, my stepmother called to say that
she'd made Dad leave. After receiving my letter, she'd discovered that Dad
was now molesting at least two children. When they were taken for a
medical examination, physical evidence was found. They met with a

Reality Check


child psychiatrist, and the eldest child gave a videotaped statement to
a detective at the DeKalb Police Department Sex Crimes division, that
incriminated Dad.

Not knowing what the children had said, I provided the detective an
independent, handwritten statement about what I'd remembered. 2 I hadn't
yet been told what the eldest child had disclosed during the videotaped
interview. After I gave my statement, the detective told me that it was
nearly identical to what the child victim had stated. I broke down and wept
with both relief and dismay: I was happy to hear I wasn't crazy, but
dammit, this meant the memories were real! I didn't want my dad to be a
child molester, and I didn't want to accept that he'd sexually abused me!

Arrest Warrant

On August 26, 1989, a criminal warrant was issued for Dad's arrest.
It stated that Dad "did commit an immoral or indecent act to or in the
presence of [a child] . . . with the intent to arouse or satisfy the sexual
desires of either the child or himself."

He was arrested, placed in jail, and released on bail shortly thereafter.


As I met with an assistant D.A. to prepare to testify against Dad, he
warned me that Dad was facing a maximum prison sentence of sixty
years. That upset me; although I didn't want Dad to hurt more children,
I still cared about him and didn't want him to be put in prison.

During the next several months, Dad became openly hostile towards
me. His behavior helped me to realize he wasn't the father I'd made him
to be in my mind.

He told people in his church and community that I'd gone to
Crossroads because of a "drug problem." He said my therapists had
implanted the memories in my mind. He said that I wanted him
sexually and was therefore lying to my stepmother to influence her to
divorce him-so that I could have him to myself!

He also tried to intimidate me through the mail. He sent a photo album
full of pictures from my childhood. Attached to it was a plaque with the
words, "Recipe for a happy marriage." Although I was pleased with the



pictures, I felt nauseous as I read the plaque. He also sent a series of
greeting cards with threatening messages-some coded, some overt.

He instructed one of his criminal attorneys to send me a letter,
threatening to sue me for interfering with his marriage. He attempted
to subpoena my Crossroads records. He even admitted hiring a
female private detective to secretly investigate me and "dig up dirt"
about me.

When I learned of Dad's actions, I was heartbroken. His behaviors
proved that he didn't love me, and that he now believed I was his enemy.
That thought especially frightened me, although I didn't know why.

I continued to have visual flashbacks of his having sexually assaulted
me and other children, and decided to go back to work to get my mind
off the past for a little while. Too much of an emotional wreck to go back
to a full-time office job, I applied for a part-time position as cashier at a
nearby McDonald's fast food restaurant.

Left-Hand Memories

When I was at home, I constantly struggled with sensory overload.
Day and night, I endured many visual flashbacks and strong physical and
emotional memories known as abreactions.

Most of the journals I wrote during that time were about bits and
pieces of memory that emerged throughout my waking hours. They were
usually visual, odorous, physical, and/or audible. Some days, I had ten or
more flashbacks in succession, all of them totally disconnected from
each other. Each flashback usually contained no more than a half-
minute's worth of memory. Their abruptness made journaling very frus-
trating, because they had no "before" and no "after." 3

As I sat on my bed and journaled some of them, they were like opened
doors that led into full memories. And like the ends of threads of individ-
ual memories, if I was willing to relax, trust, and follow the threads, the
rest of these particular memories came quickly.

A new problem soon developed. I was so mentally stuck in the past
that I kept forgetting what month or year it now was. To remedy that,
I affixed a large calendar to our kitchen wall and I marked off each day.
After completing each morning's journaling, I wrote the current date on
the top of the first page. Writing and seeing the current date seemed to
help bring me back into the present.

Reality Check


I also experimented with "right hand/left hand writing." I'd learned at
Crossroads that writing with my right hand accessed information stored
in the left side of my brain, while writing with my left hand accessed
information stored in the right half. After journaling in the morning with
my right hand, I then put the pen into my left hand and gave permission
to hidden parts of my mind to journal. That technique helped me to
access suppressed memories, and was my first attempt at connecting
with alter-states that I still didn't know I had. 4

One day in December, after Bill had left for work, I tried to learn more
of what I'd blocked out from my childhood. Sitting cross-legged on the
middle of the bed, I put the pen in my left hand. Immediately, I felt some-
thing unfamiliar in my mind, as well as new body sensations. The pen
seemed to move on its own:

I . . . Mommy where . . . come in here . . . why won't you come
in . . . don't you know . . . blood red bloody red . . . you bitch
you bastard . . . you knew and you didn't stop and you didn't
try to stop ... He broke me He broke the red thing in me . . .
You didn't come in the room . . . You stayed safe in another
room . . . bloody red hands . . . bloody red ... I hurt in
my tummy I gagged and went to throw up . . . bloody bloody
hands . . . dad you are a god-damned animal you broke me your
prick is as big as a house . . . what you did hurt me in my
tummy . . . bloody red bloody red hands . . . my peehole legs
are bloody red ... It is getting down my legs stop moving stop
blood stop . . . What I want ... I want you to stay away from
me ... I want you to love me ... I want you to do it again . . .
You felt so good in me . . . you screwed up you made a
mistake now what . . . she'll catch us . . . you are my prince . . .
you make me feel real special . . . just between you and
me . . . let's not tell her she's just a bitch anyway . . . you
deserve better . . . you deserve ME!

I remained conscious as that child part of my broken mind told me
more of what I had previously been unable to remember. In succession,
I vividly experienced the pain, the too-big penetration, the fear, the
unwanted sexual stimulation, the anger towards Mom for not stopping
Dad, the adoration towards the man who had just raped me and torn my
flesh. Weeping, I put the pen in my right hand and wrote to the child part



of me as I would have to an external child. I explained that what Dad had
done was wrong and the child was not to blame.

I put the pen in my left hand again. Another unpleasant memory
emerged in writing. Again, my body was racked by the sensations of Dad
raping me.

Mommy . . . why didn't you stop him ... He kept eating me
up ... No one could stop him ... he was big and strong ... he
laughed if I tried to fight him ... he pinned my arms to the
side of the bed ... he made my legs like scissors ... he was a
robot ... He put his prick in me it hurt it hurt it hurt it hurt it
hurt it hurt it hurt it hurt it hurt ... it hurt it hurt it hurt it hurt
it hurt it hurt it hurt I cried Oh God how could this happen to
me I've been a good girl ... he gave me a candy cane to suck
on while he washed me . . . Mom and brothers were gone
shopping . . . Dad was babysitting me ... I had a cold I felt so
awful . . . How could he do it to a sick girl

Freed by my left-hand writing, these memories slammed me. Every
time I wrote with my left hand, I learned more than I could bear.
I screamed when my body relived another childhood rape. I slammed
myself into walls as I physically relived Dad throwing me against walls
in the past. On my back on the floor, I bucked as I physically relived Dad
humping my little body.

Trying to make me feel better, Bill teased that I should carry a "snot
bucket" around the house because I cried so much. Trying to find humor
in my pain, I told him that I should buy stock in the Kleenex tissue
corporation. Making jokes took the edge off a bit, but it didn't make the
pain and horror go away. More and more, I feared what else lurked in my
unconscious mind.

Exhausted at night, I laid my head on my husband's legs as I watched
TV with him. When I closed my eyes, I saw Dad's penis coming at my
face again. I wept.

West Paces Ferry Hospital

After Dad's arrest, my stepmother learned about a support group for
family members of sexual offenders that met once a week at West Paces

Reality Check


Ferry Hospital, northwest of Atlanta. When we went to a meeting we
heard hard, cold facts about criminal mentality that made me realize that
Dad would probably do whatever he could, to avoid prison. Although
I had still hoped that he'd choose to tell the truth for the children's sake,
I had to consider that he might never do that.

I worried more and more about Dad's future. Because he still ran for
miles every day, I feared he wouldn't survive being in a locked facility.
I didn't want to hurt him. And yet, if he'd recently assaulted children, he
was dangerous. I knew if I testified against him, I'd never have a chance
of receiving real love from him. I asked God to give me the strength to
testify, and to give me the love that my earthly father never would.

We didn't know that Dad's court-appointed psychiatrist was actively
working to have him evaluated on an in-patient basis as part of the hospi-
tal's Sexual Behavior Treatment Program. Had he gone into that program,
the rest of this story might have had a better ending-but it doesn't. His
AT&T medical insurance plan refused to pay for his treatment there.

Dr. Adams

On November 17, 1989, Dad received an indictment from a 23 -member
DeKalb County Grand Jury for three counts of child molestation. To pre-
pare for his defense, he met privately with Dr. Henry Adams, a professor
of psychology at the University of Georgia in Athens. In a subsequent
civil deposition, Dad described Adams as "the leading authority on
sexual abuse in children." Adams (deceased) had previously testified for
the defense in the infamous "Little Rascals" ritual abuse trial.

Because Dad lied throughout his deposition, I do not know how many
of his statements about his conversations with Adams were valid. Dad
claimed that Adams said Crossroads was a sexual encounter clinic.
I believe Dad was telling the truth about that, because before he'd met
with Adams, he hadn't used that particular argument:

[Adams] claims that . . . there are a number of people, mainly
fundamentalist ministers, who are setting up a number of
bogus psychological clinics all over the country. They call
them sexual encounter clinics. Almost everybody that goes into
these clinics comes out sexually abused, across the board . . .
he said this is the kind of thing that's happening all over the



country right now. It's called scapegoating, where you dump
all of your problems, whatever they are, on the person who
raised you, as sexual abuse. (Deposition 76-77)

Suicide Attempt

Although Dad eventually enlisted Dr. Adams to testify for his defense in
the upcoming trial, he became suicidal immediately after one of his initial
meetings with the doctor. Dad later told his estranged wife that first, he
visualized himself driving into a concrete bridge support. Then he "saw"
himself climbing to the top of a nearby mountain and throwing himself off
the side. Although he successfully fought off the first two urges, he then
checked into a hotel near home, cut both of his wrists deeply with a razor
blade, then went to their house to enlist her help. Seeing the blood, she
called a neighbor who was a nurse. That woman in turn called the police.

One of the responding officers wrote: "He stated that he was very
depressed because he is facing four counts of child abuse, and felt that
suicide was the only way out of it."

According to that officer's memorandum, when he tried to talk Dad
into seeking professional help, Dad said, "You don't know how bad it is,
the prosecutor is . . . out to get me; I'm probably facing the rest of my
life in prison; [he] is half prosecutor and half crusader."

After being taken to a medical facility, Dad was transferred to a psy-
chiatric hospital where he stayed for several weeks. While being treated
for depression and suicidal ideations, he developed a plan of action
designed to help him feel more in control of his future.

Because I was quite shaken by Dad's drastic action, the assistant
district attorney told me that one of the reasons Dad might have cut his
wrists was to influence me not to testify against him (if so, it nearly
worked). He reminded me that the welfare of the child victims, not Dad's
mental state, should be my primary concern. I feel grateful that the assis-
tant DA believed me and the children. His swift and determined action
against Dad probably saved them and other children from being sexually
assaulted, and worse.

When Dad was released from the hospital, he traveled to a conference
at Disney World in Orlando, Florida. After that, he traveled to
Pennsylvania to spend several days with his childhood family.

Reality Check


At Dad's request, the judge handling the criminal case moved the
grand jury hearing forward by several months, making the older child's
videotaped testimony inadmissible in court. I was told that the child
would have to testify in Dad's presence.

As much as I loved Dad and wanted the best for him, I didn't believe
I had any other choice than to testify against him. Clearly, he was still
capable of sexually assaulting little children. I wanted to be a solid wit-
ness and not fall apart in court. I didn't dare tell anyone that I constantly
visualized myself talking like a little girl on the witness stand.

I knew I wasn't ready to go through with it. Terrified and ashamed,
I didn't know who to tell. When I prayed for additional strength, none came.


1. Carla Emery explained why amnesia is used to keep a "hypno-robot" from remem-
bering and breaking free:

The hypnotic suggestion that makes a subject most likely to carry out
orders contrary to their self-interest is amnesia. The most important
element in a case of abusive hypnosis is amnesia. The biggest road-
block to uncovering a crime of criminal hypnosis is amnesia. Amnesia
is, therefore, the central problem of a survivor of abusive hypnosis.
It is central to the operator's setup, central to the years of secret life
hidden under the consciously known one, central to the struggle to
escape and heal. (pg. 227)

2. Before the oldest child disclosed that child's negative experiences with Dad, the
adults who carefully questioned the child did not indicate what I'd said about my
own memories. The child freely and willingly disclosed to them-in graphic detail-
without being coached.

3. "Psychogenic amnesias are quite different [from organic amnesia] in their origin, as
the causes are psychological and tend to involve the repression of disturbing memo-
ries which are unacceptable to the patient at some deep subconscious level.
Psychogenic amnesias can be disorienting and disruptive to the patient, but they are
rarely completely disabling, and as there is no actual brain damage they are reversible
and in most cases will eventually disappear." (Groome, et al., pp. 137-138)

4. One of the therapeutic memory recovery techniques that FMSF spokespersons
occasionally ridicule and try to discredit is left-hand writing. I believe they attack
its credibility because they don't want the public to know how well it works!


U^<uJ -you',

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A month later, in January of 1990, my abreactions and flashbacks
increased in intensity and frequency. Although I'd been consulting with
a local therapist, she wasn't used to working with sexual abuse survivors,
and didn't know how to help me-other than to listen.

I learned about an eight-day Intensive Experiential Program (IEP) at
Charter-Peachford, a psychiatric hospital north of Atlanta. The next IEP
session would start in one week. I signed up for it, believing it would give
me the strength and tools I needed to keep on going.

That Monday night, Bill and I went to a banquet hosted by a funda-
mentalist Baptist Bible college that we both attended. Sometime between
that night and the following Wednesday morning, Dad died.

Dreaming of Justice

On Wednesday morning, I awoke from an unusually strong, vivid,
symbolic dream. In it, Dad was dressed like a desperado cowboy. Chased
by a big gray wolf, he rode a brown horse down a steep hill. At the
bottom, he crossed a stream; the wolf stayed on the other side. Knowing
he was finally free, Dad smiled. I smiled too and felt happy for him.
Then, as Dad looked at the gray wolf, a huge black wolf, its hackles
raised, emerged from a dark cave above Dad and his horse. As it moved
stealthily towards them, a bell slowly tolled.

The dream changed. I saw a huge, blond male angel, robed in white.
As he stood and watched the wolf kill Dad (I didn't see it), he held the
oldest child witness in his arms. The angel said, "Now justice is served.
The child is mine." I woke up, trembling, still hearing the bell toll.

The dream was so powerful, I never forgot any of the details. At that
time, I believed it was a message from God.




Phone Call

Several hours later, as I stood behind the counter at McDonald's, I was
still dazed by the dream. As I pondered it, my stepmother called on the
phone and said, "Kathy, your father is gone." I felt relieved, thinking that
she meant Dad had gone underground to start a new life. She elaborated:
"Your father is dead." My hands and body turned to ice and I became
robotic. My manager told me to go home. I never went back to that job.

At home, I called my stepmother. She said Dad's body had been found
on the back seat of his Grand Prix in the garage that morning by his
apartment manager and his criminal lawyer, who grew alarmed when Dad
didn't show up for an appointment.

She said because Dad's body had started to decompose, making the
time of death impossible to determine, the coroner had instead used the
time of the discovery of his body.

Believing God must have given me the dream to prepare me for
the news of Dad's death, I told her about it. After I hung up the phone,
I dropped to my knees and cried with grief while at the same time
thanking Him for having protected the children. I didn't know how I was
going to survive the rest of the week-I felt so cold!

Final Visit

Because I needed all the support I could find to get me through the
next couple of days, I went to my weekly codependency group therapy
meeting the next evening. After that, I planned to go to the funeral home
to see Dad's body. The support group encouraged me to spend time
alone with his body, reminding me that I needed to say goodbye to him.
My stepmother agreed, and arranged for me to have a half-hour alone
with his body, despite grumblings from some of his business-suited

Dad's official cause of death was sequelae of carbon monoxide
poisoning. And yet, I've since been advised by three different profession-
als who are familiar with the effects of carbon monoxide poisoning, that
the car exhaust would have turned Dad's skin bright blue. One calls the
unusual color, "Smurf blue."



If these professionals are correct, I am not suggesting that the
forensic examiner didn't do a thorough job. According to an article
in the Atlanta paper from that time period, his office was swamped
with cases. Several of the consultants told me that the examiner
probably didn't see any point in pursuing an investigation because no
one was raising a fuss about his death, and all other signs did point to

When I was alone with Dad's body in the funeral home, it was
so swollen I had difficulty recognizing it. The only way I could positively
identify him was by standing beyond the crown of his head and looking
at him lengthwise. My stepmother had warned me that his skin was
dark red from the carbon monoxide. Although I believed her, I still
needed to see it for myself. As I stared at his face and neck, I noticed
that someone had covered the skin with heavy beige makeup. I had
to know. I unbuttoned the collar of his white shirt and saw that the
skin beneath it was dark red. The body really was Dad's, and he really
was dead.


The following day, my brothers, their wives and children, my
stepmother and half-siblings, Dad's sister and her husband, and others
gathered in a small room next to the church sanctuary to prepare for his
funeral. Other visitors joined us, including a retired, slim, grey-haired
pediatrician who had been a neighbor and close friend of Dad's for years.
Although I didn't yet recognize that man, he glared at me with obvious
hatred and loudly told whoever would listen, that I'd lied about Dad.
I later learned that Dad had claimed in his deposition that this man had
actively coached him for his defense-including telling him to say that
I'd wanted Dad, sexually.

When Mom entered the room, I broke down and wept, happy
that she'd come to comfort us. Instead, she grabbed my arm tightly,
pulled me out into the hallway, and said I had to get myself together and
not let my brothers see me cry. I remembered what the people in the
support group had told me: I had the right and the need to grieve.
Defiantly, I told Mom I would cry as much and as often as I needed to.



I remained stunned by her callousness as we silently walked back into
the waiting room.

The funeral was surprisingly healing for me. Dad's Methodist pastor
didn't try to pretend that Dad had been anyone other than who he really
was. He didn't try to minimize or cover up for what Dad had done.
He did tell us that on the previous Sunday night, Dad had walked up to
the altar and had asked the pastor to pray with him. That gave me some

Dad's death was one of the most shattering experiences in my
life because he was the first person I had ever bonded with. When
I was young, we were much closer than a father and daughter should ever
be. He had been my first long-term sex partner. And yet, I was also
able-at least as an adult-to love him in a non-sexual way. Some
of the love and grief that I felt after his death was for the terribly
wounded little boy inside who had never had a chance to grow up
and experience love. For the funeral, I purchased a flower arrangement
with a small teddy bear, and addressed the card to that little boy.

Perhaps part of my ability to love Dad non-sexually had come
from what I had learned about God as a little girl. I'd almost always
believed that He cared about me when no human did. And although
He couldn't make the bad people stop, or magically pick me up in
His arms and carry me to safety, I believed that He'd always been
with me.

I believe that God also gave me the ability to love Dad because
of the love I'd received from caring people. Unfortunately, Dad had
been too broken to be able to receive my love-his soul had been a


Due to his prior arrangements, Dad's body was cremated after the
funeral. Ironically, that wasn't dissimilar to what he'd done to the bodies
of some of his ritual victims. His widow scattered his ashes in a ceme-
tery fountain. This could have symbolized the way he'd denied some of
his victims a burial place. I still have no place to go, to kick his headstone
and curse his memory or fall down on my knees and tell him again how



much I love him. His family has no place to put flowers, just as I'd had
no place to put flowers to honor my baby girl.

In so many ways, the giant blond angel in my dream had been right:
justice was served.


Mom and her second husband stayed in our home through the
following weekend. On Sunday, the day before I entered the hospital,
Bill received an emergency call from work, informing him that the
building's burglar alarm had been triggered. As he exited the house,
climbed into his truck, and prepared to drive away, Mom walked towards
him. His window was down. Knowing that the rest of us were still asleep,
Mom leaned in, pulled Bill's head towards her, and kissed him full and
hard on the lips.

Stunned, Bill moved his head away and said, "I want you to know I'm
a happily married man."

She looked surprised, then stepped back and said, "Well then, I'm
happy for you."

As Bill drove away, he felt angry and decided he would have no more
contact with her.

That same afternoon, I lay down on my bed to take another nap-I was
so exhausted! As I relaxed, Mom came in and sat down next to me. I was
shocked as she quietly told me not to tell anyone at the hospital about
her; then she said that if I did, she'd have me killed. 1

When she finished speaking, she gently stroked my hair. That
made me feel crazy. Because the two conflicting realities about
Mom's personality and motives clashed, one had to go. When I woke up
later, I didn't remember the instruction and threat, and believed
she'd come into the bedroom to comfort me. Her touch lingered for

For twelve years, Bill stayed silent about Mom's inappropriate
behavior earlier that morning. He was furious that she'd done it when my
dad had just died, and I was deeply grieving. He was certain, and I agree,
that because Mom was never a casual social kisser, she had
cold-bloodedly attempted to seduce him. 2




Throughout his adult life, Dad had secretly operated on the dark
edge of society. He'd locked himself into an insatiable sex addiction with
his back to an unyielding wall that had blocked off the immense pain
fueling and driving the addiction. He died a lonely man who had spewed
his incessant pain and rage onto innocent victims for probably more than
forty years. When the sexual addiction had stopped working in the last
decade of his life, I had also watched him turn to cocaine to numb his
psychic pain.

Until a sex addict is willing to stay away from other sex addicts and
victims, and actively seeks help to go through the childhood pain that sex
temporarily numbs, that addict cannot give or feel genuine love. Most
sex addicts confuse sex with love, perhaps because as children, they'd
been seduced or sexually assaulted by adults who had claimed to rape or
molest them because they "loved" them. For these victims, the concepts
of "sex" and "love" are super-glued together. Too many sex addicts
believe if others have sex with them and accept their bodies, then they are
loved and accepted. What a sad lie!

Because I was addicted to sex for decades, I have no right to judge
others who still struggle with the addiction. I'm one of the lucky ones;
with much therapeutic help and my husband's genuine love and devotion,
I've been able to excavate and accept the excruciating emotional pain
from my childhood that perhaps thousands of orgasms had masked and
medicated-although never for long. I now know that love and sex are two
distinct (albeit overlapping) facets of humanity, and that having sex with
a partner does not guarantee that partner's love.

I recently found a poem, written by an anonymous recovering sex
addict, that seems to be a fitting epitaph for my father:

We know better than others the limits of our sexual addiction:

that it is solitary, furtive, and satisfies only itself,

that, contrary to love, it is fleeting,

that it demands hypocrisy,

that it enfeebles strong sexual feeling,

that it is humorless and cruel,

that it is hollow,

that it distances us from our feelings,



that it works to exclude our family,

that it exploits power over others,

that it destroys good feelings about ourselves,

that it causes us to abuse our bodies, and

that we end up broken and alone.


1. Years after I remembered Mom's death threat, I learned that most people are highly
suggestible to verbal suggestions for several days after a trauma. I believe she knew
that because Dad's death had traumatized me, her words would go deep inside
my mind.

2. Based on numerous memories I've recovered, I am certain that Mom blamed me
for "seducing" Dad. Instead of intervening and protecting me from his sexual
assaults when I was a child, she seemed to view me as a competitor for his
affections. I have yet to recall a single time in which she attempted to intervene as
Dad sexually assaulted me in front of her-in fact, sometimes she gleefully joined
him in the assault. At such times, she seemed to be in her normal state of mind. And
yet, I've also had many memories of her switching into an older "stranger" alter-
state while Dad was absent, punishing me for my sexual sins and calling me a
whore and worse.

A therapist who has worked extensively with child sexual abuse victims and their
mothers told me that a surprising number of mothers do turn against the children
and blame them for "seducing" the mothers' partners. She explained that this espe-
cially occurs if the mother is an unhealed survivor of childhood sexual abuse.
Often, such mothers unconsciously choose a partner with poor sexual boundaries,
which opens the door for the mothers to reenact their repressed traumas by not
intervening and by sometimes even encouraging their partners to assault the
children; and then, blaming the children for the sexual assault.

Rosencrans discovered the same bizarre dynamic when she communicated with
adult female survivors of maternal sexual abuse:

Some of these mothers must feel they have, for better or worse,
reproduced themselves through their daughters. These mothers
may re-experience their childhood pain, ambivalence, and rage
through contact with their daughters, their daughters' little girl
bodies and vulnerability . . . For example, a mother might feel
sexually ashamed and sinful and repeatedly project those feelings



onto her daughter as a way to get them out of herself. The daughter
may take those messages in as true about herself, (pg. 125)

My experience has been that my mother irrationally hated me and
repeatedly sought to harm me and enlisted others to harm me-perhaps because
she had made me "little her". Of course, she was careful to do this only in
private and at gatherings where child abuse was encouraged. For this and other
reasons, I choose not to have any more contact with her. Her shame belongs to
her alone.

Without outside intervention, maternal abuse-including mothers passing on the
baton of undeserved guilt and shame to their daughters for their having been
sexually assaulted-can continue through many generations.



I guess it's common for abuse survivors to fantasize that when their
primary perpetrator dies, their traumatic memories, nightmares, flash-
backs, and abreactions will magically stop. In reality, the opposite often
happens-they get worse.

After Dad's death, the number of flashbacks and abreactions increased
noticeably. I suspect it happened because I felt safer. I was ready to
remember more.

The Monday after his funeral, as prearranged, I entered the eight-day
Intensive Experiential Program (IEP) at the Charter-Peachford psychi-
atric hospital. I was still hoping for a quick fix.

Upon admission, my diagnosis was major depression. 1 Post-Traumatic
Stress Disorder (PTSD) delayed was added later. 2 As a nurse led
me by the hand to the IEP unit, I noticed that a large part of me seemed
to have died. I was beyond exploring my emotions anymore. They were

Most of my eight days in the Intensive Experiential Program were a
blur. One day, I play-acted a mock funeral at a female counselor's
suggestion, pretending that Dad's body lay on the floor, surrounded by
small paper cups symbolizing lit candles. Although I said-to Dad-what
the counselor suggested, I still felt nothing.

A day or two later, she told our therapy group to visualize stepping
"on and off a stage" during a skit. As I did, I flashbacked and relived a
pornography shoot that Dad had forced me to participate in when I was
small. I sat on the floor with my back to a row of wooden cabinets and
refused to budge until the flashbacks subsided.

One night, our group was herded into a room outside our unit to watch
Barbara Streisand's movie, Nuts. We were left there, unsupervised.
I wasn't prepared for the content of the movie-it included a very sick
relationship between Barbara's character and her father. Halfway
through the movie, I started to hyperventilate and weep. When I couldn't
stop, a neatly groomed, gray-haired male patient comforted me as he




guided me back to our unit. A nurse standing behind a window told me to
sit on a sofa until she had time to talk to me. I kept shaking and sobbing.

I didn't know that a friend from Hebron came to the hospital each
week to encourage recovering alcoholics. I was surprised to hear his voice
as he spoke to the nurse behind me. He was equally surprised to see me sit-
ting there, and hugged me as I wept even more. His unexpected presence
restored my spiritual footing. After that, I believed that no matter what
other surprises emerged from my subconscious, God still cared about me.

On the last day of the experiential program, we had a small graduation
ceremony. Without warning, the head counselor told me I would have to
stay in the hospital. As each of the other patients said goodbye to me and
walked out the door to awaiting loved ones, I wanted to die. Having come
there to take me home, Bill was angry. We were equally in denial about
the severity of my condition.

That weekend, I was placed in a dual diagnosis unit that housed
patients who had a combination of mental difficulties and chemical
addictions. Because I didn't understand why I was there, I grew more
depressed and stopped eating altogether. After meeting with a psychiatrist,
I was transferred to the hospital's general adult psych ward. There,
I enrolled in an experiential track that was similar to the IEP.

In those group therapy sessions, our petite, gentle female counselor used
techniques similar to what I'd learned at Crossroads. They included Gestalt
methods, relaxation, and visualization. Because all of the counselors were
careful not to use guided imagery that could suggest memories, mine
emerged on their own.

I remembered that when I had been in the city of Atlanta one day as a
teenager, I'd been sexually assaulted by a group of Black men in a
run-down neighborhood. I relived the emotional pain of seeing their
neighbors stand on their front porches across the street from the empty
lot, watching silently as the men group-raped me. No one tried to stop
them. I relived the rape so intensely that I felt the sharp corner of a par-
tially buried brick press into the back of my head as I left my body by
focusing on wispy clouds in the blue sky above.

I also worked through previously recalled torture memories in greater
detail. Although I felt embarrassed about sharing the memories with
male patients in group therapy, their gentleness and genuine concern
helped me to understand that not all men were like Dad. I needed to
know that.



During my two-month stay at Charter-Peachford, I was aware that
I seemed to be at least two people: a rebellious teenager and a cooperative
adult patient. I didn't tell anyone because I was afraid that I'd be kept
there longer. 3

Dr. V., my assigned psychiatrist, was petite, dark-haired, and intelligent.
When I told her that I was embarrassed about having had so many orgasms
as a child, she said: "Your sexual sensory neuron path developed very
early in your childhood." She helped me to understand that I had no reason
to feel ashamed-it hadn't been my fault.

In our therapy group, we were asked to write affirmations (positive
statements) about each other. Afterwards, we were to go to our bedroom
and look into our own eyes in the bathroom mirror as we read, aloud, the
affirmations that the others had given us. As I spoke to my
mirror image, I felt as if I were lying. Further, I was spooked because a
complete stranger stared back at me. What was happening to me?

Our group therapy counselor consistently challenged us to go beyond
our emotional comfort zones. One of my greatest fears was to be in a
room with Dad, even though he was dead. To help me overcome that fear,
she suggested that I sit on the floor and surround myself with large pillows
to create an imaginary protective barrier that he couldn't breach. Then
she asked who else was I especially afraid of. I said, "My ex-husband."

She asked me to choose two men in the group to represent Dad and
Albert. For Dad, I picked a large, gentle Black man who had become my
buddy. I sensed that he wouldn't hurt me. I picked another man to play
Albert. The counselor asked me to choose someone else to stand guard
between me and the two men. I chose the largest man, also Black, to
protect me from Dad and Albert.

She then asked me to tell "Dad" and "Albert" to go farther and farther
away. Each time I commanded them, the two men took another step back-
wards, until they were out of sight in the hallway. The third man blocked
their way. For the first time in my life, I felt stronger than Dad and Albert.

In music therapy sessions, we were asked to pick our favorite songs
from a large selection of record albums and explain why these songs
were special. My favorite was Leader of the Band by Kenny Loggins.
I said the song represented my relationship with Dad because "he's
my leader, and his blood runs through my veins." Although the music
therapist's expression seemed odd, she made no comment.

One day in art therapy, I fashioned a clay heart with a jagged line down
the middle. I made a clay knife stick out of the crack. Although I knew it



represented what Dad had done to my heart, when asked, I only said that
it represented my relationship with him. The female art therapist looked
stunned, but said nothing. Refusing to take it to my bedroom, I told her
to destroy it.

On another day, I drew a picture on a large piece of white paper with
felt-tipped, colored pens. It was me as a child, lying naked on my back
on Dad's cold, metal power saw table in our basement in Reiffton. He'd
used thick, metal C-clamps to fasten my wrists to each side of the table.
That day, he had worn a red shirt, blue pants, and brown boots. In the pic-
ture, his hands were reaching towards my lower body. This must have
been one of the times he'd tortured me on that table, because I was
unable to draw my body from my chest down. I just left a blank space
where it would have been.

In another art therapy session, I used watercolor paints to draw Dad's
outline. Again, he wore blue pants and a red, long-sleeved shirt. This
time, he held a black wire and a red wire in his outstretched hands. They
were attached to a black battery he'd set on the basement floor. His gray
eyes stared.

In another picture, I used a black felt-tipped pen to make an outline of
what seemed to be a giant bat wearing a black robe. Again, Dad's eyes
stared. His two long fangs were tipped with fresh blood. To his side was
a green-painted, wooden door to a closet. In a child's scrawl, I wrote,
"He raped me in there sitting on the shelf 9 years old."

At no time did our art therapist suggest my memories. Although she
was visibly shocked by nearly every creation, she wisely kept her
hunches to herself.

For many weeks, each time Dr. V. asked me if I was considering suicide,
I honestly told her yes. Since Dad had died, I just didn't feel like living.

Dr. V. brought up another subject: she was concerned that I hadn't
expressed any emotions about my mother. When she encouraged me to
start talking about her in group therapy, I felt strangely frightened. What
if Mom found out? Dr. V. continued to insist.

Still nervous, I agreed to at least think about my relationship with
Mom, although I wasn't willing to talk about her to anyone-including

Although Mom had presented herself as loving and caring when I was
young, she'd been a different creature in the privacy of our home. I'd
always known that she didn't love me. I'd never forgotten an afternoon in
South Carolina, long after Mom had married her second husband, when



she'd insisted I sit beside her on their king-sized bed and listen as she told
me, in detail, what a wonderful lover he was and how he pleased her
sexually. I also never forgot how, from childhood through my adult years,
she'd insisted that I sit on her bed or stand nearby as she sat, naked, in
front of the mirrors in her bathroom-preening. She'd seemed to enjoy
exhibiting her naked body to me, despite my obvious discomfort.

I'd never forgotten a week in our house in Reiffton when she had
walked through the house, up and down the stairs, every day-stark
naked. She'd insisted that she'd done it to tone her muscles. When
we'd protested and asked her to put clothes on, she'd angrily exhibited
herself more !

I'd never forgotten how each time I left her home in South Carolina as
an adult, she gave me at least one paper grocery bag full of steamy paper-
back novels that she'd recently purchased. She'd collected so many erotic
novels, her husband had attached long brown wooden shelves to their
bedroom wall to hold them all. Although I'd told Mom I didn't like the
novels because I was uncomfortable with their detailed descriptions of
intercourse and orgasms, she'd continued to insist that I read all of them.

Away from Mom's presence, I now felt braver to question some of her
past behaviors. I'd always felt uncomfortable with how sexually inappro-
priate she'd been with me, but I'd been too afraid of her to say it to her face.
I decided to send several letters of confrontation to her. Dr. V. advised me
to keep copies of them (I did) and assured me that if Mom really loved me,
she would try to work out our relationship in family therapy. When
I asked Mom to come to my family sessions, however, she flatly refused.
Adhering to our family's "protect Mom at all cost" tradition, another rela-
tive soon contacted me and took me to task for having upset her.

Although Mom never communicated with any of my therapists and
didn't know what my recovery entailed, she nonetheless told family
members, including my teenaged daughter and my stepmother, that I'd
"gone off the deep end" and had inherited a "bipolar disorder from Bill
Shirk's side of the family."

She alternately accused my husband and therapists of implanting
"false memories" about her inappropriate past sexual behaviors in
my mind. Years later, she even sent my teenaged daughter a magazine
article promoting the FMSF's bogus claims about recovered memory.
She said the article "proved" that my memories had been implanted by
therapists ! 4



During the last month of my stay at Charter Peachford, I met an adult
female trauma survivor who had Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD).
I was discomfited by her odd behaviors and stayed away from her as
much as I could. Each time she regressed into a child alter-state, several
nurses led her into her private bedroom that was full of stuffed animals.
Although the nurses always closed the door, we could still hear her
screams as she relived one trauma after another.

After two months, my primary insurer's mental health benefits limit
changed from one million dollars to a hundred thousand. Since I'd stopped
wishing I could die, my secondary insurer claimed that I must be stable
enough to be discharged. I was pleased, because I wanted to go home.
Being in a locked psych ward was too much like prison-I'd had enough.

Before my discharge, Dr. V. asked: "Do you think you might have
amnesia?" I said no. Years later, I realized the irony of my reply-if I had
amnesia, how could I know that I had it?

After my return home, I was surprised at the difficulty I had in per-
forming the most simple chores. I felt like a young child, having to learn
basic life skills all over again. The flashbacks continued, although not as
intense as before. I was convinced that I was almost finished healing.

Clash with Religion

In therapy at the hospital, I'd learned how to identify people who were
overly controlling. I'd also learned how to set mental and emotional
boundaries with them, so they wouldn't take advantage of me. This
caused a problem, because I now felt become uncomfortable with some
of our denomination's teachings-especially its insistence that members
should do whatever the pastors said "God" wanted us to do.

We were even told that God required us to tithe a minimum of ten per-
cent, then twenty percent of our gross income to the church! Our pastor
insisted if we did this, God would "bless" us financially. Although we
complied, the promised blessings never came. Instead, our financial
situation deteriorated.

Still, I tried to believe what we were told in church. During worship
services, I continued to raise my hands and sing praises to God both in
English and in "tongues"-really, babbling like an infant. At the altar,
male leaders and established female members placed their palms on the



heads and bodies of members, to pray for our spiritual help or physical
healing. As usual, their chants and "speaking in unknown tongues"
washed over my mind.

When we sang songs over and over again during the worship part of
each service, we seemed to enter a group trance. We were told that our
subsequent feeling of joyous elation "proved" that God's Holy Spirit was
in the sanctuary. In response to that sensation, we raised our hands and
praised Him. At that point, I entered a total trance state, my eyes rolling
up in their sockets. 5

Being in a trance made it much easier to accept mental suggestions
from the church leaders that otherwise, I would have rejected as ludicrous.
I now believe that was their intention. During the trance, the door to my
subconscious mind opened, flooding my mind with many new flash-
backs. Several church leaders and members tried to convince me (and
perhaps themselves) that my emerging memories and flashbacks were
evidence of demons lurking in my body.

They told me that when I'd consulted with secular therapists, I'd
sinned against God because I'd sought their help instead of His. They
claimed that these rebellious acts had enabled demons to enter my mind
and body. They said the demons were giving me false memories to make
me "accuse the brethren." 6 They repeatedly criticized me for not depend-
ing solely on God, Jesus, and the Bible for healing. They convinced me
to repent and seek spiritual "deliverance" to get rid of the demons, and
said this would make the false memories go away.

Unfortunately, when they encircled me at church or in a member's
home, putting their hands on my body, chanting and speaking in strange
tongues, louder and louder, I relived occult ritual traumas that I'd other-
wise had no memory of. As I abreacted, these people became my former
abusers. 7

I screamed and writhed, although I was in too much of a trance to leap
up and run out of the room. The more I physically struggled and cried
out, the more they were convinced that the "demons" inhabiting my body
were fighting their prayers and the invoked "blood of Jesus." When
I stopped fighting, sometimes after an uncontrollable, ear-splitting
scream, they congratulated themselves for having cast the demons out.

As a result, I felt lower than an ant's belly. And yet, I wanted to believe
that invisible demons had caused the memories and flashbacks. Because
my esteem was still scraping bottom, to occasionally endure several



hours of demeaning deliverance sessions at no cost was vastly preferable
to suffering daily flashbacks and abreactions, spending months in hospitals,
and paying many thousands of dollars for therapy.

I was deeply disappointed when the deliverance sessions didn't stop
my flashbacks and nightmares. I had to face the truth: there was no mag-
ical or supernatural quick fix for the effects of long-term trauma. What
I really needed was courage, time, energy, and support from people who
were either unscathed or had gone through their own recovery.

Some church members tried to silence me in other ways. They insisted
that God wanted me to let go of the past-as if flashbacking and having
vivid, recurring nightmares was a choice! They claimed the Bible said
I was to "forgive and forget" (forgive, yes; forget, no).

They said because God had cleansed me of my sins, I ought not to
revisit them by remembering and talking about them. How odd! I was
remembering sins that had been perpetrated against me as a young child
by my father and other adult predators-and yet they seemed to be saying
that when I was an innocent child, I'd sinned against God by being raped
and tortured! 8

Their constant criticism and lack of emotional support left me feeling as
if I had to fight the whole world to do what was I sensed was right.

Within months, Bill told me that he wanted to become a missionary.
I told him I couldn't do it. I didn't feel right serving in a church system
that discouraged its members from seeking professional help to heal.


During this phase of my recovery, I attended 12-step group meetings
with Bill and Emily. They included Al-Anon and Co-Dependents
Anonymous (CoDA). I wondered if any 12-step programs existed for
sexual abuse survivors to talk freely about what the sexual assaults had
done to their minds and souls.

Searching for specialized support within the 12-step community,
I found Incest Survivors Anonymous (ISA) and Survivors of Incest
Anonymous (SIA). Soon, I started the first SIA 12-step meetings in the
Atlanta area. Although I did it to meet my own needs, I felt honored to
support other recovering survivors who also sought to heal from the
effects of childhood sexual abuse.



Therapeutic Fragments

It was time to review my artwork and journals from the previous sum-
mer at Crossroads of Chattanooga. I hoped they'd give me more clues
about my childhood.

Looking through my Crossroads folders, I was dismayed to discover that
a lot of what I'd written and drawn at that facility still didn't make sense.

First, I looked through the folder from Emily's family week. As part of
our homework after each session, we'd been expected to journal all of
our dreams. I still couldn't make sense of what I found in one night's

5/31/89 - Wednesday Night

1. Getting on expressway — starting downhill — other cars going 70.
Me and some others on roller skates, skateboard, bike, can't keep
up. Keep having to pull over to let cars go on, get on again, can't
keep up. Recurring dream.

2. Maid of honor in church. Inappropriate dress — slip instead of
gown. Recurring dream.

3. Husband fesses up about sex with other women due to our going
through problem time. Wants me to forgive and accept his
weakness. Binds together through sexual act.

4. On a large boat. Enemy invasion — enemies come with mines and
other explosives. I dive off, swim to enemy territory, try to hide or
pretend to be one of them, to be safe and try somehow to help com-
rades in trouble.

5. Large centipede — two-colored — stinging many people in room. It's
poisonous, but they don't realize it when it stings them. Bill and I
approach it cautiously — hit it with something. Cut it in pieces.
Parts scurry off. I'm still afraid of parts.

6. Recurring — snakes.

On a questionnaire entitled "Family Systems/Roles," I'd written the
following responses:

Describe Mom and Dad in one word each.
Mom - sick (emotionally); Dad - dictator 9



What childhood role(s) do you see for yourself growing up?
List characteristics of roles:

Hero: hypercritical of self, overachiever (grades)

Lost child: quiet one, withdraws, daydreams, fantasy life, inde-
pendent, ignored, forgotten, loner/confused, materialistic
(things and pets), solace in food, intimacy problems

Scapegoat: defiant, rebel (not to Dad, just social rules and
morals), peers important, law and school problems, unplanned
pregnancy, self-destructive, negative attention, family focus,

What adult role do you see for yourself?

Addict: Alcohol & drugs up to 18; strong sex drive within
bounds of marriage; work; food; religion (gives me bound-
aries, family, and morals); excitement (crisis oriented)

How do you feel about the roles you see for yourself?

I feel angry, afraid, stuck in a way I don't want to be. Afraid
for our family's children — that patterns would continue. Angry
that we children are still covering up for Dad and Mom, carry-
ing their guilt (Dad still won't be honest about his own guilt).

On another questionnaire, Day of Change - Day of Decision, I'd

Where were you stuck last night? Role (in family):
Lost child and hero


Angry and not whole and afraid

Who or what set you up for the role?

What has been/is the payoff (reward) for your role?
Keeping peace in the family — no upsets. Peace.



What has it cost you to play role ?

Health, relationships, ability to be myself — don't really know
who I am, except spiritually.

What are you willing to change ?
I've had to stay away from Dad and brothers for a long time —
want to begin own counseling. Want to be more open with
mother — caused her much hurt in past by invalidating her pain.
Will need to give Dad his shame back and quit carrying it for him.
Want to be myself and accept my faults and own needs and wants.

As I reviewed these papers, I realized that Emily's family week had
probably been my first step in recognizing how dysfunctional my child-
hood family had been. Except for a few rebellious teen years, I'd tried
hard to be the family peacekeeper — I mustn't upset anybody; mustn't
rock the boat. The counselors at Crossroads had helped me to recognize
how much I'd sacrificed to make my family happy.

Next, I reviewed my inpatient Crossroads folder. In it, I found a set of
diagrams of my childhood home in Reiffton that I'd drawn with colored
pencils. I'd color-coded anything in the house that still bothered me,
whether or not I understood why. I'd outlined certain furniture with colored
markers, indicating suppressed anger, sadness, happiness, guilt, anxiety,
shame, and depression. I'd indicated that I'd felt anxiety and shame when
near my parents' bed. I'd made a blob of black shame, surrounded by the
color for guilt, on the bathroom floor, where I'd often slept at night. I'd
marked a trail of anxiety and sadness at the stairs where Dad had stomped
from the ground floor kitchen to the landing in front of our second-floor
bedrooms. I'd color-coded other areas of the house for reasons I still could-
n't explain.

I reviewed lists of family messages and values that I'd internalized as
a child:

• Victim

• Future marriage failures — bitterness — due to Mom's example
with Dad

• Male/female role confusion

• Triangular communication

• Lack of self-esteem



• Isolation

• Fear of heavy stomping on stairs (Dad's)

• Abusing future children

• Fear of anger directed at me from others, even when their anger
is appropriate

• Lack of trust and fear of males

• Treating sex as a tool instead of expression of love

• Fear of criticism

• Lack of confidence in groups and around older people

• Inability to express emotions

• Inability to make choices for self

• Co-dependency (excessive dependence on others)

• Wives must resent husband

• Sex is a duty — no love involved

• I am not wanted by Dad except to work and be an object of
vented rage

• I am not wanted by Mother

• When adults are present, kids must stay in another room. No

• Kids stay out of sight and mind — don't mix with adults unless for
adults' pleasure

• Children shouldn't be seen or heard unless they're doing chores

• If I fall down slippery stairs, it's my fault

• Boys can have fun and toys, girls can't

• If the dog goes hungry or thirsty, and dies, it's my fault

• The dog is more important to Dad, than me

• My physical needs are unimportant

• Don't talk at table

• Don't talk about feelings

I pulled out another diagram from the file. It was so big and bulky,
I had trouble unfolding it. As I scanned it, I remembered that each adult
patient had been instructed to take turns lying on their back on a large
sheet of paper on the floor, and then another patient outlined the body,
being careful not to be disrespectful. After our outlines were completed,
we were given crayons with instructions to color-code any emotions and
experiences from our past that were especially important. Looking at the
paper now, I was stunned to see a large gash of red crayon drawn



between my hips and the beige outline of a large fetus above that. And
over one breast, I'd drawn three people holding hands. What did it all
mean? I couldn't remember!

On the back of another large piece of paper was a crayoned message
to my counselor, scrawled in a little girl's handwriting: "4 U - Kathy. "
I didn't write like that!

As I reviewed a second full- sized body diagram in the same file, I was
amazed that I'd viewed myself as a container of negative emotions: fear,
anger, pain, sadness, and loneliness. Nothing good, nothing happy. Where
was my joy, peace, and happiness? Why did I feel so icy inside? Why was
I still unable to feel love for my husband? What was wrong with me?

Those questions seemed to prime my mental pump. More emerged:
Why did I still freeze when strange men were sexually inappropriate with
me in public, even rubbing their engorged penises against my butt in
supermarket checkout lines? Why couldn't I get angry and yell at them
or at least move away?

Why did I have so much difficulty opening my mouth to tell Bill that
I was bothered by something that he'd done? Why was I filled with pain?
Why was I so terrified that if I expressed myself, he'd leave me?

Why did I have anxiety attacks whenever I anticipated having to go to
social gatherings in rooms full of strangers? Why was socializing so easy
for Bill, and still so hard for me?

Next, I reviewed several entries in my Crossroads journal:

6/16/89 - Dreams last night

Major gore. Going up path up hill to home to where brothers
are. Path through woods. Try to go past girl and dog/boy. Dog
tries to attack and bite me. I have scissors — have to cut head
off to make it stop. Then girl does same. It grieves me. I do
same to her. I reach top of hill. Two spreads were laid out
(different foods) — 1 on one side, 1 on other. Tempted to eat
from 1 side, start to, put it back in dish. Poisonous (Dad's).


Me and other person with Princess Di and husband (not
Charles) in water, frozen underneath, Styrofoam under that.



On bottom of pond was trash and coolers. I tried to get out
quick. Tried to warn others. Snakes — various kinds. Water
moccasins that look like rattlers. Later on, in a house — man
with boots had snake in boot. Tried to take off boot without
disturbing snake. Took boot off, snake hanging on leg with
fangs in knee. He pulled snake's head out — harmless — round
head. Put in old hamster container as pet. I felt sorry for the
snake — used to living in the wild.


Dream — in institution, large building somewhere upstairs.
Radioactive accident, people contaminated, became mutated.
It tried to go after others in building. I was only person who
knew what was going on upstairs. I was afraid, tried to find
way out of building without being spotted. On highway,
accosted woman driver in front of me. Next step was to hide in
woods, but afraid they were in the woods, too. Dream — mute
woman alone in house set me up to have sex. Dream — going
up apartment stairs — I played role of husband with woman and
child — I was both!

In these early journals, my handwriting had changed from day to day.
Many of the words were tiny. Why had I been so secretive? Who had
I tried to hide my thoughts from?

In an envelope in the file, I found pieces of paper on which fellow
patients had written positive affirmations for me. I felt sad because I still
didn't believe any of them. Why?

I found an early left-hand communication that I'd written there. I must
not have wanted to read it, because I'd crumpled it up as if to throw it
away. Then I'd smoothed it out, folded it, and put it in the folder:

Dear Kathy

I hurt real bad Mom is never there every time I try to
catch up to her she goes more away from me sometimes she is
too much ahead and I cry I want my mommy she wont hear me
she leaves me alone and goes away in front of me. I am all
alone it is scary I don't know people where is she I am
scared I want to go home Mom I need you. Grandma are you
there help me please .



I was startled by the way some of the words had been spelled-the note
had been written by a child! And why had I written that Mom kept going
away? What did that mean? Unnerved, I shoved the paper back into the

I found more drawings that startled me. I'd drawn one of them because
a counselor had asked us to divide the big piece of paper in half, draw-
ing our "public" self on one side and the person we preferred to be
known as on the other.

Using brightly colored markers on blue paper, I'd first drawn my adult
persona on the left side. I looked almost male as I flew through the air,
wearing a blue "Superman" suit with a red cape and belt. The only feminine
detail was my pink boots. I was carrying the world in my hands.

On the right side, I'd drawn a young girl sitting cross-legged on the
ground with a brown bunny rabbit in her hands. She had blue doll's eyes
and wore a pink, short-sleeved T-shirt and blue pants. I'd used those
colors for the clothes because pink represented the girl part of my per-
sonality and blue, the boy part.

I'd made a similar drawing in art therapy at Charter-Peachford. That
counselor had also challenged us to draw our public and hidden selves.
Again, I'd divided the drawing into two parts. On the left side, I'd used
crayons to draw myself as a young woman sitting cross-legged on the
ground, reaching for a spring flower, wearing blue jeans and a short-
sleeved, pink T-shirt. In this picture my arms and body were muscular.
I was smiling.

On the right side I'd drawn my hidden self, using a pencil to outline
an androgynous face with no nose or mouth. I'd used blue chalk to out-
line my staring, lidless eyes. The face peered wordlessly from behind
thick black, vertical lines that seemed to represent prison bars.

I felt chilled as I pulled that drawing out of my Charter-Peachford file
and stared at it. What did it mean? Who was that prisoner? After I put it
back into the folder, the hairless creature's face haunted my mind.

Looking through the Crossroads folder one more time, I found a drawing
that had embarrassed me, because I hadn't been able to explain it during
group therapy. Our counselor had asked us to each draw a picture of our
relationship to our higher power. With colored pencils, I'd drawn a tunnel
of yellow light that was walled by many strands of different colors.
The tunnel was preceded by a larger circular wall comprised of many
hundreds of diamond shaped fragments. Some fragments were individual,



while others were conglomerations of two, three or four pieces. The darker
colored, more vivid fragments were closest to the tunnel of light.

I'd also drawn a winged female angel flying up into the mouth of the
fragmented part of the tunnel, holding little girl me with one arm.
The first diamonds and clusters they approached were given lighter, more
soothing pastel colors.

I wondered: what did the hundreds of diamonds and fragments repre-
sent? Although I remember having felt a powerful compulsion to draw
them, I'd had no conscious reason for doing so. Why had I drawn a multi-
colored tunnel of light, extending up beyond the fragments? And why
had I drawn myself as two persons — a flying angel in blue jeans and a
little girl in a dress?

I sighed as I put the picture away. The strong sensation that more
mysteries lurked inside my mind wearied me. Would I ever know all of


1. More about Major Depression can be found at this website:

2. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, the symptoms of PTSD are:

. . . flashback episodes, memories, nightmares, or frightening thoughts,
especially when . . . exposed to events or objects reminiscent of the trauma . . .
emotional numbness and sleep disturbances, depression, anxiety, and irritability or
outbursts of anger . . . intense guilt . . . [avoidance of] any reminders or thoughts
of the ordeal. (Facts 1)

3. Although I did check into the hospital voluntarily, leaving wasn't as
easy-especially if I still appeared to be a danger to myself or to others. A common
warning given to me and other patients in psych hospitals was that if we left
"AMA" (against medical advice), our insurance might not cover our previous days
in the hospital. That always kept me from attempting to leave before I was
properly discharged.

4. Memory researcher Laura S. Brown wrote:

I am aware that therapeutic malpractice exists and that rarely such
malpractice includes iatrogenic induction of false beliefs that are
co-constructed by therapist and client as memories of childhood abuse.
But I view this line of the discussion as a red herring that focuses
attention away from the more basic questions of the way trauma affects
memory. (International Handbook, pg. 196)



5. At the World Congress of Professional Hypnotists Convention in Las Vegas, Dick
Sutphen explained why such techniques are sometimes used in church services:

If you'd like to see a revivalist preacher at work, there are probably
several in your city. Go to the church or tent early and sit in the
rear . . . Most likely repetitive music will be played while the people
come in for the service. A repetitive beat, ideally ranging from 45 to 72
beats per minute (a rhythm close to the beat of the human heart), is
very hypnotic and can generate an eyes-open altered state of con-
sciousness in a very high percentage of people. And, once you are in
an alpha state, you are at least 25 times as suggestible as you would be
in full beta consciousness. The music is probably the same for every
service, or incorporates the same beat, and many of the people will go
into an altered state almost immediately upon entering the sanctuary.
Subconsciously, they recall their state of mind from previous services
and respond according to the post-hypnotic programming.

Watch the people waiting for the service to begin. [In our church, this
occurred during the worship part of the services.] Many will exhibit
external signs of trance-body relaxation and slightly dilated eyes.
Often, they begin swaying back and forth with their hands in the air
while sitting in their chairs. (Sutphen p. 4-5)

6. One winter, I'd noticed that an adolescent girl in our church acted very sexual while
in an obvious trance state. After I tried to communicate to her mother that I was
concerned, the girl's father and our pastor insisted on meeting privately with Bill
and me. In that small room, both men angrily accused me of letting Satan attack
the "fine family" through me. Their accusation was odd, because I'd never sug-
gested that the father had done anything-nor had I even considered it! Several
weeks after that, during a worship service, Bill and I watched the same father
absent-mindedly caress his younger daughter's buttocks in front of us in a way that
should have been reserved for his wife. In response, the younger girl smiled hap-
pily at him and leaned into him. I think Anna C. Salter, Ph.D. was right on the mark
when she wrote: "If children can be silenced and the average person is easy to fool,
many [sexual] offenders report that religious people are even easier to fool than
most people." (p. 28) We all want to believe the best in people, as they present
themselves to us. But sometimes we do so at the children's peril.

7. After discussing marching and meditation during group meetings designed to gain
control of the minds of participants, Sutphen explained how chanting can also put
a person into a suggestible trance state: "The third thought- stopping technique is
chanting, and often chanting in meditation. 'Speaking in tongues' could also be
included in this category. All three thought- stopping techniques produce an altered
state of consciousness." (Sutphen, pg. 11) My experience has been that, when I was
"speaking in tongues," I was actually regressing into my babyhood-hence, my
infant babbling. I now wonder if this is what I heard from others, who might have



also been in regressive altered states of consciousness. I am not suggesting that
"speaking in tongues" is a bad thing. It can be a very peaceful experience. In fact,
being in a trance state can be very addictive. I am, however, concerned that many
people who "speak in tongues" may not realize that when they do this, they are
indicating to the wrong people that they are vulnerable to mental control.

8. I've been told by several believers in reincarnation that when we were sexually
assaulted as children, we were being punished for sins that we'd committed in past
lives. This seems to be another version of "blaming the victim." I'm amazed that
so few people are willing to place the guilt and blame where they belong-on human
predators who willingly hurt, rape, torture, and sometimes even kill innocent

9. Mom usually presented herself as the emotionally sick, downtrodden wife (which
she was, to a degree) while hiding the fact that she wielded enormous power in all
of our lives. I called her manipulative crying, "crocodile tears" because she knew
how to use it to manipulate me (and others) to feel sorry for her miserable state in
life and to protect her from the consequences of her behaviors-especially when oth-
ers were disgusted by the behaviors. At the same time, she narcissistically ignored
my emotional needs and continued to abuse me. From her, I learned that
I had no importance or value; only she did. I had to fight very hard not to
perpetuate the same kind of relationship with Emily; unfortunately, I failed
many times.





«I.«U* kMVf h~.^~ <Uy fw> i»~ • A«K



Back to the One

After I reviewed the drawings and journals, I sensed that I needed help
to reclaim hidden territory in my mind to which I still seemed to be
amnesic. I told Bob, a local codependency support group facilitator, that
I was having trouble finding a therapist who was qualified to work with
sexual abuse survivors. 1 Because I was comfortable with him and he was
already familiar with my history, he agreed to be my therapist. Careful
not to prompt any memories, the big, bearded man patiently listened to
whatever came to my mind during each fifty-minute session.

He kept big boxes of Kleenex in his office, which helped me to feel
comfortable about crying in front of him. Because he had a Master of
Divinity degree, he helped me to understand that God had never aban-
doned me, and that if He'd been angry at anyone, it was at the adults who
had hurt me.

I didn't want to believe that, contrary to what I'd been taught in
church, God didn't send His angels into dangerous situations to magi-
cally rescue and protect His children from being harmed. It took away
my sense of safety and left me feeling exposed and vulnerable. And yet,
no matter how spiritual or righteous I tried to be, I was really no safer
from being assaulted than any other human being.

As I struggled with my anger towards God for not intervening on my
behalf in the past, Bob reminded me that all humans have free will. He
said that, having given us the ability to choose between right and wrong,
God does not miraculously intervene and change the minds and behav-
iors of hurtful people; only they have the power to do that. And because
their free will can include the will to harm children, God in all His power
and glory will not stop them.

This explained why, no matter how hard I'd prayed for God to touch
Dad's life or speak to his mind, he had never changed, had never indi-
cated that he loved me, and had never said he was sorry for what he'd
done to me and the children.




A powerful new anger stirred inside me. If God couldn't protect me,
then he wasn't my loving Father. Ever since I was a little girl, I'd wanted
a father who would love me. Because Dad had been anything but loving,
I'd chosen God to be his big, strong replacement. In Sunday school, I'd
been taught that God had created the world; He'd formed the seas and the
biggest, most ferocious creatures. He'd decided when the sun would
come up, and when it would set. All my life, I'd been told that He even
created millions of angels to protect us!

The knowledge that God didn't protect us from harm stoked new rage,
disappointment, and disillusionment. In my mind, God had become help-
less, His hands tied behind His back.

What in the hell good was He, then? Why did He let me be born when
He knew I was going to be hurt so badly? What kind of cruel, sadistic bas-
tard was He, to put me on this earth, knowing I'd be betrayed and tortured
and raped, over and over?

Bob encouraged me to express my anger towards God. He said that
prayer was communication-that God made our emotions and wanted us
to tell Him what we felt towards Him. Bob said that God, like a loving
father towards his little children, was big enough to take our rage and still
love and accept us. He encouraged me to cuss and yell at God, if that was
what I needed.

Too embarrassed to do it in front of Bob, I did it at home-first on my
knees beside the bed, then standing when I would not kneel for God
anymore. My fist raised, I yelled and cursed at God. Let him strike me
dead! I dared the lightning to come!

"Where the fuck were you?" I demanded. "Why didn't you care? Why
did you let me be born to the bitch and bastard? Do you get off on send-
ing kids to twisted parents, knowing what they'll do to them? Why did
you give Dad free will, knowing what he'd do to me? What perverted
kind of cosmic joke is this? You know what, God? I don't believe in you
anymore. I think men just made you up, to keep us controlled. To make
rules for us.

'"Don't blaspheme.'' GodTl get angry and strike you dead. 'Honor
your parents so you '11 have a long life. ' Oh, that one is a real joke, isn't
it, God? And, 'Obey your husbands to please God.' Even if they hit you
or rape you or hurt your kid in front of you? Yeah right, God. Sure thing.
That's how much you really care about the children, isn't it? And all



these damned angels you created to protect us-why are you still holding
them back? Why, God, Why?"

Time and again, after my rage was spent, I found myself sitting on the
floor, my legs bent under me, rocking back and forth. I held myself as
snot and tears ran freely. "Why God, why? Why?" I keened like a small
child, then lay on my side on the carpeted floor, curled into a fetal posi-
tion, still weeping. "Why? Why?"

One rainy afternoon, an old set of memories drifted into my exhausted
mind: I was in the children's choir of our Lutheran church in Reiffton.
We sang "Beautiful Savior" and "Fairest Lord Jesus," two soothing songs
that made me love Jesus all over again. And "Onward Christian Soldiers"
had a rhythmic cadence that sent the blood marching through my veins.

They and so many other hymns had helped me feel positive and
comforted. I remembered how, many times, regardless of what else had
happened in that church, I'd still felt comforted by what had seemed to
be God's direct presence.

On the floor of my bedroom, I remembered what that presence had felt
like-a powerful, pure love that had filled my body with every breath. It
was a love that was so eternal and so "now" that nothing else had
mattered. It said, "I'm here, I'll always be here, I'll always love you. No
matter what you do, I'll always love you. I'll always be your Father."

As I remembered, I realized that my greatest anger wasn't at God; it
was at myself-because I hadn't been what I believed God had wanted me
to be. I'd failed Him; I'd done so many things that had displeased Him.
I felt dirty, soiled, and filthy.

Wanting to hide under the bed from His nearly tangible presence, I
prayed: "Oh, God, I fucked up so bad. I did everything you didn't want
me to do. I'm dirty; I don't deserve you anymore." I meant it. I was ready
to walk away from God forever, not because He'd failed me-but because
I'd failed Him. He deserved a better daughter than me!

I was surprised as the same message broke through to my mind that I'd
received so many times as a child: "I'll always be here, I'll never change,
I'll always love you." His love gently broke through my shame-barrier
and drew me back to Him. As it did, I knew that God really was my lov-
ing spiritual Father. He always had been and always would be.

I took comfort in the words of the apostle Paul who, as a rebel named
Saul, had once caused the murder of many followers of Jesus: "For I am



sure that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things
present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor
anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of
God in Christ Jesus our Lord." {Romans 8:38-39, RSV)

In a flash, I understood why I'd felt ashamed, why I'd distanced
myself and blamed God for the distance between us. I'd foolishly tried to
understand Him as I would a human father. Over the decades, I'd accepted
teachings from a succession of church leaders who had preached that our
heavenly Father had the same attributes as their earthly fathers. Thus,
God was judgmental, angry, punitive, demanding, rigid, shaming, and
non- accepting.

Now, I knew those men had been wrong: the God I'd known as a
young child hadn't changed one iota. Before my mind had been tainted
by human teachings and beliefs, I'd had the purest understanding of who
He was.

Rising from the floor, I came back to the One who had been with me
from the start. I vowed on my very soul that I would never deny God or
turn from Him again. It was time to separate God from Dad in my mind,
to stop blaming God for what Dad did and stop blaming Dad for not
having loved me as God did.

Revelation after revelation came as I stood alone in the bedroom,
enveloped by God's gentle comfort blanket of love. My heavenly Father
had never deserted me. Maybe He couldn't break the rules by entering a
room when I was being raped, to throw the human beast aside and carry
me out of the room in what I imagined to be His big, strong arms. But
He'd been right there with me.

And when my heart had cracked and broken from tears I'd dared not
cry, He'd felt the awful pain and had cried for me. And when I'd hurt,
He'd hurt with me. And when I'd lost the ability to withstand any more
pain and horror, He'd given me the ability to dissociate, to block it all
out, so that my mind and body could continue to survive.

Knowing this now, I was ready to feel the pain, to cry the tears,
to endure what I could not bear as a child. As long as I had my
heavenly Father and His enduring love, I could bear anything. He
would be with me, right there with me, as I went through each torment-
ing memory. And then He would heal my terrible wounds with His
eternal love.



Inner Children

Because I hadn't held a job since quitting my part-time position at
McDonald's, I now had extra time alone at home to tap into whatever
was still hidden in my unconscious mind. I did this, in part, by using
several of the techniques I'd learned at Crossroads-especially right-
hand/left-hand journaling.

I always kept a spiral-bound notepad next to my bed. Uninterrupted,
I sat on the bed and used my right hand to journal any dreams I could still
remember, and then diary what had happened the previous day, as well as
the previous day's flashbacks.

Then I held the pen in my left hand and mentally invited my "inner
child" to write to me. As before, each time I did left-hand writing, I was
slammed by the physical, visual, and emotional effects of newly emerg-
ing traumatic memories. Sometimes I cried for hours; sometimes I
stormed and yelled in rage at Dad for having hurt me.

Bob encouraged me to invest in a punching bag. I went to a second-
hand sporting goods store and paid fifty dollars for a nice, big Everlast
bag. Bill used a thick chain to hang it from a big wooden beam in our
large garage. On weekdays, when I knew the neighbors living on our
cul-de-sac were away from home, I whaled away at the punching bag. It
was satisfying to hit and kick it as hard as I wanted.

As my rage erupted towards Dad and other men who had raped me,
I screamed at them and pummeled their imaginary faces and bodies with
my fists and feet.

Although the anger work sessions helped me to feel empowered, I was
dismayed by the way more memories emerged right on the heels of
previous ones. Would they never end?

When my rage erupted on weekends, I carried a children's plastic
bat into our spare bedroom that was partially below ground. After
placing a "Do Not Disturb" sign in front of the closed door, I whacked
the bat as hard as I could on a pile of sofa cushions, screaming until
my rage-energy was spent. Each time I ran out of anger, I collapsed
and wept.

Bob suggested that I stockpile the same kinds of art supplies in that
room that I'd used as a child. They included a big box of Crayola
crayons, colored pencils, colored felt- tipped pens, different colors of
glitter, glue, colorful construction paper, and drawing pads.



Sometimes, as I sat on the carpeted floor and drew, I seemed to go
away for as much as several hours. When I came back to consciousness,
I was unnerved by what I'd drawn.

One new drawing was of a yellow walking path that wound through a
grassy meadow. Brown footprints temporarily left the trail to where
a dead baby had been gently deposited in the grass; then the footprints
went back to the trail and went on from there, heading towards big, stink-
ing piles of feces with relatives' names on them.

Another drawing alarmed me. It depicted the naked body of a brown-
haired Caucasian woman with black pubic hair, lying on the floor on her
back, her abdomen cut open vertically. She was quite dead.

A location that kept recurring in my dreams emerged in another
drawing of a "road on mountain ... a long drive home." On one side of
the road was a building marked "Episcopalian College/School/Church"
and, a bit farther along, another building described as a "big red brick
house with a white porch-Satanist headquarters-[teachers] taught us
things better . . . Dad and me learned . . . demons taught here . . . later
years, [I] taught classes here . . . near Little Rock, Arkansas."

Another drawing was of what Dad called the "Community Room."
It seemed to be inside a building in or near Reading, Pennsylvania. The
walls and floors were painted black; the doors were brown. The drawing
included a door to a bathroom, marked "water to clean up blood," and a
carved, brown, wooden "snake on pole carried by Dad-head pointed
DOWN." Black squiggles on the floor represented the "killing, dismem-
bering area." A horizontal squiggle along the wall was identified as
"woman's intestines." One note on the drawing was about "double doors
to outside-where cut up body in trash bags was carried out."

Another drawing was of a different room with a brown, wooden altar.
On it were two lit candles and an upside-down bronze cross. I remem-
bered I would sit on the edge of the altar and "watch, and swing my feet."
Facing the altar in a semi-circle were nine metal chairs: "They would
sometimes sit in chairs in robes and eat and drink refreshments.
Sometimes they would stand & line up in the same order. Men who raped
me [stood] to the right." A spiral drawn on the floor represented "where
they would gang rape me." One corner of the room was labeled my
"hiding corner."

One afternoon at home, alone in our kitchen, I absent-mindedly looked
down at a large carving knife lying in our stainless steel sink. Suddenly,



I had a vivid flashback of Dad wearing a long, black, pointy-hooded
robe. In his hands, he held the blade of a large bloody knife. I ran down-
stairs, grabbed my sketchbook, and drew what I'd just seen.

Another drawing showed me lying naked on my back on a wooden table.
Also naked, Dad stared into my eyes as he straddled and raped me. Six
adults wearing black, hooded robes stood in a semi-circle, watching silently.
Words were written on the paper: "Dad reminded me not to talk back."

The next drawing described what had happened just before the rape.
I was lying on my back on the same table. A little brown-haired boy had
been placed atop my torso, his back on my abdomen. Dad had used his
big knife to vertically slit the boy's abdomen open, making lots of blood
run down the side of the boy's body, then onto and under my side and
butt. "Dad made me lay back on the altar then they lay the little boy on
top of me," the note read. "He didn't move-limp - they cut his tummy
open blood ran down me I tried to sleep but I felt the blood It wasn't a
dream as hard as I tried to make it one."

Another drawing was of Dad's mother, wearing a hooded black robe,
and in her hands she held a thick, old book, bound in brown leather.
A picture of a naked goddess was embossed on the front of it, her torso
encircled by a snake. Its head pointed towards the side of her head. The
book seemed to be very important to Grandma. In it were symbols that
she called "runes." Although I was expected to read and understand
them, I don't remember if I ever did.

In another drawing, I appeared to be an adolescent, now also wearing a
hooded black robe. Dad "taught" me how to vertically cut open a boy's
abdomen as the boy lay on his back on the floor. "First human cutting,"
read the words on the drawing. "Dad's hands on mine. He liked brown
curly hair. I was 13." And, "I safe now I one of them still altar girl but they
won't cut me now Now I big girl now I have to cut like cutting a cow."

I was confused; most of the pictures and messages seemed to come
from children of different ages-mostly between the ages of five and
twelve. What in the hell was going on?

Soon I "felt" voices talking in my mind. 2 At first, I was convinced they
must be demons that were trying to trick me into believing they were
human. I prayed to God to make them go away. When that didn't work,
I commanded them to leave "in the name of Jesus." The childlike voices
kept talking, whispering their names, sometimes making threats about
hurting me. Was I going insane?



I wondered if I had Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD) like that
female patient at Charter-Peachford. If I did have MPD, would my life
be ruined? Would I be locked up in a hospital for years, like she had
been? Would my neighbors think I was crazy? I chuckled at the last
thought-if they'd heard some of my screams during my anger work
sessions at home, they might already think so! It was time to stop worry-
ing about what everyone else thought and go with the flow to see what
happened next.

Several times in therapy, I hesitantly tried to tell Bob about the voices
in my mind. Although he and other codependency counselors had taught
me about getting in touch with my "inner child," I sensed I had a lot more
than one child inside me. And although the counselors had talked about
the "inner child" in a figurative way, mine seemed quite real. Sometimes
so many children's voices talked to me at once, I had difficulty follow-
ing them all.

When I told Bob I might have multiple personalities, he sat in his
upholstered chair with a straight face, saying nothing. Uncomfortable
with his silence, I tried reasoning with him. "Bob, I keep hearing voices."

"Are those voices inside your mind, or are they coming from the

"Definitely inside."

He seemed relieved and explained that some schizophrenics hear
external voices.

I continued pushing my point. "You've seen my art work. It's not adult
stuff. I go away for hours sometimes and when I come back, I don't
remember drawing any of it."

He said this might indicate a split-off inner child that held some of my
traumatic memories, but he was certain I didn't actually have MPD.

I felt frustrated. Why wouldn't he listen to what I was telling him? Didn't
I know myself better than he ever could, since I was the one who had to live
in this body and listen to those damned voices all day long?

Because he kept insisting that I didn't have MPD, I stopped mentioning
the possibility to him and encouraged the children inside to write to me in
my journal at home. Their journal entries were like the drawings —
describing events that I'd had no prior memory of. That worried me. If
these child parts were part of me, then whatever they'd experienced, I had,
too. And yet their memories weren't mine! How they could be so vivid
and yet not feel like parts of my history? Was I making them up?



I didn't think so, because I hadn't read anything, anywhere, that
suggested such graphic and bizarre images. And some details of the
drawings did match details of recent dreams. Were the dreams my mind's
way of preparing me to cope with the impact of daytime memories?

I was exhausted from the incessant voices and memories. And because
they were so damned bizarre, I absolutely could not accept them as
being real. To help me to cope with them without having to accept them,
Bob taught me to visualize a pantry room in the back of my mind with
wooden shelves along the back wall. At his suggestion, I put each
bizarre memory in a big glass jar and left it there on the shelf to "sit and

Living in both the past and the present was difficult. Although I talked
about some of my new thoughts and memories in therapy, I never had
enough time to process them all. I had to cope with most of them at home
on my own.

New York City Ritual

Within weeks, I suffered a horrendous series of flashbacks about a
sadistic ritual gathering that had been held in the summer that my family
had gone to the World's Fair in New York City-either in 1963 or 1964. 3
Although I'd never forgotten about my parents taking us to the huge fair,
I'd suppressed all memory of this part of the trip. I contacted an investi-
gator at our District Attorney's office. The investigator encouraged me to
come and give a verbal statement about what I'd remembered. A female
secretary typed it:


On May 23, 1990 at approximately 2:00 PM Ms. Sullivan gave
the following information to the secretary:

My dad was the leader of a satanic cult in the area of Reading
Pennsylvania. We lived in Reiffton. This begin [sic] when I
was approximately 8 to 13 years of age, about 1963 to 1969.
I witnessed weekly meetings on Friday nights where I saw both
adults and children murdered, mutilated, dismembered. They



also did a lot of pedophile rituals with boys who were not phys-
ically cut or hurt (only sexually related) ... I do remember that
during the '64 Worlds Fair in New York City my dad took me
to some kind of special meeting where it seemed to be either a
national or international gathering of pedophiles who were
involved in sadisam [sic]. I watched as they demonstrated rub-
bing a penis on the private parts of a baby and later saw
approximately fifteen dead babies laid out on the floor.
A woman took me by the hand and told me it was just my
imagination. I believe that by what I saw there may have been
some representatives from the Maffia [sic] there due to the way
they were dressed and their skin coloring and the power that they
obviously had over the group. We also moved to Cockeysville,
Maryland when I was fourteen. I do not remember any events
that occurred after that time relating to satanic activities ... I
will related [sic] other things as they are remembered to . . . the
District Attorney's Office. At this time I am unsure of who to
trust in relating information to family.

Because I hadn't yet discovered similar information on ritual abuse or
pedophilia, I wasn't willing to accept what I was remembering and

Suicide Programming

After telling Bob about some of these memories, I felt a powerful,
repetitive compulsion to insert the blade of a large knife into my
abdomen and vertically gut myself. Each time the urge came, I felt
unusually peaceful and believed I would feel no pain. Staying by myself
at home during the day was dangerous; I was losing strength and was
afraid I might not be able to fight the urge much longer.

Other therapists advised Bob that I might be experiencing suicide
programming. They explained that this type of mental programming usu-
ally kicked in when a client's ritual abuse (RA) memories first emerged.
Bob gave me the names and phone numbers of several psychiatric facilities
in the US that specialized in working with RA survivors. As I contacted
each facility, I "saw" myself cutting off my hands or cutting the veins in my



wrists. Again, I felt peaceful and believed if I followed through, I'd feel
no pain. 4

The most highly recommended program was at the Columbine psychi-
atric hospital in Denver, Colorado. When I called there, a man said their
unit was filled to overflowing. He told me about a smaller program for
ritual trauma survivors at Bethesda PsycHealth Hospital, also in Denver.
I soon flew to Colorado to start the next phase of my recovery.

Bethesda PsycHealth

Because Denver is at a high altitude, the sky above the city was
startlingly blue. The hospital, a former tuberculosis sanitarium, consisted
of several large, red brick buildings. The walking paths and lovely flower
gardens between the buildings helped to soothe my frazzled mind. One
weekend during my stay there, my red-haired roommate talked her
boyfriend into driving us to the Red Rock Amphitheater on a daytime
pass. I was awed by the majestic mountains that I saw towering in the
distance. That was the pleasant part of my stay.

Several days after I'd checked into the specialized unit, I met its direc-
tor, a bespectacled, soft-spoken psychiatrist, Dr. T, for the first time. We
met almost every weekday during my month-long stay. Sometimes I gig-
gled when he entered the empty conference room to talk with me,
because he usually burped.

During my first consultation with the psychiatrist, I described
my internal children. He asked questions and told me that I probably
had MPD. A battery of standardized psychological tests confirmed
his suspicion. 5 When he verified my new diagnosis, I spiraled into
depression. I instinctively knew that my life was about to change
forever-I didn't want that to happen!

Remembering the movie Sybil and the odd behaviors of the female
patient with MPD at Charter-Peachford, I believed I'd be treated like a
freak for the rest of my life. I felt angry; I didn't want to share my body
with other personalities! Damn it, it was mine!

For about a week, I didn't try to get better. I just wanted to die. Dr. T
and the other staff members gently explained that I needed to learn how
to work with my disability, instead of fighting it. Dr. T said if I used every
coping tool they taught me during my stay, participated in every therapy



group, stayed honest with the staff, asked lots of questions, and learned
to cooperate with my alter-states, I should survive back in Atlanta.
I appreciated his honesty and decided to follow his advice.

The staff encouraged me to allow hidden alter-states to emerge and
explore the hospital grounds. Most of my alter-states had been flash-frozen
in a Rip Van Winkle way by the traumas they'd compartmentalized. When
they first emerged, they discovered that the world had changed a great deal.
Some of them had difficulty with simple things like using feminine prod-
ucts, wearing a bra, and opening white plastic packets of jelly sealed with
thin foil.

New alter-states emerged almost every day. I didn't like the idea of
their taking control of my body. Because I resisted, they usually took
control after I'd fallen asleep. Because I couldn't stay awake all the time,
I decided to let them emerge during the day-I usually did this by taking
a nap, knowing I'd be missing a chunk of time when I came back into
consciousness. I wanted to learn how to negotiate with them so that they
wouldn't hurt or embarrass me the next time they had control.

During this hospitalization, fourteen distinct alter-states emerged.
Each had unique memories, emotions, and perspectives about life and
past events. I'm still fascinated by how, when they first emerged, they
were still "frozen" at certain psychosocial stages of development. That,
more than anything, proved to me that they were real. 6

Weekends in the hospital were hardest for me. Most of the other
clients were visited by loved ones and went out on pass with them.
Having no visitors and nothing to do, I used my solitary time to become
more intimately acquainted with my emerging alter-states.

Whenever I could, I walked into the unit's combination conference/
music room, lay on my back on the floor, propped up my calves on the seat
of a wooden chair, and listened to a "love song" radio station on the stereo.

Although this technique may sound silly, it seemed to work wonders.
Each time a love song played, I mentally dedicated it to my other
alter-states, adapting the words of the songs and visualizing myself send-
ing them all the way inside-into every crack, crevice, and recess in my
soul. Over and over, I communicated "I love you, I care about you, I want
you" to every part, no matter how hidden.

Internal cooperation increased dramatically after that. I soon felt safe
enough to cede control of my body to the other parts, almost all of the time.
Because my time at the hospital was limited, I wanted them to have as



much time "out" as possible to work through their traumatic memories,
before I was discharged. This was when the real repair work and connect-
edness began.

Neither Dr. T nor anyone else on the staff suggested my emerging
memories. They still contained completely unfamiliar material that
I frankly didn't know how to deal with. The memories seemed so utterly
bizarre and impossible.

Warning - the remainder of this chapter may be triggering for trauma

Cindy - Age 5

Sometimes as I "came to," I found myself walking along a hallway in
the hospital unit, wearing my nightgown and holding a stuffed white
teddy bear that Bill had sent me. This child alter-state called it "Cindy
Bear" and insisted that Bill buy it panties because she didn't like its pri-
vates being exposed. My Cindy alter-state had been flash-frozen at the
emotional age of five.

She recollected that she had felt terrified of round holes drilled in the
wooden floors of our living room in Reiffton. She constantly searched
my shared hospital bedroom and the dayroom floors for similar holes
(there were none). Dad had told her that snakes would crawl up through
the holes and bite her for talking to outsiders. She still believed every-
thing he had said. Because he'd been a terrifying, looming presence in
my life, he was still alive and frightening to Cindy. She saw herself as a
small girl with curly, soft, short blond hair.


Nikki was the second part to emerge. She insisted that she was asexual
and proudly announced to Dr. T, "I don't do sex." Then she told him what
she had experienced.

On my thirteenth birthday, Dad had told Nikki that she was now an
adult, and that she was in charge of the occult rituals. Although Nikki had
previously been naked during rituals or had worn a see-through



"initiate's" robe, Dad now made her don a child-sized, hooded, black
robe like the ones he and the other adults wore. Then Dad commanded
her to stand in the middle of an encircled hexagram on the floor. He said,
"Nikki, you're a big girl now."

He commanded her to kneel in the middle of the hexagram. She knew
not to move out of the circle because if she did, demons would attack her.
She tried to dissociate by staring at the white, flickering candles that Dad
had set on each point of the large, painted star. She obeyed him by killing
("sacrificing") a boy in the middle of the star as Dad and the other black-
robed cult members walked around the outside of the circle in single file,
chanting louder and louder. Nikki had survived the horror by visualizing
herself cutting a cow instead.

When she first emerged in Bethesda, she felt great emotional pain. She
still believed that she'd been solely responsible for the child's murder.
She smoked cigarettes and plotted to run away from the hospital on a
pass so she could "get drunk and screwed." She was restricted to the
hospital grounds after several other alter-states reported her intentions to
the staff.

Dolly/Dreia - Age 7

Dolly, who also answered to the cult name Dreia, was developmentally
stuck at the age of seven. Dad had taught occult beliefs to her that he'd
said he had mostly gotten from the writings of the infamous British
Satanist and intelligence operative, Aleister Crowley.

Sometimes, Dad's cult had met in a large old gray stone building in or
near Reading. 7 A thick, gray, granite altar, upon which babies were mur-
dered, was in one of the rooms. Dad told Dolly that the most powerful
life-energy was stored in the blood of babies because they hadn't sinned
yet. He said that a weaker but still effective life-force was stored in the
semen of animals and humans. He seemed to believe that his body would
never deteriorate or grow old if he continuously ingested both. He made
Dolly do the same.

As Dolly tried to explain these beliefs to a nurse at Bethesda, she said
that Dad acted as if he were a battery that needed to be recharged by
blood and semen-either human or animal. In my sketchbook, she drew a



succession of diagrams of hooded adult cult members positioned in and
around the encircled hexagram. She drew pictures of the sequence of one
ritual from beginning to end. Dolly was proud to have been an occult
practitioner and wrote a page-with graphic illustrations-about the
Magick that Dad had taught her during those rituals.

Eventually, Dolly felt the horror of what she'd been involved in
as a child. Alone in the hospital bedroom, she frantically searched
for something to kill herself with. She tried to remove metal screws
from a metal window frame to cut her wrists, but they wouldn't
come loose. She tried to escape by opening an emergency door-it didn't

There wasn't any point of trying to walk out the building's main
door-the staff constantly checked with me and other clients to make
sure that unfamiliar alter-states wouldn't break and run if we strolled
around the hospital grounds. Dolly was trapped with no way out, other
than to talk and heal.

Andreia - Teenaged Part

Andreia was the same alter- state that had covertly met with the retired
Army general, "Poppa," in 1985. Because Dad hadn't known about
Andreia's existence, she'd successfully preserved a large portion of my
morality. Like Dolly, Andreia was suicidal when she emerged at
Bethesda. She felt great emotional pain and held memories of Dad's
deadly rages. Even though he was dead, she still feared him. She drew a
picture of him as a deadly black tornado.

Andreia recalled having watched Dad beat a male cult member to
death in a ritual room in Pennsylvania. In the picture, the unconscious
man hung by his wrists that were tied with a rope that was attached to a
pulley Dad had previously fastened to the ceiling. (These were the same
pulleys Dad used, when making me and other children hang from the
ceiling in cages — sometimes for days.)

Andreia mourned the red-bearded man's death. Although she'd been
one of his sexual "partners" during orgies, he'd been kind to her. And
because of what she'd seen Dad do when he lost control of his rage,
Andreia feared her own anger and worried that her rage might go out of
control and hurt others.



Catalina - Teenaged Part

Catalina didn't like to be in charge of the body. She preferred to stay
inside and mentally buffer younger alter-states from stress and traumas.
She'd occasionally taken control of my body in the past, away from
handlers' control, to protect me when she'd sensed danger. Her name
came from a German rhyme that my paternal grandmother had recited to
me as a child-something about going to the bathroom.

Visualizing herself as male, Catalina felt no compunction about
assaulting anyone who might attempt to hurt "the body." Sometimes her
rage translated into a need to self-mutilate. One Saturday, alone in the
bedroom, she removed a metal number plate attached to my closet door
and used its sharp corner to scratch an upside-down cross on my belly as
she wept. A grey-haired nurse was making rounds and saw the metal
object in Catalina's hand. After she obtained the object, she gently talked
Catalina through a surfacing ritual memory that the etched cross repre-

In my sketch book, Catalina drew a picture of herself as a pressure
cooker full of tiny cut-up bodies and blood, red steam swirling out
through the hole in the lid at a dangerous rate. She seemed to keep a lid
on the rage that younger parts couldn't control.

Little Kathy- Age 4

My most dangerous experience at Bethesda was when Little Kathy
emerged. Her plan was to set my bed on fire while sitting on the middle
of it. She believed she would feel no pain when she burned to death.
After stealing a cigarette lighter from an unsuspecting female patient in
the day room, Little Kathy shut the bedroom door.

Catalina was able to emerge part way, but because Kathy fought so
hard for control, Catalina wasn't able to get off the bed. As Kathy tried
to regain control of the body, Catalina screamed for help. When several
staff members ran into the room, they found Catalina shaking and
weeping. She handed the lighter to a stunned nurse and told her what
Little Kathy had intended to do.

The nurse commended Catalina, and then — knowing that Little Kathy
feared being punished — she gave a verbal message to Little Kathy



through Catalina. The grey-haired woman said she believed that Little
Kathy might be very angry at someone, and if she ever wanted to come
out, the nurse would love to sit and talk with her.

Later that day, Little Kathy re-emerged and shared several memories
with the nurse. She explained that she'd tried to kill herself out of rage at
my parents and other cult members. The rage came from one experience
in particular: at the age of four, she'd been forcibly penetrated from
behind by a large yellow dog as Dad, Mom, and other Reading cult mem-
bers had sat at a kitchenette table and watched. The adults had laughed
as Little Kathy had screamed and shaken in terror, unable to break free
from the dog's penis. (The child alter-states that had compartmentalized
memories of having been penetrated by dog penises hadn't known that
because of their unique anatomy, the poor dogs couldn't remove their
penises until the swelling went back down.)

The nurse and other staff members taught Little Kathy and Catalina to
vent their shared rage in constructive ways: through physical anger work,
poetry, artwork, and sharing their experiences with the staff.

Renee - Age 8

During Friday night rituals, Dad had created Renee and then triggered
her out by name. Each time, he had commanded her to sit naked on a
wooden altar. The guilt of not being harmed, while being forced to watch
Dad hurt other children and adults, had been unbearable. Renee still felt
partly responsible for what was done to them because she was, after all,
Dad's daughter. She had also been conscious during a part of the New
York City ritual. She provided more details about that event. Softhearted,
Renee wept every time she emerged. She was so full of grief that she had
great difficulty speaking.

Kate - Adult Part

Like Catalina, Kate preferred to stay inside. Her "job" was to internally
comfort younger alter-states that felt upset or frightened. Kate had
compartmentalized the nurturing I'd received from my maternal
grandmother. Not only did Kate grieve past traumas; she also mourned the



current loss of Grandma M's mind and memory to the ravages of
Alzheimer's disease.

Home Alters

After my discharge from my month-and-a-half stay at Bethesda, I fer-
vently hoped I wouldn't find many more alter-states. Encountering and
adjusting to emerging parts was hard. At home, I didn't have supportive
people to help me cope and negotiate with them.

I still had great difficulty accepting the validity of many of these new
memories, because I couldn't accept that Dad and his criminal associates
had perpetrated such seemingly unbelievable crimes against me and
other helpless victims. How had they gotten away with these crimes for
so many years? Why hadn't the law caught up with them?

At home, I constantly went in and out of denial. I would try to make
it all go away — at least for a couple of hours — but whenever I started to
feel "normal" again, another set of flashbacks started.

Bill was unhappy with my new personality shifts and changes. When
I had dissociated in the past, he'd blamed it on my moodiness and hor-
mone fluctuations. What he encountered now was more drastic. These
new alter-states had unique belief systems, personalities, and experiences.
They even spoke and carried themselves differently. Those that emerged
for the first time at home didn't know how to vacuum, use a dishwasher,
cook, or drive. From one moment to the next, I went from loving and
gentle, to rigid and distant, to hysterical or hopeless, to childlike.

Some parts were very young — they needed parents instead of a husband.
Some of them didn't trust Bill at all, and refused to be in the same room
with him. Quite a few of my newly emerging alter-states were either too
young for a sexual relationship or were male — which meant no sex at all!

Many times, when we did try to have sex, I had bizarre flashbacks.
Most were from decades of porn shoots that I'd been forced to partici-
pate in. One night, I saw a pig instead of Bill (I decided not to tell him
about that one). When the flashbacks got ridiculous, as porn often is,
I started poking fun at the grotesque memories instead of letting them
re-traumatize me.

Another problem developed when child alter-states emerged that
had been sexually tortured in the past. These parts still paired pain with



pleasure. They'd been conditioned to want rough and painful interactions
and had never experienced the gentle give-and-take of making love.

Although he was already monitoring me to make sure he didn't inad-
vertently have sex with a child part, now he also had to ensure that he did-
n't fall into the trap of being too rough at my request! This was making
our relationship very complicated — he was more miserable every day.

Bill was especially alarmed by the parts that still compartmentalized
occult beliefs. He was afraid that they, like Dolly, would reject
Christianity and blaspheme God. Still overbearing about his fundamental-
ist Christian beliefs, Bill insisted that every part believe as he did. His
open hostility and rejection of my cult-conditioned alter-states made some
of the older ones want to go back to the Cobb County Aryan network,
where they believed they'd be accepted just as they were. Fortunately,
these urges were curbed by the intervention of wiser parts like Catalina,
Andreia, and Kate.

From the time my alter-states first emerged in late spring, 1990 until
the following March — a period of ten months — I documented a total of
fifty-seven parts. Each held unique beliefs, experiences, and personality
traits. And each part either journaled, drew pictures, and/or communicated
to me in writing through more mature alter-states I was co-conscious
with. Many of them were angry at me for not having accepted their exis-
tence before now. They were also angry that they'd suffered terribly,
while "host alter-state me" had escaped the traumatic experiences.

Some of them were so angry, they tried to torture me in ways that didn't
leave noticeable scars. One of their favorite methods was to relentlessly
tweeze my hairs in hidden places until I bled or the wounds became
infected. Another was to use several vibrators on my genitals at one time
(torture/sex reenactment), leaving me in constant pain. 8

These parts were careful not to leave lasting scars, because Dad had
thoroughly conditioned them to believe if they were ever noticeably
wounded, they'd be put to death. 9

Even though Dad was dead, his threats still held great power over my
mind and life. Because of his past influence, I remained terrified of
surgery. I was certain that if I ever went under the knife, I'd be murdered.

Some of the alter-states that had emerged in Bethesda continued to
communicate with me at home. I was surprised to learn that some of
them had also found a way to repress traumatic memories. Their own
repressed memories were triggered by the most innocuous events. One



saw a flickering candle on television and immediately re-experienced
another horrifying ritual!

Dolly/Dreia remembered where part of her name came from. She
wrote that as a child, some of the occultists had repeatedly told her that
ritually murdered babies were "just dollies." Later, while watching a
video about the Holocaust, I was stunned to learn that some Nazi war
criminals had called their murdered victims, "figuren" (dolls, in
German). 10

Little Kathy re-emerged and told me that as a very small child,
she'd been terrified of Dad's staring eyes, and of his hands as they'd
poked through the wooden bars of the crib. She described what
I'd dreamed all my life: Dad often threw me up into the air, then lowered
his hands just above the floor to convince me that my body was about to
hit it full-force. That method bonded me closer to him. Although he was
the one who initially endangered me, in the end he was also the one who
rescued me from mortal danger-again and again.

Catalina shared that she had been my mental protector during "brain-
washing sessions" conducted by Dad in experimental settings. She wrote
that he'd closely watch her, "like playing chess. He would do something
over and over and over again (mental or physical torture) until I learned
not to show any reaction whatsoever, not even a muscle twitch. Then he
would use another technique." She also recalled having been forced to sit
in a chair with a floor- length metal lamp shining strongly in her face.
"Could see nothing else. The room was black. I remember the light flash-
ing and accessing the very insides of me."

Renee wrote that she'd watched Dad commit several daytime murders
of adult cult members in Pennsylvania. They were so gory and inhumane
that Renee was convinced nobody could save her from Dad. He was all-
powerful, not just at home, but even within the cult! Because he first
accused each victim of having told outsiders about cult activities, Renee
also believed she must never talk about what she'd witnessed.

Glenda, a teenaged part, wrote that she'd compartmentalized the
hopeless, depressed part of Renee. Glenda communicated that she didn't
want to come out of the dark — she wanted to stay there forever.

Younger Kathleen, age eight, wrote about a dungeon in a stone-
walled mansion that had been built on the side of Schuylkill mountain.
She described a sloped hallway beyond a hidden entryway in the wall of
an elegant old library with wooden, red leather-upholstered chairs. She



recalled the underground circular dungeon. Lit candles had been placed
in recessed hollows in the rough-hewn stone wall.

She wrote that the house was above an old cemetery, at a distance from
the other houses on the road. I'd had recurring nightmares about that
mansion, but when Younger Kathleen wrote about her vivid memories,
the full horror of it came to life.

Heather, a young adult alter-state, wrote that she'd helped Dad "and
a retired pediatrician and several others" to prepare several young boys
to be filmed in child porn at a high school in north Atlanta, at night. As
usual, Dad had a key to the building. She said Dad would summon her
there each time, over the phone. She wrote that on another occasion, he
placed a "huge wet Q-tip next to my nose and left me paralyzed on the
floor." She watched helplessly, unable to intervene, as he raped a beloved
child on the floor next to her. Later he told her, smiling, that the
child would believe she hadn't cared that the child had been raped. He
was right.

Ashley, age eight, had compartmentalized an unusual quantity of cult
memories. Dad had given her that name after triggering her out and forc-
ing her to watch him burn some of the cult victims' bodies into ashes. 11

She held the memories of ritual events that had especially marked
my soul. She wrote about a "cave with a stone tunnel leading to it in
Pennsylvania." In it, Dad had forced Ashley to get down on her hands
and knees, totally naked, setting a dog's water dish in front of her. Dad
had placed a dog collar around her neck, with a chain attached to it that
went back into the cave. Ashley was allowed to look out the mouth of the
cave, but couldn't leave — the chain kept pulling her back. Dad had told
her that if she tried to leave, she would choke. Sure enough, when she
fought the chain, she choked as it cut into her neck. Dad said the chain
would always "tie her to the cult."

In that same cave, Dad had forced Ashley to lie on her back on a low,
stone altar. She must have been drugged, because she felt no desire to get
up when she came into consciousness in that position. Her abdomen was
covered with blood. Dad told her that he'd performed surgery on her
stomach while she was asleep. He told her that a koala bear with
very sharp claws and a snow owl with a sharp beak and talons were now
inside it.

He said if the animals ever sensed that Ashley was thinking about
telling cult secrets to anyone, the animals would claw at her insides and



make her bleed to death. Dad convinced Ashley that even if someone
believed her, they wouldn't be able to save her in time. Years later, dur-
ing phone calls, he often said the words "wet paint" — symbolizing
human blood — to reinforce Ashley's secrecy.

On another occasion, Dad had told Ashley that a big, green, ugly, squat
"frog demon" lived inside her, and that the demon held her rage. Then
he had conditioned her to "let the demon out" by giving her a baby doll
and telling her to stab it with a knife. In an uncontrollable rage, Ashley
had stabbed it over and over. Although the killing wasn't real, the
induced guilt was; she believed there was no hope for her, and was
convinced that she was irretrievably guilty.

Marisha, an adolescent alter- state, had also been forced to lie naked
on a stone altar. Dad and other cult members had ritualistically bound
her to it with ropes that he claimed were "magick" because they were
made from dried human intestines of other victims. He told Marisha
that, because the bonds had magical powers, she could never be released.
When she first emerged at home, because she still felt tied to the altar,
I had difficulty moving my hands and arms.

Cindy wrote about a "television or radio station" in downtown
Reading where Dad, Mom and other cult members had gathered on
Sunday afternoons for more trauma-based mind control sessions. She
wrote that, on one occasion, she had been bound and placed on the floor
while Dad had dumped a wicker basket of wriggling snakes onto her
torso. Cindy had thought she was going to be bitten and die from the

Tiger was an animal alter-state that I'd developed on my own. He
helped me to survive my fear of being bitten by snakes. I must have seen
on television that a tiger could kill a snake. Tiger embodied most of my
dignity and self-esteem, as well as great emotional pain. He was one of
the few alter-states that had felt powerful in Dad's presence, although
Tiger hadn't let Dad know of his existence. He had a flashback of Dad
holding out a very large snake, with the markings of a copperhead, issu-
ing me a direct order to hold it. Tiger had emerged, looking Dad in the
eye, and had staunchly refused to take the snake.

In some of the rituals near Reading, Dad had ordered me to kill babies
on a granite or marble stone altar, using an extremely sharp knife to cut
their carotid arteries. He'd then handed me an ornate silver chalice, into
which I was to drain their precious blood. Mixing their fresh blood with



opium powder and red wine, he'd ordered me and every other cult mem-
ber drink from the chalice.

Because I couldn't stand what he was forcing me to do, I created an
alter-state named Blood that experienced and compartmentalized those
traumas. Blood's heart broke every time she watched a baby's eyes go
black, knowing that she was the last human the baby would see as it died.
Blood's overwhelming sense of guilt made her dangerously suicidal
when she emerged at home. Full of pain and grief from having watched
so many precious infants die, she remained suicidal. Blood was never
allowed full control of the body outside of therapy, and was in too much
pain to try to fight for it. Hers was a living death.

Because adults had read nursery rhymes to me as a child, I developed
two alter- states based on the rhyme about the butcher, the baker, and the
candlestick maker. I created those parts after Blood. No one part of me
could cope with the full horror of killing babies, seeing their blood, and
being forced to dismember their sweet, soulless bodies.

Butcher emerged after Blood. Using Dad's large knife, Butcher
learned to dismember the dead babies' bodies, and eventually was able to
cut between their joints with ease. 13

Blood and Butcher were forced to witness and perform what no
human, let alone a child, should. (When I became an adult, these parts
were occasionally triggered out by professional handlers, to disfigure or
dismember a "target's" body. These alter-states again protected me from
going insane from the horror.) 14

After Butcher finished his job, Candlestick Maker emerged and
watched as Dad and other adults rendered body parts that they'd thrown
into boiling water in a large black cauldron that hung inside a round-
topped, stone fireplace. After the liquid cooled, Dad removed the top
layer of fat and mixed it with melted wax to create a new batch of white
ritual candles. Candlestick Maker believed if he gave Dad too much
trouble, he might be the next dead candle donor. He also watched as the
victims' bones were given to cult members' dogs to chew on.

Not all alter-states developed during rituals. Melissa began in a large
stone public building in downtown Reading. The building had at least
one large wooden stage with big, heavy, dark colored drapes. I was taken
there in the daytime, on Saturdays. I was eight years old.

Each time, Dad instructed several male Caucasians to stand inside the
exits. Then he ordered a male street dweller, who he called a "bum," to



stand on wooden stairs that led down from the stage. I stood above the
"bum" on the stage with Dad and other men from the cult as they silently
donned their black, hooded robes, which triggered tremendous rage
inside me-not only because of what they'd done to me in rituals, but also
because of what I'd seen them do to other children.

Triggered by the robes, I developed a new part, Melissa, that was able
to remember both the rituals and portions of my experiences in this big
building. 15

Knowing that Melissa couldn't express her rage directly at the black-
robed men, Dad pointed at the "bum" and said, "Kill the bad man." After
he told the man to "start running," Dad then handed Melissa either a large
knife or a loaded handgun. He never ordered Melissa to go after more
than one "bad man" per training session.

Because I loved reading Sunday morning comic strips, I created a new
alter-state that split off from Melissa. Dick Tracy visualized himself
wearing a black fedora and overcoat as he chased after each man, fully
intending to end the bad man's life. Each time he cornered the man, he
brutally killed him. (I think this happened because: the rage made me
unusually strong; the street people that Dad chose were probably weak-
ened by malnutrition and debilitating alcoholism; and the shock of being
attacked by an eight-year-old girl may have kept them from fighting back
until it was too late. Knowing Dad's bag of tricks, he may also have
drugged them.) My Dick Tracey alter-state felt completely justified
because Dad had said they were bad men. This alter-state didn't under-
stand that he probably, by proxy, was expressing Dad's hidden rage
towards his own alcoholic father.

After Dick Tracey finished each "assignment," he submerged into my
subconscious. After that, Dad-who always took off his black robe before
searching for me-found me on my knees, bent over the dead man's
bloody body, not wanting to believe I'd just killed the poor soul.

Ever alert for the tiniest changes in my body, voice, and behaviors,
Dad recognized that I'd created a third new alter-state, a young child
part that grieved each victim's death. He pointed to the spreading red
blotches on the victim's clothing and said, "Look at the pretty red
flower." The hypnotic suggestion worked because seeing a pretty flower
was preferable to seeing human blood.

(Several professional handlers used this same technique when I was an
adult. They would tell me to "look at the pretty red flower" after a black



op alter-state had obeyed instructions to shoot a man. I suspect if they
hadn't said it, I might have turned the gun on myself.)

Teenaged Gloria held my grief over a fetus that Dad had forced me
to abort and then ingest during a ritual, when I was a teenager. She
held other memories, too. She was the female I had seen in the bath-
room mirror in recurring childhood nightmares. During each of those
dreams, I was unable to cover my ears or turn away as she screamed.
I've never forgotten waking up from these nightmares, drenched with
sweat, praying that I wouldn't see the screaming lady again in my

When Gloria drew pictures of her experiences in my sketch pad, I
finally learned why she had screamed in the nightmares. Dad had bound
her to a wooden cross and had vaginally tortured her with a cattle prod.
Gloria seemed to compartmentalize my blackest rage and my strongest
memories of physical pain.

A child part that Dad had named Margaret was my only fully anal-
gesic alter-state. Because she'd been created through torture paired with
hypnosis, she was able to block out all physical pain. Margaret had
stopped developing, mentally and emotionally, at the age of nine.

One day at home, Margaret proved to me that she could feel no pain if
injured. She took control of the body while I watched (at those times,
I visualized my body as a vehicle; the dominant alter-state "drove" while
I observed from the "back seat"). She pushed a fairly large sewing needle
through the web of skin between my left thumb and index finger. As long
as she had control of the body and I just watched, I felt no pain at all;
neither did she. When she receded and I regained full control of the body,
however, I felt the pain. I was in awe.

Margaret drew several pictures of childhood torture sessions. She
wrote about a gray-haired man she'd known as a "pain giver." He had
spoken kindly to her while he'd done the most awful things. His gentle
voice and demeanor had been crucial in helping Margaret to dissociate
completely from the pain he'd inflicted. By focusing on his voice, she
totally blocked out what he did to the body.

In one picture, Margaret drew a picture of him holding the flame of a lit
candle under my left arm's soft flesh. She wrote, "Old Man Gray har [sic]
likes me." The cognitive dissonance created by what he was doing, as
opposed to his presenting himself as a caring person, was mind- splitting.
Suppressing her fear and horror, Margaret emotionally attached to the



torturer. He was much kinder in his face and voice than Dad had
ever been.

During another "test," Margaret noted that Dad seemed fascinated as
he stood silently, watching. First, the older man threw a live cat on a bed
of nails that were affixed to a large wooden board that had been set on
the floor, the points of the long nails sticking straight up. The cat
screeched loudly as it scrambled off, bleeding. Then the older man told
Margaret to lie on her back. When she obeyed, she felt no pain. As he
examined her back afterwards, he said, "Very impressive," and com-
mented on the absence of blood. Dad seemed pleased, which added to
Margaret's sense of pride.

The older sadist's final act was to dislocate all the fingers on one of my
hands. Again, Margaret felt nothing. The torturer popped each digit back
into place, telling Margaret that she had "passed the test." Again she felt

The ability to block out pain when injured, and to trance so that I
didn't bleed, was crucial when I was sent into dangerous situations as an
adult. I was made to believe that if I was disabled by any injury, my han-
dlers would kill me. Since I wanted to stay alive, I tranced to stop any
bleeding. I didn't want them to notice an injury and kill me! 16

A sweet-tempered teenaged part that Dad had perversely named Evil
had been forced to participate in the most depraved rituals. Dad had con-
vinced her that she belonged in a cage because she was too evil to ever come
out. Evil had great difficulty relating to other humans. I saved both of us
from her hopelessness by reversing her name and giving her a new
purpose: "Live."

Tonya had compartmentalized most of Mom's sexual abuse at home
and at rituals. She also remembered that she'd been orally raped,
twice, by my only close childhood friend's oldest sister in their home.
Although Tonya had felt guilty because of the physical pleasure, she'd
refused to let the older girl do it a third time. Forlorn Tonya journaled
that she'd "just wanted to be left alone to play" with my Ken and
Barbie dolls.

Maria, an adult alter-state, wrote that when she was young, she'd
been sent to "special classes" to learn how to dismember bodies. She
wrote about a black liquid that had been poured into the stomach cavities
by an adult male trainer. She'd been given black gloves with a red border
around the wrists, and had used a special set of surgical tools kept in a



black velvet-lined case. She wrote that she'd only emerged to dismember
bodies after the victims were dead. She'd used "precise, scientific think-
ing and over-awareness of colors and artistic patterns of the bodies as
coping mechanisms." She had no noticeable emotions.

Roddy, a male adult alter-state, also emerged with no emotions. Like
Maria, he was very logical and scientific-minded. (I suspect these parts
internalized some of Dad's personality traits.)

In my journal, Roddy wrote that Dad had ordered him to help with
the disposal of the remains of murdered infants in Atlanta. He wrote
that some of their body parts had been "pickled" in formaldehyde
in glass jars, to be sold on the local black market to "med students
from Emory University." He wrote that he and Dad had put other remains
in garbage bags, then in large, white plastic paint buckets filled with
moth balls, before dropping them off on the way home in dumpsters
behind commercial buildings. They used a different dumpster for each
drop-off. Dad made Roddy wear surgical gloves to avoid leaving any

After Roddy shared these ghoulish memories with me, the guilt hit
hard. He was in such anguish, he might have suicided, had not other adult
alter- states prevented him from taking full control of the body.

I was happier to discover a core alter-state named Kathleen Ann. She
wanted to talk about how Dad had tried, at home, to touch her and do
things to her that she knew weren't right. She had hidden from him as
much as she could, while playing with her dolls.

She remembered when two strange boys had lived with us in our rental
home in Laureldale, although she couldn't remember how long they were
there. She told my therapist that the older boy had blond hair and was
"old enough" to have a box that contained "pencils and pins." She liked
that boy, but noticed he was reluctant to talk about his parents. She wrote
that she didn't know why the boys had stayed with us, and added that no
one talked about them after they left.

She shared another memory, again in therapy. One day, in the kitchen
in Laureldale, she'd tried to reach for a cup perched atop a rack of dishes
on the kitchen counter. She was terrified when the rack unexpectedly
teeter- tottered on the edge of the countertop. She tried to hold it up
with her little arms, but it was too heavy. As her shaking arms gave
way, the dishes crashed to the floor. Mom entered the kitchen, saw the



mess, and grabbed a broom to sweep it up. Surprised that Mom didn't hit
her with it, a wave of relief washed over the small child. That wasn't the
end, though:

Then Dad came in there and told me to go to my room. I had my
very own bedroom. It was dark. I sat on the bed and waited.
When I heard his big feet coming up the steps I peed on the
bed. When he walked in the room and saw the dark wet on my
bed, he got really angry and grabbed my arm and threw me
against the far wall across the room. Then he grabbed all the
sheets and pulled them off the bed. He told me to go in the
closet. I was very upset because my panties were wet and cold.
I sat in the closet and he shut the door. Then I heard Mom come
into the room. She said something and I heard a slap. It
sounded like she slapped him. I got real scared for her. I opened
the door a peek to see if there was anything maybe I could do
to help her fight him. I saw him throw her down on the floor.
Her head hit it real hard. Then I saw him [rape] her. She got
real soft after he did that and she didn 't fight him anymore. He
told her to make the bed and she did. They both forgot about
me. I sat probably a couple of hours until suppertime. I made
TV shows on the door. Lots of Captain Kangaroo. Finally
mommy came to the closet and opened the door and asked what
I was doing in there, silly, and why were my pants wet. She took
me into the bathroom and washed me and changed my clothes
like I was wrong and nothing had ever happened.

Kathleen Ann communicated in a separate drawing that she had gone
completely "under" at the age of four. A new host alter- state named
Kathleen had split off from her that day, as Kathleen Ann had walked up
a large dirt hill to a daytime pagan family ritual where she knew-from past
experience-"bad things" were going to happen. 17 That particular day, she'd
decided that she just couldn't take any more. For the next thirty-two years,
she'd remained hidden inside, encased and protected by other alter-states.

A child part called Baby was one of a cluster of "home" alter-states
that I seemed to create on my own. Baby had stopped developing,
mentally and emotionally, at the age of ten. She explained that Dad



had often called her a "cry-baby." She was terribly afraid of sudden
noises and movements, and anything else that seemed inexplicable. She
was petrified with fear when she turned a light switch to the "on" posi-
tion at night, but the light didn't come on. She was the alter-state that had
sleepwalked at night. She'd enjoyed spending time with my cat, Snoopy,
and our family dog, Lassie, although she'd hated it when the pets fought.

Fatty, an adolescent part, had internalized that name because Dad had
often called me "Fatty." This part almost always hid in our house in Reiffton
with a good book and a paper napkin full of food. Mom had abused her, ver-
bally and physically, when Dad was away at work. She wrote: "Mom would
drink and get into a rage. I tried to win her approval and affection by clean-
ing the house and ironing. It never worked. I was afraid of her when she
pulled out her bottle from one of the top kitchen cabinets. I remember
having to iron all of the family's bed sheets." This is the only alter-state,
to-date, that reported seeing Mom secretively drink liquor at home while
Dad was away. She also reported that Mom often forced me to put my hand
on the ironing board, and then Mom touched it with the scalding hot iron,
telling Dad later (if he asked) that I'd done it to myself. 18

Jennifer's mental and emotional development had been arrested at
age 14. She'd compartmentalized a memory of having been brutally
sodomized by Dad after we'd moved to Maryland. Showing rare spirit,
she'd physically fought against him. She had desperately wanted to live
a normal life and enjoy normal relationships with kids her own age.

Marcey, a child alter-state, usually emerged when I was sick and
needed to rest. She visualized herself wearing a white nurse's uniform
and cap. She tried to protect me by taking the brunt of the abuse
whenever people took advantage of my illnesses and temporary lack of
strength. When she emerged at home this time, I had the flu. She
mentally "stood guard" and wouldn't allow Bill to talk to me until after
I'd slept soundly.

Andreia remembered another terrible childhood memory and drew
four sequential pictures of it. I was about six years old. It was a warm
day; the grass was green and Andreia was clad in blue shorts and a red,
short-sleeved T-shirt. At first, she stood near Dad and several other male
cult members in a cemetery. She clearly felt helpless because in the first
picture, in which she stood next to a deep dirt hole holding an unearthed
coffin, she didn't draw her legs or feet. She wrote, "They made me stand
beside the coffin they put the dirt on the black cloth."



In the second picture, she was lying on her back inside the open
coffin, down in the hole. She drew her legs, but her hands and feet were
still missing-signifying that she'd been unable to run or fight against
the men.

She wrote, "They take the lady [fresh corpse] out and make me lay in the
coffin and shut it. I pretend I am dead then they open it and put her back in
on top of me. I will not draw that she has no head. This is just a bad dream.
I will wake up soon. She has juices come out of her neck, they get on my
face and hair and top. Bad Bad Bad. I am dead. No more bad things."

The memory of the "juices" was, by far, the most gruesome part of the
entire memory. It was beyond any horror I'd previously relived. Because
I couldn't stand the physical sensations and visual flashbacks, I called
Bethesda and asked one of the nurses for help. She talked to Andreia and
asked her to draw a closed coffin. On that page, Andreia wrote: "The lady
told me to close my memory until I can see the doctor. Coffin U R Locked
until I say so!"

Exactly one week after the memory first emerged, Andreia met with
the therapist in his office. Having a supportive listener helped Andreia,
tears and snot flowing, to survive the memory of the decapitated woman
lying atop her, crashing her to where she could barely breathe.

At home that night, she drew a picture of the open coffin, with Andreia
lying beneath the decapitated body that still wore a dress. Because young
child Andreia was now blending and sharing information with me, and
me with her, she now used grown-up words to explain the logic that had
kept her sane: "Her body was there but her soul was gone. My body was
there and my soul was still there too. She was dead but I was alive. Not
the same! Who was she? Was she somebody important to them? What
was the purpose in them doing this?"

Underneath the picture, she wrote: "I got gooey stuff-slimy-on my
face and hair and shirt. They took me to [a female cult member's] house.
She made me take a shower and she washed my clothes so no one would
ever know." 19

In this journal entry, Andreia seemed to be describing the trauma that
had initially created her. Because her personality was like mine, and
because she didn't identify herself by a new name during that horror, Dad
hadn't realized that she wasn't the host alter-state. I believe this is why
Andreia was able to stay hidden from Dad for decades, conserving my
sense of innate goodness and my ability to love.



I was most surprised by the emergence of an alter-state named Lisa.
Mentally and emotionally, she was more than thirty years old. She
explained that she'd usually been conscious and in control at home as an
adult, rarely allowing me to emerge away from work. She'd protected me
from what she still perceived as Albert's "insanity." She'd also taken on
the responsibility of enduring abusive and demeaning sex with him that
no part of me had enjoyed.

Since 1981, many more alter-states and personality fragments-hun-
dreds upon hundreds-shared their unique experiences with me. For a
while, I tried to document each one, but after several years, I grew
overwhelmed. There were so many, I didn't think I could ever experience
integration! I realized if I was going to stay positive about my recovery,
I needed to stop counting them.

Internal Cooperation

Although my personality and soul had been brutally splintered into
many "pieces," I'd nevertheless started out as one person with one body
and one mind like everyone else. Now, I prefer to visualize each alter-
state as having been a glob of experience that was stored in one or more
areas of my brain. I was not those alter-states before I became co-conscious
with them; nor were they me. I did not yet have access to these parts of
my brain.

That's why, when they did certain activities, I did not consciously
participate; nor did the majority of them experience my life at home, at
church, and at work. "My" experiences as the primary host alter-state had
been stored in areas of my brain that were not yet accessible to them. And
those alter-states had been stored in parts of my brain that were not yet
accessible to me.

As pieces and fragments of my shattered personality emerged and
communicated to me through diaries, drawings and more, new neuron
and chemical paths bridged the gaps between where they were stored in
my brain, and where "I" was stored. Many times, when I connected with
an emerging part for the first time, I had a strong headache behind my
forehead. Sometimes it went all through my head and down into the back
of my neck.



Although some scientists claim that we are unable to feel our brains,
I disagree. When I participated in therapeutic EEG biofeedback sessions,
I was able to feel changes in pressure in different sections of my brain
as I shifted from my Beta brainwaves to Alpha, and so on. That experi-
ence explained why, when some alter-states emerged, they described
themselves as being up or to the right or left, or down a little. I believe
those alter-states were describing where, in my brain, they could be

As I became more familiar with my emerging alter-states, and they
with me, we became co-conscious and shared our information and
knowledge with each other. Over time, I realized I was only one part of
the original whole-a large piece, but just a part, nonetheless. I didn't
have sufficient strength to take on all their traumas, but I could lend my
knowledge and blend with them so that, as a more cohesive whole, we'd
amass enough strength and understanding to successfully cope with
future memories and attached emotions.


1. Although the codependency group helped me to be more assertive and to set and
maintain stronger and healthier boundaries with others, I eventually terminated my
membership in it and several other support groups. Even in groups designed for
survivors of child abuse, I felt lonely and disconnected because my memories were
too horrific to share.

2. Later, I experienced audio flashbacks. Like visual flashbacks, they were always
unexpected. As an example, I might be working outside in the garden and suddenly
hear one or two words. It wasn't as if they'd necessarily been addressed to me in the
past; it was more like I had been in the same room when I'd heard that person speak.

3. I wasn't yet aware that not knowing the time frame or physical location of a
remembered event is common among dissociated trauma survivors. At the time,
I felt pressured to give a date for the event, even though I wasn't certain of that
date. Now, I feel comfortable in stating that it must have occurred in either 1963 or
1964, because that's when the World's Fair was in New York City.

4. Being suicidal and committing suicide are two different things for me, although
they can get way too close together when the emotional pain is at its worst.
Because I've seen people killed via faked suicides, suicide is not an option for me.
If a memory is absolutely unbearable and I have no safe way to get through it



at home, I will call my psychiatrist and ask to check into a hospital so that I can
survive it.

5. At that time, many therapists believed that a person was capable of having more
than one full personality (hence, multiple personalities). In 1994, the APA pub-
lished a more accurate diagnosis, Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) in its
Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition (DSMIV).
The symptoms of DID are:

• The presence of two or more distinct identities or personality states;

• At least two . . . recurrently take control of the person's behavior;

• Inability to recall important personal information that is too extensive to be
explained by ordinary forgetfulness;

• The disturbance is not due to the direct physiological effect of a
substance ... or a general medical condition. ("Psych Central 1")

6. One might wonder if I'd inadvertently internalized other patients' traumatic
memories. In reality, most hospitalized trauma survivors are so discomfited by
their memories, they prefer not to discuss them-not even in group therapy. In
group therapy sessions, I spent most of my time learning how to cope with my
alter-states and unfamiliar emotions. Reliving horrific memories in individual
therapy was exhausting and very painful. For that reason, when we socialized,
we talked about light subjects and were careful not to trigger each other's
memories. I have found this to be equally true at other specialized hospital units
for trauma survivors.

7. I've been amazed by the number of recovering ritual abuse and mind-control
survivors who have contacted me, who had either grown up in that part of
Pennsylvania or had moved there as active victims when they became adults.

8. They finally stopped when a therapist explained to them that if they continued to
do this, they might damage the nerves in my genitals, and then no one would be
able to enjoy sex anymore!

9. This was a problem for me when my torture and op memories emerged, because
I had no noticeable marks or scars to verify those memories. I envied survivors who
had proofs on their bodies. I believe that Dad preferred using electricity, drowning,
sensory deprivation, mental torture, and similar methods to split my mind because
they left little to no evidence. Not having scars doesn't mean that one wasn't
tortured. Graessner, et al wrote:

Altogether, there are several forms of torture that are either hard to
prove or can only be established based on a patient's complete
presentation. One should not, however, make the error of dismissing a
particular form of torture and its consequences simply because one has
not heard of it before or has run into extreme difficulty explaining it.
Torturers vary their methods, and our proofs inevitably lag behind. This



is especially true for those states that are increasingly replacing physi-
cal torture with refined forms of psychological torture, (pp. 195-196)

10. After I'd begun to remember Dad's Nazi affiliations, I was deeply shaken when, on
the Internet, I found a set of notes about the Holocaust film, Shoah. Claude
Lanzmann wrote: "Itzhak Dugin-another survivor of Vilna-told of being forced to dig
up the buried bodies with just his hands in order to burn them. When the last mass
grave was opened he recognized his whole family. Was forced to refer to the corpses
as 'puppets' or 'dolls' (Figuren) or 'rags' (Schmattes)" (Shoah 1)

11. Dad sometimes jokingly called the resulting sound, "snap, crackle and pop."
He would reinforce the horror the next morning at our breakfast table by
pouring milk on our bowls of Rice Krispies cereal, grinning as he watched me lis-
ten to the too-familiar sounds, so tranced, I couldn't lift my spoon from
the table.

12. Even when I was an adult, Dad sent me items, such as stuffed animals, that
represented snow owls and koala bears.

13. Every week, for years, I had a powerful compulsion-to buy a whole chicken at the
grocery store and cut it into pieces. I couldn't buy already-cut chicken; I had to
cut it apart myself. When I realized it was a ritual reenactment, I didn't have the
compulsion anymore.

14. When the ritual memories emerged, my biggest question was, how could my
father and his cult associates have done such gory and horrifying things to other
humans without having nightmares and flashbacks? Why was I so traumatized that
I tranced and split off the memories, but they didn't? Anna C. Salter, Ph.D.
explained why:

The rest of us blink when we're startled in the middle of viewing some-
thing unpleasant. Why is that? Who knows? But maybe the aversive-
ness of something unpleasant puts our nervous system on red alert.
Being tense already, it reacts more when startled. Nothing like that
happens to psychopaths. Landscapes. Burn victims. There's not much
difference from their point of view. (pg. 9)

15. In April, 1998 a contact near Reading, PA did some investigatory work for me. She

I wanted to see if the old abandoned movie theatre in Reading on
Sixth St. was still standing so I took a drive over there and found that
it is. It's a very large building and it sits right up close against the
sidewalk. Sixth St. is right in the middle of town.

I believe this may have been the building where I was forced to endure my kill
training as a child. Unfortunately, because I have remembered many traumas that



I suffered at the hands of criminals living in or near Reading, I choose not to return
to that area.

16. When I first became co-conscious with Margaret, I had great difficulty accepting
her memories. How was it possible that she had felt no pain, when tortured? And
how could she have lain on a bed of sharp nails and not bled, although the cat did?

Carla Emery explained this phenomenon:

Pain can be blocked by suggestion. Hypnosis enables people to endure
more pain than otherwise would be possible. The deeper the trance, the
more pain can be endured. Because hypnotic anesthesia is of psycho-
logical origin, numbing patterns induced by suggestion are what the
subject thinks they should be, rather than correct nerve anatomy . . .
Persons I have known, whose dental work was done under hypnosis, were
pleased with how well suggestion overcame fear, pain, and bleeding,
(pp. 217-218)

17. Although Dad chose to practice a combined form of Nazi Teutonic Paganism (as
will be discussed in a later chapter) mixed with British and American Satanism and
Luciferian practices, several of his older relatives, who publicly attended Christian
churches, adhered to their family-generational Druid religion. For this reason, I-as
the oldest child on both sides of my family-was expected not only to learn and par-
ticipate in Dad's form of occultism; I was also expected to learn and perpetuate the
family's old-world Pagan practices. This terrible burden increased my

18. Fatty and other parts shared that, like with Dad, being alone in the house with Mom
usually meant being sexually assaulted, tortured, or both. Another of Mom's
favorite ways of torturing me was to wound me with straight pins and needles from
her sewing kits because they left tiny, hard-to-notice marks. For this reason, I still
have great difficulty motivating myself to mend our clothes.

19. When I remembered the coffin trauma, I hadn't yet read any occult literature.
(I avoided such materials, so that my ritual memories would be untainted.) Because
this was straight memory, I really thought Dad had ritually traumatized me out
of his insanity. Then I received information from a researcher who indicated
that the "occult tradition of initiation involving the ritual passage through death
had occurred as far back as the Egyptian Book of the Dead." The researcher

The German Brotherhood of Death Society that Hitler belonged to was
the Thule Society. Their coffin rituals are very similar to those Ron
Rosenbaum describes in his article, "The Last Secrets of Skull and
Bones." In the initiation ceremonies of this highly secretive occult
organization that boasts several United States Presidents, including



George Bush Sr., new members "lay [sic] naked in coffins and tell their
deepest and darkest sexual secrets as part of their initiation." (pg. 85)
Aleister Crowley, in The Ritual of Passing Through the Tuat, described
the initiation ceremony into the Order of Thelema: "The candidate then
undresses; and is clad in the shroud of a corpse. His feet and hands are
wrapped closely, his mouth is stopped, and his eyes are blindfolded.
He is then placed in the coffin. The officer approaches, now that the
coffin has been carried into the darkened temple. He stops with a
napkin dipped in the consecrated water the nostrils of the candidate,
much distressing him." Anton LaVey wrote in The Satanic Rituals:
Companion To The Satanic Bible: "The ceremony of rebirth takes
place in a large coffin. This is similar to the coffin symbolism that . . .
is found in most lodge rituals." (pg. 57)

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Traumatic Memories

Dr. R

Because alter-states and memories continued to emerge after I'd
returned from Denver, Dr. T referred me to an associate in Atlanta who had
some understanding of MPD. I first consulted with Dr. R in June, 1990.
The psychiatrist was intelligent and surprisingly gentle. I was impressed by
the many framed, black and white photos that he'd hung on the walls of his
large, ornate room where he conducted our therapy sessions.

Although we met three times a week, there was never enough time for
all of my emerging alter-states to share their experiences with him. I con-
tinued to process most of my memories at home, letting the parts draw
pictures or write their memories in my journals.

After I'd met with Dr. R for about six months, he asked if it were
possible that my memories were fantasy. At home that night, a child part
that had opened up to him felt so painfully betrayed that she prepared to
swallow all the pills in the house. As usual, Catalina took temporary
control of the body and called Dr. R to explain the situation. Dr. R apol-
ogized to both alter-states, and said he'd work harder on listening to them
without judging. 1

Although I felt frightened and angry when I learned that I could have
died that night, I now believe that what I'd told Dr. R about my past had
probably been so horrific, his gentle soul couldn't deal with it.


In the late spring of 1991, several black op parts emerged. Full of
emotional pain, they were dangerously suicidal. To stay alive, I needed
to remain in a locked hospital unit while working with them. A contact
told me about Dr. X, a psychiatrist who practiced in Dallas, Texas. She
said that Dr. X was familiar with my mental programming, and advised
me to check into his dissociative disorders psychiatric unit at Bedford
Meadows Hospital, where she said I would receive specialized help.




When I told Dr. R that I wanted to go to that hospital, he said I should
remain in Atlanta to work through my memories with Dr. R on an outpatient
basis. When I disagreed, we had a falling-out. I never talked to him again.

Unhappy about traveling to Texas to enter another locked psych ward
for God only knew how long, I kept reminding myself of a saying I'd
learned at Crossroads: "The truth shall set you free, but first it shall make
you miserable." 2

When I checked into Bedford Meadows, Dr. X was away on vacation.
His unit was tiny, and there wasn't enough staff to meet clients' basic
needs. When some of the female clients tried to kill themselves, I and other
clients had to protect them from self-injury with pillows, our bodies, and
whatever else was available.

One young female constantly banged large dents in the corridor walls
with her forehead. Anytime we heard thuds, we rushed to her and placed
our pillows between her head and the wall. An older female repeatedly
wrapped a telephone wire tightly around her neck, grinning. Her face
turned gray-purple and her eyes bulged each time she fought our
attempts to loosen it-still grinning. A thin, elderly female nearly died
when she hung herself in her shared bedroom.

I was traumatized from witnessing one suicide attempt after another.
I still joke that I should have been paid for the work I did that first week
as a "staff member." Because I felt unsafe, I wasn't able to start working
on my own reasons for being there.

Exhausted one day, I lay on my back on a sofa in the tiny lounge
beyond the locked nurses' station. Suddenly and without warning, I
experienced a powerful, full-body abreaction. My body tensed all over
and I screamed involuntarily. Every muscle seemed to either tense or
lengthen-it was hard to tell-and I couldn't stop the convulsions.

Each time another abreaction started, I pushed my face into a pillow
to mute my screams. A soft-spoken, older female patient sat on the sofa
and stayed with me through two days of convulsions. She stroked my
hair and spoke soothingly until each abreaction ended. The seemingly
unending onslaught frightened me, and yet neither of the unit's two
nurses ever asked if I needed help. I was frightened because I didn't
understand what these abreactions were about, and I didn't know if
they'd recur (after the second day, they didn't). 3

After a week, Dr. X returned to the unit. The psychiatrist's presence
was like oil on troubled waters. He reminded me of a tall, thin Svengali.

Traumatic Memories


His dark, commanding eyes and voice put clients into an immediate
trance; they instantly stopped acting out. That amazed me.

Because the small unit and insufficient personnel didn't meet our
needs, Dr. X convinced all of us to transfer to Charter-Grapevine, a
nearby hospital. I decided that if Dr. X moved to the other hospital, I
would go with him.

As we boarded several white Charter-Grapevine vans in
Bedford-Meadows' parking lot, Dr. X excitedly boasted that the incident
would be reported in professional journals. He said it was the first time
in history that an entire psychiatric unit had transferred in protest from
one hospital to another. I felt empowered by the idea that I had participated
in such an event.


During one of our first group therapy sessions in the new dissociative
disorders unit at Charter-Grapevine, Dr. X said that he'd secretly set it
up during his vacation. Then he told us to map our internal systems of
alter-states on large pieces of paper and bring our maps to the next
session. He didn't suggest any specifics.

Alone in my shared bedroom, I put myself into a trance so knowledge-
able alter-states could emerge and draw the map. Within hours, they'd used
pastel pens to create a fairly elaborate, large diagram of different groups of
alter-states that had specific programmed functions. The primary groups,
or systems, were code-named Alpha, Beta, Delta, Theta and Omicron.
When I compared my diagram to others' at the next group session, I was
disappointed. I found no similarities in their maps, and didn't under-
stand-yet-that my map was encoded. I feared that it was pure gibberish.

After the session, I went back to the bedroom, relaxed, and ceded con-
trol to the parts that had drawn it, asking them to please explain it to me.
When I regained consciousness, I learned that an unfamiliar adult male
alter-state had emerged. Emotionless, he had told a nurse sitting behind
a large counter that he could scan the nurse's station and quickly identify
twelve items to kill the staff with.

The nurse had handled the situation well by listening without showing
any fear or anger. She later told me that she'd recognized that the alter-
state had tried to communicate, in an awkward way, what he'd been
trained to do.



The next day, another male adult part emerged. He believed that he must
kill "the body" because other parts were close to telling secrets to the staff.
He was frustrated when he couldn't find a television antenna to pierce
my heart-the unit had cable hookup. Since he'd been programmed to
suicide in only that way, he was then free to talk to the staff and to share
his memories with me.

Lee, a tall, young blond technician, was especially gentle and helpful
during my stay. He and another male technician spent a lot of time talking
and bonding with my male, black op trained alter-states. They helped those
parts to accept my brand of morality, and to discover new reasons to live.

Lee made a deal with several of them: if they sensed that a new part
was emerging that could be dangerous to "the body" or to others, coop-
erative alter-states would alert the staff, walk willingly into the quiet
room, and be put in leather restraints on a padded table. That way, the
staff could talk to potentially violent alter-states in safety. Most of my
op-trained alter-states first emerged in those restraints.

Being put in restraints had a downside, however. It re-traumatized
alter-states that had previously been put in restraints by perpetrators to be
drugged, electro- shocked, and more.

I'm glad that none of my alter-states attacked staff members.
I watched as other patients, especially females, physically assaulted and
injured some of the workers-especially males. Too many times, staff
members came to work with casts on their arms, or limping, or with
broken fingers.

Dr. X's hand-picked, personally trained staff had been careful to
search all my belongings. They'd removed all metal and glass
objects-"sharps"-that I could have used to harm myself or others. Even
spiral bound notebooks were not allowed.

Several emerging alter-states searched for light bulbs they could break
and use to cut my veins, but the bulbs were encased in metal cages.
Because no bars had been installed in the clothes closets, they couldn't
hang themselves. Even the mirror in my vanity case had been removed.
The search continued.

One day, a female child alter- state emerged in the bedroom while my
roommates socialized in the day room down the hall. Sensing she was in
a place where secrets might be told, she believed she must kill the body.
She dismantled my wind-up alarm clock and prepared to slice my wrists
by using one of the clock's metal hands.

Traumatic Memories


Susan, my young female therapist, unexpectedly entered the bedroom.
As the black-haired woman introduced herself to the child part, who
refused to speak, she asked what the child part was hiding in her hand.
Unable to lie, she showed Susan the metal objects. Susan praised the
child part for being so clever, and obtained the clock and metal pieces
without a struggle.

Several days later, another child part emerged and discovered she
could cut my flesh with the sharp point of folded foil from containers of
orange juice in the unit's refrigerator. She tried to cut my exposed veins
in my wrists and inner elbows. Fortunately, the foil wasn't sharp or
strong enough. When the child part realized she wouldn't succeed, she
receded. Catalina took over and cried from pain and emotional shock as
she showed a nurse the throbbing gouges. The nurse murmured sooth-
ingly as she applied small bandages; she was used to seeing self-injuries.

When I emerged after that incident, I realized that some of my alter-
states seriously wanted to successfully suicide. I feared for my life and
deeply resented their existence.

About a week later, an adult female op-trained alter- state gained
full control. For some reason, she believed that an airline ticket waited
for her at the Dallas-Fort Worth Airport, across the expressway from the
hospital. At dusk, she stood on the unit's open-air, concrete patio until the
other clients had all gone inside to watch television. When she silently
ascended the wooden fence that surrounded the patio, the flimsy lattice-
work atop it cracked loudly. She receded and I emerged to find myself
flopped over the top of the fence, unable to move in either direction with-
out making a lot of noise.

Lee sprinted outside to the opposite side of the fence to prevent me
from running away. Several nurses came out onto the patio and gently
coaxed me down, then escorted me inside as I cried and shook. I was so
embarrassed-what else were these parts capable of? And what might
have happened to me at that airport?

Witch Hunt

Dr. X and his staff made a crucial mistake that slowed down my recov-
ery process for several years. They constantly encouraged me and other
patients to focus on "demons" and "demonic ties" that they said lurked



within our bodies. They instructed us to mentally review every occult
ritual that we could remember. They told us to pray and break every
demonic tie imaginable, including any ties from our past that were cre-
ated during sexual interactions-even from being raped!

Trusting they had information I didn't, I obeyed. Some of my newly
emerging adult parts grew alarmed. They had risked death to divulge
important information about how they had been programmed to per-
form black ops-especially for the CIA. And yet, I was now being told
to focus on invisible ties from occult rituals and sexual interactions !

Because I was a member of a Pentecostal church, I believed Dr. X
when he repeatedly insisted that most of our alter-states were demonic
introjects (spiritual invaders). He gave each of us a paperback book writ-
ten by his colleague, Dr. James Friesen, who seemed to believe the same.
One evening, we sat in the day room as Dr. X played a videotape about
trauma survivor Truddi Chase, author of When Rabbit Howls. Dr. X told
us Ms. Chase had "failed to integrate" because she hadn't prayed away
her hundreds of demons that, he said, were still posing as alter-states. 4

In individual sessions and in group therapy, we were encouraged to
visualize ourselves pouring the "blood of Jesus" on internal child alter-
states to chase away lurking demons. This definitely was not good for
me, mentally. Dr. X also told us to visualize placing alter-states in cages
or soundproof rooms, so that the few remaining "true" alter-states
couldn't hear the lies of the "demons," or their screams, in our minds.
Again this wasn't good for me, but I did it, believing that Dr. X knew
what was best.

In group therapy, he told us to prayerfully ask Jesus and angels to enter
our bodies to oust the remaining demons. This especially bothered me
because as a child, I'd been raped during a porn shoot by a bearded man
dressed in a white robe-he'd played the role of Jesus Christ. (Some
pornographers are really twisted.)

Although uncomfortable with most of Dr. X's instructions, I still
complied. Because no one else openly complained, I assumed I must be
wrong for feeling uncomfortable and for daring to consider that my
"demons" might be human.

My assigned hospital psychiatrist, who saw patients in several differ-
ent units, formally complained that members of Dr. X's staff were con-
stantly putting me and other clients in restraints in the quiet room, then
praying over us — rather like exorcists. In response, I filed a handwritten
complaint against that psychiatrist, reminding the hospital administrators

Traumatic Memories


of my right to practice my religion. Dr. X expressed his appreciation for
my doing this.

By the end of my two-month hospital stay, I'd used visualization
techniques to internally lock up, cage, and exorcise all of my "demons."
I'd also created a new host personality named Grace. During a phone
call, I told Bill to address me as Grace from then on. Dr. X seemed
pleased, and told me that I was fully integrated. I believed him. He said
he would add me to his list of success stories that he shared with other
mental health professionals.

In the beginning of October, I was discharged. When Bill came to the
hospital to take me home, I cried and didn't want to leave. He was deeply
hurt and didn't understand that I feared I'd be killed for having told
people about what I'd done for the CIA. I now believed that Dr. X's
hospital unit was my only safe refuge.

After leaving the hospital, Bill took me to Dr. X's nearby office for a
private meeting. There, the psychiatrist instructed me to send him copies
of all of my future journals. He said he would use my information to help
other clients to deprogram. Flattered, I agreed to do so.

At home in Atlanta, I typed my daily journals and sent copies to the
psychiatrist, once a week. Later, I recorded some of them on cassette
tapes to send to him. For some bizarre reason, I believed that as long as
Dr. X had copies of all of my journals, no one would hurt me. I also
believed that as long as I communicated my alter-states' emerging mem-
ories to him, I didn't need a local therapist.

Because I'd developed strong emotional bonds with several staff
members and some of the patients at Charter-Grapevine, Atlanta was a
lonely place. I had no one to talk to about my still-emerging memories.
I slipped back into denial, insisted I was fully integrated, and did my best
to ignore new flashbacks.

After about a month, a friend called to confront me. She said she was tired
of my bullshit; no one could integrate hundreds of alter-states in just two
months! Happy to hear her voice, several child alter-states popped out and
told her that "Grace" was a smokescreen I'd unconsciously created to hide
the existence of my unintegrated "demonic" alter-states. They asked, what
else could I have done? If I'd refused to say I had cast the "demons" out, I
would have been accused of not cooperating with Dr. X or with Jesus Christ!

When I came back into consciousness, I remembered what those parts
told my friend. Terribly embarrassed, I apologized to her and to Bill and
asked them to please call me Kathleen from then on.




For the next six months, I tried to cope without a therapist. I gave up
when my flashbacks were too severe to handle on my own. After
several weeks of asking around, I learned about Therese, a local psychol-
ogist who had successfully worked with Vietnam Veterans and with
several severely dissociated ritual abuse survivors. During my first
consultation with her, I sensed she was what I needed. She was upbeat,
intelligent, and a fighter.

We decided I would meet with her twice a week. I noticed that her
office was full of unusual knick-knacks that she said clients had given
her over the years. Several were similar to paraphernalia I'd seen in
Pagan rituals. When I mentioned that, she explained that their real mean-
ings had nothing to do with Paganism. She helped me to understand that
because I was sensitive to hundreds of triggers, I would inevitably
encounter some of them in regular life.

With her help, I accepted the reality that not all candles and Halloween
items in store windows represented occult rituals, and not all people who
used triggering phrases were bad guys. Coincidences happened. I prac-
ticed desensitizing myself to such items and phrases by giving them
nicer, non-perp meanings. As I did, I started to gain power over many of
my trauma-induced triggers.

Because Therese was familiar with multiplicity, alter-states
and personality fragments emerged in her presence. Each was eager to
share information and experiences with her. She was careful not to sug-
gest anything, and explained that her job was to listen and to help me
adjust to the information that those parts compartmentalized.

Therese recognized that I still suffered from heavy guilt and grief
because of what I'd been forced to do in the past. In a gentle voice, she
often repeated a phrase: "Less judgment and more curiosity." Her serene
acceptance of what seemed abhorrent in me saved my life when the bulk
of my sociopathic assassin alter-states emerged.

Black Op Alter-States

Most of my black op alter-states saw themselves as adult males.
They complained to Therese that life at home was painfully dull. They
were accustomed to working within extremely dangerous parameters,

Traumatic Memories


adrenaline pumping, making split-second decisions, enjoying the rush,
facing death again and again, and winning. They didn't want to live a
normal life. They wanted to go back to their handlers; they didn't want to
be freed. As I interacted with the alter-states in therapy sessions, journals,
and internal dialogue, I discovered deeper and more troubling reasons for
their insistence in going back to the perpetrators.

First-if a local handler were to call me at home to instruct an
alter- state to meet with him or her, and if the alter- state were to refuse,
retribution could be swift and painful. Because these alter-states had
been created through severe torture, they were terrified of pain and would
do anything to avoid being "punished" for disobedience.

Second-they were convinced that if they did not obey, someone
else-possibly my daughter-would also be tortured, raped, and possibly
killed. Although some of these parts didn't want to do illegal activities
again, they also couldn't bear for any child to be hurt or killed in their stead.

Third-these parts felt hopeless and believed they had no choice but to
obey the handlers.

Finally-in the past, if they had been instructed to participate in a mur-
der, they had cooperated because they'd believed the targeted individual
would be killed regardless of who was sent in to do the job. They'd been
programmed to believe it was better to kill one person than to disobey
and be killed along with the target. In each situation, they'd been forced
to choose between a lesser or greater evil.

The mental and emotional toll from performing black ops had been
intense. Each time these parts had killed human targets, they'd felt more
emotionless and bestial. They carried the greatest pain and horror of all:
believing they were irretrievably evil.

Most of my black-op alter states had wanted to commit suicide at
some time in the past. One had tried while in captivity, after she'd been
forced to sign a legal document given to her by an alleged CIA handler.
Afterwards, while left alone in a bathroom, she'd punched a glass mirror
in a medicine cabinet and prepared to slash my wrists with a shard of
glass. Fortunately, a black ops partner named Peter had entered and inter-
vened, gently coaxing her into giving him the shard. That had made the
alter-state feel more hopeless-she couldn't even suicide to stop the

Some of my alter-states had emotionally bonded with op handlers,
programmers, and with men who had claimed to be my owners. Some
alter-states believed they were still owned by the men who had paid



to use their services. These parts were so lacking in everyday knowledge,
they didn't even know that slavery was illegal!

Some of the emotional bonding had occurred during sexual encoun-
ters. And some of my parts had identified with and molded themselves
after the perceived personalities of programmers and "masters." An espe-
cially powerful type of bonding had occurred when these alter-states had
witnessed the "good side" of the tormentors. Even the worst perpetrators
had good qualities. Some of them were deliberately kind to
the alter-states, pretending to treat them as equals. Those perp-loyal
alter-states didn't know that other parts of my shattered personality had
been betrayed, tortured, and sometimes sexually assaulted by the very
same criminals!

I felt helpless and frightened when I couldn't stop my perp-loyal parts
from reporting back. I had to wait until they became co-conscious with
other alter-states that held memories of having been hurt or brutally
betrayed by the same perpetrators. Only then were they willing to break
their allegiances and cooperate with me.

I made sure these parts had sufficient time to grieve the loss of their
unhealthy relationships with the perpetrators. Once they realized they'd
been betrayed and duped, they became my fiercest fighter and self-
protector alter-states.

Part of breaking away meant choosing not to respond to late-night,
encoded phone calls from a succession of young children. They
inevitably called just before a major occult holiday, asking to speak to an
alter-state, by name, that I'd already identified and documented. The
children sounded emotionally blank, as if they were reciting what they'd
been told to say. Those phone calls were especially upsetting, because I
believed the children were still being hurt at Aryan rituals.


Each time I found another part that was still active, I felt devastated.
Sometimes I wondered if maybe I should just give up and go back to the
perpetrators. During that phase of recovery, I learned that I am a fighter.
When facing overwhelming odds, I have a spark inside that just won't
quit. I'm lucky that my fight instinct had been powerfully reinforced
during brutal black ops training, and then by real op experiences.

Traumatic Memories


Even if the entire world were to burn down around me, I was determined
to be the one human still standing with a heartbeat.

Therese helped me to forgive myself when some parts did report
back-usually by phone. Instead of berating myself, I reframed each
discovery. Each time I successfully enlisted another reporting part's
loyalty, I was a step closer to full freedom.

After a year of working with Therese, I uncovered another secret that ter-
rified me: Bill also had spook-loyal alter-states. I hadn't remembered ear-
lier, because I hadn't felt strong or supported enough by people outside our
marriage. Now, however, I was ready to face the hard, cold truth. Not only
had he recently done work with the ASA; he had also, in the past, occasion-
ally handled me for the CIA during covert ops. As I remembered this, I
feared that his CIA-loyal alter-states could be activated to betray me again.

Therese taught me to set up contingency plans in case of an emer-
gency. My stepmother agreed I could stay at her house if needed.
I insisted that my car be put in my name only. I opened a safety deposit
box in my name, where I put my passport and other important papers that
Bill couldn't access.

Only then did I confront him about his own multiplicity and insist that
he also see a therapist. I explained if he didn't start getting co-conscious
with his own alter-states, our marriage was over. As much as I loved him,
I couldn't put myself at that kind of risk anymore.

Bill decided to consult with Bob since I'd done fairly well with him in
the past. As Bill allowed alter-states to emerge in Bob's office, several of
Bill's adult parts related details of covert ops that Bill, as the host alter-
state, had completely blocked out. Because he'd never worked with a
client like Bill before, Bob wasn't quite sure how to respond. 5 Therese
explained to Bob that the best he could do was to simply listen in a non-
judgmental way.

After Bill's alter-states emerged in therapy with Bob, they came home
to meet me. Having so many alter-states popping out at the same time put
an additional strain on our marriage. We often regressed and flashbacked
at the same time. Sometimes, we both morphed into op trained assassins
that were edgy, hyper-vigilant, and distrustful. (Play wrestling was not a
good idea at those times.)

As we continued to remember, independently of each other, we both
realized that we definitely had known each other long before I'd first met
Bill's "William" alter-state in 1985. 6



Bill's verification of our previous connections worried me.
I questioned why we had chosen to marry each other. Was it because of
our strong trauma bond from past ops? Was I Stockholming with Bill,
marrying him and drawing close to him so that his CIA-loyal parts
wouldn't hurt me? How much of our marriage was healthy? Any of it?
Could it still be salvaged after we'd each remembered enough to take
charge of our own lives?

I chose not to make any hasty decisions. After a number of
heart-to-heart talks with Therese and other people in my support
network, I decided I would focus on recovering, integrating, and grow-
ing stronger and more independent. I developed a stronger support
network outside of our marriage so if I did have to leave Bill to stay safe, I
wouldn't crumble. Having the freedom to leave also gave me the freedom
to stay.

Return to Texas

In August 1992, two new child alter-states emerged. They both
threatened to self-destruct-one, by fire. I returned to Texas to consult pri-
vately with Dr. X at his new unit at Cedars Hospital. As I met with him
during our initial consultation, I told him that hundreds upon hundreds of
alter-states had come out since I'd discharged from Charter-Grapevine.
He said this meant I had "polyfragmented MPD" (poly = many). This fit,
because some of my alter-states had journaled that Mom had told them
I was a "thousand-piece jigsaw puzzle." 7

I consulted with Dr. X almost every day for the next two weeks.
During one private session, a male alter-state, code-named Lucifer,
emerged. At the next session, Dr. X said this alter-state was the real
Lucifer, which he'd met in another client a week earlier in Florida.
Certain that Dr. X was wrong (the alter-state was definitely human),
I realized that going back to Texas was a mistake. For the remainder of
my hospitalization, I pretended to believe whatever Dr. X said so that
I could leave as soon as possible.

After my discharge, I ceased all contact with the psychiatrist. After
working so hard for years to accept and blend with my alter-states,
I had-at his advice-rejected and accused them of being deceitful
demons ! And by rejecting and harshly judging them, I'd really rejected

Traumatic Memories


my own self-thereby increasing my amnesia and personality
fragmentation! I decided that would never happen again.

Exploring the Dark Side

Because I've had many struggles about accepting the misnomered
"evil" or "demonic" side of my personality, I understand why some
severely dissociated survivors don't want to believe that their seemingly
malevolent or "dark" alter-states are not split-off parts of their original
whole personalities.

Acceptance of our fully human "dark side" requires great courage and a
willingness to self-forgive. 8 Too many of our religious leaders have
difficulty accepting the primal and wounded parts of their own humanity,
which is why they often use excessive religion to avoid knowing
themselves. Some of them treat their past selves as something that can be
cut off or discarded, instead of being forgiven and embraced as part of
the whole. If they're afraid to accept all of their own humanity, is it any
wonder that some of them try their best to discourage us from accepting all
of our selves?

I did things during ops that were absolutely bestial. I believe this
is why I'd tried so hard to be spiritual and holy, before the memories
came. My personality was polarized between overly "good" and overly
"bad," keeping me from being able to blend and integrate into one
entity. 9

Before I started working with Therese, I'd had a hard time forgiving
myself for what my assassin programmed parts had done. With her
skilled help and support, I learned that I was no exception to the rule: any
reasonably intelligent person can be brutally manipulated and conned
into committing crimes against their conscious will-especially if the
conditioning and torture begin in early childhood.

It was time for me to grieve the knowledge that I had experienced a
soul- shattering crossover from rational humanity to primal brutality that,
if I were God, no person would experience.

One of my difficulties in forgiving myself was that I was a female
living in the Southeast. One of our Southern society's moral codes is that
females are supposed to be gentle, passive caregivers. When assaulted,
they are supposed to stay victims. They are not supposed to be physically



aggressive, and they are expected to cry instead of expressing anger. I'd
broken all of these rules to the nth degree.

During this crucial phase of my recovery, my depression and alien-
ation from humanity were especially dangerous. So many times, I had to
go to extraordinary measures to survive one more day, one more night.
Part of my survival kit was information. The more I learned about what
humans are capable of under extreme pressure and duress, the more I was
able to accept my faults and limitations as well as the primal side of my
human personality.

Lieutenant Colonel David Grossman wrote a ground-breaking book
that examines the motivations and effects of killing others. Although the
study was based mostly on his findings within the military, I could relate
to much of what he wrote. His book, On Killing: The Psychological Cost
of Learning to Kill in War and Society helped me to make great strides
in understanding and accepting my "dark" side.

Grossman explained that the primal parts of the human brain that take
over during danger do not need to function during safe times. This
explains why my black op parts were so feral, a state in which I didn't
find myself at any other time. I learned that my black op alter-states
couldn't have rationalized and thought about the consequences of
their actions (even if they'd had access to my store of knowledge)
because they'd been in danger, and therefore had tunnel vision and
tunnel thinking. All they'd been able to think about was carrying out their
orders and surviving-one more time.

When my more empathic parts had first learned about the assassinations,
they'd felt powerful remorse, regret, and guilt. They'd also felt anger and
hatred towards the black op parts for not having cared about the targeted
victims. Grossman's book helped bridge the schism between these two
polarized sets of alter-states. Gradually, they met in the middle and began
to blend.

Would I attack someone now, if provoked? Only if absolutely necessary.
Although my "kill or be killed" primal reflex will always be in the
background, I've developed other responses that are more helpful in
stressful situations.

With emerging rage comes strong physical energy. During the early
part of my recovery, I occasionally needed physical outlets to safely exert
my volcanic energy in ways that would harm no one. This was the rage
that had deliberately been reinforced and compartmentalized in my mind

Traumatic Memories


for decades, to be triggered and used by handlers to hurt and kill others.
I had to learn new ways to express that energy. Although many abuse
survivors turn their anger onto themselves by self-harming, I was condi-
tioned to express it outwardly-albeit in controlled settings.

If I feel angry now, I might physically remove myself from the
situation until I can think and respond calmly. I might call a support
person to help me think things through. And instead of freezing, trancing,
and obeying when approached by former handlers, I can now enlist help
from others, or walk away and laugh, knowing that the handlers are still
trapped and I am free.

In earlier stages of my recovery, I expressed my anger in many
unmailed letters to perpetrators and complicit family members. The rage
and pain were so intense, my clothes were often soaked with sweat by
the time I'd finished writing.

I expressed some of my rage's immense physical energy by walking
fast on my treadmill or by visualizing faces on a punching bag and slam-
ming it. When I grew exhausted, I knew that particular "pocket" of rage
had been sufficiently expelled.

If I felt fury, which was stronger than rage, I used a sledgehammer to
break old slabs of concrete, or a pickaxe to remove rocks and thick roots
from the ground in my garden, imagining the roots to be rapists' penises.
(That was highly satisfying.)

In the house, I used a wooden dowel or a plastic bat to hit a mattress
while I screamed at visualized perpetrators. (I wore a pair of sports
gloves to avoid blisters.)

For a period of several days, one child alter-state that had been condi-
tioned to kill had so much fury at anything living and breathing-including
me-I nearly didn't survive. She wanted to pull up and destroy every plant
on our property. She wanted to go to a mall and kill many people, indis-
criminately. She wanted to drive my car at a high speed into an oncoming
cement or dump truck.

Her unique solution was to find dead animals on the road and drive
over the carcasses, back up, and drive over them again. This sounds
extreme, but her rage was so extreme that nothing else worked. After
about two days, the need to harm others was gone, and she never had to
run over carcasses again.

So much rage emerged during my first decade of memory recovery,
I felt like a walking volcano. That terrified me, because I didn't want to



hurt innocents! I gradually realized that, regardless of my emotional
state, I'd always worked hard not to hurt others-when I had a choice.
When the rage had surfaced in my "regular" life, I'd chosen to isolate,
power walk, or turn the rage into tears to protect those around me.

My support network has helped me to understand that I was not and
am not a perpetrator, because perpetrators commit crimes by choice.
I was a good person who was repeatedly forced into the most awful
situations. I did what was necessary to survive and remain sane.

Working with my rage-filled parts, I also learned that no matter how
much anger they had, they would never take it out on anyone who gave
them caring and kindness. Perhaps this is because they had become rage-
ful through torture and abuse, and therefore were starved for positive

Therese encouraged me to take the acceptance of my primal side one
step further. She explained that I needed to honor the parts of my human-
ity that had preserved my life. That concept was uncomfortable at
first-how could I honor parts that had killed other humans? As I came to
understand that the victims would have been killed regardless, and that
I was a human tool and not a murderer, I allowed myself the right to feel
gratitude for having survived.


As memories continued to emerge, I scanned books at a local library
for information that might verify some of them. Because my covert expe-
riences had been so unusual, however, I had little luck. I was still careful
to follow advice from a male staff member at Bethesda PsycHealth:
I avoided reading books by survivors who claimed to have similar
histories. When using reference books, I only looked at pages that con-
tained specific information about names and organizations that I'd
already remembered and journaled. I decided I'd rather not have enough
information to verify a memory, than to subconsciously take in informa-
tion from written materiel that could taint my memories.

Accepting my memories and making peace with them was hard work.
The attached emotions were especially difficult to process, because they
were new and unfamiliar. I needed time to learn how to feel and express
them without being overwhelmed. Even joy was difficult to feel.

Traumatic Memories


Although I processed some of my emerging memories with Therese,
I worked through most of them at home by myself. So much information
emerged after three decades of repression, no therapist could have
possibly helped me to process it all.


One of the ways I've been able to accept my memories is by recognizing
that many of my irrational behaviors and phobias had actually originated
from traumas I'd been blocking out. After I'd worked through the traumatic
materials and integrated them as part of my conscious past, the resulting
phobias usually faded away.

In May of 1994, a private consultant asked me to list my phobias. In
one day, I listed 176. Since I've worked through almost all of their under-
lying traumas, nearly all of the phobias have dissipated. Having cogni-
tive awareness of the underlying causes of those fears helped me to
lessen their power over my mind and life. For example:

Before recovery, if the tiniest bit of a male dog's pink penis poked out,
I couldn't stand for it to come anywhere near me. 10 Then I remembered
the bestiality porn and worked through how it had affected me. After that,
I adopted a male dog. The phobia is gone. I've emotionally bonded with
him and don't see him as a sexual threat.

I felt nauseous if I was given any meat that was touched by sweet
sauce-this phobia came from having been forced to suck on Dad's penis
after he'd put honey or maple syrup on it. Since I have remembered and
worked through the traumatic memories of having gagged and feared I'd
die from suffocation, I can now eat meats with sweet sauces without

For decades, I was obsessed with looking for every stray hair in my
bathroom - on the floor, in the tub, or wherever-and placing it in the trash
receptacle. I "had to" brush off our bed every morning so not a single hair
would be on it when I went to bed again. I couldn't stand to eat any food in
which I'd found a hair. This phobia resulted from Dad's forcing me to eat
victims' hair that he'd cut into bite-sized pieces with scissors. I'll admit that
I'm still working on this phobia-but at least I know what it's about.

For decades, another phobia was about being in a room with a gun.
This fear had developed, in part, because my mental programmers had



implanted hypnotic suggestions to ensure that I would never allow a gun in
my home, and would only handle one when professional handlers and train-
ers had direct control of me. I suspect they did this to keep me from acci-
dentally reliving a training session or op at home and shooting someone.

After I remembered the black ops, the phobia was replaced by a new
obsession: several of my alter-states had to have a "baby blue Beretta."
They stated this was one of the guns that I'd used on ops. When Bill
asked why I'd used such a small-caliber handgun, those parts explained
that because they'd been conditioned to have excellent aim, the caliber
hadn't mattered much. And of course, such a small gun is much easier to
hide from human targets-until it's too late.

One day, I decided to face my fear by purchasing a small Beretta. I was
so relieved when no one came to our home to arrest me for buying it! The
first time I went to a local underground shooting range for target prac-
tice, I let several op-trained parts come out. Although their aim was still
surprisingly accurate, they were uncomfortable because Bill insisted they
hold it with both hands. Later, they explained to him that professional
trainers had taught them to hold the handgun in just the right hand, so
they could always keep the left hand free to self-defend and attack in
other ways. (I probably couldn't have done this with larger handguns.)

At home, I practiced holding the Beretta in just my right hand. On a
primal level, it was a completely natural sensation. I recalled what some
of the spook trainers had told me about "my" gun: that it was my "baby,"
the most important thing in my universe. As I continued to use and feel
the Beretta at the shooting range and at home, I realized another reason
for my phobia towards guns was that I feared they would trigger visual
flashbacks of the gory results of some of the black ops. Fortunately, that
has not happened.

Whenever I feel a new fear that is irrational, I remind myself that this
is probably a signal that another memory is emerging. This knowledge,
paired with positive self-talk and relaxation techniques, keeps the fear
from taking over.


1. One of the FMSF's claims is that mental health professionals should discourage
their clients from accept emerging memories without proof of their veracity.
I believe this irrational demand is a violation of survivors' basic rights. Why?

Traumatic Memories


• Most repressed memories are of traumas that were perpetrated against the
victims, in secret, by adults who had a clear and vested interest in hiding all
evidence (to avoid societal disapproval, prison sentences, and more). Therefore,
verifications are often unavailable to the recovering victims.

• If therapists tell clients they shouldn't accept their emerging memories without
external proofs, the clients will not feel safe in baring their souls to the
therapists. Perhaps this is what the FMSF wants-if we cannot talk to mental
health professionals about what was done to us, we are effectively silenced.

• If trauma survivors are not supported in accepting their memories, this can
reinforce their amnesia and dissociation, thereby keeping them vulnerable to
certain types of predators.

• If the FMSF is successful within the legal system in forcing mental health
professionals to discourage clients from accepting memories that the clients
cannot initially prove, thereby silencing the clients during therapy, the FMSF
will have effectively sabotaged clients' right to free speech!

2. Rick Stahlhut, M.D., M.S. is the originator.

3. A decade later, I remembered enough to know that the convulsions had been my
body's way of reliving memories of forced electro-shock applications that I had
endured as an adult, along with being forcibly drugged, in a government-run repro-
gramming ward in a psychiatric hospital not far from Atlanta. I believe this was
intended to erase my memories of the most recent black op. In Bluebird, Dr. Colin
Ross cited information from a CIA ARTICHOKE (pre-MKULTRA) document that
may explain why ECT (electroconvulsive "therapy") can be used to create amne-
sia in victims of mind control:

The use of electric shock to the brain for the creation of amnesia, and
amplification of the amnesia with hypnosis were discussed by the
author of an ARTICHOKE document dated 3 December 1951:

. . . One setting of this machine produced the normal
electric-shock treatment (including convulsion) with
amnesia after a number of treatments . . .[the experi-
menter] felt he could guarantee amnesia for certain
periods of time and particularly he could guarantee
amnesia for any knowledge of use of the convulsive shock.
(pg- 43)

4. Truddi Chase was one of the first severely dissociated trauma survivors to have
their autobiography published. It helped an untold number of trauma survivors with
MPD/DID to understand dissociation and the recovery process.

5. Although Bill's spook alter-states did share limited information about some
military and/or covert ops with his therapist, they refused to divulge any details that
would violate whatever oaths they or Bill had made during his 30-year career in the
Army. I was equally careful not to share specific details of covert ops with any of



my therapists-not because I was worried about violating oaths (I'd taken none by
choice), but because I didn't want to endanger them by telling them too much-my
handlers had repeatedly told me that if I shared the memories with anyone, that
person would be killed.

6. Because we had the potential to contaminate each other's emerging memories,
I didn't discuss my op memories with Bill, other than a few specific details that
I needed to verify (for example, the names of certain weaponry). I also insisted that
he not tell me his op memories. Instead, we relied heavily on our therapists for
primary support. They, in turn, didn't share our memories with each other. After
about six years, Bill and I realized that our training and experiences, in general,
were markedly different. After that, we occasionally shared op memories with each
other-but only after we'd independently journaled and processed them.

7. Mom was aware that my mind had been so badly shattered by Dad and others
that I had many hundreds of alter-states and personality fragments. This was delib-
erate on their part; Dad constantly told me he wanted to see how much of my brain
he could activate and use, one piece at a time. Dad was careful, however, not to let
Mom know my programming. I've met other mind-control survivors who were
encouraged by perpetrators (as Mom encouraged me) to constantly assemble jig-
saw puzzles. Doing that reinforced our false, implanted belief that we were in so
many pieces that we would never fully come together. Dr. Colin Ross described
polyfragmentation in The Osiris Complex:

It is impossible to have hundreds of fully formed personality states in
one person because there isn't enough lifespace in one lifetime. In a
polyfragmented patient, there will usually be a relatively small number
of more fully formed personality states that have been responsible for
the bulk of the person's experience. Often the personality fragments
will hold a single memory or feeling, and many may never take exec-
utive control of the body . . . [the process of creating fragments] seems
more like a memory-filing device in which memories are broken down
into small pieces and stored under filing labels consisting of names and
ages. (pg. 55)

8. Dr. Ross described one of the biggest problems that trauma survivors encounter
when they choose to believe that their alter-states and personality fragments are
negative spirit entities: "Defining demonic alter personalities as actual demons
reinforces the dissociation, and perpetuates the problem, even if the alters are
temporarily suppressed by an exorcism." (Osiris pg. 131)

9. I believe this is one reason why so many religious leaders have gotten into serious
trouble. What happened to Jimmy Swaggart, a Pentecostal evangelist, was a good
example. (More than once, he was caught interacting with prostitutes.) Some reli-
gious leaders try too hard to be holy and perfect in public. Secretly, they may feel
fake and ashamed. To compensate for their excessive morality (as Bill Bennett did

Traumatic Memories


by gambling), they may unconsciously allow their misnomered "dark side" to
emerge and have control for a while, in an attempt to bring a temporary balance
between the two poles of their personality.

10. Sometimes, as I remembered the bestiality, I felt angry at certain types of animals.
When I did, I reminded myself, as many times as needed, that the animals had been
trained and conditioned to do what was unnatural to them, as had I. They were not
responsible for what they had done to me-their human trainers were.



Some of my emerging memories were so painful, I continued to push
them away-including my memories of what I'd been forced to witness
when Dad died.

After his funeral in 1990, I'd grown comfortable with the idea that
he'd committed suicide. It made sense to me for two main reasons: first,
two months earlier, he'd deeply cut his wrists, necessitating treatment in
a psychiatric hospital. Second, his body had been found the same way his
father's had-in his car, with carbon monoxide poisoning documented as
the cause of death.

Several years after his death, two male relatives sent me letters in
which they accused me of having killed Dad. Each man insinuated that
because I'd gone to the authorities about Dad, he'd suicided. By the time
I'd received their letters, however, I'd healed enough to know that he
alone had been responsible for his suicide. And his being arrested for
child molestation had equally been his fault ... if he hadn't sexually
assaulted me and other children, he wouldn't have been arrested!

Although I felt sad to have lost him prematurely, I also felt peace in
knowing I had done all that I could while he was alive. I hadn't stopped
loving him in a pure way, despite what he'd tried to do to distort that love.
I had confronted him in several letters while reminding him that I still
loved him. Because I had no regrets, I was able to grieve in a healthy way.

My peace was shattered in late 1992 when a new series of alter-states
emerged. Each part gave me new pieces of memory about his death. At first
I was shocked by what they told me. As the shock wore off, I was pum-
meled by waves of terror, guilt, grief, and rage. I expressed the emotions
at home and in therapy. I realized that I'd pushed the memories com-
pletely away because I was severely traumatized by what I'd witnessed
the night of Dad's death. On a scale of one to ten, based on all the
traumas I'd ever experienced, his demise was definitely a ten.

With each revelation from these alter-states, I was more certain that
Dad had been murdered.




In November of 1992, a sociopathic, op-trained alter-state emerged
that had been conscious that night. She journaled:

/ was with some adults at night. I had been given folded-up
clothes that I was supposed to wear. They really upset me.
There was a thick, black spandex, short-sleeved leotard with a
sad-looking hound-dog applique on front. It had a nasty
saying about "Joe 's Bar and Grill. " And then there was a
blue, short-type spandex outfit that went over it with straps. It
looked awful on me! It made me look like a lady mud wrestler
or something!

An older man was present. He was balding with curly, thinning,
gray hair. We were using his facilities to change clothes. I had
to pee, bad! We were in a hurry and the guy who was letting us
use his place seemed really nervous. He had several bathroom
stalls in a row that we were using to change in. Not very
impressive looking. The doors and walls of the stalls seemed to
be made of plywood.

I was making everybody late by going back one more time to
pee. The man was even more nervous, now. I was told that we
were going to do a "hit job. " I felt really offended and embar-
rassed that they had picked out this particular outfit for me to
wear, but I also accepted the fact that if anyone tried to
describe me, it would be the outfit they'd remember most,
instead of my physical description.

I remember too, that there was a plump-faced lady in one of the
stalls to my left. Her hair was curly, black, and short. She was
begging everybody not to flush the toilets, because if we do,
then her toilet will start to overflow while she 's still in there,
changing her clothes. The plumbing was really screwed-up.

Later that day, the alter-state recalled more: She'd been transported in
a van to Dad's apartment complex and had seen him being assaulted in
his rented garage while sitting inside his Pontiac Gran Prix. She didn't
write that part of the memory because she knew I wasn't ready to know



about it. It stayed hidden with her until January of 1993 when the mem-
ory tried to break through again, this time in a vivid dream:

It was the night Dad died. In the dream, I finally got up the nerve to
go to his apartment, to see what it looked like. I had no conscious
memory of ever going to that apartment. Yet, in the dream I had alters
that swore they had watched Dad die in his rented garage, and that they
had obeyed orders to clean out his apartment of all incriminating
evidence connecting him to the Aryan cult network and the CIA.

Though I noted the dream in my journal, I blocked it out of my mind
again. I wasn't ready to consider its significance.

Memories of Dad's Murder

Several days later, I got up the nerve to call my stepmother. When she
answered the phone, I told her I'd recently remembered details that made
me think Dad's death might not have been a suicide.

I'd been afraid to tell her, partly because I feared she would blame me
for his death (she didn't) and partly because I didn't want to cause her
more pain. Like me, she had begun to heal. I didn't want to cause her to
feel the same raw grief I was experiencing. And yet, when she insisted
that I tell her what I remembered, I felt obligated to do so. After all, she
was an adult and his widow; she had a right to know.

When I told her what I'd remembered, I feared she would think I was
making it up. Instead, she indicated that murder was a possibility. She
said she had a copy of the coroner's autopsy report, and asked me if
I wanted to know what was in it. I declined, explaining that if I'd really
witnessed what had been done to him, I needed to ensure that the rest of
the memory, when it emerged, would be uncontaminated.

The next day, more pieces of memory emerged, starting with emotions
I'd still been suppressing. I journaled:

/ am in bad shape today. Not suicidal — everything but. Major
depression. Want to cry, but can't. Feel frantic inside, like I want
to scream and scream, deeply. Primal emotions. Raw pain, anger,
grief. Can 't eat worth a flip, again. My stepmother called yester-
day to talk some more about what I had told her about my
fathers "suicide" actually being a snuff job. She said that the



Sunday night before Dad died, he went out of his way, during a
quick visit to her and the kids after church, to hug and kiss each
of his children and say goodbye. She had wondered why he said
goodbye. He'd handed her the support check, which was also
unusual for him. She also told me that three coils of rope had
been found in the trunk of the car in which he was found dead,
and the coroners showed her pictures of his body, with blood run-
ning out of his mouth. Also, she thinks it is very strange that they
decided not to do any tests on his blood samples.

Suddenly, I found myself co-conscious with an alter-state that had
compartmentalized another piece of memory. As that part emerged,
I fully relived the memory-visual, audible, tactile, everything. Devastating.
As I journaled, its impact hit me like a hard punch in my stomach.

The night of my father's death, his spook associates had told
him, in front of me, that he was being taken underground, to
live somewhere else with a brand-new identity. That's why Dad
was sitting in the front passenger seat of his car inside the
small garage when I saw one of the goons, a professional
assassin I knew as "Fred, " put his arm around Dad's neck to
kill him (I thought) from the back seat of the car. This is also
why he didn 't struggle or fight as we went into his rented
garage. He honestly thought he was home, free! 1

I was puzzled by what I wrote. My stepmother had told me that the
coroners had found his body on the back seat of his Gran Prix. But I had
watched the man's arm go around his throat as he sat on the front seat.

Another puzzle: my stepmother had asked me why I thought his killers
had wanted me there at all. When she'd asked, I hadn't been able to
answer. When they had taken me to his garage, I'd believed they were
probably going to interrogate him and maybe search his apartment, but
I hadn't been prepared for seeing them kill him. Then I realized that I'd
been forced to watch, to frighten me into silence. And more.

As I sat on my bed, pondering these new revelations, the same adult
alter-state 2 wrote a scalding critique:

These assholes knew my psychological profile. They knew
that I tended to blame myself, personally, any time someone



died in a room with me, even if I had nothing to do with it.
That, plus being a witness of [an execution] was meant
to blackmail/frighten me into silence. After all, if they could
do it to him, it only was a logical conclusion that they could
do it to me next, if I didn 't cooperate and keep my mouth
shut . . . It worked very nicely (for them), at least until

After the shock started to wear off, I felt sheer terror. I couldn't
stop shaking and crying. If I'd been a witness, then I was an active
liability to the killer and his accomplices because I could still identify
them! All the fear I'd felt towards Dad, I now felt towards those
men because they'd proven they were stronger and more powerful
than he.

Several months later, my stepmother and I visited the Senior Forensic
Investigator at the Office of the Medical Examiner in Decatur, Georgia.
He had performed Dad's autopsy. I agreed to let him tape-record
my statement about what I'd remembered. I wish now that I had made a
second tape for myself because I remember very little of what I told him.
I do remember that he offered to show me Dad's autopsy report, and
that I declined. And I remember he did say, after I told him I remembered
"Fred's" arm around Dad's neck, that no bones had been broken-
therefore, that hadn't been the cause of death.

After I returned home that day, I wondered: although it would be nice
to document what had been done to Dad, would taking further action
help or hurt me? After talking to several people in my support network,
I came to the conclusion that I'd be hurting myself if I pursued it further.
I'd done my duty as a citizen by telling them what I'd remembered. I
needed to leave it at that.

I wrote a five -page letter to the investigator, explaining that I was not
willing to share more memories if they emerged, and was not willing to
testify if Dad's connections to the CIA could be proven.

My stepmother had been concerned that the investigators might think
I'd made up the story so she could get additional life insurance payments
for my father's death (she didn't). In the letter to the examiner, I explained
that I hadn't known about that possibility until after I'd told her what I'd
remembered. I ended the letter: "Dad is dead. He can't be brought back.
We who survived need to go on living."



"You Killed Your Dad"

Over the years, I recovered more bits and pieces of memories of Dad's
murder. I recalled that one of the killers had led me across the dark park-
ing lot into my father's apartment. Because I'd seen Dad's coded files
before, and knew what was in them, I was now told to look through the
metal file cabinet in which Dad had kept them. I was to pick out any that
could connect Dad to the Aryan cult or to the CIA. 3 A slim woman stood
to my left, watching me closely. She was maybe 57" with short curly
brown hair. She was very agile and emotionally cold. Her light complex-
ion was pitted; she had brown doe eyes. I would have guessed her to be
about 35.

In another fragmented memory, Fred had driven me away from Dad's
apartment in a black, compact car. I don't know where we went or how
long he drove, but I do remember that we arrived at a one- story ware-
house. Fred ordered me into the warehouse and handed me a black hand-
gun. He told me to shoot a black paper silhouette of a man, hanging on
a wire about halfway between us and the far wall. My training kicked in;
I shot through where the heart would have been.

Fred leaned over my shoulder and spoke in a lowered voice, "You just
killed your dad." Immediately, all of the guilt I'd felt for not saving Dad,
for not even trying, slammed and immobilized me, sealing the memories
of that night behind a desperately self-protective amnesia. 4

Was He Moved?

In January 1995, Emily saw her first autopsy during training at the
Georgia Bureau of Investigation. The case she saw had resulted from
carbon monoxide poisoning. When she questioned the medical techni-
cian about how the circumstances of my father's demise compared with
this case, he explained that bodies with carbon monoxide poisoning do
not get red like Dad's did. He said that the red on the front of Dad's body
would have resulted from his having lain, face-down, on a surface for
more than four hours. He explained that the reddish discoloration came
from blood that had pooled and settled in that part of his body after his
circulation had stopped.



This was odd because Dad was six feet tall and his body was too
long for him to have comfortably lain face-down on his car's back seat.
I wondered-was Dad's body moved after he died? Was it possible
that when the man put his arm around Dad's neck, he hadn't actually
killed him?

Later, I discussed this with my husband, who had special forces
training, and also with a trained wrestler. Both men explained that
the arm lock around the front of my father's neck would have temporarily
cut off the blood to his brain-rendering him unconscious but not
necessarily dead.

This confirmed what the forensic investigator had told me, and meant
that more had been done to Dad than I could remember. It couldn't have
been that they'd left him in the car, because he wouldn't have stayed
unconscious long enough to die from the carbon monoxide poisoning-at
least, not from the arm lock alone.

As hard as I tried, I couldn't remember what had happened after I'd
shot at the silhouette in the warehouse. That worried me.

Multiple Emotions

In March of 1996, as I sat on our carpeted bedroom floor, I went back
into the memory of losing Dad, and recovered more of my shattered
emotions. Like a very little girl, I wailed and wept and rocked myself.
My journal captured the turmoil.

Daddy! It wasn't supposed to happen this way! It's wrong! It's wrong!
It just so wrong!

A teenaged part wrote: What does it matter? What does anything
matter, anymore? Dad is dead. I was supposed to die with him. His
secret-keeper was supposed to die with him. It is understood.

So now I'm reeling. Oh no. Oh no. This is real.

Why, Daddy? Why?

I'm not Dad. It's not my place to protect him. He made his choices.
I'm not Dad. Whatever his decisions, it was his choice, not mine.

Then an "angel" alter-state wrote: Poor little boy Dad. They killed you.
But did they really? Can your hidden goodness ever be killed?

I never felt so murderous in my entire life as I did at Dad's attacker
when that man put his arm around your neck.

And yet survival took over. Crawl. Obey. Stifle the screams with
whimpers. 5 Pray-oh how I prayed-to God, to them-that they wouldn't



finish me off too ! Who wants to die when there is so much creativity and
love yet to be expressed? Oh please don't kill me! Please don't end who
I am! It's not time yet!

So then, just then, I began to betray you, little boy. By putting myself,
my life, first. As I watched them, I felt so guilty. I still feel guilty, putting
myself first.


In the summer of 1997 at a local college, I took a self-defense course
taught by a police trainer who was also a judo expert. Tall and strong, he
patiently taught us basic moves to thwart attackers.

To my chagrin, I realized I didn't know how to defend myself against
attackers without automatically planning to kill them! I was excited as I
realized that now I could learn how to disable attackers without causing
serious damage.

A difficulty arose when he told one of the women to sit in a chair in
the recreation room, then stood behind her and put his arm around her
neck. As he put the choke-hold on her, I had difficulty hearing and came
very close to a full faint.

Pulling myself back into consciousness, I realized I was still deeply
traumatized from having seen Fred do it to Dad, and was terrified that
someone might do it to me! To get past the fear, I asked the instructor to
teach me how to break that hold. He did.

I would have earned an A' in the self-defense class, but our final test
was to encounter our fully padded, helmeted instructor in an unexpected
location, and then defend ourselves when he attacked us. Fearing that an
op-trained alter- state might be triggered out and get me into serious
trouble, I skipped that test and settled for a high 'B.'

Suicide by Lifestyle

In March of 2002, 1 finally remembered that after Fred had taken me
to the warehouse to shoot Dad's silhouette, Dad's unconscious body had
been carried in, accompanied by several of his associates whom I knew
very well. After that, they'd forced me to watch as one, a professional
assassin, had killed Dad, leaving a tiny mark in a place no one would
have thought to look.



Shaken, I pondered the significance of this new memory. What should
I do now? Should I report what I saw? Wouldn't that put me in direct
danger? And how could I prove what I saw, now that his body was gone?
What good would it do to risk my life to tell what happened to a man who
was already dead? It was time to let the guilt and pain of my lack of inter-
vention go. I'm still certain that was the right decision to make-what's
done is done; I need to go on living.

After that, I felt new grief over the loss of the Dad-I-could-have-had.
I realized when the real Dad had been murdered, my fantasy Dad had
also died. This grief was even worse!

Several days later, Bill and I went to a movie. After it ended, we
watched a father and his teenaged daughter stroll up the carpeted aisle in
front of us. I felt a sharp pain in the middle of my chest and fought back
stinging tears. Later that night as I sat in bed next to Bill, I journaled:

They had their arms around each other, then let go and walked
and talked. They looked completely relaxed and seemed to
truly enjoy being together. I was almost physically paralyzed.
For a few seconds, I was barely able to take another step.

That was what I had wanted from Dad all along. Not sex. Real
love! But to Dad, love meant nothing more than sex. So he
never loved me as a father should love his child.

From infancy, the man had me addicted to orgasms and his
touch and smell, like an animal. He conditioned me to be
addicted to what I didn 't want, and meanwhile, what I needed
the most, he never gave me.

He robbed me of my dignity and my innocence. He made me
feel filthy, no good, dirty, shameful, undeserving of human
kindness. He made me feel "different" from the rest of the
world. When I was with him, I was not myself.

Every time Dad dragged me into the sea of shame, I found my
way back to the safe dock of hope, based on the human hunger
for a father's love, that love-that-could-still-be.



And I waited there. For so many years, I waited, with my back
turned to Dad's stinking sea, watching loving fathers with their
emotionally fulfilled daughters. I kept waiting for my prince,
the "Good Dad, " to finally come and truly love me and cherish
me, protect me and take me away from this horrid, stinking,
shameful place. But he never came.

And when his body was murdered and his soul left our
world, still I stood on that dock, looking at the land of love
and hope, ever scanning the horizon for the Good Dad, the
Loving Dad. And he never came. And he will never come.

In all truth, no one could ever be the "Good Dad" to me. My
father cheated me. And then he robbed my soul. But I have my
soul back now. And he 's the loser. He 's the sick one, not me . . .
He was the only one who had the power to take my hope away.
Now Dad is dead.

So now I'm no longer waiting forlornly at the dock for the
Good Dad who won 't be coming. I'm headed back into the city
of life and love, where I can re-light my little flame of hope and
make sure it doesn 't flicker out.

Not long after I'd finally accepted Dad's manner of death, a psychol-
ogist familiar with the criminal underworld told me that, regardless of
the physical cause of death, Dad had ultimately died of "suicide by
lifestyle." This wise man's observation gave me a new perspective that
helped me let go of the guilt I'd felt because I'd been unable to save Dad
in the end.


1. After much soul-searching, I have decided that-as a witness to Dad's murder, my
first moral responsibility is to protect myself and the lives of my loved ones. For this
reason, I must limit what I write about it. Some secrets will probably die with me
because for people like me, the witness protection program is not a viable option.

2. I had many alleged CIA-programmed, CIA-loyal alter-states. For years, some
had secretly viewed my world through my eyes and learned what I knew while



continuing to hide their existence from me. Out of all my alter-states, these were
least comfortable about sharing information with me. They feared that once I knew
they existed, I would merge with them and then they wouldn't be able to go back
anymore to the spook handlers who had claimed to work for the CIA's Directorate
of Operations. These parts were emotionally addicted to being with those men.
And yet, as they learned what I did about how cleverly I (and they) had been
manipulated, they began to get angry at the handlers. That was their first step
towards freedom.

3. Although I've retrieved memories of the contents of those sensitive files, I will not
describe them because documentation is no longer available to validate them.
(After Dad's death, his surviving widow-unaware of the value of certain items in
the apartment-took them to the city dump.)

4. Mark L. Howe of the Memorial University of Newfoundland wrote a journal
article, "Individual Differences in Factors That Modulate Storage and Retrieval of
Traumatic Memories." It explains the neurological chemistry behind the mystery
of why some traumatic memories are not forgotten, while others are completely
disconnected from conscious memory. One of his conclusions is that "low and
high levels of stress typically lead to little or no memory for an event (for different
reasons) and moderate levels can lead to enhanced remembering." (pg. 686) My
being forced to witness Dad's murder definitely created a high level of stress.

5. I remembered, and told the medical examiner, that Bill had also been in the garage
that night. When I'd crawled to the closed garage door to where he'd stood, he'd
stood there rigidly. When I first remembered his being there and doing nothing to
comfort or rescue me, I hated him and wanted nothing more to do with him. One
of his ASA associates had a long talk with me after that. The man helped me to
understand that it had been a very dangerous time for both Bill and me. Bill had
been in as much danger as I had, because he was still acting as an ASA mole.
If he'd fought what they were doing to Dad, or had tried to interfere with what they
were doing to my mind, they might have killed us both. For my sake, he had to act
as if he was fully cooperating. Once I understood this, I was able to forgive him.
After all, he had the right to be scared, too. There were three of them and two of
us; and they were all professionally trained assassins. (Bill still has no memory
of these events.)




© Senior Engineer of Material Management, AT4T

o 1945 Shipping Clerk - Hans C. Bick Dye Works

o CIO Steel Worker, Orr t Seabower Boiler Factory

o Four years, u.S.A.r. - Jet ACE Specialist, Flight Engineer

o BS Chemistry, Mathematics, Albright College

o Joined Western Electric in Transistor and Diode Manufacture -
1956. Responsibilities included site plans, plant layouts,
raw materials, stores, shipping, chemical and cryogenic
handling and distribution, cranes, trucks, conveyors, etc.

o 1969 - moved to Atlanta to plan Norcross Cable Plant

O Graduate studies included Mechanical Engineering - Ohio State,
MS in Operations Research - Purdue University

o Past President, International Material Management Society

o Technical Advisor to Chinese Mechanical Engineering Society

o Associate Editor, Co-author of Production Handbook (Wiley - 1987)

o Frequent Lecturer, Author for Material Handling Engineering,
Modern Material Handling, Fortune, Distribution, Manufacturing
Week, etc.


o Hobby

- Archeology, Kingdom of Jordan


Statement Form

Case No.

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Fahrenheit 0


In times of crisis, we have a tendency to Ionian
our belts and hunker down. Or. tn the case of
20th Century Castles, a property consultancy in
liny Dover. Kansas, bunker down might be the
more appropriate phrase. Ed Peden. who
founded the company, specializes In selling do
commissioned missile silos from the Cold War
He bought one In 1983. cleaned out the junk and
eventually rehabbed It Into a 5,000-square-
foot. very high celllnged homo, with 13,000
square feet of secure closet space to boot
Peden has since sold twenty-olght Atlas E. Atlas
r and Titan I missile sites over the years, at least
five of which have been turned into private resi-
dences. He currently represents nine sites



The perfect starter silo to. the nana/ tarn.!/ located
in Crou. Oklahoma, this 1 «enty -two -ace site features
an Atlas F silo, an old-rasl-ioned Ouonset hut. two
ponds and ,ts own rnoh cr-am-ilt* lonce Need! work


Acenual-Kamas nlo home feitut.nii 2 400 * aiMf*
fffpt of underground steel-stud Iujc Jiy. It conwi
equipped with satellite TV, throe baths. •. whirlpool
and a commaiM-no view from a h.lUoc *>rury po< «t
Your molher-in-'aw wtl' love the property's surface
level domed coociete it jdio «


An Atlas E command center, corn,,, .sing 1S.000
snuere foe! of refurbisned living space In If, ¦¦ n ¦ |
Kansas The 4.000-squar«f aol Mia] area learurec a
marble batr.. a domed four-head shower "ocm. a
sauna and a hot tub Twenty-two surrounding ac'tts
dotted with fruit and nut Irees can supplement your
diet of froeM-dtie d food


A lu«uiy S'lo getaway, shown eftoye. bordering scenic
Saranac Lake In New Vork's Adirondack Park A pri-
vate airstrip lead; to a cedar-sided mountain lodge
set stop what Is perhap> the country's most their
oughly overhauled Atlas F site Above* ground s'ts
?.0O0 square feet of tugged luxury Below, the com-
mand center haf been transformed into a two-story
tmi'v-bedroom home with limestone oathroomsllt
Oy fiber optics. The government spent mom than
$14 minion to build It in 1956 you can have it fot

66 0<J DECEMBER 1001








FROM DAD, 1971






BilPs Past

My husband, Bill has a long military history that contributed to his
need to control or be controlled. In 1978, after 30 years in the US Army,
he retired as a Sergeant Major. During his last two years of service, he
was a ROTC instructor at the University of Georgia in Athens. During
previous active duty, he'd served in the 11th Airborne Division, the
Airborne 187th RCT, the 82nd Airborne Division, the 101st Airborne
Division, and the 173rd Airborne Brigade.

A master parachutist, Bill had successfully completed over 300 para-
chute jumps-which, VA doctors later told him, had led to his spinal
deterioration. Beginning in 1991, he had five operations on his spine.

During one of his three tours of duty in South Vietnam, Bill served as
an intelligence analyst and interrogator. 1 He served a total of fifty-one
months of front-line ground combat in Korea and Vietnam. His medals
and commendations include a Purple Heart; Silver Star; four Bronze
Stars (one for valor); three Army Commendation Medals (one for valor);
two Meritorious Service Medals; an Air Medal; and four Army
Commendation Medals (one for valor). 2

As memories of Bill's covert military experiences emerged in therapy
and then at home, I was alarmed by how often he said, "The Army is my
mother and my father." Couldn't he see how he'd been used-putting his
life at risk again and again? Why wasn't he angry? Even though he'd
been retired for more than a decade, his loyalty to the Army was still
strong. I couldn't understand: why wouldn't he accept that that part of his
life was over?

As Bill retrieved more buried memories and emotions, I learned why
he was so dissociated. Not only had he been traumatized in Korea and
Vietnam, and been severely abused by his stepfather for years; he had
also lost most of his family. (Bill is the second youngest out of fifteen
children; as of this book's publication date, only one other remains.)
Perhaps worst of all, his father had died when he was a toddler and then,
after Bill had joined the Army at the still-tender age of fifteen, his




mother-who he says was his "whole world"-had died two years later,
leaving him a homeless orphan still too young to vote.

Because of the terrible cumulative grief of losing so many loved ones,
and the traumas he'd endured at home and during wartime in Korea and
Vietnam, he could only feel and express his emerging emotions a tiny bit
at a time. Like me, he had PTSD and needed to learn constructive ways
to express and control his anger.

I told Therese that sometimes I felt as if an impenetrable steel vault door
was inside Bill's mind. Although I yearned for deeper communication
with my husband, I believed he was incapable of it. I decided to give myself
some time to choose whether or not I would stay in that kind of marriage.
After a couple of months of grieving what could have been between us (had
we not both been so damned wounded), I decided to stay.

Once in a while, I wondered if Bill still had orders from ASA to handle
me. Although I was afraid to talk to him about this-he was so secretive
about his intelligence connections-I needed to know. On two occasions,
once in Atlanta and again in Chattanooga, I talked with Bill about his
ASA connections. He grudgingly allowed me to tape-record each
conversation. One of his ASA alter-states told me that his contacts were
waiting for me to "clear out the cobwebs" in my mind. That alter-state
indicated that he was tired of being used by the ASA. He said he wanted
to retire all the way. I was elated because this meant I could finally help
Bill to free himself from his own handlers.

Using the techniques I'd developed over the years in identifying my
local handlers, I helped Bill to analyze the behaviors of people in his own
life, including some of his relatives who lived in Fayetteville, North
Carolina-most of them had worked for the government, mostly within
the military with at least one (a brother-in-law) within the CIA. 3

Bill's therapist and I worked hard to teach Bill how to set healthy mental
and emotional boundaries with the people in his life. He made a pleasant
new discovery: he has the right to feel anger towards anyone who
disrespects his personal rights and freedoms. That includes me.

One by one, Bill recognized and broke free from his most obvious
handlers. He did this by assessing their odd and controlling behaviors,
triggering phrases, government connections, and lack of emotional
affect. Each time Bill identified one and quietly stopped accepting the
handler's orders, the handler's personality suddenly changed and he or
she expressed an unusual amount of anger and frustration towards Bill.



Then the handler tried-for a while-to regain control. Such behaviors
verified to Bill that these people were controllers and not the friends
they'd claimed to be. 4

To protect us further, I wrote to all the journalists and authors with
whom I had contact, giving them local handlers' names and addresses.
I didn't care if the handlers were from the CIA, the ASA or the Aryan
network. Good guys, bad guys, or both, it didn't matter anymore-no one
had the right to manipulate our minds! 5

As we continued the weeding-out process, I realized why, whenever
I'd come home later than planned, Bill had switched and gone into a dark
mood. Each time, he'd made cruel, unfounded accusations that wounded
me. During one of our "ASA talks," an alter-state emerged and said he'd
feared that while I was away from home, I'd be re-accessed by someone
from the Aryan cult.

Then that part explained why Bill's "William" alter-state refused to
come out and talk to me. William had been forced to watch me having
sex with other men in the cult, even after we'd married. That was J.C.'s
primary method of ensuring that all members' first loyalty remained with
him. William hadn't known that J.C. had triggered out alter-states in me
that hadn't been aware that they were married to William/Bill, and
had therefore felt no obligation to be faithful to him! (Some of them had
even thought they were still married to Albert.)

My heart breaks when I think of what the sight and knowledge did to
William. And yet, he never stopped fighting to free me. Love sometimes
comes at a great price, but I believe it's always worth the experience.

I've learned the hard way that when one marries a severely dissociated
person, one may not marry all of the partner. Some of the partner's
alter-states may not like the idea of being married, and may choose not
to emotionally bond. Some of Bill's alter-states may never choose to
bond with me. For them, the covert world may always be more important
than our marriage. That is another loss I've learned to grieve.

More Verifications

Although there are still times I don't want to believe my memories,
staying in denial isn't a safe option. It can leave me open to being
accessed and traumatized again.



In hospitals and at trauma survivor conferences, I received verifications
from several ritual abuse and government mind-control survivors who
recognized me as a figure from their pasts. Each person provided details
to me about my alter-states and activities that I'd already journaled. In
most cases, I was able to do the same for them-usually with a therapist
present to carefully mediate between us.

A group of recovering survivors from J.C.'s Cobb County Aryan cult
network, some of whom had never repressed their memories, have
helped each other to build mental strength and stay safe. Through third
parties, several of them directly verified numerous memories that I'd
already documented, of specific cult activities and of several of the cult
leaders' activities and personality quirks. Their verifications-sometimes
in the form of documents-helped me to stay out of denial and stay safe.

Every survivor who recognized Bill as a past participant in Aryan meet-
ings and rituals said they'd known him as William. (This was significant
because William isn't part of his legal name, nor did he let people call him
that, away from the gatherings.) They told me things about his William
alter-state that I'd already independently remembered and journaled. They
also identified pictures of several of my complicit relatives, accurately
describing their unique personality quirks and bizarre behaviors.

I received numerous letters and documents that Dad had left behind in
the house he'd shared with his second family. Sorting through them years
after his death, my stepmother sent me anything that might be signifi-
cant. I'm delighted that Dad's handlers hadn't known he'd left those
papers behind. Some of them directly verified my memories. I'm lucky
that way, because most mind-control survivors have no proofs at all. 6

I was given the opportunity to review psychiatric and legal documents
from some of Dad's other victims, with the understanding that what
I learned would only be shared with hand-picked investigators and
authors who I believed would honor their privacy. These verifications
helped me to stay anchored in reality.

Between 1989 and 2002, I consulted with a succession of over
twenty-one mental health professionals on either an in-patient (hospital-
ization) or out-patient (private practice) basis. Extensively tested more
times than I can count, I consistently received the diagnoses of PTSD,
delayed; Multiple Personality Disorder (which later changed to
Dissociative Identity Disorder); and major depression — a partly genetic
condition that is exacerbated by cumulative trauma or stress.



Only one time did I ever exhibit any psychotic features. This occurred
at home. A memory emerged that was so unbearable, I had to escape
from reality until I was able to go through it in the hospital (even then, it
was unbearable). My psychotic belief at home was that it was perfectly
all right to shoot myself in the head as I lay next to Bill, with the intent
of making him feel the pain that a beloved op partner had put me through
when he'd suicided in front of me. That was the extent of my psychosis.

One of the ways I knew I had a dissociative disorder (DID) was that,
before I achieved the bulk of my integration, I could easily do several
mental tasks at once. For instance, at night I would work on a crossword
puzzle or read a book while holding a conversation with Bill and
watching a movie on television. Multi-tasking is fairly easy for most
dissociated trauma survivors. 7

I discovered another proof in several sets of recurring dreams that I'd
never forgotten. Because they'd been powerful and wouldn't go away,
they'd troubled me for decades:

The first set of dreams began when I was very young. In them, I either
rode a horse or straddled a large tree limb, my legs hanging down. As
I rubbed my genitals on the limb or the horse, I had powerful orgasms.
I believe those dreams were an indicator that as a child, I'd been addicted
to orgasms. And I believe the tree limbs and horses represented my dad's
penis. Although many children masturbate, my addiction to orgasms was
abnormal because it was too much a part of my life.

Another dream lasted from childhood well into the 1990s. In it,
I moved up through the air to the ceiling of a room. With my bare hands,
I tore a hole in the wood and insulation, only to find another ceiling
above it. I clawed a hole through that, to find another, and another. Each
time I awoke, I felt hopeless and trapped. The message of this dream was
that, no matter how many times I split off, I still could not escape.

In another kind of recurring dream, I tried to fly into the air by flapping
my arms as wings. Sometimes I tried to fly as I jumped off a high,
elevated place, attempting to soar over trees. In almost all of these dreams
I was pursued by short-haired Caucasian men in dark suits who, running
on the ground, eventually grabbed my feet because I'd lost altitude. Each
time they pulled me down to them, I awoke full of unnamed dread.

In another kind of dream, Mom and Dad took me to a location in the
countryside. Large lots, covered with weeds and grass, were flanked on
one side by a wooded area full of hardwood trees. Each time, I walked



through a patch of meadow with the woods and two white, clapboard
houses to my far left. I always encountered a rectangular "pit" in the
ground in front of me. It was full of water green with algae. Even though
I never saw them, I was terrified of the alligators and snakes that lurked
in the water, waiting to bite me.

Eventually I remembered that the location had been a real place where
Dad had often taken me when I was young. Because the pit was full with
green, murky water, I couldn't see what else was in it. As Dad forced me
into the water each time, the grass and mud around the edges of the man-
made pond made it impossible for me to get out. He said alligators and
snakes lived in it. Terrified with no way out, I switched into a new alter-
state that had no fear of alligators, snakes, or murky water. Noticing my
lack of fear, Dad ordered that part to dive to the bottom and retrieve objects
that he and several neatly groomed men in black suits threw into it.

Another kind of verification I had never forgotten occurred on two
separate occasions. Each time, I responded in an odd way as my body
was accidentally punctured.

The first time, I was walking with other students outside Reiffton
Elementary School in the daytime, shortly before Halloween. As was our
yearly custom, we came to school dressed in our Halloween costumes.
The teachers led our classes in single rows to "parade" through our quiet

This time, a female teacher first made us stand in a line behind a brick
building. I didn't notice that a railroad timber had been placed behind the
brick wall. As I walked, I accidentally swung my foot into it. I was
horrified when I looked down and saw a large splinter sticking out of my
cloth-covered foot.

Paralyzed by the sight, all I could do was stay still as my classmates
continued walking. The teacher finally came to investigate. When she
saw the splinter, she laughed at me for being so upset. Yanking it out, she
told me to hurry up and join the others. Although I did, I still felt so
horrified, I was sick to my stomach.

The second event occurred shortly after I'd "graduated" from our
local drill team. During the previous year, I had appeared at public
gatherings and had marched in a wintertime parade in Reading with the
other baton-twirling girls. This particular day, we were expected to turn
in our uniforms at the nearby high school. Since our house was only
a block away, I decided to walk down the hill to it.



I carried my uniform on a wire hanger, balancing the tip of the hook
on the middle of my upturned palm. Then I tripped on the hem of the
skirt, which pulled the tip of the hook into my fleshy palm. Transfixed
and horrified, again I was unable to speak.

Then I pulled the hanger out, still staring at the hole in my palm. In a
trance state, I carried the garment to the big brick building. A woman sat
in front of a table heaped with uniforms. Speechless, I held my wounded
palm out to her. When the woman laughed, I felt embarrassed.

All through my younger adult years, I had tremendous mood swings.
Although I wanted to believe they were from hormonal fluctuations, they
continued throughout each month. At home and at work, I often cried
heavily for no reason. If I was at work, I usually hid in the bathroom and
wept for about a half hour, then used gobs of cold, wet paper towels to
make the red blotches go away.

Sometimes depression slammed me so hard at home, I could barely
function. At other times, I felt tremendous rage and had to take long
walks to work off the energy. Sometimes emotional pain hit so hard, it
literally paralyzed me. For several years, I was so depressed, I often
walked through cemeteries, wishing I was in the ground with the dead.

For nearly two decades, Mom diverted me from going to professionals
for help by insisting that I had hypoglycemia (low blood sugar). She con-
vinced me that all I needed to do was to read Prevention Magazine
(a natural health publication) and avoid sugar. Because we'd been taught
in The Walk that sugar was poisonous, I believed her. I grew so phobic
towards sugar, I refused to eat anything that had even a trace in it. That
made socializing difficult. When my mood swings didn't lessen in fre-
quency or intensity, Mom insisted I was still eating something with sugar
in it. I believed her and became even more phobic.

Before recovery, I preferred being alone. At work, I walked outside
nearly every day, even during some of our coffee breaks. I couldn't stand to
socialize with other employees unless it was after work, when I could have
a couple of drinks at a nearby restaurant with them. Then it didn't matter.

This started to change when I worked at Cotton States. Several older
women in my department invited me to eat with them each payday at the
next-door Marriott Hotel's fancy restaurant. Whenever I ate with them,
I felt an odd, bittersweet warmth in the center of my torso. I liked that
feeling and wanted more of it. I didn't know that this was the feeling that
came with emotionally connecting with others.



Recently I discovered the underlying cause of an odd behavior I've had
for many years. I began to understand it when I remembered a series of
childhood porn sessions in which Dad took pictures of me "having sex
with" young boys from a YMCA Indian Guides group that he often hosted
at our house in Reiffton. The porn sessions occurred during sleepovers in
our basement. I was made to wear a buckskin Indian girl costume and the
boys wore the same feathered headdresses that they sometimes donned
during regular meetings. While the boys and I sexually interacted, he
made another boy play a set of tom-toms that were also used during their
regular meetings. During this trauma, I focused on the rhythm of the
drumbeat to block out what was being done to us. Since then, whenever
I felt overly stressed, that same rhythm played in my head.

When I was still a victim, because I had PTSD and was often sent on
dangerous ops, I was often ill. Mom usually said I had a "24-hour virus"
and I didn't need to consult with a doctor. Because I believed her,
I always stayed in bed (if I could) until I felt better. Now that I don't do
ops anymore, and I make sure I get enough sleep and keep my stress level
down, I'm rarely ill. 8

According to therapists and other trauma survivors, grinding one's
teeth seems to be a common symptom of PTSD. Since I've started
remembering, I've grinded mine so much, five of my back teeth have
been capped. I especially grind them when I feel stressed. (Because of
decades of forced oral sex, I cannot bear to wear a protective retainer.)

After my recovery started, I often flashbacked while driving. This was
dangerous for me and anyone else on the road. Some emerging memo-
ries were so powerful, I parked on the side of the highway to weep or yell
until the attached emotions ebbed. One day, after an especially intense
therapy session, I left the office and drove on the wrong side of the road.
As I pulled off the road, my heart racing and hands shaking, I thanked
God that no other cars were on the road at that time.

One of my most prevalent fears has been of imminent doom and
death-either mine or a loved one's. This is a common symptom of PTSD
that was powerfully reinforced by the many deaths I witnessed or was
forced to participate in. 9

In the late 1990s, a neuropsychologist gave me a battery of
tests. While reviewing the results with me and my therapist, he told us
the results indicated I had an anxiety disorder "the size of Dallas."
Although I was aware that I had at least several anxiety attacks each day



(heart racing, non-stop fear and thoughts of bad things happening), the
confirmation of my diagnosis depressed me. Was it that noticeable?
Would I be stuck with it the rest of my life? I was so sick and tired of not
being able to handle problems like other people, without overreacting!

It happened again in the summer of 2002 when Bill had a stroke-he
called it an "explosion" in the left side of his brain. When he told
me about the odd sensation, the Cortisol level in my brain spiked and
my body flooded with adrenaline. Wanting him to get help before it
was too late, I drove up to 97 mph down the highway towards the
hospital. 10

The Cortisol didn't lessen when he was in safe hands-that's one of the
reasons why my anxiety disorder can be disabling. For several days, my
body shook and I couldn't stop circular thoughts and fears from flooding
my mind. I was hyper-alert and had difficulty sleeping. The anxiety
seemed to have no end; it only stopped when I realized I needed to take
anti-anxiety medication.

Another verification has been my difficulty in trusting and bonding
with others-a direct result of decades of betrayal trauma. Emotional
bonding is still a new experience, because trust doesn't come easy. 11

Another reason I believe the bulk of my recovered memories were of
real events is that not all of them were of serious traumas. Because I dis-
sociated easily, I also suppressed memories of non-harmful events in
which I'd felt strong fear, confusion, pain, or embarrassment. 12

For instance, I recovered a childhood memory of standing outdoors
one day with several other girls, not realizing that a large beetle had
landed on the front of my blouse. My fear of the creature was enough to
make me repress the entire memory!

I've also recovered a series of memories that I had repressed out of
sheer embarrassment. Each time, I was left alone while my handler was
in the next room, talking in a relaxed way to someone (we were between
ops). Each time, needing to use the bathroom, I was so tranced, I mistook
a chair for a toilet and peed on its seat. Whenever I saw my urine splash
to the floor, I felt ashamed and tried to clean it up before anyone would

One of my most powerful verifications recurred over a two year
period. Whenever I power-walked in a mall near my therapist's office,
and a man or woman walked towards me, one of two types of flashbacks



In the first type of flashback, I "saw" myself running at the person,
grabbing their right wrist and arm with my hands, and then using my
momentum to force the person's arm up and back, until I dislocated the
victim's shoulder. In the other type of flashback, I grabbed an adult
male's chin and hair and used one of several methods to "swivel-snap"
his neck.

The strength I felt in my body and hands during each flashback was
enormous. I knew I could do it right there, in the mall. To keep from
doing it, I used self-talk, reminding myself that although I had the right
and the need to remember, I did not have the right to hurt anyone.

For months, I didn't tell my therapist about these flashbacks.
Ashamed, I believed she would despise me if I told her. How could I have
done such horrible things to people? I felt like a monster! Was there no
hope for me?

When I told her, I instantly became co-conscious with a highly trained
male, black op alter-state. 13 As I took on that part's knowledge and
memories, I learned that he felt irritated whenever he watched police or
spy characters on TV that seemed inept. He had zero patience towards
characters who gave up their guns to assailants to bargain for the lives of
hostages. Each time, not understanding they were just actors, he yelled,
"You never give up your gun! Shoot him!" (To Bill's great irritation, I've
responded the same way ever since I blended with that part.)

I learned that the alter-state had survived similar situations by shooting
hostage-takers, since the hostages' bodies could never fully hide the
captors'. He'd also been trained to "read" opponents' facial expressions,
body twitches, and vocal tones to know whether or not he had time
to shoot first. He wasn't afraid to take a gun away from an opponent.
He said that unless the opponent was also a professional, the opponent
would be surprised and wouldn't think to shoot until it was too late.
So far, this seems to have been my most highly trained black op

Another verification was my occasional changes in handwriting along
with my inability to see the changes. During the first twelve years of
recovery, I felt frustrated because my handwriting didn't seem to change
when different alter-states emerged-I'd read that handwriting changes
were a way to determine if a person was severely dissociated.

In 2001, when I decided to take a year off from school to type all of
my journals-a Herculean task-I was astounded to discover marked



differences between several types of handwriting. I had been so dissociated,
I hadn't been able to see what was literally in front of my eyes!

Recently, I've been able to feel peace and stability. I love it! My mood
swings are nearly gone. I don't have as many crying jags. My old,
pent-up rage has decreased to a manageable level of righteous indigna-
tion and occasional frustration. The emotional pain has also lessened.

I still have days when more unresolved grief emerges. When this
occurs, I give myself permission to have "bummy days" in which I don't
shower or brush my teeth or get dressed. I let myself fully feel my grief,
knowing that this is the only way to really heal. Then I get on with
my life.

These and other experiences have convinced me that I was a trauma
survivor, that I was severely dissociated, and that the majority of my
retrieved memories were of real events.

Reaching Out

In the 1990s, I sent packages of information about my remembered his-
tory to journalists and authors who wrote about ritual abuse, government-
sponsored abuses, and mind control. I wanted more proofs to help me
stay anchored in reality, and I hoped that if I shared information from
my life with these people, they might tell me where I could find further

One of the authors was writing a new book about the connections
between occult ritual abuse and government mind-control programming.
I sent him a packet of information that included copies of my 1991 sys-
tems maps. With my permission, he included some of the information
in his new book. When I reviewed it, I felt frightened: would former
handlers recognize my information and retaliate against me for "talking?"

The more I allowed authors to include my information in their books,
the more I felt afraid. Numerous handlers had previously threatened that
if I "talked," either I or a loved one would be killed. Since they'd used
me and other slaves to kill for them, what would stop them from sending
a slave-operative to do the same to me?

I constantly balanced my need for support and protection against my
need to avoid upsetting former handlers and owners. I never knew
whether I was talking too much or not enough. Although Bill supported



my going public, he didn't understand the fear and anxiety that wracked
my body and mind every single day.


1. In the mid 1990s, I met an alter-state that Bill had unconsciously created in
childhood when he was severely abused by his stepfather. This part of Bill had
compartmentalized his powerful rage towards the man. In Vietnam, as part of the
CIA's Operation Phoenix, this alter-state had been used to transfer that old rage
onto male prisoners via brutal interrogations and torture. Bill was horrified when
he discovered this alter-state, which had tortured men with great zeal.

2. To this day, Bill prefers not to talk about why he received several of the medals.
This is, in part, because he has very little memory of those heroic acts.

3. In the electronic version of his 2002 book, Mindfield, Gordon Thomas stated that
in 1954, the CIA's "field training school" was located in Fayetteville, North
Carolina, (pg. 15) Mindfield explores the issues of biochemical weaponry and
mind-control technology. For more information, you can visit Thomas's website at

4. Incapable of bonding with and trusting others, we'd both developed
pseudo-friendships with our handlers, not understanding that they weren't real

5. When individuals who are inappropriately controlled by family members or part-
ners begin to think for themselves and to break free, the controllers will often
accuse others (such as therapists) in the victims' lives of brainwashing the victims
and turning the victims against them. I believe that such claims indicate the com-
plainants are control addicts and possibly abusers. For whatever bizarre reason,
abusive controllers seem incapable of comprehending that their victims have the
strength, intelligence, and ability to make their own life-decisions.

6. To ensure that I didn't keep any proofs, I was conditioned to occasionally throw
away every item I owned, other than the clothes in my closet. I was programmed
to believe that each time I did this, I was getting rid of demons from my past that
were attached to those personal items. For this reason, I do not have access to my
childhood records. All I have from before my marriage to Bill are photos that
several family members had since given me.

7. "... individuals who are high dissociators have developed ways to cope in life that
allow for their dissociation without apparent problems under many circumstances.
This lack of integration of experiences, memories, and thoughts creates an environ-
ment that requires constant divided attention. Individuals who habitually dissociate



information may come to be best able to function in multi-tasking, divided
attention, divided control structure environments." (Freyd and DePrince, pg. 157)

8. According to the National Institute of Mental Health's website article, "Stress
and the Developing Brain," "Cortisol and other stress hormones . . . temporarily
suppress the immune response." (pg. 1)

9. To learn more about PTSD, you can visit the US Veterans Affairs National Center
for PTSD website at or call their PTSD Information Line at

10. During anxiety attacks, my brain has too much energy and I literally cannot stop
thinking and obsessing about either what had gone wrong or, more likely, what
could go wrong. This is why anti-anxiety medication is helpful for me: it reduces
the level of Cortisol in my brain so that I relax and stop worrying about possibilities
that probably won't ever occur!

Cortisol secretion increases in response to any stress in the body,
whether physical (such as illness, trauma, surgery, or temperature
extremes) or psychological. When Cortisol is secreted, it causes a
breakdown of muscle protein, leading to the release of amino acids . . .
into the bloodstream. These amino acids are then used by the liver to
synthesize glucose . . . [raising] the blood sugar level so the brain will
have more glucose for energy." (Stoppler, pg. 1)

1 1 . Dr. Jennifer J. Freyd's Betrayal Trauma: The Logic of Forgetting Childhood
Abuse, thoroughly addresses this issue. Dr. Freyd is the daughter of Pamela Freyd,
Ph.D., the FMSF's executive director and one of its primary founders.

12. Carla Emery explained the relationship between dissociation, amnesia, and
hypnotic suggestibility: "In dissociation amnesia, you are not told to forget. You
just do. It is a spontaneous, natural result of being in a very deep trance. However,
the deeper you are, the more responsive you are to suggestion." (pg. 229)

13. Co-consciousness between two alter-states can feel like having two heads on one
set of shoulders. This temporary condition can be disorienting and frustrating-not
only for the survivor, but also for others interacting with the survivor. The effects
lessen as the two alter-states fuse into one new, fuller alter-state. Family therapy
can be especially helpful during this phase of recovery.


"Good Guy" Perpetrators

The Luciferian

Part of my preparation to go public was to decide whether or not
I would name some of the men who had owned me and/or had used me to
perform crimes for them. Although several mind-control survivors
(e.g., Cathy O'Brien and Sue Ford A.K.A. Brice Taylor) did this in the
past, I was reluctant to follow their lead for several reasons.

First, I don't know of any well-known figure who doesn't have ardent
fans. Idolatry is part of being human; many people are too willing to buy
into the polished public personas of people who may actually be wicked
in their private lives.

In one radio interview and in subsequent interviews with several
journalists, I did mention two well-known politicians who I believe
had hurt and used me-in controlled alter-states-to perform criminal activ-
ities for them and others. One of them is a former CIA director. Soon after
I went public on the radio program, I was re-traumatized. That experience
forced me to re-think my desire to name perpetrators. I'd named
the men so that, if I or a loved one was harmed, at least some people
would have an idea of who might have been responsible. But after the
assault, I realized I would only be harming myself by continuing to
name them.

Beside the fact that they and each of their criminal associates are
idolized to some degree, they also have an enormous number of influen-
tial contacts — particularly in the media and political arenas — and
are also regularly advised by public relations professionals who teach
them how to look good and be believable as "good guys." 1 How in the
world could I, with my limited resources, convince anyone that these
wealthy, well-connected men had hurt me and used me to perform crimes
for them?

I finally found peace in my belief that regardless of how much they get
away with in this life, they'll have to answer for their choices someday —
in the next life, if not in this one. That keeps me sane and gives me hope
that justice does come around — just not when I'd like it to.




The men I named are only two out of perhaps thousands of mind-control
perpetrators currently operating in the United States. These men and
women comprise an extensive covert population.

I will call one of them, an elder statesman, Lucian. A master hypnotist,
Lucian was a flaming pedophile when I was a child, and probably still is.
When I was a teenager, Dad-in a trade for certain favors-gave Lucian
ownership of several of my alter-states, including one named Sasha.
Lucian was an odd character, in that although he pretends to be a prac-
ticing Jew, he is really a behind-the-scenes Luciferian who doesn't mind
mixing and mingling with staunch Aryans.

Over the years, Lucian taught me his Luciferian beliefs and told me
about his involvement in Lucis Trust, an organization that he said was
based on Luciferianism. He taught me that the sun, which he called Ra,
was their God. 2

He also taught me that Lucifer was the true son of God, and that Jesus
Christ was the usurper. He said that one of the primary goals of Lucis
Trust was to bring Lucifer back into his rightful position before God.

True or not, Lucian told me that Lucis Trust planned to make a man
called "Lord Maitreya" their representative to the world, to attract and
indoctrinate the masses into the Luciferians' planned world religion
(as part of their Aryan-Greco-Roman-Egyptian "New World Order").
Lucian said the Lucis Trust would convince Christians that Maitreya was
the reincarnated Messiah, returned to earth. 3

Lucian taught several of my alter-states that he and his fellow worship-
pers were being kept in spiritual darkness along with Lucifer, who took
on the persona of the dark lord, Satan, when Jesus Christ stole the light
from him. He said that Lucifer was being kept in darkness against
his will by Christians who worshipped Jesus Christ, whom he called
"the liar." He said that Jesus had faked his own death and resurrection to
make him appear to be God's son.

Lucian and his associates said that some day, they will all rise up as
one. By subjugating all Christians, they would free Lucifer from the
darkness and restore him to his rightful position as the true son of God.
Lucian said that then and only then would Ra's worshippers live in the
light forever, favored by Lucifer, eventually also becoming gods.

He explained that some Luciferians had already passed on and became
gods. He called them "Ascended Masters." He convinced me that some
devotees are able to "channel" the Masters in occult rituals. 4

"Good Guy " Perpetrators


Lucian despised Christian politicians, and enjoyed blackmailing
them-sometimes using me and other Beta-programmed slaves to sexually
compromise them. When these Christians fell, he called them hypocrites.
He didn't seem to understand that being a Christian doesn't guarantee
that one will never sin again; it just means that one is expected to do
one's best as a follower of Christ. 5

Over the years, I accompanied Lucian to international Golden Dawn
meetings, where he and other influential men and women-many of them
also members of the Illuminati-participated in rituals in which they
worshipped not only Ra, but also a myriad of other gods and goddesses
that included Diana, Isis, and Gaia, goddess of the earth.

At these meetings they expressed pro-Aryan beliefs, including the
denigration of "inferior" races. And yet, oddly, they occasionally invited
"token" black politicians and their wives to participate in rituals-perhaps
to enlist their support.

Lucian and other Golden Dawn members instilled their belief systems
in a succession of my alter-states that came out only at Golden Dawn
gatherings, including an alter-state named Gaia.

In 1993, 1 learned about a daytime, all-female Golden Dawn ritual that
I'd been taken to as an adult. It was held in Atlanta, Georgia in what
seemed to be a white, chilly greenhouse. Made of stone, it was behind an
imposing mansion. A cult-conditioned child alter-state named Laurie
Ann emerged and wrote about her experience there:

After ritual chanting, I took my seat, cross-legged in the middle
of the sun on the floor. We all just sat and waited. There was a
gold circle around the tips of the sun rays-they called it the
rainbow. Women took turns speaking, positioning themselves
on the circle-some of them started "channeling " and giving
messages of encouragement and power from the gods.

The light in the room got brighter and brighter and we felt it
fall on our faces and skin, like a mist. We all were happy and
we celebrated and felt better. The golden sun mist was like
radioactive energy that our skin absorbed. 6 And we didn 't need
our body as much. And no one wanted to eat or have sex. But
we did get sleepy. And they would give us glasses of liquid sun
rays to drink. It shone with a bright fluorescent yellow glow in
the dark.



Another alter-state explained that this thick liquid was called the
"Elixir of Life." It was actually human semen that had been processed in
advance, to eliminate the transmission of any diseases. 7

They liked to discuss philosophy. They would enjoy the light,
and read poems to the gods. It was "Ode to this " and "Ode to
that. " They liked Greek statues, white ones, and water foun-
tains and pools of water and lots and lots of flowers, in white
stone vases. They liked to inhale the smell of fresh flowers in
the room. Especially the long ones with rows of brilliant flowers
on them-purple and red and yellow.

Some of the wives of powerful politicians occasionally joined
us in the rituals. Except for me, they all wore white robes with
long sleeves and sandals and gold belts. No makeup was
allowed. Long hair had to be worn down. Purity and simplicity.
Oneness with nature. They were called acolytes.

Lucian had told me they were willing to be sacrificed if they
were chosen (by any of the gods, but especially Zeus). Not their
children-themselves! I believed him, and was impressed by
their level of devotion to the deities they worshipped.

After the rituals, everyone was peaceful and gentle, and no one
wanted to talk much.

One of the reasons Lucian took me with him to international Golden
Dawn meetings was that he triggered out an alter-state that heard every-
thing that was said and later recited it verbatim, upon Lucian's
command. 8 At some of their planning meetings, Lucian and other leaders
discussed their goal of developing a one- world religion that would incor-
porate all religions. They said that Judaism and Christianity would be
welcome at the beginning, but would eventually be outlawed. Although
some members didn't seem to approve, Lucian and some of his friends
also discussed their intention to legalize adult-child sex.

When I told a number of investigative journalists about this man's
Luciferian beliefs and his involvement in both the Illuminati and the
Golden Dawn, I received no verifications. That left me wondering if I'd

"Good Guy " Perpetrators


somehow made it all up! I was about to give up on these memories when
I purchased a book by Texe Marrs, a right-wing Christian author. Although
I do not approve of some of his spiritualized fear tactics, I did find
verifications in his Book of New Age Cults & Religions. In a nine-page
chapter about Lucis Trust, he included the names of Lucian and several
other politicians I'd remembered meeting at the secretive Golden Dawn
and Illuminati gatherings. Marrs explained the connection between Lucis
Trust and Luciferianism:

The word "lucis" comes directly from the name Lucifer, which
means "light bearer" or "the one who brings light" . . . when the
Lucis Trust first began, founded by Alice Bailey, it was called
Lucifer Publishing! It was incorporated in 1922, however,
under its present name . . . the Lucis Trust defines its purpose
as that of establishing a "New World Order." (pp. 238-239)

I was alarmed by what I read, because if my memories of these people
were real, then I was in danger! Some of them still have enormous
clout; I could imagine them squishing me like a bug on a sidewalk if
they thought I posed a problem. My anxiety nearly went through the roof.
After several days, I calmed down enough to realize that people like
Lucian are so grandiose and narcissistic, they probably wouldn't care if I
told what I knew about them.

As time went on, I also remembered enough to realize that although
Lucian had used his political positions to hurt me and others, he was still
just one individual, and part of a fringe minority at that. I suspect most
of the participants in these secretive rituals were not blatant pedophiles,
nor were they part of an evil conspiracy to rule the world and stomp out
anyone who opposed them.

This knowledge has been important, because it has helped me to
become less fearful of non-criminal Pagans and practitioners of other
"alternative" religions.

Dr. J

Not all of the "good guy" perpetrators I remembered were influential
politicians or wealthy businessmen. I was horrified to learn that several



had been CIA-contracted psychiatrists who had been directly involved in
MKULTRA! 9 In my early recovery, I reconnected with one of them,
Dr. J, in an odd way.

During his nationally televised daytime talk show that aired on March 5,
1993, Phil Donahue interviewed an elderly couple who had been accused
of ritually abusing their grandchildren. I took notes as I watched the
program. Donahue seemed to side with the accused couple. He even
described them as being "Norman Rockwell" grandparents.

Using phrases that would soon be extensively promoted as "fact" by
spokespersons from the False Memory Syndrome Foundation, an invited
guest, Dr. Richard Gardner, suggested that what was being done to the
grandparents was a "witch hunt." He said the grandchildren had been
"programmed" to remember. He called the professionals who had helped
protect the children, "zealots and fanatics." He also introduced other phrases,
including "sexual abuse hysteria," "Salem witch trials," "overzealous
therapists," and "mass hysteria," to the viewing audience. 10

Initially, the faces of most of the audience members registered anger
towards the accused grandparents. When Gardner spoke, however, many
people in the audience seemed to go into a slack-jawed trance, then
seemed confused. Towards the end of the program, some of them seemed
to side with the grandparents.

I was concerned that the show might have been used to manipulate the
public into disbelieving the children's claims. I wrote an angry letter to
Donahue and sent copies to organizations that educated the public about
the effects of criminal occult ritual abuse.

The director of a pro-survivor organization asked me to send copies of
the letter to a list of nine individuals she'd been trying to educate about
ritual abuse-including Dr. J. Because I didn't yet remember his name,
I was willing to send a copy to him. However, as I addressed an envelope
to him, something tugged at my mind. I ignored the odd sensation since
no memory came with it.

Within weeks, the psychiatrist sent me a one-page, typed, signed
letter. In it, he claimed to be on our side in the "war against the cults." He
provided his phone number at work and asked me to call him, collect.

As I read the letter, I couldn't shake the sense that something was wrong.
I sent copies to several authors. One responded post-haste, warning me that
the psychiatrist was heavily connected to the CIA. Angry that Dr. J had tried
to con me, I wrote a scolding letter to him; he never wrote back.

"Good Guy " Perpetrators


I now believe that Dr. J had written to me and had asked me to call him
because he'd been worried that I was waking up and might eventually
remember and tell others about what he'd done to me.

Nearly a decade later, Dr. J died from cancer. News of his death
triggered a series of memories of experiences that I'd had with him as
a CIA-contracted mental programmer. 11 In one, I was an adult. I felt com-
pletely alone and wore a bright orange prison jumpsuit. I stood in a wide,
bare corridor. Its concrete floor was very clean, perhaps painted grey, with
a yellow line painted right down the middle. The concrete walls were
lighter colored. At the end of corridor, about twenty feet ahead, I saw
darkness to the left, an entrance into another area I couldn't see.

As I recalled this and other experiences, I knew that although Dr. J was
dead, I was keeping him alive within me. I told my therapist, "It's like
I'm a movie projection machine and the reels haven't yet been given me
to go through." She replied, "He is dead. He is dead."

I asked, "Why am I crying?"

She said, "You told me before that he was another father-figure to you.
So this is another loss. He's dead and you're not."

I said, "It's so strange that the man tortured me and threatened my life,
and yet I am crying. Am I angry? Is that what's beneath this?"

The therapist said, "Perhaps."

I said, "I feel like I've just been tortured, like it just happened. Like
I'm still in that corridor." I kept telling her, "I'm stuck." I had odd
thoughts that my stuckness had something to do with keeping secrets and
"National Security." Then suddenly I dropped down inside and my body
went limp in her upholstered chair.

I went back in memory to a brightly-lit room behind me, to my right,
off the corridor:

I was lying naked on a table with round metal "loops" at the
very end that restrained my ankles. Dr. J was in charge. A
shorter, balding man with short, straight, thin, light brown hair
was there too. The second man wore silver-framed glasses, and
was probably in his thirties or forties.

First, the two men had done what many perpetrators called "cat
scratch." Making me lie on my stomach on that table, they had
"lashed" (really, scratched) my back with a bare-ended, live



black electrical wire. Even though Dad had tortured me this way
in the past, I still was never prepared for the intense pain. Then
they turned me over and restrained me as I lay on my sore back.

After that, Dr. J brutally rammed a large, hard dildo into my
vagina, saying, "This will ensure your silence about what you
couriered that way."

Then the short man held my eyelids open while Dr. J put drops
of liquid in them that did something, so that even when I stared,
I saw only black. Dr. J said, "You will see nothing."

Then Dr. J gave me a choice of what they would do to my
mouth to ensure my silence. I could either have something
awful-tasting or I could "take" a live wire in it. I was heavily
sedated and couldn't move my arms at all. I felt like my head
was disconnected from my body. I could still feel some pain.

They'd done awful tastes and electricity to my mouth before.
Even though I preferred to suck on a live wire to get it over
with, I refused to choose either method. So Dr. J declared there
was a third option: "We can cut out your tongue." I heard
a whining sound to my left that sounded like a workman's drill.
I opted for the live wire and sucked on it as I had done so many
times before.

After that, Dr. J said, "There's one more part of your body
we must do, to ensure your silence." No rush this time. I heard
the drill again and thought, they'll probably do my hands. The
psychiatrist said, "We can make you like Christ-give you your
own stigmata." I prepared to have my hands drilled.

I was surprised when instead, the second man pinched my left
palm, both front and back. He said, "Feel that?"

I didn't respond although I did feel it.

He pinched harder. "Feel that?"

"Good Guy " Perpetrators


It hurt, but again I refused to respond. Then they each grabbed
a hand and bent my wrists back very hard. The second man
said, "We can break your wrists so you'll never write again."
I feared that they'd damaged them.

The second man then lightly touched my belly button with the
revolving drill, saying, "We can kill you now." I prepared
myself for the intense pain, but he didn't go any further.

After that, the song "America the Beautiful" was broadcast
from a small, brown wooden speaker attached to the far wall,
below the ceiling. Dr. J intoned, "If you ever talk, you will be
put in prison for the rest of your life. You'll never be able to
talk to anyone again, not even to write or receive letters. You
will be completely alone in prison for the rest of your life."

As he had in the past, he kept calling me his "good little girl."
He said, "You are a good American, you love your country, you
want to protect your country, you will never betray your country."

He knew me well enough to kno